how to tell your parent they no longer drive safely

[siouxi31]

My mother is 74 years old. Her driving skills have decreased to the point where my 13 year old said he will not be driving with grandma any more.
In 2 days she managed to:
1) take the wrong exit, back down the ramp, and go in the intended direction while a car was coming (basically pulling in front of someone on the road).
2) turned left on a red light with a car coming in the other direction.
3) put her car in neutral on a hill instead of putting it in park.
4) went off the road to the right, onto gravel which caused a blow-out.
My mother is not the type of person you can constructively criticize or even argue about such a thing. She'll either become defensive, say that my son didn't accurately describe the events that occurred (she'll lie about what really happened), or cry. She was the baby of her family and still acts like it.
This won't stop me from confronting her about this serious issue but I want to be prepared before having this discussion with her.
I was really hoping to never have to go through this
How have you handled this in the past? What did you do that you wish you hadn't done and what did you wish you did?
I don't want my mother to become one of the old people who accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake causing injury or death to other people or herself.

 

[miche61]

I would love to hear what others have to say on this one. My mother had a stroke 5 years ago, and has mostly recovered. However her general health has steadily gone down hill since. I am afraid to let her drive my children around, and actually I don't let her have the opportunity to drive them around at all. She has very slow reaction times and it scares me to think what could happen.

I have not driven with her for years though, so I don't truly know first hand how well or badly she actually drives.

Looking forward to others' answers..

Michelle

 

[tiggerlover]

I too would love to hear what others have to say. My parents are 77 and 79 (dad will be 80 in 4 months) and I have noticed that their driving skills have diminished. I tried mentioning something in a non-confrontational way and it didn't go over very well. I am concerned for their safety, but I am not sure what I can do. I wish when you reach a certain age that you had to go in and take a hands on driving test every year!

 

[LisaTx]

I went through this with my mother too. It's so hard!

My mother was using a cane to walk, was having vision trouble, and had little feeling in her feet, but thought she was good to drive. If she went very far, she would get lost. I'm not sure how she handled driving because I refused to let the kids get in the car with her at all.

I begged her to stop driving. I told her she was going to kill herself or some innocent person. I was also afraid she would hurt someone and that I would get sued because I hadn't stopped her from driving. She didn't care about that either. Nothing worked. She wouldn't listen to me at all.

She had to have some surgery and had a visiting nurse come by the house for a while afterward. The nurse was asking her some questions and found out that she was still driving. She was horrified and mentioned all of the things I had been telling my mom. Thank goodness the nurse finally convinced her that she was in no shape to be driving. It's annoying that she would listen to a complete stranger and not me but that's a whole different problem!

Maybe getting medical personnel involved will help you. As a last resort you could disable her car or take away the keys.

I know it must be very difficult for seniors to give up their freedom.

 

[siouxi31]

My son was asking if the DMV would notice that her driving wasn't so good and if they would take away her license. Inside I was thinking that they should drive 20 miles with her through all kinds of situations and see how it goes. I bet they would want to get out of the car after 2 miles. I wonder if the DMV website has any suggestions on this? I'm going to look into it now.

 

[Pop Daddy]

dont tell her, just dont let your family ride with her and pray for the other people on the road

 

[100%Disney]

You can ask that the DMV evaluate her driving, she will be given a road test.

 

[chell]

s is all I can offer.

 

[poohandwendy]

Tell her exactly what you told us. That it has come to the point where her driving is scaring people and you are all afraid for her and for others on the road. That she is making serious driving errors that will eventually result in a car accident.

I am sure she would rather stop driving because she came to the conclusion that it was best to stop and not because she had her license revoked due to a serious auto accident and/or a lawsuit or criminal charges.

It is so hard but sometimes we have to do what is best for everyone, even if it is tough to hear.

If she balks and says you are wrong...ask her to prove it by taking a drivers examination test.

 

[rbuzzotta]

We just went thru this with my FIL. It is very difficult. His primary physician mentioned it (with the guidance from DH). He played the 'bad guy'. We then set up a driving test and lo and behold, he passed with flying colors. Much to our dismay, he continued to drive (very slowly,often sideswiping other cars) just until about 2 weeks ago. He hit "something" and couldn't remember (beginning alzhimers).

I wish you the best. It is very difficult. I just can't believe the RMV passed him!! That guy should have his license taken away!!

 

[Crankyshank]

We're going through the exact same thing with my grandmother (age 79). She hit a pedestrian who ran out in front of her car, and hit a parked car last year. She can't hear as well and her reflexes have severely diminished.

We're having enough problems trying to get her to get her hearing checked. I don't know how anyone is going to succeed in getting her to admit she might still be lively, but she might need to stop driving.

 

[CyranoJones]

Oh, I'm dreading going through this with my FIL. He is a very young 80 but still I can see the changes. Reflexes are a little slower, he gets tired faster, that kind of thing. Luckily he really seems to value my opinion ('tis good to be the favorite DIL, LOL!!) and I have managed to get him to make stops halfway when he is driving from Long Island to Buffalo or to Cleveland to see their other sons. We are the stopping point on the trip to Cleveland and they stop for the night on the way to Buffalo. And they have taken to flying a bit more now and that helps. My MIL doesn't drive so it's going to be very difficult when he does have to stop. I'm hoping to have them moved close to us or another family member by that time.

 

[LScot]

We went through this with my grandfather. It was horrible. We actually talked to his doctor about it (he'd had a stroke) and then the state of TN sent him a notice telling him he wasn't allowed to drive anymore. He was livid. Never a stubborn, vocal, angry man but this was the thing that threw the switch. He died shaking his fist at that doctor But because of that doctor no one was hurt or killed by my grandfather's driving.

His wife seemed to know when to give it up. Thank God. It is a tough situation. Good luck.

Oh and as much as people want to do what Pop Daddy suggests--don't. That is unfair to everyone else. Step up and get them off the roads.

 

[sue1013]

It's hard to tell them but you have to before they hurt or kill someone. My uncle was driving behind my grandfather saw how bad he was. He followed him home parked behind him got out of the car and took his keys. He told him he would rather have him mad at him than have to live with the guilt of killing a child. Pop certainly wasn't happy but accepted it.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

We had to go the tough love approach with my aunt, we jusk took away her car and keys and let her drivers license expired.

Once in awhile she says she still wishes she had her car, but then admits in a few days that she would have no clue on how to remember to even turn it on let alone figure out how she would get somewhere.

We won't have to go through this with my mom, the state has it noted that she is legally blind and hasn't had a driver's license for years.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Last Fall, my mom was hospitalized for an irregular/fast heart beat. She ended up with a pacemaker. She is 80 years old and a cancer patient. Up until then she would run herself ragged taking her friends to the store or to their appts! After she went to the hospital my sister and I decided it was time for her to give up her wheels. So my sister has her car and now. Mom lets either one of us know when she wants to go somewhere. She's still complaining about not having her car but we're not backing down. Hang in there!

TC

 

[monarchsfan16]

After my uncle witnessed a few scary acts while driving right behind my grampa, my aunt put the garage door down at grampa's house with the car in the garage. It's not an automatic door, so he can't lift it (cancer, depression, alzheimers...he doesn't eat much so he's weak). He can't get to the car.
The DMV WILL issue a road test if you discuss your concerns with them. A neighbor had to do this to her parents because the parents wouldn't listen, after they had done many of the same things you have mentioned. I think in NH, once they reach a certain age they have to be road tested every time they renew, because my grammy had to take a road test last year and was so nervous she failed. Luckily she was calmer the second time and passed with flying colors. I'm not sure if its the same where you live though. Talk to the DMV or a doctor about it and put it in their hands. Or take away the keys.

 

[Snowysmom]

When my grandfather was in this situation, he just would not give up the car. My father ended up taking the keys and my grandmother sold the car. He was angry for a while but he was a real hazard on the road. Now my father is in this situation and luckily he realizes that he should not be driving far. He is OK to be on local roads but not the highway or at night. He will occassionally drive to the store down the street but that is it. My brother lives with him and does most of the errands. He even says that soon he will give up driving. That makes it alot easier!

 

[luvmarypoppins]

DH dad who lived in another state was a real concern of ours. We asked him to stop driving, gave him alternatives 1. Take the FREE senior citizens bus in the town (said he didnt want to be with a bunch of old ladies, huh?) and then 2. Pay for a taxi and only go where you have to - groceries and dr etc. Believe me he had the money to pay for it. Well of course he refused, He was always getting in to all kinds of accidents, usually he didnt tell us about them, well lo and behold after the last one the dmv sent him a letter to come in for a road test. He did cancel it once because he had the flu and we really think he got so worked up over this and losing his freedom that he had a heart attack and died. I think you have to not just have someone be the bad person whether a dr. , family member etc, tells them you cant drive anymore, you have to give them some kind of alternative so that they think their independence is not taken away from them, examples, I will take you grocery shopping, mrs. so and so will take you to the dr. etc. Good luck.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

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