How to tell a child you're going to Disney without them?

[ronnmel]

She's way too smart not to figure out what we would be doing in Orlando/Florida. She knows very well where Disney is, and what other attractions are in Orlando.

Her mom has been with the same guy for the pas 8 years, and she seems perfectly fine with both that relationship and my relationship with her dad. I'm more and more confident she will take it well. Plus, we will be telling her this week-end, after we bring her to this indoor mini waterpark which she has been waiting to go since her birthday (it was closed when we went that day).

Poohbug & Victoria, both of you have fun on your Disney vacations alone with your DH. I too look forward to taking a few drinks in WS.

 

[BelleRocks]

Wow, good luck to you, my DD11 would be heartbroken. I am a parent who ABSOLUTELY believes that parents need time alone. Last year for our 25th anniversary hubby and I went to Mexico and left DD with grandma. We also do weekly or bi-weekly date nights.

That said, I don't think I would ever consider going to someplace SHE loves as much as DIS without her. That would be the main factor, and the second factor would be the timing, right around the time of a new marraige when a little insecurity would be a normal response.

Since you have already made up your mind, my only advice would be to prepare to take whatever her reaction is. If she does get mad or upset (and she may not, all kids are different) but if she does, not try to lay it on her why she shouldn't feel that way. Let her have her feelings and just be as reassuring as possible.

Also, to the other parent with the 14 y/o, I think there is alot of difference between 11-12 and 14!

But...to each his own!

 

[duffy]

Also, to the other parent with the 14 y/o, I think there is alot of difference between 11-12 and 14!

But...to each his own!

That would be me.

I never said that my 14-year old is indicative of all kids. Just gave an example of what one kid thinks.

I stand by my opinion: go, tell her where you're going, that it's your honeymoon and it's not about her. Maybe she'll get to go without you guys someday.

 

[BelleRocks]

Oh my gosh, you are the one with the quote about the kitten! That is my favorite signature ever and I couldn't remember where I saw it!

Is there one about putting quotation marks around things for emphasis when something is not an actual quote? I hate that one too....

Sorry, back to the thread now....

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I agree. If you go to Disney, she should come along. She is at the age where Disney is the mecca of all kid-dom, and she will remember it forever if she is not included. Besides, half the fun of Disney is having kids around to remind us what that magic is all about! Plus, she is going to get older quick, and Disney doesn't hold the same magic for teenagers, that it does for a 12 year old.

You'll have time later in life to travel together alone.

I agree with this exactly, actually. Twelve is a really hard age, and a really hard age to accept a new step-parent at. I would either go somewhere else, or take her with you. It'll save you LOTS of bad feelings all around, possibly for years to come.

 

[ZehnJahren]

I'm new here, but this is one I have to weigh in on. When I was at about the same age as your soon-to-be stepdaughter, my dad remarried. I LOVED Disney World as a child, and if he'd have gone to Disney on his vacation or even gone shortly after with just his new wife, I don't know that I could have forgiven him. I honestly (and sadly) think that this would have left a permanent impression on me at that age; as it turned out, the extra things he and his wife did together ended up straining our relationship (and that of me and my step-mom) terribly anyway. Twenty years later, we are barely on speaking terms.

You're marrying this little girl as well as her dad. While I agree that parents need time alone and apart and that "they're the adults," that does not remove the kind of hurt she might feel, as well as how personal it will seem that you would take such a cherished vacation away from her by going by yourself. As others have said: if you decide to do this, be prepared for some backlash and the possibility of long-term damage, especially if she wants to go.

My honest suggestion? Tell her you're thinking about going to WDW for your honeymoon and ask what she thinks about that. If she replies that she doesn't care, away you go. If she says she would hate that, reconsider for the sake of your new family (unless you don't care what she says). You could start your new family out in a very bad way.

 

[ronnmel]

Well, we've told her today... and it went well!! We had just spent a few hours at the pool with her, and were on the way to drop her off with her grandma so she could visit her cousins tonight. As soon as we said we were planning to do a honeymoon (which she knew was a trip newly married people take to be alone together), she said "In Florida?". We said yes, so she said "To Disney, to ride Tower of Terror" (She had tried that ride with her grandparents 2-3 years ago and hated it, so we didn't do it at all last time). She didn't seem upset at all. Then when we handed her to her grandma, she gave me this huge hug (she rarely hugs me) and was in a pretty upbeat mood.

Actually, the one thing she was upset about is when we mentionned we were not going to the Philippines in 2 years (her grandparents immigrated from there not long before my FI was born, and she has never got the chance to visit the country. A lot of the older family members are going and have invited us to come) It's just so expensive to go there that the only way to make it worhtwhile is to stay a month, but there is no way that I (teacher) or her (she'll be in grade 7-8 by then) could take a month off during the schoolyear (they only go in the winter). Plus, her mom refuses for her to go, so really it's out of our control anyway.

Thank you all for your advice. I think all will be well.

 

[duffy]

Yay!

 

[Hoopfamily]

There are 2 roads you can travel with this one. Treat her like the adult she wants to be, and tell her straight up what the plans are.
OR
Nobody talks everyone walks.

 

[ZehnJahren]

Well, we've told her today... and it went well!! We had just spent a few hours at the pool with her, and were on the way to drop her off with her grandma so she could visit her cousins tonight. As soon as we said we were planning to do a honeymoon (which she knew was a trip newly married people take to be alone together), she said "In Florida?". We said yes, so she said "To Disney, to ride Tower of Terror" (She had tried that ride with ehr grandparents 2-3 years ago and hated it, so we didn't do it at all last time). She didn't seem upset at all. Then when we handed her to her grandma, she gave me this huge hug (she rarely hugs me) and was in a pretty upbeat mood.

Thank you all for your advice. I think all will be well.

Very good news. Well done.

 

[amir]

I took my six year old on my honeymoon, not a problem. To each their own. If you want the alone time, do it. If you want the kid, do it. Have fun. I did. And I did have my kid with me. WE did honeymoon stuff at home. Disney was for the family, and we were a new family.

 

[TinkerBelle920]

When my husband and I got married my stepson was 10 as well. We have taken him on a few Disney trips so he's a Disney nut already. What we did was take a week long "Familymoon" to Disney just the 3 of us and then my husband and I went on a traditional honeymoon to Maui. My stepson really wanted to go to Maui with us as well and cried his eyes out at the end of the wedding when we were leaving and would not let me go. But after that he was fine. I just say that so you know it may be hard at the time but it's totally worth it. You and your husband desserve a honeymoon as much as anyone else and the fact that he has a child should not prevent you from having that special time together. I would tell her about it and be open with her just say that Honeymoons are for people who were just married and that one day she can choose to go to Disney for her honeymoon if she wants. My husband and I now travel to Disney once a year on an adults trip and my stepson totally understands because we take him every year as well. Just let her know that you will all be going again soon but this is your special adult time.

 

[New2DVC]

Are you a DVC member? IF not, have you rented points before? If it were me, I'd have another adult member of the family, along with her and maybe a friend go...but get 2 different rooms...one for you and your new hubby...and one for the other adult, the daughter and friend...DVC points used at a couple of studios aren't extremely expensive..She will be there with you, but not always with you..and in the company of a friend...There are lots of ways to save money at disney..If you are creative, you can have the best of both worlds with no hurt feelings...

 

[kwdancer26]

First, don't lie to her about where you're going. Of course she's going to ask to see pictures.

Second, any child needs to understand that it's not all about them. This is YOUR honeymoon and your only chance to spend time alone with your fiance. When you break the news to her, explain to her also that the both of you (especially your fiance) will be spending extra time with her when you get back. Maybe he can take her on a special weekend trip? In short, no matter the family situation, you are entitled to a private honeymoon. And, you should take advantage of this because you need the special time alone before things get back to "normal." The last thing you want to do is look back and realize you never had a proper honeymoon.

As a new family, you all need to sacrifice for each other-children included. Her sacrifice is that you get your honeymoon that you deserve and need. Your fiance also needs to understand that he now needs to split his time. However, by marrying your fiance, you are also unconditionally bringing in his family, and his daughter needs to feel that she is a part of everything. Otherwise, there could be serious hostility issues down the road, especially with your own children, that you won't want to get into.

Although you are trying to put the child first, which I understand, you need to see that some private time should be built into your relationship too. It will be an adjustment for everyone but it will keep your marriage strong.

I hope this helps.

 

[justgeorgi]

You tell her this

We are getting marred, and married people go on honeymoons and we chose to go to Florida and Walt Disney World for our honeymoon because we loved it so much when we went with you. Maybe someday you will get to go to Walt Disney World on your honeymoon. Is there anything you saw when we all went that you would like us to bring home for you?


It is YOUR honeymoon and should be between you and your husband to be. It is NOT a family vacation.

Parents need to stop blurring the lines with their children (and step children) because part of life and growing up is disappointments. Do not feel guilty for enjoying YOUR honeymoon without children. 12 years old or not, she is a child and she will be able to deal with it.

Don't even think twice about it

BTW...I've gone on many trips to Disney WITH and WITHOUT my daughter. My husband and I just went for an anniversary trip in March and left our 17 year old home. Guess what, she survived just fine

 

[justgeorgi]

Oh and by the way...if you HAVE to take your future step daughter on your honeymoon to appease her and make her like you and accept you then you are in a for a lifetime of trying to buy her affections. Don't feel pressured.

And lets be realistic, honeymoons are for ADULTS and unless you plan to get separate rooms you will not be "honeymooning" at all and that sort of defeats the purpose

 

[EvilQueenT]

i think a honeymoon is a honeymoon and kids get that. mine were 4 and 9 when i remarried. maybe say you're going to orlando rather than say you're going to disney. if you want to tell her where you're going specifically make sure whoever keeps her has something special planned for her time while you are away.

 

[kayrosek]

I don't see anything wrong with it. Of course my husband and I are planning on going to WDW without the kids next year. I worried about telling them at first (especially my youngest ASD child) but it turned out to not be as big of a deal as I thought. We told the kids we were planning on going on a trip together (we do that quite often but we also do lots of family trips) and that we had chosen WDW. We explained why we had chosen that location (DxDP, Epcot etc.) and that this was a chance for us to do the things we haden't been able to do when we went as a family. We also told them that someday we would go again as a family but it probably woulden't be for awhile. I tend to be of the opinion that adult only time is very important in a marriage especially a marriage that starts out with children involved. My husband and I diden't have years to get to know each other as a couple so we take advantage of every chance we get to connect with each other, we just make sure to make lots of family memories as well.

 

[ronnmel]

I don't see anything wrong with it. Of course my husband and I are planning on going to WDW without the kids next year. I worried about telling them at first (especially my youngest ASD child) but it turned out to not be as big of a deal as I thought. We told the kids we were planning on going on a trip together (we do that quite often but we also do lots of family trips) and that we had chosen WDW. We explained why we had chosen that location (DxDP, Epcot etc.) and that this was a chance for us to do the things we haden't been able to do when we went as a family. We also told them that someday we would go again as a family but it probably woulden't be for awhile. I tend to be of the opinion that adult only time is very important in a marriage especially a marriage that starts out with children involved. My husband and I diden't have years to get to know each other as a couple so we take advantage of every chance we get to connect with each other, we just make sure to make lots of family memories as well.

You just said everything I was thinking. Especially the last part about not having years without any children involved to get to know each other, so we do need to set time aside for that once in a while.

Thanks everyone. As I said a couple of weeks ago, she did take it well enough. She was more disappointed about not going to the Philippines (but, just the same as with Disney, she is fully welcome to go as soon as she becomes an adult and can pay for her own trip. Though for Disney we will try to bring her once more before that). We fully plan on asking her if there is anything she wants us to do/ bring back for her.

 

[Goobergal99]

DH and I are doing this in two weeks and DD is not upset at all... In fact she said she is a little tired of disney But regardless we will enjoy being able to do all the things we never did because we were more focused on her fun time! Enjoy