How to get spouse onboard for downsizing?

[tvguy]

Since you quoted me, we moved from Pittsburgh area to N. Virginia this year. Yes, I know all about CG tax (not relevant when we lived there over 30 years and the gain was not over $500,000). Property taxes are property taxes, Virginia taxes the value of our cars. We have found a dentist and I have found an endocrinologist and primary care doctor. People move all the time and do these things. Yes, it can be a pain but being 4 hours closer to an arriving grandchild makes it worth it. We moved from a house on 1/2 acre in the suburbs to a townhouse within walking distance of grocery, drug stores, restaurants, the Metro, and love it. It felt good getting rid of the excess. DH still has stuff in the garage that means there is only room for 1 car instead of 2, but it is progress.

My parents sold my childhood house and bought a condo several years before my dad died and it was a very good thing. Many members of my church had relocated to 55+ places where they did not have to worry about yard work and snow shoveling. They liked the community feel and activities in their new homes.

Yes, I quoted you since I was responding to your comment. Sounds like you did exactly what I was suggesting, your homework. And yes, I realize I am California where housing prices a nuts. But owning a home over 30 years and not having a gain over more of $500,000 here would be hard to do. My DS and DDIL bought their house in 2017 for $283,000 and sold it in July for $415,000, a gain of $132,000 in just 4 years.

 

[georgina]

Yes, I quoted you since I was responding to your comment. Sounds like you did exactly what I was suggesting, your homework. And yes, I realize I am California where housing prices a nuts. But owning a home over 30 years and not having a gain over more of $500,000 here would be hard to do. My DS and DDIL bought their house in 2017 for $283,000 and sold it in July for $415,000, a gain of $132,000 in just 4 years.

LOL. Pittsburgh is low COL area. We bought our house in 1987 for $60,000 and sold it in 2021 for just over $350,000 which shocked me how much we got for it. That represents the crazy hot home sales in the area last spring.

 

[tvguy]

LOL. Pittsburgh is low COL area. We bought our house in 1987 for $60,000 and sold it in 2021 for just over $350,000 which shocked me how much we got for it. That represents the crazy hot home sales in the area last spring.

$350,000 would be an entry level condo or house here now. My daughter bought her 919 square foot 3 bedroom 1 bath for $249,900 2 years ago. Zillow says it is worth $353,400 now. Redfin says it is worth $348,257. Realtor says $322,500.

 

[Colleen27]

My parents sold my childhood house and bought a condo several years before my dad died and it was a very good thing. Many members of my church had relocated to 55+ places where they did not have to worry about yard work and snow shoveling. They liked the community feel and activities in their new homes.

Those are the biggest upsides I see in selling the "big house", as TVguy called it. I wish my mother would. I've been on her for the four years since my brother died to sell her house - which isn't really big, but it is a 3/2 on 1/4 acre with the laundry and almost all of the storage space in the basement - and move to something single-story where HOA fees would cover the exterior upkeep. Yes, they add up... but so does having a lawn service, snow service, etc. And she'd be more independent with a main-floor laundry and a more modern/well-planned kitchen, not to mention with the sort of on-site activities and amenities that most 55+ communities offer. Which is a selfish thought, in part, because it is hard on me to add the tasks she can't do herself to my own home/parenting/work obligations, but also partly not because the kind of isolation she deals with when she's not feeling up to driving any distance (mostly in traffic) to her standing social commitments isn't healthy.

 

[maxaroni]

@Snowysmom First let me send my sincere condolences to you.

DH and I knew we were heading towards downsizing, over the last 5 years or so, we decoded to get rid of some things. It was not a we have to do this now, but going over things as a quick pass through each room. Last year DS28 was going to be getting married in April and we said, once he gets married let’s get serious about this. Covid struck and the wedding was postponed until November, once again we said after the wedding let’s get serious about downsizing. Last October my DH had a heart attack, out of the blue with no warning signs. He needed triple bypass. Before surgery, DH said to me if something happens unload the house and downsize. He made it through surgery and is doing well. However, that was what we needed to get our rear in gear and downsize. For all of the reasons you stated, we realized tomorrow is never a guarantee. To have had me having to unload the house, our 25 years in that house, 40 years married, raising a child in that house, etc., to do it alone would be way way too much. My DS and DIL would help but it would be up to me for all of the decisions. Add in the grieving, need to find a home, etc.

So, we unloaded a ton, took pictures of things we got rid of that we knew we had to but it was still something that meant something to us. It took a lot of soul searching and also realizing it is all just stuff. Also, we thought that we didn’t want the burden on our son, in keeping all everythIng. Control was in our hands to do with our things as we wanted, not DS just saying get rid of it.

We love our new house, it’s new construction and exactly what we were looking for.

Sending good thoughts to you as you navigate through this journey.

 

[disney212]

Wow, only one year? I did wear my suit 2 years ago for formal night on our cruise, but I might only wear a suit once in a 3 or 4 years. Not going to throw that out. Or slacks and dress shirts. Those kind of clothes that you need when you need them, but not often. When I was working blue jeans were the norm, and I almost bought a couple of new pairs when I got called back to work in the building in June, but the store I went to had limited hours that the dressing rooms were open, and I was there 2 hours before they opened. Counted how many pairs I had and decided I didn't need anymore

special occasion items don't count, just regular clothes. I wear dressy clothes to work but am working from home for the pandemic but not getting rid of those. My husband had shirts from high school when we got married that hadn't been worn in so long they had dust on the shoulders those were gone. He wears his tuxedo every few years so that stayed. I wasn't suggesting get rid of any type of formal wear. He did have suits I got rid of, he wears a suit once or twice a year, no need to have 25 of them, I kept 1 winter and 1 summer.

 

[Snowysmom]

@maxaroni Sorry that your DH had health issues but glad he is doing well now.

I can tell you that cleaning out the house, and it is actually much more than cleaning, is so hard right now. If I could go back in time I would do it myself even if DH was not on board. I frequently told him I was going to start getting rid of some of the stuff hoping to jumpstart him but he would only say he was going to do it when he retired. We were married 45 years so there is alot of stuff that he saved over the years.

I know I cannot and do not want to take care of a big house. Plus DH passed there suddenly and that adds to my wishes to find a smaller place. I figure if I am making a life transition now with DH gone, I may as well go for a smaller, easier to care for place. The kids told me they would worry about me at the house with the stairs, the laundry in the basement etc. I do need to take that into consideration too. When I told them my plan to go to one floor living either a condo (their preference) or a small ranch which still has the maintenance issues, they agreed. I am a young 65 (or so I tell myself) and before DH passed I felt like I was 35. The cost of lawn care plus snow removal in New England basically costs the same or a only a little bit less than condo fees at most places I looked at just for a comparison. Since I would be going from a higher value house to a lower value condo or house, depending on the town I move to real estate taxes could be the same, a bit lower, or a bit higher so something to look at when I am ready to look seriously. I would move closer to one of the kids, most likely near where my house is now. I do know I am not taking alot of stuff with me, only sentimental things. I don't want my kids to have to do a second big cleanout when my time comes.

I am back to the house today to do some more cleaning out and waiting for the heating guy to come do the annual inspection. DH usually handled things like this. We were a good team and had our things we did. I am not retired yet and go back to work full time at the end of Nov. I won't have the time to clean during the week which will slow down the effort a bit. Thankfully our sons are there to help do the heavy lifting and help make decisions.

 

[Karin1984]

I would first start with asking him what his plan is. If you want him to get on board, he needs to be involved. If he doesn't want to be involved, because of his background, you might need a little help.

Other options to go through things are like Marie Kondo (what do you really enjoy, is functional etc), Swedish Death Cleaning (if you die now, do you want others go through all your stuff), thereare several tv shows on hoarders, maybe he can get some tips from those. Make pictures of certain items if you want to keep the memory, but not the item.

 

[easyas123]

Swedish Death Cleaning (if you die now, do you want others go through all your stuff),

I've never heard this term, but I think I like it!

 

[Karin1984]

I've never heard this term, but I think I like it!

It is a really interesting method, not just when you get older, but it makes you think differently about what you own. There is a bit more to it, but if you are a hoarder, I would approach it like this

 

[Pumbaa_]

Tell him it will take $10-15,000 or more to move what you have. Then in Florida there are no basements and the garages are unheated. He will need more than one storage unit that is climate controlled. So add in what another $300 a month or so to store his treasures. Better to consolidate to what he may actually use in the future. I wish you much luck. My mother moved f/t to Florida and walked out of her home leaving me to downsize for her. Good times

 

[barkley]

Tell him it will take $10-15,000 or more to move what you have.

it could be a good wake up moment for him to have a moving company come to the place and give you both an estimate of JUST what moving it would cost (them loading on truck/not them packing it). for added emphasis on the cost of of moving/keeping all the extra stuff-ask the person making the estimate how many moving boxes the estimate would require and the cost of purchasing those boxes (those suckers are crazy expensive), then how many square feet of stuff they estimate you have to move. use that information to think out loud something akin to 'oh, so we've got about 500 square feet more of stuff than we will have room in the new house, and x number square feet of additional stuff in the garage/sheds...than we will have room for in the new garage-how much will it add to the cost of the move for that to a separate storage facility?'. ahead of time research how much storage costs where you are going-not the cheap initial 'come on' offers for the first few months-the regular, ongoing cost (and you might need to check with your insurer to see if you need additional coverage for that stuff offsite or on the flip side-you might be able to lower your coverage by virtue of the downsizing of the home/contents).

the hard numbers may be startling (twice in our lives we had to move out of our existing homes into temporary housing after they sold before construction on our new homes was completed-first time we used storage-1 standard/1 climate controlled. the cost was so crazy that the second time we opted to pay more in rent to get a house with an insulated 3 car garage that none of the cars went into (several hundreds a month adds up quickly).

 

[fortwildernessishome]

A life lesson I learned the hard way: My DH was a pack rat gone wild. He was going to clean out everything once he retired. Unfortunately he passed away recently, 2 years before retirement. Now my 2 DSs and I are left to clean up the mess. He didn't want that to happen and he thought he had time. I was always telling him he needed to start now and he did do a few things before he passed. It will take us months to clean out the house, mainly working on it weekends, to get it ready for either selling or if I decide to live there again which is unlikely. The house is too much for me to care for and I am most likely going to downsize to a condo or a small ranch. We have a dumpster coming next week and that is just for the bins under our sun porch, old tires, and other assorted outside stuff. We will have a dumpster back once we sort out things in the downstairs area. The upstairs is alot of donations of DVDs, books, and clothes. Plus we have sentimental stuff we want to save but we are being very careful not to save everything and anything. We take pictures of things that are somewhat sentimental before donating or throwing out. I am totally overwhelmed by this and add in the immense grief I feel and it is a mess. I wish he had not saved everything that he thought he might need or would look at when he retired. I wish I had "encouraged" him more to clean up the stuff.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.