How to handle an obsession with food?

[WheresFigment?]

Wasn't sure who else to ask about this so maybe someone here has some ideas.

I've been with my BF for a year. Before I met him, he was overweight (I guess) and has been working on losing weight for probably 18 months. He's lost about 60 pounds, 30 of them since we've been together.

However, he is currently food obsessed. To a lesser extent he's also exercise obsessed, but the real problem right now is food. Every single conversation we have contains some mention of what he ate, what he wants to eat, what he can eat, etc. He will ask me on tuesday where we are going out for dinner friday night. He will send me restaurant menus and have me pore over them with him.

We're going to the Big E, and he spent an hour yesterday looking at all the food places and deciding what he could have, what he wanted, where we could eat, etc.

I am this close to losing it. I am so, so tired of the constant food talk, I'm tired of feeling judged for every thing that I eat. I don't like to cook for him anymore because I constantly fear that the "healthiness" of my food is being judged. I've asked him to cut it out and he can't. It's literally all he thinks about or focuses on.

This problem has been brewing for awhile, ever since he let slip that he would be more attracted to me if I was thinner. I'm not fat, but I lost 19lbs since then because it was good for me. We got past that issue (I was pretty wounded for quite some time) but I cannot take any more of the food talk.

It doesn't help that he is by nature a very disaffected person. He never shows emotion of any type. So when he gets excited about food, or talking about food, or eating food, or thinking about food, it's hurtful to me because he never shows that kind of excitement or feeling about ME.

This has to stop or our relationship will end. I can't live with feeling criticized all the time and I can't live with someone to whom food is the only important thing in life, at this point it is far more important to him than me, his family, his friends, anything.

I'm not going to be second best to a cheeseburger. What do I do?? :

 

[Darcy03231]

Wasn't sure who else to ask about this so maybe someone here has some ideas.

I've been with my BF for a year. Before I met him, he was overweight (I guess) and has been working on losing weight for probably 18 months. He's lost about 60 pounds, 30 of them since we've been together.

However, he is currently food obsessed. To a lesser extent he's also exercise obsessed, but the real problem right now is food. Every single conversation we have contains some mention of what he ate, what he wants to eat, what he can eat, etc. He will ask me on tuesday where we are going out for dinner friday night. He will send me restaurant menus and have me pore over them with him.

We're going to the Big E, and he spent an hour yesterday looking at all the food places and deciding what he could have, what he wanted, where we could eat, etc.

I am this close to losing it. I am so, so tired of the constant food talk, I'm tired of feeling judged for every thing that I eat. I don't like to cook for him anymore because I constantly fear that the "healthiness" of my food is being judged. I've asked him to cut it out and he can't. It's literally all he thinks about or focuses on.

This problem has been brewing for awhile, ever since he let slip that he would be more attracted to me if I was thinner. I'm not fat, but I lost 19lbs since then because it was good for me. We got past that issue (I was pretty wounded for quite some time) but I cannot take any more of the food talk.

It doesn't help that he is by nature a very disaffected person. He never shows emotion of any type. So when he gets excited about food, or talking about food, or eating food, or thinking about food, it's hurtful to me because he never shows that kind of excitement or feeling about ME.

This has to stop or our relationship will end. I can't live with feeling criticized all the time and I can't live with someone to whom food is the only important thing in life, at this point it is far more important to him than me, his family, his friends, anything.

I'm not going to be second best to a cheeseburger. What do I do?? :

I think its time for some counseling, both individual and couples, if you both want to continue in this relationship.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your BF sounds OCDish. Is that something that you can live with? Be honest with yourself. If it is not food, it will probably be something else.

If he is not affectionate and this is something you need, then you have to realize that he is not your match.

You can't make someone different. You have to look at them and decide if this is the person for you as they sit now.

If you cannot be honest with yourself then you are cheating yourself out of a relationship that is a match for you.

It sounds like you are ready for the relationship to be over. You don't have torture yourself to the bitter end. You can say to him and yourself, this is just not working out and leave on a mature note instead of waiting for some drama filled moment.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I think he may be heading down a road towards anorexia or exercise anorexia. He needs some counseling to learn how to control the obsessive behaviors and attitudes towards food.

Are there other things in his life that are out of his control? Food control is one of the easiest things a person can control, and obsessive control over food can be very hazardous to a person's health and well-being.

If he can't/won't work with you on the constant topic at hand, you may need to walk away. It's not healthy for him to pour over menus like that, nor is it healthy for you to develop such a negative body image when you are fine with who you are.

 

[WheresFigment?]

Your BF sounds OCDish. Is that something that you can live with? Be honest with yourself. If it is not food, it will probably be something else.

If he is not affectionate and this is something you need, then you have to realize that he is not your match.

You can't make someone different. You have to look at them and decide if this is the person for you as they sit now.

If you cannot be honest with yourself then you are cheating yourself out of a relationship that is a match for you.

It sounds like you are ready for the relationship to be over. You don't have torture yourself to the bitter end. You can say to him and yourself, this is just not working out and leave on a mature note instead of waiting for some drama filled moment.

Well, a few responses:

1. He is physically affectionate, he is just a completely stoic person-- he should have been a fighter pilot, absolutely nothing stirs any kind of response or reaction in him. Well, except food.

2. I love him for many reasons. He's a great guy, treats me well, we have a great time together when food is not part of the picture. I don't want it to end because this obsession isn't "who he is" it's something he developed after he went on a diet.

3. I suggested counseling, and we went both individually and together, but because he is completely incapable of expressing emotion of any kind, the therapist couldn't get very far with him. He knows his obsession is bad and needs to stop, but says he "can't." He knows how what he does makes me feel and says he feels terrible about it but the food, talking about the food, thinking about the food, etc overrides it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, a few responses:

1. He is physically affectionate, he is just a completely stoic person-- he should have been a fighter pilot, absolutely nothing stirs any kind of response or reaction in him. Well, except food.

2. I love him for many reasons. He's a great guy, treats me well, we have a great time together when food is not part of the picture. I don't want it to end because this obsession isn't "who he is" it's something he developed after he went on a diet.

3. I suggested counseling, and we went both individually and together, but because he is completely incapable of expressing emotion of any kind, the therapist couldn't get very far with him. He knows his obsession is bad and needs to stop, but says he "can't." He knows how what he does makes me feel and says he feels terrible about it but the food, talking about the food, thinking about the food, etc overrides it.

He has OCD, this IS a part of him you have to accept that. If he is not OCDing about food it WILL be something else later, trust me. This is a behavior that will never stop.

My point was not about if you love him but rather can you live with his OCD?

You have to be honest with him and yourself. Not everyone can live with OCD and some people can.

Don't cheat each other out on a partner that is more of a match. I hope you understand what I mean.

For example...I could never be with a hoarder. I know I could not. It would drive me to insanity and I would probably be cruel to the person. I would throw their stuff away. That is because I have anxiety around clutter.
We would be unmatchable neuroses.

Make sense?

 

[WheresFigment?]

I can live with OCD-- if he wanted to wash his hands 15 times, or only eat with a particular fork, or fold the bedspread a certain way, whatever. I can't live with him making ME feel bad because of the way HE feels. That's not fair.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hello!

I think that I am in a situation, while not nearly as extreme as yours, gives me a little insight to offer some thoughts.

My DH, like many folks, had a few pounds creep up on him over the years... Once he was in his fourties, he woke up one day and decided that his current physical status (while not bad compared to many!) was just NOT what he wanted... He made huge diet and eating changes. I mean, he could/would live on broiled chicken/fish and steamed broccoli. (NO way could I do this... I just couldn't... I have other health issues.... blood sugar control is not the best, thyroid, and others too..... and I would really become ill if I did not feed my body more than that...)

Okay, for a while, it was all new and novel and the rage...
I will say that he has NEVER been, like, OCD, like what you describe...
But, some of the same food/eating/relationship issues are there.
For a very short time, at the beginning, he just simply could not bring himself to go too far off what he felt were acceptable foods... He did let a negative comment or two slip, but then I let him have it and he did see that it really was not acceptable. There was also the issue of my husband's food/health infatuation (NOT OCD, just an infatuation) affecting my son in a negative way... I did tell my husband, that in NO way was he to say or do anything that would affect our son.... NO WAY would I ever want to subject a daughter to these kinds of issues from her father. The thought is really scary.

So, I have been thu just a tiny percentage of what you are going thru...
But nothing OCD and truly negative, like you describe.

I can tell you that if I had a boyfriend, whom is OCD and who is also self-absorbed and non-demonstrative emotionally, to the level that you describe... I would, very honestly, have to consider ending it now, unless he was willing to see his problem and seek some heavy-duty professional help.

There are some big red-flags that I see in your post.
And, so, just to be honest.... in good conscience, I would have to tell you that I would not go much further, commit to this person, and have him be the father of my children.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I can live with OCD-- if he wanted to wash his hands 15 times, or only eat with a particular fork, or fold the bedspread a certain way, whatever. I can't live with him making ME feel bad because of the way HE feels. That's not fair.

How is he making you feel bad? I am not understanding what you mean.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can live with OCD-- if he wanted to wash his hands 15 times, or only eat with a particular fork, or fold the bedspread a certain way, whatever. I can't live with him making ME feel bad because of the way HE feels. That's not fair.

Exactly, OP....

OCD about eating, and the issues it creates for the wife/spouse, are a much more HUGE issue, than just 'he washes his hands all the time'.

My advice, is that he seeks help immediately to get a handle on this, or I, personally, could not commit to him. I could not stay in the relatinship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

MM, I've been there to just a fraction of the level the OP describes...

He doesn't even have to say anything.... because, obviously his ongoing OCD, self-centered, narration and judgment calls re:food are already there.

Just the fact that she is knowing what he is thinking if she chooses to consume anything other than celery.... and she is living and eating and cooking for this man.... 27/7, in what should be an intimate relationship

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I think he may be heading down a road towards anorexia or exercise anorexia. He needs some counseling to learn how to control the obsessive behaviors and attitudes towards food.

Are there other things in his life that are out of his control? Food control is one of the easiest things a person can control, and obsessive control over food can be very hazardous to a person's health and well-being.

If he can't/won't work with you on the constant topic at hand, you may need to walk away. It's not healthy for him to pour over menus like that, nor is it healthy for you to develop such a negative body image when you are fine with who you are.

I agree with this completely. I think he may need to see a counselor to specializes in eating disorders, as the food obsession is leading him down a pretty dark path.

It's something that's not easily dealt with, and it's something that you really have to decide if it's something you want to deal with in the relationship. If it's something that you can't particularly handle it will be better to just walk away.

 

[Imzadi]

3. I suggested counseling, and we went both individually and together, but because he is completely incapable of expressing emotion of any kind, the therapist couldn't get very far with him. He knows his obsession is bad and needs to stop, but says he "can't." He knows how what he does makes me feel and says he feels terrible about it but the food, talking about the food, thinking about the food, etc overrides it.

You need to find a different therapist. You have aright to shop around for the right fit. There are so many different types of therapies and different personalities of people. Just like you & BF naturally get along with some people better than others, the same thing happens with a therapist.

BF needs one who can meet him at his level and work from there. Not all of them will require him to be more emotional than he is.

The fact that he can get so emotional about food is probably because he feels safe with food. There are underlying issues. The food will always be there. It won't let him down. He can always control the food, needs to apparently. Yet finds and gets great highs from food.

 

[jen0610]

You need to find a different therapist. You have aright to shop around for the right fit. There are so many different types of therapies and different personalities of people. Just like you & BF naturally get along with some people better than others, the same thing happens with a therapist.

BF needs one who can meet him at his level and work from there. Not all of them will require him to be more emotional than he is.

The fact that he can get so emotional about food is probably because he feels safe with food. There are underlying issues. The food will always be there. It won't let him down. He can always control the food, needs to apparently. Yet finds and gets great highs from food.

I was thinking the same thing. They may actually need a couple. They need one that addresses eating issues, then one that address their personal relationship issues. They could get lucky and find one that can address both issues or they may have to go with 2, until the food/eating issue can be addressed, so that it isn't causing so many issue in the personal relationship aspect.

 

[WheresFigment?]

MM, I've been there to just a fraction of the level the OP describes...

He doesn't even have to say anything.... because, obviously his ongoing OCD, self-centered, narration and judgment calls re:food are already there.

Just the fact that she is knowing what he is thinking if she chooses to consume anything other than celery.... and she is living and eating and cooking for this man.... 27/7, in what should be an intimate relationship

This is exactly it. If I eat ice cream, I have to hear about how he can't eat ice cream because it's not on his diet. If I make him pasta, I have to hear a lecture about carbs. If I make him a salad, I have to hear about how he wishes he could eat a chili cheese dog. If I eat peanut butter, he'll say "but I thought that was bad." If he does eat something bad, I have to hear the detailed plan for salads he has to eat to make up for it, or just whining and complaining about how good it tasted but how horrible it was that he ate it.

Or he'll just shake his head and say "I don't know how you can eat that" if you eat pizza, or a popsicle, or dairy, or whatever other food is "bad" this week.

It's really sad actually because I grew up eating no processed food, very healthy, homecooked everything and he grew up on dominos and KFC, but I'm the one getting the lecture and the criticism on the home cooked food I spent a lot of time making. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

Sometimes I want to treat him like a child and tell him to shut up and eat what he's been served. But I don't because I know he can't help it.

 

[rodeo65]

Hello!

I think that I am in a situation, while not nearly as extreme as yours, gives me a little insight to offer some thoughts.

My DH, like many folks, had a few pounds creep up on him over the years... Once he was in his fourties, he woke up one day and decided that his current physical status (while not bad compared to many!) was just NOT what he wanted... He made huge diet and eating changes. I mean, he could/would live on broiled chicken/fish and steamed broccoli. (NO way could I do this... I just couldn't... I have other health issues.... blood sugar control is not the best, thyroid, and others too..... and I would really become ill if I did not feed my body more than that...)

Okay, for a while, it was all new and novel and the rage...
I will say that he has NEVER been, like, OCD, like what you describe...
But, some of the same food/eating/relationship issues are there.
For a very short time, at the beginning, he just simply could not bring himself to go too far off what he felt were acceptable foods... He did let a negative comment or two slip, but then I let him have it and he did see that it really was not acceptable. There was also the issue of my husband's food/health infatuation (NOT OCD, just an infatuation) affecting my son in a negative way... I did tell my husband, that in NO way was he to say or do anything that would affect our son.... NO WAY would I ever want to subject a daughter to these kinds of issues from her father. The thought is really scary.

So, I have been thu just a tiny percentage of what you are going thru...
But nothing OCD and truly negative, like you describe.

I can tell you that if I had a boyfriend, whom is OCD and who is also self-absorbed and non-demonstrative emotionally, to the level that you describe... I would, very honestly, have to consider ending it now, unless he was willing to see his problem and seek some heavy-duty professional help.

There are some big red-flags that I see in your post.
And, so, just to be honest.... in good conscience, I would have to tell you that I would not go much further, commit to this person, and have him be the father of my children.

Very similar situation to mine, except that my DH's weight issues go back to childhood. He was obese as a teen and then lost his weight (125 lbs) in an unhealthy way in his early 20's. He gained it back a few years later and then lost it again - not in a healthy way. We met shortly after the second go round.

I had my own weight issues - about 20 to lose at the time. We have "dieted" together over the years; most successfully during the months leading up to our wedding.

After our second child was born he again put on close to 100 lbs. This time he got into weight lifting and clean eating and lost it properly over about 1 1/2 years and has kept it off for over five. I have managed to turn my 20 lbs into 50 that needs to be gone and there were certainly times he tried to "teach" me what to do.

I can not and have no desire to eat tuna and salad every day for lunch for a year and a half. We definitely had conflict over our approaches. He's very black and white, all or nothing and I am very shaded and moderate. It took time for him to back off on my habits and for me to see that his work for him. Now I go to WW and have lost a little over 1/3 of my goal. It is very slow going and he sometimes rolls his eyes and reminds me of how it could go if I lifted and lived on tuna and low GI foods. I then remind him that I do for me and he does for him. It's taken years but we (mostly) keep out of each others' food relationships.

Differences like this can be managed but only if both respect each other's choices. I know that he thinks WW is not rigid enough for him, but that is why it works for me. He "slips up" all the time in his eyes but I see it as moderation.

I agree with those that say you should really consider this relationship. You are not tied at this point. Really consider the rest of your life if nothing changes.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

But I don't because I know he can't help it.

But he CAN help it... he doesn't because he doesn't think/know he has a problem. If you continue to pacify this obessession it will only get worse.

 

[WI_DisneyFan]

I won't comment on the emotional side of the relationship, since that is strictly between the two of you. However, I felt like I could add a little perspective from someone who has been in the same position as your boyfriend. Five years ago, I was significantly overweight - (5'6", 240 lbs). I've managed to lose and keep off a little over 85 pounds since then through nothing but diet and exercise, so I can understand where he is coming from. When you have lived a good portion of your life overweight, and are finally able to get fairly healthy, you live every day fearing that one bad decision will cause you to fall off the wagon, so to speak, and the weight will just find its way back to your body; it would be like all of that hard work and sacrifice was for nothing. People in that position can't just be happy that they've lost the weight, they feel like they have to do everything they can to make sure they don't put it back on. So what you see as being obsessive, I see as him making sure he makes the right choices. For instance, you may think it is a problem to think about Friday's meal on Tuesday. But to me and others who have decided to live a healthy lifestyle after years of being unhealthy, that's just proper planning. Why end up eating a 1000 calorie meal when there are 500 calorie options available? You just might not know which are the better options until you are able to research them a bit. I certainly wouldn't just have the knee-jerk reaction of saying that he is OCD. I would say that he's making a conscious effort to make the right food choices, day in and day out.

Let me ask you this. Let's say instead of him being overweight, he recently found out that he has some sort of food allergy. Would you fault him for sending you menus and figuring out what he can eat ahead of time in that situation? Would you consider him OCD if he was constantly looking for new foods that he can eat that wouldn't trigger his allergy?

I'm prepared to get blasted for this, but honestly some of the responses here disappoint me a little bit. I've read that he'll end up anorexic, is OCD, needs to go to therapy for this. Why? Because he was sick of being overweight and wants to live a healthy lifestyle? Because he is thinking about what he puts in his body? Because he wants to make sure that he eats at a restaurant that offers healthy options instead of just sitting down and hoping for the best? You know the old saying, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure? That's what this sounds like to me. He's doing a little legwork ahead of time to prevent further health problems down the road.

I will say, though, that he needs to find a happy middle point. It took me a few years, but I've gotten to the point where I can enjoy a nice meal out with friends and not worry about what it'll do to the scale. But the next day, I'm back to counting calories and sweating to the oldies, because I know that's the only way I'm going to see my kids and grandkids grow up.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Let me ask you this. Let's say instead of him being overweight, he recently found out that he has some sort of food allergy. Would you fault him for sending you menus and figuring out what he can eat ahead of time in that situation? Would you consider him OCD if he was constantly looking for new foods that he can eat that wouldn't trigger his allergy?

B.A.D. analogy. Allergies can kill instantly. Being overweight kills you over time. It's better to compare it to obsessive cleaning than allergies...

And there are safer ways to maintain your diet than to obessess over each and every calorie and working out to make darn sure you burn off what you ate. That is NOT healthy. Dieting doesn't work. Period. For long term success you have to change your lifestyle. Cut the sodas, sugary teas, processed grains, etc. Starving yourself in order to maintain weight is a disease. Controlling your calories below a healthy level is a disease.

I've battled weight my entire life because my mother was anorexic in high school and college. She fed and fed me. When I don't take care of myself (eating decent, exercising) I go up. Maintaining a good diet of fruits, veg, and lean meats and getting my butt up off the couch keeps me where I'm happy.

 

[Imzadi]

This is exactly it. If I eat ice cream, I have to hear about how he can't eat ice cream because it's not on his diet. If I make him pasta, I have to hear a lecture about carbs. If I make him a salad, I have to hear about how he wishes he could eat a chili cheese dog. If I eat peanut butter, he'll say "but I thought that was bad." If he does eat something bad, I have to hear the detailed plan for salads he has to eat to make up for it, or just whining and complaining about how good it tasted but how horrible it was that he ate it.

Or he'll just shake his head and say "I don't know how you can eat that" if you eat pizza, or a popsicle, or dairy, or whatever other food is "bad" this week.

Does this sound like a happy man to you? Disorders, addictions, obsessions mask underlying issues. Example: Alcoholism is not a disease of physical thirst.


You have a right to set boundaries on him telling you what YOU can eat. Your body, your food, your choices. What he is doing isn't even passive aggressive. He's plain aggressive & shaming & taking it out on you.

It is a very big red flag when someone says, "It isn't 'who he is'." Uh, YES this IS who he is - now. And maybe always. Women tend to love the man who was there, especially at the beginning. You have to come to terms with who is there now. He's not just the sweet guy. He's the critical, shaming guy, too.

If, as you say, he loves food more, he really has no incentive to change. He's getting his needs met with food.

He may actually be unhappy in the relationship and doesn't know how to face it and tell you. It leaks out in his constant criticism of you via the food, where he finds safety and righteousness.