How would you feel???

[Missy1961]

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

First, I'm sorry for your loss. And yes, you are being unreasonable. It was your mother's estate--she can leave it to whoever she wishes.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'd be hurt. Now, if they were partners before you were born, and this woman was your mom, and not your step-mom, I'd feel differently. However, if I were to divorce my DH, and remarry, I'd have my assets going to both my new DH, and my existing children. Does this woman have children? If so, when she passes, the money will go to her children.

I know that when DH's mom died early (in her 50's), part of her life insurance covered his college costs.

 

[Kit'smommy]

OP, I am very sorry for your loss.

I think whether OP's mom was married to a man or woman is a moot point.

If either of my parents remarried and died leaving everything to their surviving spouse I would feel very hurt. I think most people would.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the OP and how she feels!!!!

If one simply lets their spouse, who is also the father of the children, inherit the estate, then there might be the assumption that this surviving parent would then consider the needs of the children....

Not so with with a second marriage....

Also, when the OP's mother's partner dies, since the OP is NOT the child of this woman, then she will still not inherit ANYTHING.

The OP is completely justified in her feelings...

Everybody has a right to their feelings, whether they are 'right' or not!

But, in this case, I full agree that the OP is right...

 

[lukenick1]

so you would feel differently if it was a man she had only been with 10 years? it would be ok then?

so she has a child and grandchildren. she could leave her money to her dog if she wanted. I am sorry for your loss but you sound bitter, greedy and pretty ungrateful. Your children are your financial responsibility - not your mother's.

You did not read my answer correctly....it is not about being GAY. It is about not feeling important or included in my mother's estate as her only decendant. Her spouse is NOT my parent and I just feel hurt that she would not include me in anything. How dare you say Im greedy and ungrateful. I would much rather have my mother alive and well than be dealing with this.

 

[Kim&Chris]

I agree with the OP and how she feels!!!!

If one simply lets their spouse, who is also the father of the children, inherit the estate, then there might be the assumption that this surviving parent would then consider the needs of the children....

Not so with with a second marriage....

Also, when the OP's mother's partner dies, since the OP is NOT the child of this woman, then she will still not inherit ANYTHING.

The OP is completely justified in her feelings...

Everybody has a right to their feelings, whether they are 'right' or not!

But, in this case, I full agree that the OP is right...

I agree!!

I think it's unfortunate that the name-calling has already started. I don't understand why anyone would call this OP ungrateful, greedy, etc. Wow.

 

[jen0610]

I don't think so. I think it is usual if the spouse is the parent of the children, but if there are children from a previous marriage, I think it is more normal to leave them at least a portion of the estate. However, that being said, it was her money and she could do with it whatever she wanted. Clearly she did not want to leave any to the OP. Her choice...

I have to agree with punkin. Most of the people I know, that have kids (grown with kids of their own or younger kids) and are in a 2nd, 3rd, ect marriage or in a long term relationship, leave a portion of their estate to their kids.

My uncle who passed, left 1/3 to his 2nd wife, 1/3 to his son and 1/3 to his daughter.

The one lady I work with, her hubby gets 1/3 of her estate, while her son gets the other 2/3's. As she has said, my son has been in my life a lot longer then DH has been. Her DH is spliting his up as well. He is leaving 1/3 to her, 1/3 to his daughter and 1/3 to his son.

I also have to agree, that is mom's choice to leave her estate to whom ever she wants, wither we (meaning the parties left behinde) agree with her wishes or not.

 

[connorlevismom]

I agree!!

I think it's unfortunate that the name-calling has already started. I don't understand why anyone would call this OP ungrateful, unreasonable, greedy, etc. Wow.

She asked if she was being unreasonable, so people are not calling her names when they say yes.

The others yes, are uncalled for.

Kristine

 

[Stacerita]

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

I do think you are being unreasonable. Your mother has the right to leave her stuff to who ever she chooses. She picked her spouse which most people generally do. Regardless of how long she was with the person, that is the person she picked to spend her life with.

Yes I most definitely would.....how could she leave it all to someone she has only known for 10 years when she had a child and grandchildren?? It's just not fair.

Once again, its not about being "fair". Your mother has the right to leave her stuff to anyone. If you want college of something for YOUR children, it is your responsibility. Not hers.

You did not read my answer correctly....it is not about being GAY. It is about not feeling important or included in my mother's estate as her only decendant. Her spouse is NOT my parent and I just feel hurt that she would not include me in anything. How dare you say Im greedy and ungrateful. I would much rather have my mother alive and well than be dealing with this.

I do wonder if you just found this out after your mother passed away. And if so, why is that? Why didn't she include you? I know exactly where my parents estate will be going and to whom. There will be no surprises when they pass away. And if one of them choose to marry someone and decided to leave everything to them, so be it. It's there choice.

 

[lukenick1]

I agree with the OP and how she feels!!!!

If one simply lets their spouse, who is also the father of the children, inherit the estate, then there might be the assumption that this surviving parent would then consider the needs of the children....

Not so with with a second marriage....

Also, when the OP's mother's partner dies, since the OP is NOT the child of this woman, then she will still not inherit ANYTHING.

The OP is completely justified in her feelings...

Everybody has a right to their feelings, whether they are 'right' or not!

But, in this case, I full agree that the OP is right...

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

 

[crashbb]

It is hard to answer without knowing the relationship(s) between three people (not asking the OP to give us details, just pointing it out). What might be weird/surprising in one set of circumstances might make sense in another.

The fact that OP was surprised about the will would be upsetting. If my parent planned to leave me nothing, I would expect some warning (again though, in my family we discuss things like wills - that isn't true in all families).

 

[NY Disney fan]

I haven't read this whole thread but I believe the OP has a legal case and should see a laywer ASAP. Suze Orman talks about this stuff all the time. Children can dispute the will if it is unfair (and it sounds very unfair). OP, please see a family estate lawyer about this. This is not a gay issue, this is a step-parent vs. biological child issue.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

I am so sorry for what you've been through. I do understand your disappointment with both parents. Maybe they did look at it as you are stable and thought it would be best left with their spouses.

Peace to you during this difficult time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

 

[krnlmustrd]

There is a lot of insecurity that comes with being in a gay relationship. I'm glad the mom had the foresight to plan for her partner's well being in the case of her death. I think after 10 years of being together that it's evident they planned to stay together. I fully support the mom for leaving her money to her partner. The partner was probably pretty dependent on the mom - as anybody with a spouse or partner is - and would be facing quite a lifestyle change now.

I'm curious to know if the mom hadn't been in a state that allowed them to marry and they had just been unregistered partners, would the OP have been concerned at all for the woman's well being now? Or would it be a tough luck situation?

 

[Kit'smommy]

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

Wow! No wonder you feel hurt.

I think these type of things should be discussed with children. You shouldn't be dealing with grieving with the loss of a family member and then get a surprise like this.

 

[Kim&Chris]

There is a lot of insecurity that comes with being in a gay relationship. I'm glad the mom had the foresight to plan for her partner's well being in the case of her death. I think after 10 years of being together that it's evident they planned to stay together. I fully support the mom for leaving her money to her partner. The partner was probably pretty dependent on the mom - as anybody with a spouse or partner is - and would be facing quite a lifestyle change now.

I'm curious to know if the mom hadn't been in a state that allowed them to marry and they had just been unregistered partners, would the OP have been concerned at all for the woman's well being now? Or would it be a tough luck situation?

I could be wrong, but I never got the impression that any of this had to do with the issue of mom being gay. It was about mom leaving all of her money to someone she knew for 10 years in lieu of her one & only child.

 

[happygirl]

OP,I can totally understand how you would be sad. I would also be sad/mad I would see it as my mother choosing someone over me. I know my parents don't owe me anything. I still would feel hurt/mad I was overlooked.

 

[AustinTink]

To be honest, I'd be upset too. I'd be upset, regardless if my mom was married to a man or a woman, if my mom left everything to a person she knew only for 10 years.

I think that's the kicker. It's not that the mom was married to a man or woman. It's the length of time. Unfortunately, it happens all the time. My DH's dad married a gold-digger 10 years ago. The first thing she did was make him change his will. Then she proceeded to tell me not to expect a dime upon his passing. The sad thing is, my DH only wants to spend time with his dad. We don't need or want his money.

Sorry you're mixed up in this, OP. It's hard to stomach when parents seemingly turn their back on their kids when writing their wills.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I would feel bad, too. Of course, your mother had the right to leave it all to her partner. But, the OP absolutely has a right to be sad that she was not part of the will. It would be different if their relationship were strained, but it sounded like they got along and this was a shock.