How to help my dad get through the loss of my mom

[LeahA]

Hello everyone. My mom had been gone for almost 6 weeks, and I'm having a hard time with my dad.

I have 3 brothers and 2 of them were very present when my mom was at the end and during the funeral process, but now they are starting to not be present at all in my dad's life. Not they were there much before, but I thought in light of what just happened it might make them pick up the phone just 1 time a week and call him to say hello.

My one brother has been helping him as well as myself every week since the sad day when my mom passed.

My dad has always been the can't sit still guy and now that he's sitting still due to the lack of someone to do it with and due to some financial difficulties, he's getting depressed.

He is 1 and 1/2 hours away, and I can't visit him everyday. I try to visit once during the week and between my brother and I he's been coming over to one of our houses on the weekend. He has his condo up for sale, and we hope he can move closer to one of us. It's not that I don't have compassion for his situation because I totally do, it's just that with summer coming and my boys are involved in so much, I'm not going to be able to drive out to visit him as much as I am now. I feel so guilty about everything with him. I then think about my two older brothers who are so out of the picture it gets me so mad. If my dad didn't have financial problems I wouldn't be so worried about him.

I have to worry about where he's going to get money for his bills, his medicine and his food. Some financial secrets came to light with my mom's passing. Unfortunately they were all very negative, and really so much more than I really need or want to think about right now.

Sorry for the vent, I don't know what else to do. I call him everyday. I visit him once during the week, and my brother and I trade off weekends. I bring him food when I visit, fill up his gas tank,etc... I listen to him talk and we think and laugh and talk about my mom. What else can I do? I offered him that I would find a support group for him to talk to, the hospice people said that there were groups they could get him in contact with. I told him to go get a part time job, helped him fill out applications, everything.

I just feel like I'm not doing enough.

 

[Juliegirl1]

Leah,

I can sympathize with you. My mom passed away last June and my father has Parkinson's and depended on her for most everything. She took away his car after he hit the garage several times and so he is completely dependent on others for errands, grocery shopping etc. I live 30 miles away and drive over every weekend to take him to the grocery store and we sometimes go out to eat or to the movies. My brother, who lives with him while going through a divorce, can't seem to get off his butt to run him to the store once a week. It's frustrating.

Right after Mom died I was over almost every day dealing with financial issues etc. and now I am back into my routine with taking my son to school, practices and games and I think my dad is bored and depressed as well. He does nothing but sit on the couch, do puzzles and read and watch tv. It gets old after a while.

My mother also left my dad in a financial bind (secret credit cards with extremely high balances) but we are using an attorney to file for "bankruptcy" (it's not really bankruptcy but he's getting the credit card companies to discharge her debt). My father has a lot of anger towards her. Check with an attorney because bill collectors cannot take retirement savings, the home and certain other assets so your father may be more protected than you think.

Unfortunately my father has no friends and can't work or drive. I am trying to get him to sell the house (too hard to keep up) and move out near me so it is more convenient since my brother isn't really helping. My dad also puts major guilt trips on me but I have a life to live as well and I am trying to not let it get to me.

Is your father collecting social security if he is old enough? A job might be just what he needs to socialize. Also check with his doctor about antidepressants or other alternatives.

It never seems like we are doing enough and at a certain point you just have to say I've done all I can do. You need to keep yourself healthy as well. Good luck and if you need to vent, go for it! It helps!

Julie

 

[Mackey Mouse]

YIkes... I am not sure what to say here..

When my Dad died, he was 52, my Mom was 49...it was not an easy time as I remember it, I never knew whether when I would come home from school if she would be ok or not. They were very much in love, and he did everything. She had to learn from the beginning how to manage money etc.. and she did. I was home until I got married so she was not alone, maybe 4 years after his death. Then she was on her own and I think about that often. She was independent though, drove a car, worked, and was Nana to my children and my brothers as well. She was very active in senior groups, travelled, and while she was in good health enjoyed herself. When my uncle died, she moved in with her sister and they were good company for each other....then my aunt took ill and my mother cared for her....it gave her purpose. When my Aunt died, she was alone again... and she did ok.. still active.

So.....what I am saying is I did not face that. I feel so bad that you are worried about him and there is financial worry as well.. I think I would take any of my parents to my home to live or have them closer to me so that I could help them.. I did not need to do that however....one day my Mom was fine and then the next day, she was gone, so I never really had to deal with what you are dealing with now..

I wish I had more answers.....but I would think that your family, brothers included, should step up to the plate to help their Dad.. he is not just your Dad and he has had a terrible loss. I think I would listen to Julie here and maybe get the advice of an attorney... maybe he needs to claim bankruptcy to get out of the debt...

In the meantime, know you can post here and we will try to help and be supportive and listen.. Hugs, hugs, hugs..

 

[LeahA]

Thanks for your support!