How to handle an obsession with food?

[tlbwriter]

Let me ask you this. Let's say instead of him being overweight, he recently found out that he has some sort of food allergy. Would you fault him for sending you menus and figuring out what he can eat ahead of time in that situation? Would you consider him OCD if he was constantly looking for new foods that he can eat that wouldn't trigger his allergy?

If he discussed it as much as this guy does? If it was the only thing he could show emotion about? Yes, I'd say he has issues and needs help.

 

[WheresFigment?]

I won't comment on the emotional side of the relationship, since that is strictly between the two of you. However, I felt like I could add a little perspective from someone who has been in the same position as your boyfriend. Five years ago, I was significantly overweight - (5'6", 240 lbs). I've managed to lose and keep off a little over 85 pounds since then through nothing but diet and exercise, so I can understand where he is coming from. When you have lived a good portion of your life overweight, and are finally able to get fairly healthy, you live every day fearing that one bad decision will cause you to fall off the wagon, so to speak, and the weight will just find its way back to your body; it would be like all of that hard work and sacrifice was for nothing. People in that position can't just be happy that they've lost the weight, they feel like they have to do everything they can to make sure they don't put it back on. So what you see as being obsessive, I see as him making sure he makes the right choices. For instance, you may think it is a problem to think about Friday's meal on Tuesday. But to me and others who have decided to live a healthy lifestyle after years of being unhealthy, that's just proper planning. Why end up eating a 1000 calorie meal when there are 500 calorie options available? You just might not know which are the better options until you are able to research them a bit. I certainly wouldn't just have the knee-jerk reaction of saying that he is OCD. I would say that he's making a conscious effort to make the right food choices, day in and day out.

Let me ask you this. Let's say instead of him being overweight, he recently found out that he has some sort of food allergy. Would you fault him for sending you menus and figuring out what he can eat ahead of time in that situation? Would you consider him OCD if he was constantly looking for new foods that he can eat that wouldn't trigger his allergy?

I'm prepared to get blasted for this, but honestly some of the responses here disappoint me a little bit. I've read that he'll end up anorexic, is OCD, needs to go to therapy for this. Why? Because he was sick of being overweight and wants to live a healthy lifestyle? Because he is thinking about what he puts in his body? Because he wants to make sure that he eats at a restaurant that offers healthy options instead of just sitting down and hoping for the best? You know the old saying, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure? That's what this sounds like to me. He's doing a little legwork ahead of time to prevent further health problems down the road.

I will say, though, that he needs to find a happy middle point. It took me a few years, but I've gotten to the point where I can enjoy a nice meal out with friends and not worry about what it'll do to the scale. But the next day, I'm back to counting calories and sweating to the oldies, because I know that's the only way I'm going to see my kids and grandkids grow up.

I would buy this, except he asks me where we're going not because he wants to plan, but because he wants to hear what I suggest and then DISCUSS why we can or cannot eat there. He left for work before I got up this morning, and I woke up to an email not saying good morning, not saying I love you, but with a link to some Irish restaurant that we apparently have to check out.

I'd buy it, except he will eat things like cream puffs, dominos pizza, huge ice cream sundaes, plates of pasta, etc, then discuss how awful that is. He will suggest we go to chilis, then order a jalepeno burger. Somehow that is my fault as he will always say that he "only pigs out on fridays" which is when we usually go out. So that makes me feel like he's blaming me for the food he eats.

I am happy to support him in his weight loss and help him make good decisions. What I am not happy to do is listen to daily conversations about food, eating, etc. Everything we do and everywhere we go it is about the food--where are we going to eat, when are we going to eat, what are we going to eat when we get there. Even places that are not about food, that is the only consideration. Food is the only thing he ever wants to do or talk about.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

I can live with OCD-- if he wanted to wash his hands 15 times, or only eat with a particular fork, or fold the bedspread a certain way, whatever. I can't live with him making ME feel bad because of the way HE feels. That's not fair.

As others have said, it doesn't matter what the OCD is, it can very much spill into the relationship as you said, even if it's not food. My brother has OCD about cleanliness. It isn't just that HE needs his hands washed, teeth brushed, whatever- it's that (to an extent) we can't be around him if we don't mean his standards. I didn't see him in 2 years because he felt we weren't serious enough about his needs.

The good news is there is help out there. If the therapist you tried didn't "click", perhaps try another if this is a relationship you want to keep.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I would buy this, except he asks me where we're going not because he wants to plan, but because he wants to hear what I suggest and then DISCUSS why we can or cannot eat there. He left for work before I got up this morning, and I woke up to an email not saying good morning, not saying I love you, but with a link to some Irish restaurant that we apparently have to check out.

I'd buy it, except he will eat things like cream puffs, dominos pizza, huge ice cream sundaes, plates of pasta, etc, then discuss how awful that is. He will suggest we go to chilis, then order a jalepeno burger. Somehow that is my fault as he will always say that he "only pigs out on fridays" which is when we usually go out. So that makes me feel like he's blaming me for the food he eats.

I am happy to support him in his weight loss and help him make good decisions. What I am not happy to do is listen to daily conversations about food, eating, etc. Everything we do and everywhere we go it is about the food--where are we going to eat, when are we going to eat, what are we going to eat when we get there. Even places that are not about food, that is the only consideration. Food is the only thing he ever wants to do or talk about.

Are you reading what you write? He is binging because he is obsessing over his food. Eating a meal with someone then calling them a pig is.not.healthy...

You are continuing to stand up for the person who is making you miserable. You are equally guilty for allowing this to continue. He is not making you happy mentally. Showing physical affection after making you feel horrible does not fix the problem.

He needs to make major life changes or he will never be satisfied with who he is. He can make the change. He needs to start by putting down the jalapeno burger and picking up a veggie or turkey burger instead.

 

[DVCLiz]

OP, why don't you make some ground rules and stick to them?

"BF, I am tired of this behavior and it needs to change. I am asking you to respect these guidelines:

We will take turns choosing the restaurant we want to visit on our nights out and we will not discuss in detail what we will order. You are well versed enough in nutrition and food choices by now to be able to make a healthy choice for yourself while the server is getting our drinks. No more obsessing over it beforehand."

"No more discussion about food other than making plans to meet for meals, and no more discussion about the qualities of the food. Either you stop this behavior which you know is affecting me negatively, or you get another kind of counseling to help you understand what you are doing to me and our relationship, or I will break up with you."

Then do it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, a few responses:

1. He is physically affectionate, he is just a completely stoic person-- he should have been a fighter pilot, absolutely nothing stirs any kind of response or reaction in him. Well, except food.

2. I love him for many reasons. He's a great guy, treats me well, we have a great time together when food is not part of the picture. I don't want it to end because this obsession isn't "who he is" it's something he developed after he went on a diet.

3. I suggested counseling, and we went both individually and together, but because he is completely incapable of expressing emotion of any kind, the therapist couldn't get very far with him. He knows his obsession is bad and needs to stop, but says he "can't." He knows how what he does makes me feel and says he feels terrible about it but the food, talking about the food, thinking about the food, etc overrides it.

Well, then, I guess you have your answer.
Food is more important to him than you. He knows how it makes you feel and he continues to do it.
If you want to play second fiddle to his "obsession of the moment" (because as a PP said, if it's not food it will be something else) then stay with him.
If you want to meet a man who will love you for you, be interested in you and be interested in making you feel loved, I suggest you break up with this fella and move on.

When people show and tell you who they are, it would serve you well to pay attention to the warning.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

This is exactly it. If I eat ice cream, I have to hear about how he can't eat ice cream because it's not on his diet. If I make him pasta, I have to hear a lecture about carbs. If I make him a salad, I have to hear about how he wishes he could eat a chili cheese dog. If I eat peanut butter, he'll say "but I thought that was bad." If he does eat something bad, I have to hear the detailed plan for salads he has to eat to make up for it, or just whining and complaining about how good it tasted but how horrible it was that he ate it.

Or he'll just shake his head and say "I don't know how you can eat that" if you eat pizza, or a popsicle, or dairy, or whatever other food is "bad" this week.

It's really sad actually because I grew up eating no processed food, very healthy, homecooked everything and he grew up on dominos and KFC, but I'm the one getting the lecture and the criticism on the home cooked food I spent a lot of time making. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

Sometimes I want to treat him like a child and tell him to shut up and eat what he's been served. But I don't because I know he can't help it.

Has he spent some time with a nutritionist? Has he tried going to a few Weight Watchers meetings? Or is his "diet" his own concoction of what he "can" and "can't" eat? Everything that you're saying he insists he "can't eat" - he most certainly can.... in moderation.

Yes, it sounds like OCD and/or perfectionistic tendencies. He's seeing foods as black or white - bad or good - and then he has himself up on this tightrope. And when he "fails" he beats the crud out of himself. So very not emotionally healthy.

I would really try to get him to see another therapist and also a nutritionist. Maybe the combination will help him see that there really aren't many "bad" foods out there.

 

[Disney Doll]

This is exactly it. If I eat ice cream, I have to hear about how he can't eat ice cream because it's not on his diet. If I make him pasta, I have to hear a lecture about carbs. If I make him a salad, I have to hear about how he wishes he could eat a chili cheese dog. If I eat peanut butter, he'll say "but I thought that was bad." If he does eat something bad, I have to hear the detailed plan for salads he has to eat to make up for it, or just whining and complaining about how good it tasted but how horrible it was that he ate it.

Or he'll just shake his head and say "I don't know how you can eat that" if you eat pizza, or a popsicle, or dairy, or whatever other food is "bad" this week.

It's really sad actually because I grew up eating no processed food, very healthy, homecooked everything and he grew up on dominos and KFC, but I'm the one getting the lecture and the criticism on the home cooked food I spent a lot of time making. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

Sometimes I want to treat him like a child and tell him to shut up and eat what he's been served. But I don't because I know he can't help it.

This would make me nuts. I wouldn't be able to tolerate this constantly and would have to tel him that I was breaking up with him.

 

[Jennasis]

He has an eating disorder. Period.

If he doesn't get in with a therapist or psych who treats eating disorders immediately, he will only get worse. If he isn't anorxic/bulemic right this second, then it's just a matter of time.

His issues are way beyond food.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Wasn't sure who else to ask about this so maybe someone here has some ideas.

I've been with my BF for a year. Before I met him, he was overweight (I guess) and has been working on losing weight for probably 18 months. He's lost about 60 pounds, 30 of them since we've been together.

However, he is currently food obsessed. To a lesser extent he's also exercise obsessed, but the real problem right now is food. Every single conversation we have contains some mention of what he ate, what he wants to eat, what he can eat, etc. He will ask me on tuesday where we are going out for dinner friday night. He will send me restaurant menus and have me pore over them with him.

We're going to the Big E, and he spent an hour yesterday looking at all the food places and deciding what he could have, what he wanted, where we could eat, etc.

I am this close to losing it. I am so, so tired of the constant food talk, I'm tired of feeling judged for every thing that I eat. I don't like to cook for him anymore because I constantly fear that the "healthiness" of my food is being judged. I've asked him to cut it out and he can't. It's literally all he thinks about or focuses on.

This problem has been brewing for awhile, ever since he let slip that he would be more attracted to me if I was thinner. I'm not fat, but I lost 19lbs since then because it was good for me. We got past that issue (I was pretty wounded for quite some time) but I cannot take any more of the food talk.

It doesn't help that he is by nature a very disaffected person. He never shows emotion of any type. So when he gets excited about food, or talking about food, or eating food, or thinking about food, it's hurtful to me because he never shows that kind of excitement or feeling about ME.

This has to stop or our relationship will end. I can't live with feeling criticized all the time and I can't live with someone to whom food is the only important thing in life, at this point it is far more important to him than me, his family, his friends, anything.

I'm not going to be second best to a cheeseburger. What do I do?? :

I would leave him because of what I bolded above. Men who love women love them for themselves, not because they are 20 pounds lighter. What happens if you gain a pound, he's less attracted to you and loves you less?

I'd dump him and move on. You're better than that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am happy to support him in his weight loss and help him make good decisions. What I am not happy to do is listen to daily conversations about food, eating, etc. Everything we do and everywhere we go it is about the food--where are we going to eat, when are we going to eat, what are we going to eat when we get there. Even places that are not about food, that is the only consideration. Food is the only thing he ever wants to do or talk about.

Now I will admit I like talking about food. However I am not OCD although my family might argue that point.

If you are not happy in this relationship, get out of it. At some point you have to start living in your reality and not what you want things to be like.

If you are unable to break away from someone who is making you unhappy then what does that say about your psychiatric makeup? That you like to be tortured? That you are attention seeking because you are playing a victim to someone who makes you unhappy? That you believe you can "fix" him at your own expense? I could go on.

You have to understand that this is really about you and what you want out of life and not about your BF. That is what everything boils down to in the end really.

I hope you get that soon. Now it is not easy to understand and follow through but I think you are at the point where you are forced to examine your situation and make the changes necessary to save yourself.

Good Luck

 

[terri01p]

 

[kirstenb1]

Well, then, I guess you have your answer.
Food is more important to him than you. He knows how it makes you feel and he continues to do it.
If you want to play second fiddle to his "obsession of the moment" (because as a PP said, if it's not food it will be something else) then stay with him.
If you want to meet a man who will love you for you, be interested in you and be interested in making you feel loved, I suggest you break up with this fella and move on.

When people show and tell you who they are, it would serve you well to pay attention to the warning.

As usual, DD has good common-sense advice. I second this.

 

[ShesAPirate]

From what I'm reading, he probably wouldn't go, but... from my perspective, he might need OA (Overeaters Anonymous). It's not just for people who eat too much or are overweight. It's for all manners of eating disorders and food addiction. And his behavior sounds like a food addiction to me. It might be good for the OP, too. Just like you don't have to be an alcoholic to go to an AA meeting, anyone can go to OA. It might give her a better perspective on his issues and help her deal with it better. And best of all, it's 100% free!

This is from the OA website:
Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Best of luck to you, OP

 

[NotUrsula]

He has an eating disorder. Period.

If he doesn't get in with a therapist or psych who treats eating disorders immediately, he will only get worse. If he isn't anorxic/bulemic right this second, then it's just a matter of time.

His issues are way beyond food.

Or he could do what my SIL did -- find an SO who will aid, abet, and feed the obsession. My BIL does this because he loves his wife, and now BOTH of them are absolutely insufferable. They have even found a way to twist a religion to make their worship all about food. (They have converted to a very obscure sect of Buddhism, and it appears to encourage a sort of theological dissection of every item that is ever consumed. The food hangups came first, way before they had ever heard of the Buddhist sect and long before their conversion.) BIL has been known to fall off the wagon when not in her presence, but she always manages to make him feel guilty enough to confess -- among other things she claims that she can "smell" meat on his skin if he has consumed it any time in the past week or so. I don't know; maybe she can, but is that any way to conduct a marriage?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Are you reading what you write? He is binging because he is obsessing over his food. Eating a meal with someone then calling them a pig is.not.healthy...

You are continuing to stand up for the person who is making you miserable. You are equally guilty for allowing this to continue. He is not making you happy mentally.

I totally agree....

OP, read this.....
What he is doing (not just 'dieting', but all the other related emotional, relationship, and OCD issues... is NOT emotionally normal or healthy....

The more details you post, the more we can see the deeper underlying issues... 'control' (THAT IS A BIGGIE) Passive aggression... (EVEN WORSE) etc... etc....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Food is more important to him than you. He knows how it makes you feel and he continues to do it.
If you want to play second fiddle to his "obsession of the moment" (because as a PP said, if it's not food it will be something else) then stay with him.
If you want to meet a man who will love you for you, be interested in you and be interested in making you feel loved, I suggest you break up with this fella and move on.

Well said.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you are not happy in this relationship, get out of it. At some point you have to start living in your reality and not what you want things to be like.

If you are unable to break away from someone who is making you unhappy then what does that say about your psychiatric makeup? That you like to be tortured? That you are attention seeking because you are playing a victim to someone who makes you unhappy? That you believe you can "fix" him at your own expense? I could go on.

You have to understand that this is really about you and what you want out of life and not about your BF. That is what everything boils down to in the end really.

Most excellent post on the DIS!!!!!

OP, you really need to start thinking in these kinds of terms, before you decide to commit and/or parenting children with this person...
Once you are married or are the mother of a person's children, yes, at that point, be prepared to accept that it IS about them.

Take off the kaleidoscope glasses and see the WHOLE person... not what you have wanted to see.

 

[bumbershoot]

He's just going to have to find a different therapist to find out WHAT this is. Is it anorexia? Coming up to bulemia (since he binges but isn't yet purging)? Is it OCD? Is he just a jerk? Is this just an overreaction from someone who doesn't want to be heavy again? Gotta find out WHAT it is.

Of course you can certainly leave before that happens. The only decision is what you want to do right now...support him in finding a new therapist as well as a couples therapist to help you both communicate in better ways...or just leave?

You need to find a different therapist. You have aright to shop around for the right fit. There are so many different types of therapies and different personalities of people. Just like you & BF naturally get along with some people better than others, the same thing happens with a therapist.

BF needs one who can meet him at his level and work from there. Not all of them will require him to be more emotional than he is.

Definitely. If my therapist had required me to burst into tears at every session and have major breakthroughs, it would have been exhausting.

I won't comment on the emotional side of the relationship, since that is strictly between the two of you. However, I felt like I could add a little perspective from someone who has been in the same position as your boyfriend. Five years ago, I was significantly overweight - (5'6", 240 lbs). I've managed to lose and keep off a little over 85 pounds since then through nothing but diet and exercise, so I can understand where he is coming from. When you have lived a good portion of your life overweight, and are finally able to get fairly healthy, you live every day fearing that one bad decision will cause you to fall off the wagon, so to speak, and the weight will just find its way back to your body; it would be like all of that hard work and sacrifice was for nothing. People in that position can't just be happy that they've lost the weight, they feel like they have to do everything they can to make sure they don't put it back on. So what you see as being obsessive, I see as him making sure he makes the right choices. For instance, you may think it is a problem to think about Friday's meal on Tuesday. But to me and others who have decided to live a healthy lifestyle after years of being unhealthy, that's just proper planning. Why end up eating a 1000 calorie meal when there are 500 calorie options available? You just might not know which are the better options until you are able to research them a bit. I certainly wouldn't just have the knee-jerk reaction of saying that he is OCD. I would say that he's making a conscious effort to make the right food choices, day in and day out.

Let me ask you this. Let's say instead of him being overweight, he recently found out that he has some sort of food allergy. Would you fault him for sending you menus and figuring out what he can eat ahead of time in that situation? Would you consider him OCD if he was constantly looking for new foods that he can eat that wouldn't trigger his allergy?

I'm prepared to get blasted for this, but honestly some of the responses here disappoint me a little bit. I've read that he'll end up anorexic, is OCD, needs to go to therapy for this. Why? Because he was sick of being overweight and wants to live a healthy lifestyle? Because he is thinking about what he puts in his body? Because he wants to make sure that he eats at a restaurant that offers healthy options instead of just sitting down and hoping for the best? You know the old saying, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure? That's what this sounds like to me. He's doing a little legwork ahead of time to prevent further health problems down the road.

I will say, though, that he needs to find a happy middle point. It took me a few years, but I've gotten to the point where I can enjoy a nice meal out with friends and not worry about what it'll do to the scale. But the next day, I'm back to counting calories and sweating to the oldies, because I know that's the only way I'm going to see my kids and grandkids grow up.

Those are actually good points.

to further the food allergy problem...instead of people thinking about peanuts and anaphalaxsis, what about DS and DH's problems with corn syrup based products? We accidentally bought something with the cutesie-named "corn sweetener" (our local Great Harvest Bread Co is using it instead of honey, isn't that lovely?), and before I figured it out, I got to have a full weekend of two people who were unbearable. DS had tantrums that he doesn't have anymore, hubby got so annoyed and angry, just over the top, about it, we had to talk to DS about his unacceptable behaviour multiple times on Sunday, and so on. On late Sunday I looked at the label, and called the store, and yep, it's HFCS.

So that doesn't kill a person, but it sure does make the spouse/mother kinda want to send them away!

So we sound obsessive in listing out the items they can't have. NOw we get to add corn sweetener to the list. We *have to* ask, talk about it, think about it, etc etc etc, in order to help DS and DH. (interestingly, DH's blood sugar was fine...but that's likely because it was *cinnamon* bread, and cinnamon is the wonder drug to beat all wonder drugs for hubby's blood sugar..it covered up the spike he would have had, but he was absolutely unbearable, mood-wise, for two days)



So now does it sound a bit more "normal", one end of normal for sure, but possibly just a variation. The problem is, he needs to keep it in his head a bit more.

I can't live with him making ME feel bad because of the way HE feels. That's not fair.

So that makes me feel like he's blaming me for the food he eats.

Does *it* make you feel like that, or does HE make you feel like that? Is that his intent? Or is it paranoia? I've had that, for sure, I've felt like DH saying something *about* me, when he's only talking *to* me. And I've done it to DH, too. His weight is a big issue, he's having a horrible time getting it down (pituitary tumor, awful, so hard to lose weight when dealing with this nonsense), and he grew up with a mother that plated his food, forced him to eat it all, and then shamed him for gaining weight. She also wouldn't let him run and play and hop and skip like normal kids, because she was afraid of him getting hurt. he was in a lose lose lose lose and then gain weight situation, and the physical AND emotional effects have lasted and lasted. It was the gift that just keeps on giving from her...

So we can accidentally make each other feel bad. And when I managed to mess up with how I'm talking, I wish he'd understand that I'd never do it on purpose. In fact, the time that I did have to talk to him seriously about his weight, I tried to be as gentle, non-shaming, concerned-about-him as possible. I was crying while talking, that's how difficult it was for me to talk to him. And I should realize that HE would never make fun of ME, too.

So is it just the talk that causes you hurt feelings, or is he deliberately shaming you? I'm not talking about what he said about attraction...that's OK in my book. Right now one of hubby's oldest friends is considering dumping his girlfriend of 2+ years because she's putting on weight. He would actually rather dump her for made up reasons, than take the risk of her anger when he says that she needs to lose a few sizes for him to be attracted to her again. He likes and probably loves her...but he wants her to get her weight back under control for the attraction to be stronger again. And I can totally understand that, having been there most definitely! So talking about weight, even if it hurts to know that you've gained, isn't a heinous crime IMO...(but leaving because of it, without giving any warning, is!).

But you can talk about weight or you can purposely shame a person.

I would leave him because of what I bolded above. Men who love women love them for themselves, not because they are 20 pounds lighter. What happens if you gain a pound, he's less attracted to you and loves you less?

I'd dump him and move on. You're better than that.

Wowie! Very unrealistic, very fairy tale. One can *love* without *attraction*. If one is a very visual person, that can easily happen. DH talks a good game about how his feelings for me don't change. But then I lose 10 pounds, and he's saying vavavavoom all over the place. Mmmhmm, your feelings don't change, yeah right. And it was worse for me as DH was gaining. Though a lot of it was concern for him. One shouldn't pass out 2 seconds after lying down, sleep all night, get up and ready and get on the bus, pass out for the commute, fall asleep while on the phone with customers (that happened twice), leave work, get on the bus, pass out again, get home, have dinner, sit on the couch and pass out again. This is NOT healthy. Especially not in a 33 year old. And it went hand in hand with his weight gain. (this was all years before his blood sugar problems were evident...he had perfect blood sugars and shocked his doctors...but he was requesting bloodwork to check his hormones, and doctors were REFUSING, but we now know it was the prolactinoma starting and making its presence known, and anyone could have found it if they'd just honored his bloodwork requests...it was a sign of a problem, and my noticing it then was GOOD...he was also eating HFCS in lots of things...WW meals, he would have sodas, etc, and passing out cold is something that happens to him with HFCS, just after being nasty and rude.)

I *had to* speak up, and I had to be honest (because that's who I am). Did it hurt his feelings? yes. Was I trying to hurt his feelings? No. I was trying to help him back to health AND help our marriage by bringing the attraction back AND eventually help him feel better about himself.

he would be more attracted to me if I was thinner

Right...that's not saying he would LOVE you more if you were thinner, but that his eyes would be happier.

That's not a crime, IMO.




But bottom line, he needs to find a better therapist, to either stop any problem that's started, or at the VERY least get him to not say everything that's in his head about food. If he IS trying to shame you, and if he wants to stay with you, he has to stop shaming you.

And you have to decide if you want to stick around for this process.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

It is supposed to be easy and fun when you are dating. When it becomes annoying and miserable it is time to go. You are not married to him. Move on and find someone who truly enjoys you and he can find someone who truly enjoys him. (Susan Powter maybe?)