How to get a child to sleep ALONE!!

[CEDmom]

At 3 she's old enough to understand how to manipulate you. I'd set up a nice night time routine(ask for her input) and put her to bed in her room and then leave. If she gets up calmly take her back to bed. If she screams and cries let her - once she figures out it's not going to get you to come in and sleep with her she'll stop.

I do have to add that my DD7 went through this around the same age although she had always been in her own room. I gave her a shirt of mine and one of DH's. She still has them on her bed and occasionally sleeps with them on. And yes, there were night she came into our bed. If she woke me doing so I'd bring her back to her own room. On occasion DH and I were so exhausted we didn't notice until we woke in the morning with a little foot in our back.

You'll have in rough for a few days but she'll adjust quickly if given the chance.

 

[PEANUT1]

In general, I try to decide if it's more important to me that DD stop something than it is to her to continue. So she's still nursing at 4, even though I'd rather she not be, because it's very very important to her and a minor annoyance to me. in.

i am trying very hard not to say something judgemental but this may cause SERIOUS attatchment issues (on both your parts). wow....if this isn't a road to off topic discussion...what is? i am not against nursing..i did it for both daughters an am still nursing my almsot 10 month old.

sorry...but i could not ignore this.

 

[bumbershoot]

i am trying very hard not to say something judgemental but this may cause SERIOUS attatchment issues (on both your parts). wow....if this isn't a road to off topic discussion...what is? i am not against nursing..i did it for both daughters an am still nursing my almsot 10 month old.

sorry...but i could not ignore this.

Nursing until a child is ready to stop will not cause attachment issues. You can't force a child to continue to nurse when they are ready to stop. You CAN force a child to STOP before they are ready...that can cause abandonment issues.

Our culture is one of the few where nursing a very short amount of time is the norm...and our culture is pretty messed up, in general!





To the OP...why, exactly, do you want to stop having a family bed? I'm reading more "I don't want to stop"s than "I want to stop". Is your family giving you a hard time? Do you simply THINK it should stop? Because you really don't sound like it's a problem, just that you think you should stop....

Family bed is the way umpteen countries do things...you're not alone in having a family bed when you look at the world rather than North America.


My immediately family (and maybe more, I don't know for sure) are die-hard family bed people. And we're all close, but not overly close (we CAN go a long time without talking, but we really enjoy talking and visiting when we can), we all love each other and like each other. My full brother and I got less family bed time than our half-sibs, b/c my dad was weird about it when we were around and after he and my mom divorced (and then a few years later there was a stepdad so I was never allowed in with my mom after that, of course)...but after he remarried and had a second family, they created a family bed and were very happy with it. I remember at one point they had a queen and a full pushed together, it took nearly the whole room, for their family of 5.

Their kids have no problems sleeping alone now that they are older...though they did enjoy sleeping int he living room rather than their beds...luckily that was NO problem with my dad and stepmom...and in fact it saved the life of one of my brothers, when a HUGE redwood limb crashed through his bedroom ceiling onto his bed in the middle of the night. Not that that's a reason to sleep in the living room, but if his parents had been dictatorial and didn't allow him to choose where to sleep, he would have been in bed that night and I wouldn't have one of my brothers. (and of course if he had chosen to sleep there that would have been the result...it's just one of those wild things that seem miraculous in retrospect...similar weird coincidence happened for acquaintances on a long cartrip...husband refused to stop so wife could nurse the baby, wife couldn't take it anymore and took baby out of carseat, got into an accident, the carseat was thrown OUT of the van and smashed, but wife was able to hold onto baby and the three of them were fine, but if she hadn't taken baby out right then, baby wouldn't have been fine at all....NOT a reason to do something, just a weird happening)



But really, if YOU don't want to have a family bed anymore, than work to stop it. But if it's for external reasons...imagine if no one were around to criticize you and no one were around to judge you and it was only up to your family...figure out what YOU would do, and just do that.


To the person who wondered about "relations", there are more places in a normal house than a bed! Beds are boring.

 

[WDWorBUST]

You know - it really is all about getting a good night's sleep. We have a queen size bed and we just don't all fit anymore. I love having her in bed with us - but it's gotten to the point that none of us sleep decent in one bed (especially DH). I am actually getting no pressure from anyone externally - except maybe DH, I think he'd like to have me back too - so that really isn't the issue. But you are right....if we could get some decent sleep I really wouldn't feel like she had to be in her own bed. But me sleeping in her bed isn't really working anymore either.

 

[PEANUT1]

Nursing until a child is ready to stop will not cause attachment issues. You can't force a child to continue to nurse when they are ready to stop. You CAN force a child to STOP before they are ready...that can cause abandonment issues.

Our culture is one of the few where nursing a very short amount of time is the norm...and our culture is pretty messed up, in general!

To the person who wondered about "relations", there are more places in a normal house than a bed! Beds are boring.

to the first point.....everyone is entitled to their opinion of course. there are definitely strong opinions on this. i do not think that there are many cultures where breast feeding a child to the age of 4 is considered the norm. I agree that our country is not the norm either. Breast feeding is very taboo to some people.

to the second point...touche


i think that if you can't get a good night sleep while co sleeping...it is not for you.

 

[reginaastralis]

I think this is all about what you are capable of doing. My daughter is two and sleeps with me, this is something we both like. She has slept with me pretty much since birth, b/c we lived at my parents and in the same room. My parents told me to let her "cry it out" which is a lot easier said than done when the baby isn't in the same room as you, looking right at you. Now, I don't want to sleep with her forever, and honestly have never heard of anyone bringing their mother to college with them to cuddle.

Did you have to take away the binkie? If so, you've got a foot in the right direction already, with the putting your foot down and meaning it. Taking away Julie's bink was the HARDEST thing I've ever done, not b/c she needed it. B/c it was my crutch. I know that Julie can and will sleep on her own, however it's easier to cuddle with her and sleep together. It's the same as the bink, I knew she could and would sleep without it, however it was easier for me to just pop it in and have her quiet.

I do agree with Super Nanny's way with bedtime. In the next couple of months, this is what we are going to be doing. My daughter is very independent, so sleeping with mom is starting to wear on her. She wants to sleep in a princess bed, with her princess blankie. I'm sure the first couple of days will be hard, but if we can get rid of the binkie, we can do anything.

 

[merrywether]

It is difficult and as previous posters have said, the only way to stop it is to convince yourself that it's the right thing to do and then follow through. You need your husband's help though. He can support you in this!

I was allowing DS to start off sleeping in our room, then we'd all fall asleep and I'd wake up around midnight, 1 am, 2 am.... and notice he was still there and I'd put him in his bed. It was my husband who finally said enough was enough. I didn't want to rock the boat. We started a new routine where my husband read him a book in his bed, I came in and prayed with him and sang some lullabies, and then we gave kisses and hugs and closed the door. There was LOTS of crying and whining (for both me and my son!!!!) but my husband was there to hold me and tell me that this was the right thing to do. After about 4 nights, the spell was broken and my son has been in his own bed since (about a year now). I could NOT have managed this well without my husband's help. I needed someone to be strong for me!

Just my 2 cents!

 

[CEDmom]

As far as starting and not being able to stop, my stock joke-response to that is: "I know, isn't it terrible! This last kid, I made a big mistake. Carried her everywhere with me for 9 months, fed her constantly, slept with her, gave her everything she wanted, whether it was convenient for me or not. And then when she was born, she expected that same treatment! Let me tell you, I won't make that mistake again - the next one is going to be walking on its own feet, getting its own meals, and sleeping in its own room from conception."

In general, I try to decide if it's more important to me that DD stop something than it is to her to continue. So she's still nursing at 4, even though I'd rather she not be, because it's very very important to her and a minor annoyance to me. Being in my bed all night (feet in one person's ribs, head in the other) was more annoying to me than it was important to her, so she sleeps in her own bed. We didn't really have a transition problem, and no one lies down with her to get her to fall asleep. Some nights, she says its time for her to go to sleep before I say it.

IME, we had plenty of time to ourselves, including time for, um, couple-activities. We go to bed late, and have plenty of room in the house other than the bed the kid is asleep in.

I won't touch the issue of a child nursing at age 4 but at some point every child needs to face the reality that the world does not revolve around them. It's a parents job to gently guide them to this understanding rather than have it slap them in the face.

 

[allyphoe]

at some point every child needs to face the reality that the world does not revolve around them. It's a parents job to gently guide them to this understanding rather than have it slap them in the face.

I couldn't agree more. I've been very fortunate to have a DD who generally takes that news well; having subbed at her preschool, I've seen that's not true of every child.

 

[CampbellScot]

we have never had this problem.. (when my son used to come in our room he had to sleep on the floor) but something that works well for us is a CD player. When my kids go to bed they listen to a story or music. It's a nice distraction. When they wake up in the middle of the night they put it back on, instead of yelling for me. They are 6/8 but we have been doing this for years. Sometimes I hear the Wiggles at 4am, but that's ok with me. You can also give her an old shirt of yours to sleep with. I might also bribe her and make a chart, so after 5 nights alone she can go to the Dollar Tree or something.

I'm sure a lot of it is that she is feeling your anxiety.

Good luck!

We CD's too. Ours get up and will put them back on if they wake up...well my stepdaughter wakes up sometimes anyhow. My step son sleeps like a rock. But the music helps.

The way you stop it is to never start it. The child is not in charge, the parent is. If they get up, you put them back to bed without a word. They'll figure it out eventually, but they do need to test to make sure you REALLY mean it. You do.

Good Luck OP! It sounds like you are ready. She'll be fine. Really. She will. She'll follow your lead.

 

[CampbellScot]

I won't touch the issue of a child nursing at age 4 but at some point every child needs to face the reality that the world does not revolve around them. It's a parents job to gently guide them to this understanding rather than have it slap them in the face.

OH my gosh, AMEN AMEN AMEN to that!!!!

 

[Merriwind]

I haven't read all the responses, but here is a post I wrote months ago on a similar question... Good luck--I totally feel your pain!

DD9 did not sleep more than 2 hours at a time for the first 11 months of her life. Then, just at her 2nd birthday, she had some medical issues that were probably traumatic to her and she stopped sleeping again. She had night terrors if left by herself, but would sleep with one of us happily. For a long time, DH slept in the guest room and DD slept with me. At some point that year, I decided to start rewarding her when she would sleep in her bed--and the Big Girl Bed Fairy was born.

It started with naps (she was much better about sleeping alone during the day). In her nighttable drawer, the BGBF would bring a little treat--a few jellybeans, a temporary tattoo, stick-on earrings, some dollar store trinket, a coin, etc. Somehow we let the idea that a big present would be waiting after her first whole night sleeping in her bed. That took a little bit, but when she slept through the night, a wrapped present and a congratulatory letter was waiting from the BGBF. After that, everytime DD woke up, we would hear her night table drawer open. In the afternoons, she would often get candy and would come out of her room chewing happily. In the mornings, she would run into our room to show us what the BGBF had brought her.

Retiring the BGBF was tough. We waited until DD lost her first tooth at age 5. The BGBF left her last gift that night with another note, telling DD that her good friend the Tooth Fairy was now taking over for her and she was moving on to help other little girls sleep in their big girl beds. DD accepted that happily and has really never mentioned the BGBF again.

It was lots of fun and I have very fond memories of the Big Girl Bed Fairy. I'm not usually a big fan of bribery, but at not quite 3, DD just wasn't old enough to reason with on this issue and I needed a motivator that was stronger than her fear of being alone. Greed did it.

Good luck. I always say that DD's first 11 months aged me 11 years. I feel your pain. Whatever works is the way to go--it is something she will outgrow when she's ready.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I always feel bad for parents who are going through this. Please don't get mad at me, but I just don't understand why people start this and then complain when they can't stop it. (I do realize the original poster admits her role in the whole thing)

Why on Earth would they want to sleep alone after having Mommy or Mommy and Daddy in bed with them? I wouldn't!

I hear so many parents say they do this. Just check out the number of posts on the "attachment parenting" thread. I am trying not to be judgmental however, if you started this, I think you basically have to live with it now. I don't know anyone who's been very successful with turning this around. I hope you have better luck!

Question to those of you who have your kids in bed with you....how do you have a relationship, if you know what I mean, with your husband in this situation? How do you guys have any time to yourselves?

Again, I'm not dissing your parenting method, seriously to each his own. But I do think if you start this, it's not fair to make the child deal with all of a sudden it's not ok anymore.

My son has always slept alone in his room and when he was a baby I made sure I put him to sleep awake so he could learn how to put himself to sleep. I never regretted it!

We have *never had issues with sleep/going to bed/naps. He never gets out of bed or gives me grief about going to sleep. In fact, sometimes he tells us he wants to go to bed early!

Yes, there are times when I let him sleep with me, but it's rare and it's a treat and he knows it. I admit it must be tempting for parents, it's so fun snuggling with them. But I personally think they'll be more independent if they sleep alone, and for me, I want my kids to be independent.

Let the angry responses begin!

I totally could not agree with you more. DH and I have never let the kids sleep in our beds. If there is a storm or a bad dream, they bring their sleeping bags in and sleep on the floor.

There is no discussion or arguement because they know its not an option to climb into mommy and daddy's bed. When DH is away for work, we sometimes all sleep together but DS and DD know, that is the only occasion and when daddy returns, off to their rooms they go.

If you want to end it, then do it! Be firm and deal with it!

 

[portia9]

I just wanted to say that in my experience kids cope well with things when you are decided in your mind what you are comfortable with. If you are wavering and unsure and worried about it she will pick up on it, but if within yourself you feel comfortable with the decision she will adapt much better. Kids always sense when they have a chance of breaking you

Yvette

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Nursing until a child is ready to stop will not cause attachment issues. You can't force a child to continue to nurse when they are ready to stop. You CAN force a child to STOP before they are ready...that can cause abandonment issues.

Our culture is one of the few where nursing a very short amount of time is the norm...and our culture is pretty messed up, in general!

I shouldn't comment but I am.

First of all 4 years old is anything but a very short period of time. That kid is in school, going to birthday parties, and breastfeeding.

Abandonment issues after 4 years, huh! For who the mom or the kid?
But wait the kid isn't nursing still at 4 years old, isn't it 48 months because then it sounds more acceptable.

 

[portia9]

There is nothing wrong with someone nursing a 4yo. It is not about the mother and her needs, it is a relationship between mother and child.

Yvette

 

[RxforDisney]

One thing that helped me and my DD was to use a baby monitor - the kind with the walkie talkie type parent unit where I can talk back to her. Except we call it a "speaker". I started by sitting by her bed a few minutes, then I would say "Mommy has to go do some cleaning (or whatever) in the other room, when I get in there, I will sing you a song on the speaker, then you need to go to sleep. OK?" At first I did not even mention that we could have a conversation on it. i let her figure that one out on her own, because I knew that might be an issue. We started using it that way when she was about 2 1/2, and she is now 5, and we still have the "speaker". The walkie talkie function doesn't work very well anymore, but it is her "security blanket", so I haven't gotten rid of it. The bonus is that you can hear her better in case of emergency.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

There is nothing wrong with someone nursing a 4yo. It is not about the mother and her needs, it is a relationship between mother and child.

Yvette

Yea ok

 

[portia9]

Yea ok

Have you actually ever known anyone who nursed an older child? Have you asked them about it? I am wondering what your opinion is based on.

Yvette

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Have you actually ever known anyone who nursed an older child? Have you asked them about it? I am wondering what your opinion is based on.

Yvette

At 4 years old a child can function independently. Go to school, have friends, go to parties, even sleep at friends houses. A 4 year old gets all their nutrition from food and drink.

What is the purpose of nursing a 4 year old and when does it stop? What if the child never wants to wean? Do you continue to BF at 5, 6 7, how about 8 and 9 years old?

And yea, I did have a friend who still nursed her kid at 4 years old and I'm sorry but its weird. If a kid can raise their mothers shirt and pull their bra away and say, I'm thirsty, they are too old!!!! She lost alot of friends because yea it was freakin' weird to go anywhere with her. why , you say , because its not normal for a 4 year old to BF.

Its obviously not for nutrition, we are not a third world country where mothers rely on breastmilk to keep their children healthy. I'm all for BF'ing but you need to cut the apron strings sometimes.