How to handle guest's reactions?

[ButterflyBride]

Hello again Madeese,

My fiance and I are looking at the same exact date as you, but we are hoping to get the WP at 3:30 (or whatever the late afternoon ceremony time is) so that we can have the CH & Reception from 5-8:00 then have everyone troop over to Epcot for the Dessert Party..

I was told by our planner that if there are multiple peopel who want the same time, date, etc. everyone gets put into a raffle and whomevers name is drawn is the one that gets the time, etc... My fiance and I are very displeased by this system but that is how it works.. We are going down on Oct. 11th to meet with our planner and get everything set so that hopefully we can have a contract drawn up as soon as possible... You may want to consider having a few back-up dates, I know we were told to make a list of at least 3...

V

 

[Madeese]

Hi V!

How funny is that - we picked the same day and we both went to the same school! And we are both from NYC! Too funny!!

Good luck on getting your day!! And congratulations again!

Do you think I should plan a trip to Disney before the lottery to meet with a planner? Do you know if that is recommended?

Thank you!!

 

[ButterflyBride]

I'm a PhD student @ NYU, but went to for P-ton undergrad hehe


I think you guys should go down there.. I know that I refuse to make any plans until I go down, meet with the planner, actually visit each venue I am considering for Ceromony and eat at every restaurant we are considering for the CH/Reception.. I would not feel comfortable planning my wedding without doing multiple site visits...

 

[ohanafamily]

Hi Madeese,I was engaged at WDW, am a male, and am in the Jewelry business. I come by this forum because there are occasional Ring questions. I collect engagement stories, and have been to many weddings. If I may make an observation or two, and tell a few stories it may help...

1.) IT IS YOUR DAY, DO WHAT WILL MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST! If this entails giving in to the pressure, it might be necessairy; but it seems you are stronger than that.
2.) PEOPLE IN NYC DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN IN THE SOUTH. I will always remember a wedding in NY that the guests were expected to give gifts more expensive than the cost that the bride was paying for their meal. It strikes me as odd that people expect their friends to give huge gifts like that. I am from the south (in Texas) and we generally invite people we want to be there to these things. The gift is determined by the relationship with the couple. I am including this because this "Custom" when added to the cost of the trip and resort room, and food can be quite scary.
3.) YOU MIGHT HAVE A REASON FOR A DESTINATION WEDDING. I have a friend (who is a good customer) who was married in Bermuda. He has a regional TV show on 1 hour a week, and is a DJ on a popular local radio station. For him to invite everyone who he needed to invite would have been ungodly expensive, and unruly. With the destination wedding, only the people who really felt like they were close to them came. It was still a couple of hundred people, but it was glorious (and quite manageable)
4.) SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET DISNEY... Yup, you heard me admit it. My dad thinks I am an immature foolish child for my love of Disney (I am over 40) and part of the reason we did not have a Disney Wedding was that I wanted him there. We had about 200 people at my wedding. About 90 were my relatives, about 20 were RRBB's relatives, about 15 were my friends, and 75 were RRBB's friends. My family is tied to Texas, so for them to go to FL just wouldn't have been an option, and Family is very important to me (and RRBB). As for the "Friends" that came, they came to Dallas from wherever they lived. RRBB was a consultant that was based in CA (Living in TX) so all of her friends were scattered throughout the country. For Our FRIENDS, a Disney wedding would probably worked out the exact same.
5.) YOU WILL FIND THAT YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. My best friend from college couldn't make my wedding because his wife was busy having a baby. My best friend from HS is local, so he was an easy one too. My best friend from Jr. High came in from CA, and my best friend from grade school came in from Hong Kong.
6.) COMPARED TO A NYC WEDDING, DISNEY IS DOWNRIGHT INEXPENSIVE. Don't get me wrong, a DFTW starts at around $15,000 and goes up quickly. In NYC, once the word WEDDING is mentioned, the costs skyrocket. Add to that the fact that your guest list goes from "Whoever is willing to spend $1000 for a weekend to be with you and to relax a bit" to "Whoever feels you need to invite them and can bum a ride to the party".

I hope this helps.....

PS, you could always lie to them and say that as a Disney Bride, you get lifetime admission to the parks...

 

[Madeese]

Hey -

I love your post! And thanks for the great advice.

You are so right about NY weddings!! The custom is to at least cover your plate, and your date's and then a bit extra. So, if you figure the reception hall is $100 per person, you maybe put $250 or $300 in the card. Insane, huh??

And yes, a DFTW is cheap, compared to a NY wedding which will easily run you anywhere from $60,000 and UP depending on where, time of year, day of week, etc.

Thanks for the help!! You are so right on the money with the NY weddings...

 

[ButterflyBride]

NYC Weddings are ridiculous when it comes to cost.. Our secondary reception to appease my mother is going to end up costing the same as the entire weekend wedding at Disney.. The costs are astronomical and so unnecessary..

You are right on the money about the gift.. You are expected to give at least the cost of the plate.. I went to a friend of mines wedding, gave her $500, and then we fell out of touch 4 months later... It is digusting!

 

[Madeese]

We just had an engagement party 2 weeks ago and almost spent $10,000 for less than 100 people!

I LOVE NYC forever and ever but it's too much to get married here!!

 

[PinkCindere11a]

Congratulations and good luck with everything.
I am also from NY - so I know how expensive it is here. We just had an engagement party with 250 guests (crazy I know).
We decided to have the large engagement party because we know that everyone will not be abel to attend the wedding.
When we told everyone we were getting married in Disney half were happy and half were annoyed actually. Some guests are actually turning around and getting excited about a Disney wedding.
We are also going to have a Church Ceremony in NY after our Disney wedding.
Good luck with everything!!!

 

[disneybridetobe]

Ok, I've been dying to post this.. and held off.. but I think I know how to phrase it. How to deal with guests' negative reactions? With a certain not-to-be-named finger! hehe.

I'm kidding, and I wouldn't do it, and I don't recommend anyone else do that, but that was my first reaction. I'm a smarty pants.

 

[Little_Miss_Lozz]

I completely understand. I am getting married Aug 2007 and I live in Scotland. It will only be my fiance and I and already I have had people say that I am being selfish because none of my family can attend. To be honest though I always wanted a small intimate Wedding, after all it should be what you and your fiance want, not what family and friends want. Over here it is way too expensive, it's costing us much less to get married in Disney and have a 3 week honeymoon

Try not to let it bother you, I think many people get similar reactions. I'm having a reception when I get home for all the people that can't go.

Hey Im from Scotland too where abouts? Im from East Kilbride

Iv had the same issues but its with some older relatives who cant make it. Infact one of DF aunts said last week could we not have the wedding here and just go to Florida for a honeymoon! If she wants to pay for her dinner then thats fine but it would cost us a fortune to get married here too!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

If you give in now, it will just set the pattern for everything - "You guys need to come to our house for the holidays", "We want the baby's birthday party at our house and not the other grandparents" - it's never ending!

isn't that terrible when that happens?? my mother is already doing this to me! DF and i try and juggle the holidays between the two families, but my mother thinks i should be at her house every single time. she got angry with me when i told her that when we have kids, we will have to spend certain holidays with one family, and certain holidays with another. she won't budge when i tried to mention "well how about we do Christmas Eve with you, Christmas Day with them" ......."my own DAUGHTER won't be here for Christmas Day?" "ok.....so how about Christmas Eve with them, Christmas Day with you"......."you don't want to be here for Christmas Eve!?!" as if we do anything anyway.

i'm trying to figure out what to do about that. it's already bad enough as it is with her breathing down my neck for the wedding.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Hey Im from Scotland too where abouts? Im from East Kilbride

Iv had the same issues but its with some older relatives who cant make it. Infact one of DF aunts said last week could we not have the wedding here and just go to Florida for a honeymoon! If she wants to pay for her dinner then thats fine but it would cost us a fortune to get married here too!

I'm from Aberdeen and the Wedding would cost 5x + more to get married here compared to the Wedding we have planned in Disney. My brother recently got married here and he had a huge Wedding, I never wanted that, he invited people he hadn't seen, in like forever. Our Wedding will be so different, just us, exactly our way. I'm no good at catering to what other people want, I have a right to be selfish on my Wedding!

 

[pixie dust 112]

isn't that terrible when that happens?? my mother is already doing this to me! DF and i try and juggle the holidays between the two families, but my mother thinks i should be at her house every single time. she got angry with me when i told her that when we have kids, we will have to spend certain holidays with one family, and certain holidays with another. she won't budge when i tried to mention "well how about we do Christmas Eve with you, Christmas Day with them" ......."my own DAUGHTER won't be here for Christmas Day?" "ok.....so how about Christmas Eve with them, Christmas Day with you"......."you don't want to be here for Christmas Eve!?!" as if we do anything anyway.

i'm trying to figure out what to do about that. it's already bad enough as it is with her breathing down my neck for the wedding.

We always spend Christmas at our own house and let everyone know that they are welcome to come to dinner with us. I tell both my mom and MIL that we all spent our Christmases at home as children and our kids will do the same. It took a year or two for them to get used to it. But now its fine!

We alternate zaThanksgiving. Dinner with one family dessert with the other. Luckily Everyone lives fairly close to one another.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

We always spend Christmas at our own house and let everyone know that they are welcome to come to dinner with us. I tell both my mom and MIL that we all spent our Christmases at home as children and our kids will do the same. It took a year or two for them to get used to it. But now its fine!

We alternate zaThanksgiving. Dinner with one family dessert with the other. Luckily Everyone lives fairly close to one another.

that's what i try to do now, alternate one place for dinner, one place for dessert, but my mother still gets angry. you would think that after 4 years already she'd be used to it. but......nothing ever seems to make that woman happy.

 

[happylalagirl]

Hi there... I'm in NJ - only 20 mins from NYC and I got mostly an opposite reaction. However, we are now in a different bind... we sent out save the dates a year ago and we just got our BEO back 2 weeks ago!!! WAAAAAYYYYYYYY over budget!!!! We cut a whole pile of things and still we are over... so, the only way we can think of cutting the amount we need to, is to not invite all the people we sent invites to. Most are friends that we don't see very much but have been friends with us for years... We can have a party with them at a restaurant or even just our house when we get home... the biggest problem is we both have huge families. His mother has 5 brothers/sisters, his father has 5 brothers/sisters, my father has 7 brothers/sisters and my mother only has one brother. Then I have 3 brothers and he has 3 brothers and a sister... that right there is what is getting us, because all but 2 of those said they are coming!!! NOT what we expected... especially since some are from upstate NY and hate traveling more than 2 hours away and his dad's family ALL from CA.... argh.... I just wanted a small weddign with our parents and brothers/sisters... but he insisted we should have the bigger weddign because all those people who said they'd come are people we love and care about and spend time with...

So, I almost wish I had your problem and people gave us a hard time about going because then we would just do what we've always done - ignore them and tell them if they don't want to come, they don't have to. We will not be offended and we understand it's a destination wedding and not everyone can come...

I'll say a prayer for you... Good luck and have fun planning your wedding.


Sorry for the long post...

 

[ohanafamily]

Hi there... I'm in NJ - only 20 mins from NYC and I got mostly an opposite reaction. However, we are now in a different bind... we sent out save the dates a year ago and we just got our BEO back 2 weeks ago!!! WAAAAAYYYYYYYY over budget!!!! We cut a whole pile of things and still we are over... so, the only way we can think of cutting the amount we need to, is to not invite all the people we sent invites to.

Take heart, your friends will understand....

:figment

 

[superdiz]

Hi Madeese,

Yes - you are not alone! Our family and some of our friends were less than thrilled we were having a Disney wedding. My Grandfather basically disowned me because he thinks it is so selfish of us so NOW he decides to champion for the fact that we are "living in sin" Oh well. You can't change people. You can only live your own life. I'm not marrying him, and this isn't his wedding day or his life so we can't cater to him. Needless to say he wasn't invited!!

To the rest of the people who gave us a hard time - we just kept a smile on our face and said "We know that having a destination wedding is not convenient for everyone. We knew this would significantly cut back on our guest list. If you can't make it, no harm done, we will show you photos when we get back!"

Yeah - when one of the wealthiest aunts decides not to come it was a bit annoying (I wasn't mad - annoyed!) But what can you do? In the end - we have 90 of our closest friends and family and that's actually more than we had planned on so we are extremely happy and feel blessed to be able to spend the day with the people who actually wanted to be there.

Hang in there!

 

[AKL_Megs]

...some have voiced objections to the location, including my FMIL.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. My FMIL keeps telling me that I don't need a wedding if I don't want one.

... Um, I want one!!!

 

[Madeese]

You are all so right!!

I have learned that it really does not matter what anyone says or does. This is OUR WEDDING and it will be done the way WE want it done. It never ceases to amaze me the way people can act - extremely selfish!!

I hate to be that way, but what can you really do? I am not going to pay the NY prices for a wedding. I'm sorry, but I think it's OUTRAGEOUS! I would much rather have my DFTW!

It's up to me what I choose to do anyway!!

Thanks for all the support! I am so lucky to have found these messageboards and such wonderful people!

 

[ohanafamily]

I have one more story "From the other side" to offer...

I have an older brother who has always deemed himself "Better" than the rest of us. I usually ignore it; my other brother who is between us in age is much more reasonable. But back to my story, I have a very good friend who is one of the few people that I can honestly say is more into Disney than DW and myself. They lived next door to us. Long story short, their ONLY DAUGHTER got married. (Gues where) and we were part of the wedding. Well, you all know how far out these things are planned, so a year out we put the date on my family calendar.... 2 months before the wedding, my Dear Brother noticed that the wedding was at the SAME TIME AND DAY as my nieces High school graduation..... The world came to an end. They still haven't forgiven us for not coming (almost 5 years later). My family has lots of issues, and while I love them dearly, I have always been held to a different standard. They expected me to disappoint my friends, change Non-changeable air tickets, and reschedule my vacation... Mind you my parents left the graduation halfway through...but they did show up. Also, we were invited to come but not given a seat. Um OK, BTW, this is still a sore subject with me too. Evidently, MY DN's HS makes a big deal of graduation. To make it completely ridiculous, The Bride attended MY DN's HS, and some of the faculty were at WDW rather than the Graduation... I got some great pictures with a couple of her teachers...

Morale (and this is important): members of your family who are very controlling could use this as an excuse to blame you for them breaking up the family. They have been lying in wait for this excuse. It is a shame, but superdiz, it sounds like It is your Grandfather making noises like this. I would confront him and tell him you are doing this your way and most of the family is OK with it. If he chooses not to go, he shouldn't spoil it for everybody else. If he insists on telling everyone how bad you are, then tell him you won't save him a slice of cake or bring him back a pair of mouse ears. A lot of times if you talk to them (like GP or DA$$) and let them know that this has been a childhood dream it helps. One-on-one is a good thing. Something like "I understand that there are various forces keeping you away, but I really do value your opinion..." If you get them a little involved it may turn an antagonist into a friend. One last thing; Not knowing DA$$, but guessing her type, A Great way to knock the wind out of her sails is to go up to her, tell her how important it is to you for her to be there, and offer to pay her way. It might backfire, but it might shock her into the reality that her $$$ don't come into play.

Just a thought...



ETA I did a spell check... I must have been half asleep when I posted...Sorry.