How Upset Would You Be...? MIL Related...

[NHdisneylover]

I would not be upset. It would never in a million years occur to me to expect anyone other than my DH to acknowledge our anniversary (yes, even the first).

I happen to have a DMiL who is amazing with dates and ALWAYS sends birthday greetings (and all kinds of other greetings). I also share the same birthday as her twins so easy for her to remember (but seriously, she can tell you birthdates--with years--for just about everyone she knows, even second and third cousins). So, I have never had my DMiL forget my birthday--but my parents have remembered a few days late more than once (I am an only child) and they (especially my dad--my parents are divorced) often forget one or both kid's (Christmas week--shouldn't be that hard to recall) and I doubt they have ever remembered DH's. They are just not big on dates. No one cares and no one makes an issue of it.

Now, I can see that it is irritating that your DMiL expects a big to-do to be made for her and then does not respond in kind. However, I also wonder if she expects YOU to make a to-do, or your DH? You do not need to cover for her son in taking care of birthday (and other) cards/gifts for his mother. Let him handle that. She probably remembers his birthday, right? She probably just wants to know that HE still thinks of her even though she has been replaced by a new woman (you) in his life.

 

[Art 1]

Seems like you are the one expecting gifts, phone calls and cards.

 

[GJM]

I would not be upset. It would never in a million years occur to me to expect anyone other than my DH to acknowledge our anniversary (yes, even the first).

This is how I feel, I don't expect anything from anyone on our anniversary. I would be the one to send the cards and gifts for DH family. All I expect is a thank you when sending a gift, don't even care if it is a text message - but I never get a thank you. So I told DH it is all up to him now on sending the gifts.

 

[Allison]

I wouldn't be upset at all. I'm not someone who cares about being recognized for dates on the calendar. I've just never cared about that kind of stuff. I just don't get putting so much emotion and energy into thinking about who calls, sends a card, whatever.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, you asked how upset would I be and the answer is: Not at all. I've been married twice and I've never expected anyone other than my husband to acknowledge my wedding anniversary.

Neither set of in-laws did anything for my birthday, either. It didn't bother me either. I'm an adult--I really don't expect anyone but my immediate family to recognize these events although I did make it easy on DH and we got married ON my birthday so he only has to keep track of one date.

 

[luvmy3]

I wouldn't be upset either but I'm not going to sit here and say you shouldn't be. If it bother's you that you do so much for her on her days, then start letting your dh do all the things you have done in the past. She's his mother, let him deal with her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wouldn't be upset either but I'm not going to sit here and say you shouldn't be. If it bother's you that you do so much for her on her days, then start letting your dh do all the things you have done in the past. She's his mother, let him deal with her.

Right.

I am not a "gifty" person, so I would not be going all out for anyone.

If you expect your MIL to do unto you as you do unto her, then you will build resentment over it and that is not good either.

Find a happy medium OP.

As far as recognizing an anniversary, that is not even on my radar.

 

[gina2000]

Don't burn bridges and don't hold grudges. You and your husband have many years ahead of you to share together. Don't let a third party (related or not) get in the way of your relationship building. Also, keep in mind that if and when children come, there is a good chance you will want a happy and healthy relationship with your in-laws. You want your children to see the give and take within families as a positive relationship, not one fraught with anger and frustration.

 

[AlleyKat]

Also, keep in mind that if and when children come, there is a good chance you will want a happy and healthy relationship with your in-laws. You want your children to see the give and take within families as a positive relationship, not one fraught with anger and frustration.

I haven't read mention of a FIL and so far, MIL just takes.

 

[DisneyJules]

I think naturally we feel if we've been kind and thoughtful towards someone that they will be kind and thoughtful back. This bothered me for a long, long time and I still struggle with it at times. But I've come to learn over and over again that that's not life. We really can't control another's actions, we can only control how we react to it. A situation like yours can definitely be hurtful, I think you'll have to let this one go, as she will never change. Instead try and focus on the positives that others do for you in your life.

 

[goofinoff]

Haven't read through all the posts so I apologize if my comment is duplicated.
Sounds to me that you walk on egg shells around your MIL, doing everything she wants you to do so she is not upset. Why shower her with gifts and cards just because she expects it. I agree with a PP who said that she would rather have someone not acknowledge her birthday or anniversary than have someone be fake about it.
Move on!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I haven't read mention of a FIL and so far, MIL just takes.

So what....

That is just the way some people are.

One can learn to deal in a positive way.
Set reasonable and healthy personal boundaries in how much they 'give' to the takers. (never allow oneself to be overtly dictated to, put upon, used, etc...)
And, move thru life in a positive way. (which is what the OP needs to do)

THAT is the message/attitude that the OP will need to learn and pass on to her children!

OP, your MIL's happiness should not depend on how much you give.
That is HER issue!!!!! You should not be expected to bear the weight of anyone else's happines.
If your DH feels that you should always pay the price to keep his mama happy, then you have a 'marriage' problem.

And, also, YOUR happiness should not depend on whether or not your MIL acknowledges your anniversary/birthday!!!!!! NOT worth the unhappiness and stress.

You may still be a little young... but, seriously, everyone here is right... You need to get past this (grow up) and find a positive productive way to live your life with your husband, and let him deal with his demanding mother.

You still have not posted one sentence here that has the word 'husband' or DH...... And, really, your husband is the KEY player here. He is the one you should be talking with.

 

[SpecialK]

My in-laws never recognized my birthday or anniversary. I never got even a spoken "Happy Mothers' Day" from MIL even though the party was at my house.

I kept doing for her because she was my husband's mother and he loved her. I did it for him, not MIL.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Seems like you are the one expecting gifts, phone calls and cards.

Eh, not really. "Oh, good, son - I'm glad you made it to Florida safely. Let me speak with AKL_Megs for a moment so I can wish her a happy birthday." NOT unreasonable to expect at all - especially from an adult who apparently expects full-blown acknowledgment/celebration of her own milestones.

 

[AKL_Megs]

My HUSBAND wouldn't even remember until the last minute if it wasn't for me. I chose, in the past to do for her because I can empathize with how it must feel to have your own son forget you on your birthday and holidays. I can see this was stupid of me as it's not MY problem.

We don't have a marriage issue. He knows how his mom is better than anyone.

It was dumb of me to think a big deal should be made over our anniversary.

Thanks all for setting me straight!

 

[AlleyKat]

Also, keep in mind that if and when children come, there is a good chance you will want a happy and healthy relationship with your in-laws. You want your children to see the give and take within families as a positive relationship, not one fraught with anger and frustration.

I haven't read mention of a FIL and so far, MIL just takes.

So what....

That is just the way some people are.

So what?

I understand that is how some people are (unfortunately) and you'd understand my post if you'd read the attachment my comment was directed towards.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My HUSBAND wouldn't even remember until the last minute if it wasn't for me. I chose, in the past to do for her because I can empathize with how it must feel to have your own son forget you on your birthday and holidays. I can see this was stupid of me as it's not MY problem.

We don't have a marriage issue. He knows how his mom is better than anyone.

It was dumb of me to think a big deal should be made over our anniversary.

Thanks all for setting me straight!

And now you know.

It is a marriage issue in the sense you took over taking care of MIL because of your dh.

Now some people don't care, esp. when the MIL knows that the DIL is the one taking care of things and shows gratitude.

In your case, the MIL ignores you and your dh doesn't care so you are asking yourself, what in the heck am I setting myself up for?

That is when you go to your dh and talk. Decide what you guys want to do. He may ask you to take care of his mother or he may say I will take care of her from now on.

There is not "right" or "wrong" really. It more about how do you want to handle IL holidays. That should be something in your marriage that you work out.

 

[OceanAnnie]

AKL_Megs, your thoughts and feelings on the matter are human nature to an extent. It's kind of like sitting at a doctor's office after signing in and a multitude of people that came after you gets called in. It sets your spidey senses off. Something is amiss. A few times you can understand. But a lot? Not so much.

Now that you have a clear picture of reality, it's time to adjust to what you are comfortable with. You'll find a way. You can be nice and friendly and still pull back a bit.

 

[snapppyd]

My HUSBAND wouldn't even remember until the last minute if it wasn't for me. I chose, in the past to do for her because I can empathize with how it must feel to have your own son forget you on your birthday and holidays. I can see this was stupid of me as it's not MY problem.

We don't have a marriage issue. He knows how his mom is better than anyone.

It was dumb of me to think a big deal should be made over our anniversary.

Thanks all for setting me straight!

I'm in the minority here. You are not dumb, I would think a parent would acknowledge their child's first anniversary. I come from a family that always sent cards for things. Now it seems I'm the one always remembering everything and my mailbox is empty. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. You are entitled to your feelings.

 

[Abbie]

I get that. I still have the right to be hurt, even if I am pushing 30. I asked simply to get suggestions, and I got them, and then some, of course, per Dis standards

I'll let it slide... not worth it, as I now see.

Of course you have the right to be hurt. But OP, you have posted before about your MIL and it seems almost like you're looking for a reason to write her off. You have many years ahead of you with her and it's really worth it and SO much easier in the long run to make peace. So she doesn't think like you, who cares. Scale down what you do for her if you feel like it, but work hard to make a good relationship. It's so worth it, honestly, and feels so much better than allowing her to agitate you. Keep making the effort.