How to get spouse onboard for downsizing?

[hopemax]

I am the "keeper" and I think part of it comes down to terminology and presentation. I don't think it terms of keep, donate, trash. Even if that's the end result. What works for me is more along the lines of

Used frequently
Used seasonally / specific activity (and that activity happens)
Functional, and may need it some day
Functional, but more trouble envisioning what I might use it for
Non-functional but I know others can make it functional
Stuff I really don't want
Trash

It's the middle categories that create all the problems for people like me. I hate throwing something out and then needing it later and finding that the current model is cheap and will break. My Dad was always a "fixer" and I'll see online how people were so happy to find a broken X they were able to refurb by replacing a $5 part and use it because current stuff is crap. DSIL is a minimalist and admits to getting rid of stuff too easily, and then feels guilty because she's also into the environment and knows her cycle is not eco-friendly.

It really is one person's trash, is another's treasure and when people go into a situation acting as if something is trash, even with a just donate it, doesn't mean it ends up in the hands where it's most useful and most loved, that's what raises hackles. There is work involved with finding things good homes, but thanks to the internet it is easier. Are there things a buddy (or a buddy's kids / grandkids / nieces / nephews) could benefit from because someone doesn't have funds and / or "all the current stuff is crap?" Is there an active neighborhood freecycle type group. If there is an emotional attachment to the things, can they be replaced by photos? Not a photograph the item, and then chuck it. But could hanging photos to that one vacation where the scuba was excellent, give the same vicarious feelings as seeing the scuba equipment in the garage? If he was a dive master / into horses are there organizations that help kids (underprivileged, disabled, etc) who could benefit from donations of those things by talking to people he still knows that dive and ride who might have those connections (if he answers no, they would need newer because of safety, etc, then can maybe ask gently why he needs it). Thinking in terms of "somebody needs this, is that somebody really you? How can we get it to the somebody who really does need it?"

Talk about it in terms of needing to ensure the new place has enough space and how to arrange it for the stuff that falls into the first few categories, and to make that stuff easy to grab and get to the business of using it, and not hunting through piles, and moving stuff. Make things an inventory and organizational exercise not a "getting rid of stuff."

 

[VandVsmama]

I am the "keeper" and I think part of it comes down to terminology and presentation. I don't think it terms of keep, donate, trash. Even if that's the end result. What works for me is more along the lines of

Used frequently
Used seasonally / specific activity (and that activity happens)
Functional, and may need it some day
Functional, but more trouble envisioning what I might use it for
Non-functional but I know others can make it functional
Stuff I really don't want
Trash

It's the middle categories that create all the problems for people like me. I hate throwing something out and then needing it later and finding that the current model is cheap and will break. My Dad was always a "fixer" and I'll see online how people were so happy to find a broken X they were able to refurb by replacing a $5 part and use it because current stuff is crap. DSIL is a minimalist and admits to getting rid of stuff too easily, and then feels guilty because she's also into the environment and knows her cycle is not eco-friendly.

It really is one person's trash, is another's treasure and when people go into a situation acting as if something is trash, even with a just donate it, doesn't mean it ends up in the hands where it's most useful and most loved, that's what raises hackles. There is work involved with finding things good homes, but thanks to the internet it is easier. Are there things a buddy (or a buddy's kids / grandkids / nieces / nephews) could benefit from because someone doesn't have funds and / or "all the current stuff is crap?" Is there an active neighborhood freecycle type group. If there is an emotional attachment to the things, can they be replaced by photos? Not a photograph the item, and then chuck it. But could hanging photos to that one vacation where the scuba was excellent, give the same vicarious feelings as seeing the scuba equipment in the garage? If he was a dive master / into horses are there organizations that help kids (underprivileged, disabled, etc) who could benefit from donations of those things by talking to people he still knows that dive and ride who might have those connections (if he answers no, they would need newer because of safety, etc, then can maybe ask gently why he needs it). Thinking in terms of "somebody needs this, is that somebody really you? How can we get it to the somebody who really does need it?"

Talk about it in terms of needing to ensure the new place has enough space and how to arrange it for the stuff that falls into the first few categories, and to make that stuff easy to grab and get to the business of using it, and not hunting through piles, and moving stuff. Make things an inventory and organizational exercise not a "getting rid of stuff."

I think that this is a great way to approach it. Especially the part where you said, "Somebody needs this, is that somebody really you? How can we get it to the somebody who really does need it?"

 

[ktink]

We just downsized in June. Back story is that my parents both retired this year & have hit the road in their RV full time. So they really downsized! They needed someone to take care of the farm & have deeded the house over to us. We went from 3600 square foot to 1200. We had no choice but to get rid of things we didn't need. It was hard for us to not have the "we may need this later" mentality.

Not only did we have our things to clear out of the larger house but as each adult child had moved out.. we noticed what all they had left behind. LOL! It did take awhile to get to the point of realizing what we didn't really need. We do have a storage unit for the time being but we ended up giving the majority of things to the kids, friends, & Goodwill. For me, I just finally got sick of the amount of things that had piled up over the years & didn't want to deal with it any further.

 

[HeatherC]

Or you could simply allow your husband to hang on to things that he likes. Just because the wife decides to go nuclear in getting rid of things, doesn't mean he has to. If he agrees, fine. But to constantly hound him only creates a tense home experience and causes him to dig in deeper. What may be junk to the wife may have meaning to the husband. And don't you DARE start tossing things of his without consulting him. That is a quick way to really have him explode.

Why can't someone simply enjoy his/her "treasures", whether or not the spouse agrees or understands. Is it only your way or else?

Part of me understands what you are saying, but another part thinks it is selfish. At some point, whether they move or not, someone will have to clear out all the stuff that has literally been there for years as the OP said and not getting used. If something happens to her husband, then she is left being responsible for getting rid of all of it which can be a monumental task….particularly as people get older. Even if they stay where they are until they die, it is still selfish to expect someone else to have to deal with a lifetime of crap because someone couldn’t be bothered to sort through stuff and get rid of things. I know this to be true, because I have had to clean out numerous homes for people who did this exact thing.

The OP is simply asking for ways to get her husband to help start with their downsizing plans. I think that is very fair and realistic.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I am happy with my life. No need to purge. Although DH is free to toss any of his belongings if he so desires

 

[Disney.Dreamin.Dee]

I don't think you can really convince someone of something like getting rid of things they've kept.
They have to decide that downsizing is a good idea all on their own.
I wouldn't put any pressure on him at least not until he does retire and you actually do have that 3/2 in a 55+ community to move into.
He very well may come to the conclusion all on his own that not all of his things can fit in there and he should do away with things that he will never or will likely never use again.

 

[kirstenb1]

My husband has a ton of stuff (mainly tools and electronics that completely take up our 2 car garage. I want to move to Virginia Beach to be closer to family when we retire. I'm resigned to a probable move to a rural part of VB, so dh can have a large garage for his hobbies.

Is your dh on board with moving to a smaller house in a 55 community? I know our husbands have different hobbies, but this would be a tough sell for my dh.

 

[Praying Colonel]

My spouse is about to retire and we're hoping to move to a 3/2 in a 55+ community. The house will be smaller by about 500 sq ft. I have been 'brutal' in my getting rid of things that I've held onto all these years. Things that mattered, were valuable, still in excellent use. But we have so many multiples!

My spouse is a hunter and was a horseback rider/owner, dive master, works with tools. A entire two car garage is PACKED to the gills. We HAVE to get rid of the stuff we're not actively using.

We have two garage frigs/freezers. One is 1/3 full of last year's deer meat. Yall. I don't eat venison. And he's about to start hunting again. There are people who could use the meat and he did start out saying he would donate anything he shot, but he brought it home instead.

He grew up really really poor and I think there's some kind of poverty mentality going on. He gets defensive when I try to 'poke the bear' in regards to getting rid of stuff.I have no doubt he's proud of the success he has achieved in his life and his 'things' reflect that.

Has anyone else been down this path? Can you please give me advice?I'm out of ideas on how to move forward.

We just did this--moved from a 4/4 with 3400 sq ft to a 2/2 with 1200 in a 55+ community. Radical change, and everyone who'd done it said you need to get rid of just about everything.

We got rid of a lot but took a lot with us--way, way, too much. DW just couldn't part with a lot of sentimental things from her side of the family. Now she's trying to get rid of what she should've got rid of before the move, because it's just way too cluttered and not how we want to live. A cautionary tale!

 

[tvguy]

I don't know anyone who downsized and regretted it later.

You do need to do your homework before doing anything to make sure you understand the potential consequences. Everything from Capital Gains Taxes to Property Taxes. And that is assuming you are staying in the same area. If you are moving to a new city throw in finding new Doctors and Dentists that take your insurance or are taking new patients, etc, it can be a mess.
Some of my mom's friends tried to convince her to downsize from a 1,700 square foot 3 bedroom 2 bath house on a half acre to a 1,000 square foot 2 bedroom 2 bath condo. If she had done that her property taxes would have doubled and the HOA fee for upkeep was $300, far more than it cost her to keep her house up.

 

[Judique]

You do need to do your homework before doing anything to make sure you understand the potential consequences. Everything from Capital Gains Taxes to Property Taxes. And that is assuming you are staying in the same area. If you are moving to a new city throw in finding new Doctors and Dentists that take your insurance or are taking new patients, etc, it can be a mess.
Some of my mom's friends tried to convince her to downsize from a 1,700 square foot 3 bedroom 2 bath house on a half acre to a 1,000 square foot 2 bedroom 2 bath condo. If she had done that her property taxes would have doubled and the HOA fee for upkeep was $300, far more than it cost her to keep her house up.

I agree with doing homework.

But, are your Mom's friends living in the condo? Were they trying to get her to come try a new lifestyle and make new friends, get involved in senior activities and a chance for renewed enjoyment of her remaining years?

Or was it just a 'you should move' 'you don't need to be alone here in this bigger house' sort of deal.

People looking in from the outside have all kinds of ideas about what's best for others, including family.

I never did get around to upsizing after I bought my starter home. Now I feel I'm in my forever home. The only thing is I feel as if I've rebuilt it several times over the years as I've replaced and upgraded it's features. And I've been getting some new ideas lately, but the rumors about building supplies being extra expensive are slowing me down.

 

[easyas123]

You do need to do your homework before doing anything to make sure you understand the potential consequences. Everything from Capital Gains Taxes to Property Taxes. And that is assuming you are staying in the same area. If you are moving to a new city throw in finding new Doctors and Dentists that take your insurance or are taking new patients, etc, it can be a mess.
Some of my mom's friends tried to convince her to downsize from a 1,700 square foot 3 bedroom 2 bath house on a half acre to a 1,000 square foot 2 bedroom 2 bath condo. If she had done that her property taxes would have doubled and the HOA fee for upkeep was $300, far more than it cost her to keep her house up.

Yes, all things to consider...but honestly, that can apply to many situations folks find themselves in over the course of their lives. It's not specific to 'downsizing' as you near or enter retirement. I think that is more failure to plan vs. a pitfall specific to downsizing, which can happen if you are young or old, moving to a bigger place or smaller at any point in life.

 

[Colleen27]

Why can't someone simply enjoy his/her "treasures", whether or not the spouse agrees or understands. Is it only your way or else?

When two people live together, there has to be some sort of happy medium. Otherwise the burden of all that "stuff", and of making room for it, falls squarely on the person who doesn't want it and she ends up pressured to get rid of even more of her stuff to make room for his.

I get it, Kenny, But at some point, it's time to get rid of the multiple saddles when you haven't owned a horse in 11 years, can no longer scuba dive due to back issues, won't be having any yard work at all, never use the kayaks, haven't touched the bikes in 20 years, hate to golf but has clubs....see where I'm going with this?

Other people could enjoy these things! And yes, he is on board with moving as someone else asked. I would never touch his stuff. Im asking for suggestions of how to get the ball rolling. After cleaning out my parents' home, I'm literally traumatized by all the crap and don't want to do that to my kids.

I wonder how much of not getting rid of that stuff relates to not wanting to accept the fact that health issues and age have forced those lifestyle changes? There are some things DH holds on to for reasons that appear to me to be pure nostalgia/denial - hunting equipment even though he hasn't gone in decades and probably never will now that his father has died, hockey gear despite knowing he's too old and has had too many injuries over the years to play again, etc. Fortunately it doesn't take up much room relative to the size of our house and is easily tucked in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind corner of his basement workshop, but when I suggested getting rid of it before our last move you'd have thought I suggested getting rid of one of the kids. So now I just assume that stuff is going to follow us for the rest of our lives.

We're maybe a half-dozen years from downsizing but the bolded above is why I purge periodically and try to keep the amount of accumulated stuff reasonable. My mom is still living but I've been working on cleaning out and organizing her basement because of flooding issues in her community, and let me tell you, I've had literal nightmares about the amount of stuff down there to be dealt with. It is the clutter of 60+ years and two generations living in that house, led by two crafty women with supplies-hoarding issues, and it is just so much. And my mom is no longer able to navigate the stairs, so dealing with it all falls to me now. I don't want to leave a similar mess for my kids, whether it is when we pass or when mobility limits our capacity for dealing with the further reaches of our home's storage areas ourselves.

You do need to do your homework before doing anything to make sure you understand the potential consequences. Everything from Capital Gains Taxes to Property Taxes. And that is assuming you are staying in the same area. If you are moving to a new city throw in finding new Doctors and Dentists that take your insurance or are taking new patients, etc, it can be a mess.
Some of my mom's friends tried to convince her to downsize from a 1,700 square foot 3 bedroom 2 bath house on a half acre to a 1,000 square foot 2 bedroom 2 bath condo. If she had done that her property taxes would have doubled and the HOA fee for upkeep was $300, far more than it cost her to keep her house up.

Not a lot of states have such protective property tax laws, though. California (like Michigan, where I am) is unusual in so strictly limiting increases over time that even downsizing can end up triggering a much bigger tax bill because you're giving up so many years of below-market value increases. It is definitely something to be aware of if it does apply to you, but it doesn't apply to most of the country.

Finding new medical professionals and a new friend group is probably the bigger hurdle for relocating to a new city/state, but that's the advantage of making the move while still younger (meaning older middle age, not already well into retirement) and there's time to build up new relationships while still active and mostly healthy.

 

[Snowysmom]

A life lesson I learned the hard way: My DH was a pack rat gone wild. He was going to clean out everything once he retired. Unfortunately he passed away recently, 2 years before retirement. Now my 2 DSs and I are left to clean up the mess. He didn't want that to happen and he thought he had time. I was always telling him he needed to start now and he did do a few things before he passed. It will take us months to clean out the house, mainly working on it weekends, to get it ready for either selling or if I decide to live there again which is unlikely. The house is too much for me to care for and I am most likely going to downsize to a condo or a small ranch. We have a dumpster coming next week and that is just for the bins under our sun porch, old tires, and other assorted outside stuff. We will have a dumpster back once we sort out things in the downstairs area. The upstairs is alot of donations of DVDs, books, and clothes. Plus we have sentimental stuff we want to save but we are being very careful not to save everything and anything. We take pictures of things that are somewhat sentimental before donating or throwing out. I am totally overwhelmed by this and add in the immense grief I feel and it is a mess. I wish he had not saved everything that he thought he might need or would look at when he retired. I wish I had "encouraged" him more to clean up the stuff.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

My husband and I have had the "discussion" about all his stuff many times. He is a collector of many things for many, many years. I will say, it's not junk. Most very valuable and all taken care of very well. I now live in a 7500 square foot house and the basement is all his. He really has no room for anything more. It's all displayed, very nicely, but no more room. He has no intention with ever parting with his stuff and I have no idea how we will manage when eventually we do down size. Cars are another problem. We only have 2 drivers in the family now, daughter will be learning soon. But we've always had at least 5 cars. Somehow I managed to finally sell his 69 corvette but only to have another take it's place. He's response is, "you knew what you were marrying," LOL.

 

[tvguy]

I agree with doing homework.

But, are your Mom's friends living in the condo? Were they trying to get her to come try a new lifestyle and make new friends, get involved in senior activities and a chance for renewed enjoyment of her remaining years?

Or was it just a 'you should move' 'you don't need to be alone here in this bigger house' sort of deal.

People looking in from the outside have all kinds of ideas about what's best for others, including family.

I never did get around to upsizing after I bought my starter home. Now I feel I'm in my forever home. The only thing is I feel as if I've rebuilt it several times over the years as I've replaced and upgraded it's features. And I've been getting some new ideas lately, but the rumors about building supplies being extra expensive are slowing me down.

It was "you should move because you don't need a big house" when the big house was cheaper than a condo. She was very active in Senior activities in the park district she lived in and the church she belonged to, so she was living life to the fullest right where she was. Only one friend went the condo route and fortunately she made a nice profit on selling her house, because she had to dip into the money because the condo between property taxes and HOA fees cost more per month.

 

[tvguy]

Not a lot of states have such protective property tax laws, though. California (like Michigan, where I am) is unusual in so strictly limiting increases over time that even downsizing can end up triggering a much bigger tax bill because you're giving up so many years of below-market value increases. It is definitely something to be aware of if it does apply to you, but it doesn't apply to most of the country.

There can also be Capital Gains taxes in some circumstances, and HOA fees where can be downright obscene. But HOA fees are not unique to downsizing. They forced my daughter to buy a house instead of a condo because the $300 a month fee made the condo unaffordable. The flip side of that is she is having to pay the $1,300 plumbing repair bill at her house, although I'm not sure an HOA would cover that repair since they generally only pay for repairs outside the condo, not inside.

 

[disney212]

Over the last 20 years I have slowly gotten rid of stuff. Started with clothes DH didn't wear in over a year, moved on to his junk drawers. He has never missed any of it. After a couple years I just started donating old stuff that was just sitting around. I did tell him and we now use the 1 year rules and he is good about it. He grew up poor and stuff comforted him but he is so look much better. We both have the 1 in 2 out rule, for every 1 thing you but 2 old things must go.

 

[LoveSpringsteen]

A life lesson I learned the hard way: My DH was a pack rat gone wild. He was going to clean out everything once he retired. Unfortunately he passed away recently, 2 years before retirement. Now my 2 DSs and I are left to clean up the mess. He didn't want that to happen and he thought he had time. I was always telling him he needed to start now and he did do a few things before he passed. It will take us months to clean out the house, mainly working on it weekends, to get it ready for either selling or if I decide to live there again which is unlikely. The house is too much for me to care for and I am most likely going to downsize to a condo or a small ranch. We have a dumpster coming next week and that is just for the bins under our sun porch, old tires, and other assorted outside stuff. We will have a dumpster back once we sort out things in the downstairs area. The upstairs is alot of donations of DVDs, books, and clothes. Plus we have sentimental stuff we want to save but we are being very careful not to save everything and anything. We take pictures of things that are somewhat sentimental before donating or throwing out. I am totally overwhelmed by this and add in the immense grief I feel and it is a mess. I wish he had not saved everything that he thought he might need or would look at when he retired. I wish I had "encouraged" him more to clean up the stuff.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.

 

[tvguy]

Over the last 20 years I have slowly gotten rid of stuff. Started with clothes DH didn't wear in over a year, moved on to his junk drawers. He has never missed any of it. After a couple years I just started donating old stuff that was just sitting around. I did tell him and we now use the 1 year rules and he is good about it. He grew up poor and stuff comforted him but he is so look much better. We both have the 1 in 2 out rule, for every 1 thing you but 2 old things must go.

Wow, only one year? I did wear my suit 2 years ago for formal night on our cruise, but I might only wear a suit once in a 3 or 4 years. Not going to throw that out. Or slacks and dress shirts. Those kind of clothes that you need when you need them, but not often. When I was working blue jeans were the norm, and I almost bought a couple of new pairs when I got called back to work in the building in June, but the store I went to had limited hours that the dressing rooms were open, and I was there 2 hours before they opened. Counted how many pairs I had and decided I didn't need anymore

 

[georgina]

You do need to do your homework before doing anything to make sure you understand the potential consequences. Everything from Capital Gains Taxes to Property Taxes. And that is assuming you are staying in the same area. If you are moving to a new city throw in finding new Doctors and Dentists that take your insurance or are taking new patients, etc, it can be a mess.
Some of my mom's friends tried to convince her to downsize from a 1,700 square foot 3 bedroom 2 bath house on a half acre to a 1,000 square foot 2 bedroom 2 bath condo. If she had done that her property taxes would have doubled and the HOA fee for upkeep was $300, far more than it cost her to keep her house up.

Since you quoted me, we moved from Pittsburgh area to N. Virginia this year. Yes, I know all about CG tax (not relevant when we lived there over 30 years and the gain was not over $500,000). Property taxes are property taxes, Virginia taxes the value of our cars. We have found a dentist and I have found an endocrinologist and primary care doctor. People move all the time and do these things. Yes, it can be a pain but being 4 hours closer to an arriving grandchild makes it worth it. We moved from a house on 1/2 acre in the suburbs to a townhouse within walking distance of grocery, drug stores, restaurants, the Metro, and love it. It felt good getting rid of the excess. DH still has stuff in the garage that means there is only room for 1 car instead of 2, but it is progress.

My parents sold my childhood house and bought a condo several years before my dad died and it was a very good thing. Many members of my church had relocated to 55+ places where they did not have to worry about yard work and snow shoveling. They liked the community feel and activities in their new homes.