How to get a child to sleep ALONE!!

[PEANUT1]

i think most people understand that the easiest way to get a child to sleep alone is to do it from the start....but it is not helpful to say that to someone who is already having a problem. how about trying to give advice instead of saying what they should have done from the beginning.

good luck..just keep trying.

 

[Hef4545]

My DS slept alone until he was about 3. Then DH went on overnight shift and they would bond at bedtime, reading books in our bed. DH would go off to work and DS would continue sleeping. Speed ahead to age 9. He was afraid to sleep alone.

It was not easy but I am a firm believer that there are some battles that are not worth fighting. My only concern was that at some point a big hairy arm would be wrapped around me. He decided on his own that he was wanted to sleep in his own room again.

There are no hard rules when it comes to children. It is what works for you and your family unit. I will say that you do need consistency.
You'll figure this thing out. Like you said, it is a little difficult because you like being with her so you know she is safe. It may take a little time but you'll so it. At least she is in her own bed.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Oh I needed this thread. I need to go back and read everyone's advice. DD (3- almost 4) has always slept by herself in her own bed but has NEVER been a good sleeper. I'm (personally) not a big fan of co-sleeping but also value my own rest too much to battle with her night after night. About 2-3 months ago, she suddently started coming into my room at night. I tried taking away priviledges (tv is the big one) but that hasn't worked. DH works 3rd shift and the interesting part is that she only comes into my room when I'm alone. I've tried to assure her that I'm not lonely and that she can sleep in her own bed. I've tried telling her that the cat who sleeps in her room is lonely. I tried sticker charts. She hasn't watched tv in months (which isn't a bad thing !!!). I've even tried bribing her with "Disney" money (if anyone gives her money she says she's saving if for Disney...whole other "monster" I've created!!!) She will NOT go back to her own room.

 

[julm26]

You shouldn't have let her sleep with you in the first place. I have a friend who has an eight year old that still sleeps with her and her Dh. How ridiculous!! My DD2 has never slept one day in our bed. She has her own bed and she likes it that way. Someone gave me this wise advice when I first had my DD "Be the Parent" - I suggest you take the advice too.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Oh I needed this thread. I need to go back and read everyone's advice. DD (3- almost 4) has always slept by herself in her own bed but has NEVER been a good sleeper. I'm (personally) not a big fan of co-sleeping but also value my own rest too much to battle with her night after night. About 2-3 months ago, she suddently started coming into my room at night. I tried taking away priviledges (tv is the big one) but that hasn't worked. DH works 3rd shift and the interesting part is that she only comes into my room when I'm alone. I've tried to assure her that I'm not lonely and that she can sleep in her own bed. I've tried telling her that the cat who sleeps in her room is lonely. I tried sticker charts. She hasn't watched tv in months (which isn't a bad thing !!!). I've even tried bribing her with "Disney" money (if anyone gives her money she says she's saving if for Disney...whole other "monster" I've created!!!) She will NOT go back to her own room.

Tnkrbelle, here is my advice and I'm a hardcore mommy who never gives in. Never! I know, I'm mean! (I will admit sometimes I say no when I wish I would have said yes, but it's too late, I've already said no, so I stick with it, minimizes whining for things big time b/c he knows I won't change my mind)

How much effort are you willing to put in to correct this? This is a battle of wills! You must battle! It's the only way. No more bribes, no more sticker charts! Have what I like to call a "come to Jesus" talk with her.

"Listen, Susie, I know you like sleeping in Mommy's bed sometimes, but it is over. You are a big girl and you are going to sleep in your own room. If you would like a radio with some music, or a night light that's fine, but you are not coming in my room. Do not bother to try to come in my room tonight. If you do you are going right back into your room. There will be no more Disney money, no more stickers. This is it. I love you and I want you to be a big girl and big girls enjoy their own rooms. Sleeping with Mommy is for babies."

Ok, now you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH, REGARDLESS OF HOW FRUSTRATED OR TIRED YOU ARE. She comes in your room, you walk her back to hers. She comes in again, you walk her back to hers. This could go on for awhile, but you must PERSEVERE. After awhile she will learn she is getting nowhere.

Consistency baby consistency! I know you can do it. You just have to be willing to suffer a bit to get it done. You are the parent! She is not in charge! No relenting! None! Now go into battle and prosper...oh and tell us how it goes. This could take awhile, but you are tough!

Dcforbreakfast out.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

I think it would be nice if peole tried to give constructive criticism here. I know that these are boards for people's opinions and everyone is entitled to their own opinion BUT the OP (and several others including myself) are looking for help. I think everyone who is in this position would agree that we all wish we had never let our kids sleep in our rooms even for one night BUT since we can't go back in time and have a "do over", let's try to share things that have worked (for instance the BGBF...which I think I may try!)

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Tnkrbelle, here is my advice and I'm a hardcore mommy who never gives in. Never! I know, I'm mean! (I will admit sometimes I say no when I wish I would have said yes, but it's too late, I've already said no, so I stick with it, minimizes whining for things big time b/c he knows I won't change my mind)

How much effort are you willing to put in to correct this? This is a battle of wills! You must battle! It's the only way. No more bribes, no more sticker charts! Have what I like to call a "come to Jesus" talk with her.

"Listen, Susie, I know you like sleeping in Mommy's bed sometimes, but it is over. You are a big girl and you are going to sleep in your own room. If you would like a radio with some music, or a night light that's fine, but you are not coming in my room. Do not bother to try to come in my room tonight. If you do you are going right back into your room. There will be no more Disney money, no more stickers. This is it. I love you and I want you to be a big girl and big girls enjoy their own rooms. Sleeping with Mommy is for babies."

Ok, now you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH, REGARDLESS OF HOW FRUSTRATED OR TIRED YOU ARE. She comes in your room, you walk her back to hers. She comes in again, you walk her back to hers. This could go on for awhile, but you must PERSEVERE. After awhile she will learn she is getting nowhere.

Consistency baby consistency! I know you can do it. You just have to be willing to suffer a bit to get it done. You are the parent! She is not in charge! No relenting! None! Now go into battle and prosper...oh and tell us how it goes. This could take awhile, but you are tough!

Dcforbreakfast out.

Oh I know that I can do this...I just have to be willing to suffer a little for it I just know that there are going to be long nights ahead for me and I keep flashing back to all those long nights I had with her as an infant! If I could go back and have my "do over" I would have trained her to sleep better in the first place. I went back to work when she was 3 months old and was so guilty over leaving her at day care everyday that I used to rock her to sleep every night. Well that got me a kid who couldn't fall asleep without being held. Even now, at 3, we have to "cuddle" before she can fall asleep. If not, she'll go to her room and lay down but won't sleep. (She was 2 1/2 before she slept thru the night!!!!) I tried the Ferber method on countless occassions and it worked briefly and then she would start sleeping poorly again. So that's my first (and biggest) mistake as a mom. I think that behavior has led to this behavior. Bottom line, I guess I have to try and suck it up and go for a couple of nights without sleep

 

[dcforbreakfast]

So that's my first (and biggest) mistake as a mom. I think that behavior has led to this behavior. Bottom line, I guess I have to try and suck it up and go for a couple of nights without sleep

Listen babes, if this is the biggest mistake of your motherhood you're in great shape!!!!! You're going to do this! Think of all the other new mommies who can learn from you.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Listen babes, if this is the biggest mistake of your motherhood you're in great shape!!!!! You're going to do this! Think of all the other new mommies who can learn from you.

It truly is...I tell every new mother I know to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER hold their baby until it falls asleep. I pray they learn from my mistake I wish I had a "me" around to tell me not to do that 4 years ago!!! Thanks for the support. When you have a DH who works nights, you feel like a single parent in these battles

 

[dcforbreakfast]

It truly is...I tell every new mother I know to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER hold their baby until it falls asleep. I pray they learn from my mistake I wish I had a "me" around to tell me not to do that 4 years ago!!! Thanks for the support. When you have a DH who works nights, you feel like a single parent in these battles

I actually was a single parent for three years of my five year old's life, so I totally know where you are coming from. I had to resist letting him sleep in my bed (because I wanted the company, someone to cuddle). It was difficult but I knew it would not be good for him and that I had to make sure I didn't turn him into my little companion instead of him being my child. You know what I mean?

I'm now extremely happily remarried (it can happen single moms!) and there are times my husband is out of town and my son knows for a treat he can sleep with me. It's fun for both of us, but it's not a habit.. It's a treat.

Unfortunately, married or not, you'll see a lot of things fall on the Mommy to handle. That's just the way it is (but most of us wouldn't have it any other way, we're obsessive like that.)

Yes, best advice I ever got was don't start something with a baby that you don't plan to be doing five years from now and boy were they right judging by the things I hear from other parents. It's cute rocking a six month old, not so much a six year old.

 

[jjenniboo]

My DD4 always starts in her own room. She is allowed one movie or CD and needs to fall asleep before it ends. If she doesn't she is supposed to turn it off and go to sleep without it. Works most of the time . Every once in a while she just isn't as tired and watches two. But, she always wakes up and comes into the bed with us. I know people will disagree but I guess I just don't think it's a big deal if she sleeps part of the night with us. I'm sure this would be different if I had more then one but before I know it my baby will think she's too old for us .

 

[jjenniboo]

You shouldn't have let her sleep with you in the first place. I have a friend who has an eight year old that still sleeps with her and her Dh. How ridiculous!! My DD2 has never slept one day in our bed. She has her own bed and she likes it that way. Someone gave me this wise advice when I first had my DD "Be the Parent" - I suggest you take the advice too.

I think that's a little harsh. I'm sure you parent in some ways that someone else might not agree with. And, she asked for suggestions not opinions. My husband was born and raised in Vietnam where it's very common for young children to sleep with the parents. After a while they all just grew out of it.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

All 3 of my kids coslept with us from day 1. The older 2 are in their own beds happily and have been for years. The youngest (age 2) is still with us, but to be fair we've only had him 2 months. He's from Ethiopia and came from a home where 6 shared one room, and he's coslept his whole life. I'm not about to stop that for him now with all the change he's already had.

What worked to transition our kids was consistency. Our dd was ready to go and went at around 1 year. Our older ds was more reluctant but we felt ready because he would work his way down to our feet at night and sleep in his own space most the night and just snuggle up to us in the morning hours. I think that his reluctance was in part due to me. I was told when he was born that I wouldn't be able to have more children, and so he was my baby (before we decided to adopt anyways) and I wanted him to be there. I think its important to recognize how you might be unconciously contributing to this situation. Anyways, what we did with both kids was establish a firm nighttime routine. For dd it was singing a lullabye to her, turning on her music and saying goodnight to all the Princesses (her room was decorated with pictures of them). For ds it was saying a prayer, reading a story, and giving him 3 specific kisses (each eye and the tip of his nose). It was the same every night and it was comforting to them. We did not bribe or cajole, we just did the routine and if dd cried we'd walk just barely into her room and sing the lullabye and she'd settle down instantly and we'd leave. With ds we'd walk in and give him his 3 kisses again and come back out. If they came to our room we've give them a snuggle and silently put them back in their beds. We did everything firmly, without fail and lovingly. DD was fine almost immediately. Ds we would find in our bed in the morning for about the first month. I stay up insanely late, and so I know he wasn't coming in until about 4 or 5 am. We were fine with this (enjoyed snuggling with him in the mornings actually), but he stopped on his own. Both kids still come in when they are sick or have a nightmare (this has happened maybe 3 times in the past year). And both sleep really well (and love to sleep in, praise the Lord!).

I would sugest trying to figure out a bedtime routine that is comforting to her and sticking to it. One friend who also successfully transferred all their cosleeping kids used to "load up" their kids hands with kisses and so whenever the child wanted mommy throughout the night they could just put their hand to their cheek, and get a mommy kiss. Another would play a silly game guessing which wild dream the kid was going to have that night. She would make up outlandish, silly fun dreams as the bedtime story and by the time she was done the kid was practically pushing her out of the room so she could get started on that dream. Its all about providing that good reinforcement (by giving them positive attention) for doing what you want them to do. Kids who are testing (which is pretty much any 3yo) will seek out any attention, both negative and positive. So do not be negative when your child comes into your room, just be matter of fact and get them back to their room quickly and quietly.

You didn't ruin your kid by cosleeping with her. Its really not about where your kid went to sleep as a baby (I have just as many friends who have issues with their older kids sleep situation who put their kids in the crib from day 1, as those who coslept). Its about consistency and boundary setting. A parent whose cosleeping kid is having issues with bedtime, would have those issues had they never coslept, they might manifest themselves differently, but they would be there. I'm going for my MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist license) right now and what keeps getting reinforced is that no specific parenting technique is "right" for every kid (or parent!!) but in whatever you chose to do, do it loving, consistently, with compassion and ALWAYS so that they know exactly who is in charge, and then you should get good results.

 

[portia9]

All 3 of my kids coslept with us from day 1. The older 2 are in their own beds happily and have been for years. The youngest (age 2) is still with us, but to be fair we've only had him 2 months. He's from Ethiopia and came from a home where 6 shared one room, and he's coslept his whole life. I'm not about to stop that for him now with all the change he's already had.

What worked to transition our kids was consistency. Our dd was ready to go and went at around 1 year. Our older ds was more reluctant but we felt ready because he would work his way down to our feet at night and sleep in his own space most the night and just snuggle up to us in the morning hours. I think that his reluctance was in part due to me. I was told when he was born that I wouldn't be able to have more children, and so he was my baby (before we decided to adopt anyways) and I wanted him to be there. I think its important to recognize how you might be unconciously contributing to this situation. Anyways, what we did with both kids was establish a firm nighttime routine. For dd it was singing a lullabye to her, turning on her music and saying goodnight to all the Princesses (her room was decorated with pictures of them). For ds it was saying a prayer, reading a story, and giving him 3 specific kisses (each eye and the tip of his nose). It was the same every night and it was comforting to them. We did not bribe or cajole, we just did the routine and if dd cried we'd walk just barely into her room and sing the lullabye and she'd settle down instantly and we'd leave. With ds we'd walk in and give him his 3 kisses again and come back out. If they came to our room we've give them a snuggle and silently put them back in their beds. We did everything firmly, without fail and lovingly. DD was fine almost immediately. Ds we would find in our bed in the morning for about the first month. I stay up insanely late, and so I know he wasn't coming in until about 4 or 5 am. We were fine with this (enjoyed snuggling with him in the mornings actually), but he stopped on his own. Both kids still come in when they are sick or have a nightmare (this has happened maybe 3 times in the past year). And both sleep really well (and love to sleep in, praise the Lord!).

I would sugest trying to figure out a bedtime routine that is comforting to her and sticking to it. One friend who also successfully transferred all their cosleeping kids used to "load up" their kids hands with kisses and so whenever the child wanted mommy throughout the night they could just put their hand to their cheek, and get a mommy kiss. Another would play a silly game guessing which wild dream the kid was going to have that night. She would make up outlandish, silly fun dreams as the bedtime story and by the time she was done the kid was practically pushing her out of the room so she could get started on that dream. Its all about providing that good reinforcement (by giving them positive attention) for doing what you want them to do. Kids who are testing (which is pretty much any 3yo) will seek out any attention, both negative and positive. So do not be negative when your child comes into your room, just be matter of fact and get them back to their room quickly and quietly.

You didn't ruin your kid by cosleeping with her. Its really not about where your kid went to sleep as a baby (I have just as many friends who have issues with their older kids sleep situation who put their kids in the crib from day 1, as those who coslept). Its about consistency and boundary setting. A parent whose cosleeping kid is having issues with bedtime, would have those issues had they never coslept, they might manifest themselves differently, but they would be there. I'm going for my MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist license) right now and what keeps getting reinforced is that no specific parenting technique is "right" for every kid (or parent!!) but in whatever you chose to do, do it loving, consistently, with compassion and ALWAYS so that they know exactly who is in charge, and then you should get good results.

What a wonderful and compassionate person you sound like. This is all wonderful advice.

I also wanted to add that I coslept with my daughter for 10 months-I did end up using the Ferber method at that time but I do not regret for a second that I coslept with her. I have so many wonderful memories of her curled up in my arms sleeping-she is my youngest child and is my only daughter after I had three boys and unless you have co slept with a child you probably will never understand how wonderful co sleeping can be-despite the negatives and drawbacks that can occur.

Yvette

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Unfortunately, married or not, you'll see a lot of things fall on the Mommy to handle. That's just the way it is (but most of us wouldn't have it any other way, we're obsessive like that.)QUOTE]

Isn't that true

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Hi gang -- Beth E. (NJ), Families board moderator here! Can we please try to keep this thread on topic and not about BF or other topics. Also, if you don't agree with another poster sometimes it is better to go to another thread than respond.


To the OP -- I hope some of the tips on these pages help you out. My older one went through a phase when she was about 2 where she would get scared and come into our room. Before that she slept fine in her own bed. The problem was that she didn't keep still in her sleep. She rolled and even turned sideways. She ended up taking up all the room and DH and I were at opposite edges of the bed. We finally told her she could come in but not sleep in our bed. So whenever she got scared dh would take her toddler mattress from her bed and put it on our floor for her. The problem was that it was happening very often and it was disruptive. The teacher at mommy and me told us that she had sleeping bags for her kids that they would use, but they had to bring them in themselves. But come on -- she was a tiny 2 year old.

Finally, DH's cousin told us we had to use tough love. She could come in, but she couldn't have her bed. she had to sleep on the floor. I struggled, but in all reality we had new, really soft carpeting. The cousin said that if we made it too nice for her she wouldn't want to sleep in her own room. So she came in and slept on the floor (with a blanket.) That happened for a couple of nights and then she started moving towards our door. the next night she slept at the door and then in the hallway (which was ok -- we kept the gate at the top of the stairs closed.) After that she actually slept on her own floor and then finally back in her bed.