How would you feel???

[lukenick1]

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

 

[Sugardimples]

Would you expect if to be different if your mother had been married to a man? It is very normal for married couples to leaves everything to the surviving spouse. Your mother did what you wanted to do with her assets.

What arrangements she made were not wrong or unfair. They are the kind of arrangements that married people make.

FYI, you mention Social Security. Your mother's spouse will not be able to continue to collect on your mother's social security as their marriage is not recognized by the federal government.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

I'm sorry about your loss. My question is would you feel the same if your Mom was married to a man?

 

[lillygator]

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

what if she had had a man for a husband for 10 years. Would that be different?

Why do children count on their parents leaving their money to them?

 

[punkin]

Would you expect if to be different if your mother had been married to a man? It is very normal for married couples to leaves everything to the surviving spouse. Your mother did what you wanted to do with her assets.

What arrangements she made were not wrong or unfair. They are the kind of arrangements that married people make.

FYI, you mention Social Security. Your mother's spouse will not be able to continue to collect on your mother's social security as their marriage is not recognized by the federal government.

I don't think so. I think it is usual if the spouse is the parent of the children, but if there are children from a previous marriage, I think it is more normal to leave them at least a portion of the estate. However, that being said, it was her money and she could do with it whatever she wanted. Clearly she did not want to leave any to the OP. Her choice...

 

[laurie31]

I'm not sure how it would be different if she had married a man, or even if she died after being married to the same person for 60 years, or whatever. Usually the spouse inherits the estate.


I think your feelings are similar to those anyone would have if their mom remarried and then passed away at a young age. I think what you're feeling is normal, and it's part of grief. Anger is a normal stage in the grief process, it's just different people find different things to be angry about.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[lukenick1]

I'm sorry about your loss. My question is would you feel the same if your Mom was married to a man?

Yes I most definitely would.....how could she leave it all to someone she has only known for 10 years when she had a child and grandchildren?? It's just not fair.

 

[shellybaxter]

I'm so sorry for your lose. What a difficult situation. I understand your hurt feelings. As children we see our parents as our protectors, but as we grow older that role changes and our parents begin to have their own lives apart from ours. Have you considered why your mother left these things to her wife? Are you financially stable and the wife would not be if not for the money left to her? Were you close to your mom or had you drifted apart? Maybe analyzing the situation will allow you to be more at peace with her decisions?

 

[connorlevismom]

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Your mother is entitled to leave her money to whomever she wants to. In this case it is her wife or partner, which is what most people do. The fact the she is gay does not make a difference, her wife is her life partner just as my husband is mine. She went to work, made money and saved for her future.

If you have children that want to go the college in the future, it is YOUR responsibility to save for it. It is not your mom's responsibility to pay for it.

Kristine

 

[simonsmom]

perhaps your mom thought that her wife would stay in your life and help you and your children out as you need it.

 

[lillygator]

Yes I most definitely would.....how could she leave it all to someone she has only known for 10 years when she had a child and grandchildren?? It's just not fair.

so you would feel differently if it was a man she had only been with 10 years? it would be ok then?

so she has a child and grandchildren. she could leave her money to her dog if she wanted. I am sorry for your loss but you sound bitter, greedy and pretty ungrateful. Your children are your financial responsibility - not your mother's.

 

[crashbb]

Would it have been nice to get some of the money? Of course.

Was she obligated to leave it to you? Of course not.

Sorry, I do think that you are being unreasonable. I'm going to assume that the bratty tone that is coming across is due to the shock of your mother's death.

 

[Kim&Chris]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

This is a tough one. If my mother or father had re-married, or been living with someone for 10 years, then I believe that partner would have been entitiled to something....but not everything. I do believe your mother would have been wise (and fair) to leave half to her partner, and half to you.

 

[Disneyrsh]

.

 

[focusondisney]

Yes I most definitely would.....how could she leave it all to someone she has only known for 10 years when she had a child and grandchildren?? It's just not fair.

Unfortunately, your last statement says it all. Life's not fair. This is one of the first thing I taught my kids as they grew up. I don't think it's fair that other people have parents who leave them fortunes while DH & I have parents who have no extra money to leave their kids/ grandkids. Oh well. That's just life.

I'm so sorry for your lose. What a difficult situation. I understand your hurt feelings. As children we see our parents as our protectors, but as we grow older that role changes and our parents begin to have their own lives apart from ours. Have you considered why your mother left these things to her wife? Are you financially stable and the wife would not be if not for the money left to her? Were you close to your mom or had you drifted apart? Maybe analyzing the situation will allow you to be more at peace with her decisions?

Very good points. Did your mom & her wife make much of this money together? Was any money left to your mom from her parents so you might have expected this money to be passed down? Did you ever discuss finances with your mom? Is there animosity with mom's wife? All things to consider.

I hope after a little time when the pain is not so fresh, you'll be at peace with your mom's decision. I hope this doesn't color your memories and cause you life long pain. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As a grown up I do not expect my parents to continue to support me (and certainly not my kids) in life or in death. So while I am truly terribly sorry for your loss, I think you are being quite unreasonable.

I also think it is odd that you even pointed out that your mom was gay. Why not just say your mom left everything to her spouse of 8 years? Do you, perhaps, have some resentment about the wife and perhaps your mother's sexual orientation? I hope not and that this just came out wrong, but if you do and your mother knew or sensed that it may be one of the reasons she left things as she did.

It has never occurred to me to expect that either of my parents or my in-laws will leave anything to me. My in laws have made it clear over and over that they are leaving money to their four kids and all four kids have made it clear over and over that they (and us spouses) would rather see them enjoy it and spend it on themselves.
I might be a bit miffed if my dad left all his savings to one of his girlfriends of the season (they tend to last about one season)--especially as many are young enough to be my daughters and I think they are largely attracted to him because they like that he buys them things (ie not for HIM--he is largely attracted to them being young and pretty so it is a very two way street) but I have been assuming (without realizing it until I read your post) that Mom will eventually leave stuff to her long term boyfriend (and they have only been together about 2 years).

 

[bicker]

I'm sorry for your loss, but I support respecting your mother's wishes in this regard.

Beyond that, ten years is not an insubstantial amount of time. If your mother and her partner were together less than a year, then perhaps I could imagine myself feeling a little frustrated (though I doubt even that), but beyond that I surely wouldn't think twice about it.

 

[Rora]

OP- I'm sorry for your loss.

To be honest, I'd be upset too. I'd be upset, regardless if my mom was married to a man or a woman, if my mom left everything to a person she knew only for 10 years.

While of course your mom had every right to leave her money to whoever she wanted and you should'nt have been expecting it, it's still hurtful, from your perspective, to not have received any of it.

I think half and half would've been my preference if I had been in her shoes.

 

[punkin]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

This is a tough one. If my mother or father had re-married, or been living with someone for 10 years, then I believe that partner would have been entitiled to something....but not everything. I do believe your mother would have been wise (and fair) to leave half to her partner, and half to you.

This would have been the right thing to do, but it really was the mother's choice.

I do not think OP is being "bitter, greedy and pretty ungrateful". I think she is hurt by her mother's actions, but again OP, I don't think there is nothing you can do about it. Your mother does have the right to do this (in most places-I think there are some where it is very difficult to disinherit children-check with a lawyer).

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[iwrbnd]

The difference is when you leave it to your husband he is still connected to you, his child, and whatever he doesn't use will eventually end up going to you. In this case I'm not sure the partner will feel any obligation to leave anything to the deceased woman's child. I would feel the same way if she had re-married a man.