How to get a child to sleep ALONE!!

[WDWorBUST]

My dd slept with us from 2 months (when I went back to work) until her 3rd birthday. After that it was to her own bed. However for the last year I have been sleeping with her (okay I'm exaggeration slightly - it's really only been 9 months). I want to sleep in my own bed again. I think we would both sleep better at this point apart. I have been trying. She keeps saying she isn't ready. I keep telling her she is be enough to sleep by herself and that mommy is just on the other side of the wall and all she has to do is call for me and I'll be right there. I have gotten up and went to my bed before and when she wakes up and calls I am right there so it isn't a trust issue I don't think. I even went so far as to try and bribe her - I told hre I would give her a dollar if she slept by herself. You know what she told me - "I don't need any money, you can buy things for me" Argh! I know I created this monster - but how do I uncreate it? Anyone have any suggestions? I really want to sleep in my own bed with my DH again.

 

[thepeach80]

Our kids still sleep w/ us, but AJ has slept on his own a few times before, but always ends up back w/ us for some reason. Oh well. What we do is go to sleep w/ him in his bed and then when he's asleep, I leave. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, I take him back to his room and we lay down till he's asleep and I leave again. It's tiring, but has worked for us. WE haven't pushed it lately b/c I'm still getting up w/ the baby so doing one more thing in the middle of the night is not for me. We're hoping to move at the beginning of the year, so I thought when we moved and they got a new room, we'd do it then.

 

[adoptionmomma4]

My six year old still sleeps with us a lot He does start out in his own bed, but comes in in super stealth mode in the middle of the night. Seriously, we watch him sometimes and he cracks the door and slides in, then hits the floor and crawls over to the bed and waits until we stop moving, then he gently gets in the bed and gets comfy. It is really funny to see. He used to say he was afraid (of the clowns in the closet and Dr. Phil ) Now, he just says he likes to sleep with us!

Anyway.... what is helping us is being very consistent. If he comes into our room I immediately take him back to his. I have had to do this 10 or more times in one night. Now it is usually just one time if he comes in. He is getting a lot better as he gets older. I would say we went from co-sleeping with him every night to 5-6 times a month. We also used to make a chart and he got a sticker for every night he stayed in his bed. When he got 5 stickers he got a new train. That really didnt work for him, but it may for your DD.

Now my two year old is in the bed every night You would have thought I could have learned my lesson with the first one!

I just tell DH one of theses days we will be wishing they were sleeping between us in bed rather then out late at night with friends.

Good luck!

 

[SalandJeff]

When you say you sleep with her, do you go in to bed for the night when she does? I would try easing your way out...tell her that now that she is such a big girl, she can sleep in her bed alone, but you will be there if she needs you and all she has to do is call. Does she want a small light or music in the room for security. Then start by sitting in a chair next to her while she falls asleep. Once she's asleep, leave the room. Do this for a week or two, then slowly start moving the chair further from the bed every couple of days. Use your judgement on timing. If she can get used to this and fall asleep, hopefully you will be out of there in not too long. You will have to be firm (it is so hard isn't it) about her sleeping by herself and consistent. Just some suggestions. Good luck.

 

[Tikicampers]

This is what we did for DS who is 3. I got in his bed and snuggled, read a story, said prayers, etc. Then I said, "Ok, Mommy's got to go get some things done, I'll check on you in a little while." I then left and went into the den or kitchen. If he got out of bed, I'd say "It's bedtime honey." and put him back in bed, but not stay. After the first "escape" I would just say, "It's bedtime," and put him back in bed. I would also go by and peek in on him and if he was still awake I'd tell him I was proud that he was still in bed, and I'd be back.
I also did a sticker chart. Every night he didn't get out of bed, he would get a sticker. When he got three stickers, he got a toy car (the ones from Cars). It took a couple of weeks, and he still complains some about bedtime, but overall he does a good job going to bed.

 

[CruisinEars]

This is such a difficult situation. I have been dealing with it with my 6.5 dd. I don't sleep with her, but she will not sleep alone. So, she sleeps with her brother. At least now I can tuck them in and she goes right to sleep. Before it was a major struggle just to get her to sleep. I am hoping to get her back to her own bed by school. I really don't sweat it too much as long as they both get a good nights sleep. Kids just don't like to be alone and I really can't blame them. They eventually grow out of it and begin to enjoy their own space.

I wish I had some advice for the pp, but nothing I have tried works. I do like Supernanny's technique though.

 

[bumbershoot]

CruisinEars, your avatar is hilarious. Is it a picture of something up here in WA...I swear I've seen it before.



OP...did she have any say in her bed, or how her room is set up? If not, I wonder if you could go "back" and do that (if possible)? Give her choices of what kind of bedframe, what sort of decorations, that sort of thing, so her room is really HERS?

These are just things I've heard...DS is 3 and while sometimes I wish he were elsewhere, when I think of what he could be up to in another room, I think I'll keep him in our room for longer.

And yet, when we go to Ikea, I do point out all of the neat kids' beds they have, and tell him that someday he can have one of those. Though we actually have our eyes and pocketbook on that Cars bed I see at Fisher Price...I feel like he would think that's supercool.

Anyway, perhaps you could get a little bed and just re-start her in your room, but not in your bed? Perhaps a little sleeping bag, or one of those rollout beds I saw a post about on the Dis. Or just a mattress? Then slowly re-start encouraging her to move to her room?

Sounds like you have a little future litigator in your house. My mom expected me to become a lawyer, because I could reason and logic (and twist words around) like she couldn't believe, from when I was 2 years old...

 

[WDWorBUST]

Thanks for all the ideas. I have to admit - I am probably as much of the problem as she is. I don't like her being in her room and not with me. I always worry about her and stupid stuff (well not really stupid but you know) - like what if we were to have a fire, a break-in, etc. If she was with me I could protect her. I have tried the "once your asleep mommy is going to her bed" and she did okay. The problem there was my consistency. I have been consistently working out - but it means me getting up at 4:15 in the morning (Yes, I know an absolutely insane time of the morning). So I haven't been so consistent with her. I have been talking to her about it and she always comes up with "I'm not ready - maybe tomorrow". I think I just need to devise a plan as suggested (either sit with her - or the snuggling and leaving for a while) and tell her what we're doing and stick to it. She really is too smart for her own good at times As far as her room goes - well to start with it's tiny - our whole house is tiny. So we bought her a storage bed. I did just talk to DH about redoing her room for her for her birthday instead of more toys or clothes, etc she doesn't need. We have been remodeling this house for years and when we did that room I wasn't even pregnant yet so I went with yellow and I know she would love pink. I also am wanting to paint her bed...it's currently a natural finish and I have thought about painting & stenciling it wiht flowers, etc. I don't know. I just have to do it - and it IS very hard.

 

[kacaju]

I want to sleep in my own bed again

She keeps saying she isn't ready

I have to admit - I am probably as much of the problem as she is. I don't like her being in her room and not with me.

I have tried the "once your asleep mommy is going to her bed" and she did okay.

The problem there was my consistency

I know I created this monster - but how do I uncreate it?

I don't know. I just have to do it - and it IS very hard.

I think you DO know what to do... YOU are the one who is not ready. How old is she? If I am reading correctly she is 4 or almost 4? YOU are the one who needs to put your foot down and *just do it* and be consistent. Will it be hard? Will YOU have sleepless nights? Will she finally sleep by herself? Yes, yes and yes... but YOU have follow through with telling her that she is to sleep in her own bed and you will be sleeping in your own bed stick with it.

How do go about that is something you need to feel comfortable doing.
I never had this problem, if any of our girls tried sleeping in our bed more then two nights in a row we made them sleep on the floor (with blanets and pillows of course) after a night or two of sleeping on the floor they were always back in their beds!!
Good luck.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

I always feel bad for parents who are going through this. Please don't get mad at me, but I just don't understand why people start this and then complain when they can't stop it. (I do realize the original poster admits her role in the whole thing)

Why on Earth would they want to sleep alone after having Mommy or Mommy and Daddy in bed with them? I wouldn't!

I hear so many parents say they do this. Just check out the number of posts on the "attachment parenting" thread. I am trying not to be judgmental however, if you started this, I think you basically have to live with it now. I don't know anyone who's been very successful with turning this around. I hope you have better luck!

Question to those of you who have your kids in bed with you....how do you have a relationship, if you know what I mean, with your husband in this situation? How do you guys have any time to yourselves?

Again, I'm not dissing your parenting method, seriously to each his own. But I do think if you start this, it's not fair to make the child deal with all of a sudden it's not ok anymore.

My son has always slept alone in his room and when he was a baby I made sure I put him to sleep awake so he could learn how to put himself to sleep. I never regretted it!

We have *never had issues with sleep/going to bed/naps. He never gets out of bed or gives me grief about going to sleep. In fact, sometimes he tells us he wants to go to bed early!

Yes, there are times when I let him sleep with me, but it's rare and it's a treat and he knows it. I admit it must be tempting for parents, it's so fun snuggling with them. But I personally think they'll be more independent if they sleep alone, and for me, I want my kids to be independent.

Let the angry responses begin!

 

[allyphoe]

As far as starting and not being able to stop, my stock joke-response to that is: "I know, isn't it terrible! This last kid, I made a big mistake. Carried her everywhere with me for 9 months, fed her constantly, slept with her, gave her everything she wanted, whether it was convenient for me or not. And then when she was born, she expected that same treatment! Let me tell you, I won't make that mistake again - the next one is going to be walking on its own feet, getting its own meals, and sleeping in its own room from conception."

In general, I try to decide if it's more important to me that DD stop something than it is to her to continue. So she's still nursing at 4, even though I'd rather she not be, because it's very very important to her and a minor annoyance to me. Being in my bed all night (feet in one person's ribs, head in the other) was more annoying to me than it was important to her, so she sleeps in her own bed. We didn't really have a transition problem, and no one lies down with her to get her to fall asleep. Some nights, she says its time for her to go to sleep before I say it.

IME, we had plenty of time to ourselves, including time for, um, couple-activities. We go to bed late, and have plenty of room in the house other than the bed the kid is asleep in.

 

[SmallWorld71]

Just throwing my 2 cents in: We had a problem with DD when she was 3 (she became an expert in sneaking into our bed at night). The only, and I repeat only, thing that will work is consistency. If you have her sleep alone for 3 nights and then sleep with her for 1, she will remember the 1 and cling to that and you have just defeated your own purpose. So, whatever you decide, be consistent! Yes, I know it is not easy. But, it is so worth it in the end.
Also, promises of $ or new toys or threats of taking away things will not work at this age. They live too much in the moment at this age for future rewards/punishments to change their behavior.
Good luck!

 

[dfarner]

Let the angry responses begin!

No flames here, believe me. You said everything I was thinking as well. The OP has to deal w/ her own insecurities before she can expect her DD to follow suit and sleep in her own bed.
When you train a child to sleep in your bed for any length of time that is what they are going to expect to do. I have read the AP thread and I am just baffled by how many parents feel they "need" to sleep w/ their children.

 

[zoemurr]

we have never had this problem.. (when my son used to come in our room he had to sleep on the floor) but something that works well for us is a CD player. When my kids go to bed they listen to a story or music. It's a nice distraction. When they wake up in the middle of the night they put it back on, instead of yelling for me. They are 6/8 but we have been doing this for years. Sometimes I hear the Wiggles at 4am, but that's ok with me. You can also give her an old shirt of yours to sleep with. I might also bribe her and make a chart, so after 5 nights alone she can go to the Dollar Tree or something.

I'm sure a lot of it is that she is feeling your anxiety.

Good luck!

 

[caitty13]

I tried a child sized areo bed on our floor. It worked great until th e dog stepped on it and split the seam.

 

[mrsbert]

I too am one who can't relate. My boys slept in our room for the first 4 or 5 months in a bassinet while they were nursing. I could tell my youngest liked being in his own room because he slept much better. Friends used to ask me when the boys were 2 and 4 how I did it. You mean they just go to sleep in their bed and stay? It's kinda like the car seat. If they don't know the difference then it's normal to them. I can't imagine needing to break a 3 or 4 y.o. of this habit and of course an adult as well.

Now ask me if we close our bedroom doors at night and I'll say no way! I mean I have to feel like I'm in some control. Of what I don't know.

Good luck with breaking the habit for both of you. There is nothing better than listening and watching your child sleep sometimes.

 

[Whosemom]

I tried a child sized areo bed on our floor. It worked great until th e dog stepped on it and split the seam.

Perfect! "Sorry, dear, your thing broke, might as well try your bed now."

 

[WDWorBUST]

I always feel bad for parents who are going through this. Please don't get mad at me, but I just don't understand why people start this and then complain when they can't stop it. (I do realize the original poster admits her role in the whole thing)

Why on Earth would they want to sleep alone after having Mommy or Mommy and Daddy in bed with them? I wouldn't!

I hear so many parents say they do this. Just check out the number of posts on the "attachment parenting" thread. I am trying not to be judgmental however, if you started this, I think you basically have to live with it now. I don't know anyone who's been very successful with turning this around. I hope you have better luck!

Question to those of you who have your kids in bed with you....how do you have a relationship, if you know what I mean, with your husband in this situation? How do you guys have any time to yourselves?

Again, I'm not dissing your parenting method, seriously to each his own. But I do think if you start this, it's not fair to make the child deal with all of a sudden it's not ok anymore.

My son has always slept alone in his room and when he was a baby I made sure I put him to sleep awake so he could learn how to put himself to sleep. I never regretted it!

We have *never had issues with sleep/going to bed/naps. He never gets out of bed or gives me grief about going to sleep. In fact, sometimes he tells us he wants to go to bed early!

Yes, there are times when I let him sleep with me, but it's rare and it's a treat and he knows it. I admit it must be tempting for parents, it's so fun snuggling with them. But I personally think they'll be more independent if they sleep alone, and for me, I want my kids to be independent.

Let the angry responses begin!

Your post did not anger me at all. In fact I had a friend I worked with going through this very thing before I was even pregnant and I just did not understand it.
It was one thing I did not want to do when I had a child. However....you'll notice that I said from 2 months to 3 years she slept with us. The first two months I got up faithfully - and went in the other room and nursed her....but since I was breastfeeding when I went back to work she ended up in our bed so I could get some sleep. I was not able to get up in the middle of the night 3+ times to nurse her and then function at work. It just wasn't happening.

As far as having a relationship - well to be honest we just didn't have that kind of relationship often Still don't unfortunately. I mean there are times the child isn't at home.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Suck it up and do it. I had to do it when I took away the pacifier, and when I took away the "ba ba".
Super Nanny has a great method of laying the child down, no talking except, "its time for bed now", and walking out of the room. If the child gets up, you lay them back down without a word and minimize eye contact...Keep doing it over and over until the child conks out. You need to reclaim power over your child. You are the adult, you decide the rules. If your child needs to sleep alone you are the only one who can make them do it. Tough love truly lives up to its name-- but keep in mind, you'll be a better Mom and wife when you can get real rest in your own bed. I know its tough, but hang in there.

 

[PEANUT1]

my 3 1/2 yr old always went to bed like an angel and slept great. about 4 months ago she started coming into our room and getting into our bed every night. some nights I wouldn't even hear her come in (scary I know). I let this go on for a couple of weeks. i guess it was just laziness or just the fact that i was really tired. I was getting terrible sleep. we have a king sized bed but she would always snuggle so close to me or sleep sideways. Finally i realized this had to stop so i put her sleeping bag on the floor and told her that if she was afraid in the middle of the night she had to sleep on the floor. this works well. if she comes in after the sun is up, i do let her come into our bed bc otherwise she is up for the day. This morning she came in at like 6:30 went back to sleep and didn't wake until after 8.

Every night she asks me to lie with her when I put her to bed, but I refuse unless she is sick or something else like that. I will rub her head for a couple of minutes after I read her stories, but I don' t want her to need me to be there to fall asleep. Once you start that, it is hard to stop. Keep trying , it will work. Take baby steps.