How to get a child to sleep ALONE!!

[workinmomof2]

My oldest DS slept in his own bed from 6 weeks until a little over 2. He would sleep through the entire night. Change came during potty training. We would wake him up before we went to bed to get him to go to the bathroom, otherwise, he would wet the bed. Potty training went well, however, it killed his great sleeping pattern and he hasn't returned to it since. He will go to bed fine and fall asleep, but once he wakes up, he has to sleep in our bed. I have been having talks with him and he has more than once stated because we have a softer mattress. I am going to have to bite the bullet and get him a softer mattress. I am hoping it will work.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Zoemurr, my son uses a CD player too. He loves it. We used it when he was little to nap too (Frank Sinatra!). It was his cue that it's time to sleep and he loves it. Now he still listens to Frank, but also Bon Jovi (due to their American Idol appearance!) and Corbin Bleu. He also likes a night light.

 

[WDWorBUST]

This is such a wonderful place to get such diverse opinions and help. I really appreciate all the input. One question for the poster about the Big Girl Bed Fairy - did she ever forget? And how did she keep from getting caught?

 

[dcforbreakfast]

At 3 she's old enough to understand how to manipulate you. I'd set up a nice night time routine(ask for her input) and put her to bed in her room and then leave. If she gets up calmly take her back to bed. If she screams and cries let her - once she figures out it's not going to get you to come in and sleep with her she'll stop.

I do have to add that my DD7 went through this around the same age although she had always been in her own room. I gave her a shirt of mine and one of DH's. She still has them on her bed and occasionally sleeps with them on. And yes, there were night she came into our bed. If she woke me doing so I'd bring her back to her own room. On occasion DH and I were so exhausted we didn't notice until we woke in the morning with a little foot in our back.

You'll have in rough for a few days but she'll adjust quickly if given the chance.

Good point CED. I always remember the parenting mantra, "The moment you give in, is the moment you're rewarding the behavoir." So if they're acting like a spaz and you start coddling, you are saying, if you act like a spaz, I'll hug you. If they're screaming and throwing a fit in their bed, run out of steam and calm down, then you go in, you're saying once you calm down I will come in and see you. Works with everything!!! Consistency takes sooo much more work, but its truly the only thing kids understand and I've never regretted it. Parenting is a battle of wills!

 

[dcforbreakfast]

My oldest DS slept in his own bed from 6 weeks until a little over 2. He would sleep through the entire night. Change came during potty training. We would wake him up before we went to bed to get him to go to the bathroom, otherwise, he would wet the bed. Potty training went well, however, it killed his great sleeping pattern and he hasn't returned to it since. He will go to bed fine and fall asleep, but once he wakes up, he has to sleep in our bed. I have been having talks with him and he has more than once stated because we have a softer mattress. I am going to have to bite the bullet and get him a softer mattress. I am hoping it will work.

It ain't the mattress!!! He's got you good! Kids are so smart, I just love it. If it was the mattress he wouldn't want to go to bed in the first place. Just buy him one of those foamy cover things for 20 bucks and say there, problem solved! Off to your own bed. My husband always needs to call me out when my kid is outsmarting me.

 

[Merriwind]

This is such a wonderful place to get such diverse opinions and help. I really appreciate all the input. One question for the poster about the Big Girl Bed Fairy - did she ever forget? And how did she keep from getting caught?

You know, I thought DD had totally forgotten about the BGBF. She didn't mention her for years. She just mentioned her within the last few weeks. She wanted to know why when the BGBF brought candy, it was always candy I like too. I told her because the BGBF knew she would want to share sometimes. (Of course, it's because if I'm going to have candy in the house, it's candy that I will eat! ) She's 9 now (and a half, she would happily tell you), so I'm not so worried about her figuring it out. Transitioning from BGBF to tooth fairy really worked well for us. I had picked up a book, maybe at the dollar store, about the tooth fairy. DD got that the night of her first tooth loosing. We read the story, put the tooth in the pouch, under the pillow... In the morning, she had money in the pouch and a letter in her night table drawer from the BGBF.

I never did get caught. Once DD is asleep, she's pretty sound. At least once, we fell asleep or forgot to do BGBF. That required creativity. Usually DH would palm a quarter off his nighttable and we'd "find" it dropped on the floor near DD's nighttable. A couple of naptimes, she started stirring when I was in there, but I always had time to make it to the door. You'll learn where your floor squeaks, that for sure!

If you go with the BGBF idea, have fun! She is a very fond memory for us.

 

[dfarner]

At 4 years old a child can function independently. Go to school, have friends, go to parties, even sleep at friends houses. A 4 year old gets all their nutrition from food and drink.

What is the purpose of nursing a 4 year old and when does it stop? What if the child never wants to wean? Do you continue to BF at 5, 6 7, how about 8 and 9 years old?

And yea, I did have a friend who still nursed her kid at 4 years old and I'm sorry but its weird. If a kid can raise their mothers shirt and pull their bra away and say, I'm thirsty, they are too old!!!! She lost alot of friends because yea it was freakin' weird to go anywhere with her. why , you say , because its not normal for a 4 year old to BF.

Its obviously not for nutrition, we are not a third world country where mothers rely on breastmilk to keep their children healthy. I'm all for BF'ing but you need to cut the apron strings sometimes.

I agree with all you've said here. It is weird, and no, it is not accepted in this country. Nursing babies is acceptable, nursing small children...ugh! I wonder what the dentist and pediatrician would say in this scenario. Of course I might get flamed for this, but to me it borders on perverse.

 

[allyphoe]

I wonder what the dentist and pediatrician would say in this scenario.

No cavities, beautiful straight teeth, dentist is delighted. Dental problems in preschoolers are usually caused by bad genes, drugs that weaken enamel, sleeping with a bottle of milk / formula / juice ("baby bottle mouth"), pacifier use, and thumbsucking. We lucked out on the first two, and never had the rest.

Pediatrician says "It's obviously working for you; she's doing great!" Other than talking, she's always been ahead on her milestones, and when she was assessed for speech (after failing a preliminary screening), she scored about 6 months ahead of where she should have been. But that's genetics (and temperament, which IMHO is mostly genetics), too.

Preschool teacher says she's a joy to have in class, and has particularly commented on her willingness to share and ability to negotiate compromises with her classmates. That's probably got some parenting component (although IMHO it's still mostly temperament), but it certainly isn't extended-bf specific.

 

[Tikicampers]

I hear so many parents say they do this. Just check out the number of posts on the "attachment parenting" thread. I am trying not to be judgmental however, if you started this, I think you basically have to live with it now. I don't know anyone who's been very successful with turning this around. I hope you have better luck!

I'm surprised you don't know anyone who has been able to get a child out of their bed. DS slept with us on and off for the first three years of his life, and he now sleeps in his own bed just fine. In fact, I would say we have been very successful in turning it around. Every parent I know who has co-slept, has been able to move the child into his or her own bed at some point. There are many reasons people choose (or wind up) co-sleeping. If you had asked me before DS was born, I would have told you that no child of mine would ever share our bed. Then he was born, and it seemed like the right thing to do.

I agree with you to a point, in that of course you can't take a child who is used to co-sleeping and expect them to suddenly start sleeping on their own, and if the parent doesn't really want the child out, it won't work. However, if the parent is ready and uses a consistent and loving approach, a child can transition to his or her own bed.

 

[Tikicampers]

No cavities, beautiful straight teeth, dentist is delighted. Dental problems in preschoolers are usually caused by bad genes, drugs that weaken enamel, sleeping with a bottle of milk / formula / juice ("baby bottle mouth"), pacifier use, and thumbsucking. We lucked out on the first two, and never had the rest.

Pediatrician says "It's obviously working for you; she's doing great!" Other than talking, she's always been ahead on her milestones, and when she was assessed for speech (after failing a preliminary screening), she scored about 6 months ahead of where she should have been. But that's genetics (and temperament, which IMHO is mostly genetics), too.

Preschool teacher says she's a joy to have in class, and has particularly commented on her willingness to share and ability to negotiate compromises with her classmates. That's probably got some parenting component (although IMHO it's still mostly temperament), but it certainly isn't extended-bf specific.

I just wanted to say that I thought this was an excellent post in response to what several others posted. I don't think I would be comfortable nursing one of my kids at 4, but I think if you are willing and your DD still wants to, then it's no big deal. It may not be the norm in this country, but I can think of plenty of norms here that are very damaging to children, and I can also think of plenty of things that should be the norm but aren't.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

No cavities, beautiful straight teeth, dentist is delighted. Dental problems in preschoolers are usually caused by bad genes, drugs that weaken enamel, sleeping with a bottle of milk / formula / juice ("baby bottle mouth"), pacifier use, and thumbsucking. We lucked out on the first two, and never had the rest.

Pediatrician says "It's obviously working for you; she's doing great!" Other than talking, she's always been ahead on her milestones, and when she was assessed for speech (after failing a preliminary screening), she scored about 6 months ahead of where she should have been. But that's genetics (and temperament, which IMHO is mostly genetics), too.

Preschool teacher says she's a joy to have in class, and has particularly commented on her willingness to share and ability to negotiate compromises with her classmates. That's probably got some parenting component (although IMHO it's still mostly temperament), but it certainly isn't extended-bf specific.

Well kids could be cruel, so when your child is still nursing when she hits elementary school. I hope her friends don't find out.

You say you don't care and its accepted. OK if you say so, but being around kids alot, I've seen them teased relentlessly from things they did at a young age, all the way through high school. You always have those few that never forget.

 

[chobie]

Well kids could be cruel, so when your child is still nursing when she hits elementary school. I hope her friends don't find out.

You say you don't care and its accepted. OK if you say so, but being around kids alot, I've seen them teased relentlessly from things they did at a young age, all the way through high school. You always have those few that never forget.

Why don't you worry about your kids and let her worry about hers? I mean your concern for the child's mental state is touching and all, but perhaps your passion for saving children may be better directed at the thousands of children who die every day in this world for poverty rather than a 4 year old who may get teased.

 

[badblackpug]

I always feel bad for parents who are going through this. Please don't get mad at me, but I just don't understand why people start this and then complain when they can't stop it. (I do realize the original poster admits her role in the whole thing)

Why on Earth would they want to sleep alone after having Mommy or Mommy and Daddy in bed with them? I wouldn't!

I hear so many parents say they do this. Just check out the number of posts on the "attachment parenting" thread. I am trying not to be judgmental however, if you started this, I think you basically have to live with it now. I don't know anyone who's been very successful with turning this around. I hope you have better luck!

Question to those of you who have your kids in bed with you....how do you have a relationship, if you know what I mean, with your husband in this situation? How do you guys have any time to yourselves?

Again, I'm not dissing your parenting method, seriously to each his own. But I do think if you start this, it's not fair to make the child deal with all of a sudden it's not ok anymore.

My son has always slept alone in his room and when he was a baby I made sure I put him to sleep awake so he could learn how to put himself to sleep. I never regretted it!

We have *never had issues with sleep/going to bed/naps. He never gets out of bed or gives me grief about going to sleep. In fact, sometimes he tells us he wants to go to bed early!

Yes, there are times when I let him sleep with me, but it's rare and it's a treat and he knows it. I admit it must be tempting for parents, it's so fun snuggling with them. But I personally think they'll be more independent if they sleep alone, and for me, I want my kids to be independent.

Let the angry responses begin!

I have to agree with this. I have never known anyone who had an easy time transitioning kids into their own beds. I have a friend with a 10 year old still in her bed!

I think children need to learn boundries and need to learn that it is not "all about them."

This may sound selfish, but I like my own space, I like to have my privacy. I like to be able to do adult things in adult places without worrying the kids will walk in or pound on the door.

I think the easiest way to avoid this situation is to not start it. To stop it you have to be consistant. Let them know that they must sleep in their own beds and keep putting them back in it.

 

[allyphoe]

Well kids could be cruel, so when your child is still nursing when she hits elementary school. I hope her friends don't find out.

LOL. Without going into too many personally-identifying details, there are plenty of more-obvious things for her to be teased about, none of which either are within her control or can be outgrown. Besides which, I've never seen a kid who wanted to be mean who had any difficulty finding something to be mean about.

There's not a way for any of us to protect our kids from the world. The best we can hope to do is give them the tools they need to be strong in themselves.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

There's not a way for any of us to protect our kids from the world. The best we can hope to do is give them the tools they need to be strong in themselves.

I totally agree with this statement, but funny you say this because to me, BF'ing a 4 yo is not helping a child be strong and independent in themselves, it is teaching them I need to be dependent on mom. She is depending on you for comfort through BF'ing, because she obviously doesn't need it for nutrition.

I'm not going to argue anymore this is nuts. You're going to do with your DD, whatever you want. And no matter what anyone says, least of all a stranger on a Disney message board is going to change your mind.

I just wonder where does this all stop? There was a woman on a news show BF'ing her child , what was she in middle school I believe, most on here thought that was child abuse.

Sorry, BF'ing a baby, even a young toddler is one thing. When a child is independent and able to function on their own, with their own activities, friends, etc, I don't see how BF'ing is beneficial anymore. The strings need to be cut sometime.

 

[northriver]

I will first appologize that I did not have time to read all the posts. My youngest child does not sleep well, and she does not sleep often. It has been a struggle since birth! I've read lots of books on babies sleep issues and I highly recommend Good Night Sleep Tight by Kim West: http://www.amazon.com/Good-Night-Sl...1169417?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1185679349&sr=8-1

I'll admit my little one does still climb in bed with me some nights and I'm too tired to get her back in her own bed, but most nights she sleeps through the night, alone in her bed! I owe that to the advice from Kim West.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I know this is serious and I am not trying to make light of it at all . BUT I went through this same thing with my son . When I remarried he was 10 and I told him that he couldnt sleep with me anymore. He had always tried to sleep in my bed or he would sleep in his sisters room alone on the floor next to her bed LOL
He got better about it but guess who was found sleeping accross my feet just 3 days ago at almost 19 yr old ? MY SON LOL He said he didnt feel like he was well and may need me

 

[allyphoe]

I totally agree with this statement, but funny you say this

Ah, we're just giving our kids different tools, or the same tools in different ways. (I'd bet a shiny new nickel that most 4yos look to their parents for comfort in some form or another, for instance.) In the end, there's a pretty good chance that they'll all hate us as teenagers and eventually become productive members of society, regardless.

I'm sorry if I've contributed to this feeling like an argument. That certainly wasn't my intention.

 

[graygables]

My 8yo has had sleep issues from day 1. I tried EVERYTHING from letting her "cry it out" (she NEVER stopped and 3 nights of 8 hours of shrieking keeping the other 5 people in the house awake was NOT cutting it) to benadryl (prescribed, of course). Nothing worked. NOTHING. I became quite adept at rocking her to sleep and sensing when she was at the perfect moment to lie down. One moment too soon and she was bright eyed and bushy tailed again. (side note: the child quit daytime naps at 4 months and can often go full-throttle with 3-4 hours sleep) This worked fine until she outgrew her crib. Once that happened, she would climb over the safety gate and into our bed. We tried the doorknob protector so she couldn't open her door, but she would scream and shriek for HOURS. We caved. Sorry for all the tough-it-out parents out there, but we HAD to get some rest. She'd start out in her bed, but wind up in ours. We finally did a remodel of her bedroom and still, she was in our bed.

We were sent to a neurologist (for other issues) and she gave me a "prescription" for getting DD to stay in her bed. I was to sleep on DD's floor each night for a week. After the first week, I was to get up after DD had gone to sleep and go to my room. If DD came into my room, I was to take her back to her bed, stay on the floor until she fell asleep again. After a week of that, I was to lie on her floor for 15 minutes, get up, go do something for 15 minutes, then return to DD's room, repeating until she was asleep. After that, it was 5 minutes and so on. I paid for 20 minutes of neurologist time for this little "prescription". News Flash: I'm 42 years old, I'm NOT sleeping on anybody's floor!

We got to where I would sit on the sofa and watch TV and DD would "cuddle". Once she fell asleep, I went to bed and she would stay on the couch. Progress. After a few weeks of that, I tucked her in her room and let her watch a movie (TV on a timer). About every other night, she'd come upstairs and do the sofa thing again, but some nights she'd fall asleep (and stay in her own bed) watching a movie. This year, for the first time, she actually stays in her own bed. She does watch a movie every night (usually Care Bears or something Disney), but the timer switches it off after 90 minutes. I don't care what the "experts" say, if that is what MY child needs to sleep, then so be it.

I firmly believe that some children simply have a higher sensitivity level and it shows up at night. There is a maturity that must be reached before they can handle all of the overwhelming feelings that crop up at bedtime and some reach it later than others.

 

[badblackpug]

The point, I, and maybe some others, were trying to make is that if you don't forsee letting your child sleep in your bed for years, don't start it. My kids never slept in our bed. Not as infants, not when they were sick, or scared, or whatever. It has never occurred to them to sleep in it. They will come in the room and wake someone up if they are sick or scared. (or have wet the bed ) but they do not ask, and do not expect to sleep in our bed. It is just not something they have ever done. If they sleep in their own crib from day 1, it just seems natural to them.