How to explain to a 6 yr. old..

[C.Ann]

Now that we're living at my DD's house, the time has come for us to explain to my granddaughter that Grandpa is not going to "get better".. We're just not quite sure how to do it though.. Recently his appetite has really dropped off and he rarely gets out of his recliner anymore except to use the bathroom.. The doctors feel that his cancer has probably spread to his bones now and his breathing has becoming more difficult.. He's not ready for Hospice yet, but I would not be surprised if he passes away before this time next year..

My granddaughter brings him his meals on a tray (she's "taking care of Grandpa") and she's thoroughly convinced that if he "eats more vegetables and drinks more milk" he'll get better again.. Right now our biggest fear is that she'll come downstairs one morning and he won't wake up because he has passed away during the night.. A few nights ago we had a power outtage and when the alarm went off on his oxygen machine she was VERY upset that she didn't hear it and realize that there was a problem so she could wake someone else (of course we all heard it and were already awake, but she somehow felt as though it was her responsibility)..

Due to his numerous health problems, we don't have an exact time frame as to when he'll actually pass, but we don't want it to be a surprise or a shock for my granddaughter.. We're also terribly concerned that now she'll begin to worry that her other Grandpa might die too.. (He's in great health - in his mid-60's - and hopefully that won't be an issue for many more years..)

Has anyone here had an ill parent living with them and had to prepare such a young child for the eventuality of their death? If so, how did you handle it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I think this is something that needs to be addressed right now - before anything happens unexpectedly..

Thanks..
C.Ann

 

[leighe]

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I'll be praying for your family. Lots of hugs!

 

[jacksonsmom]

Don't be surprise if your granddaughter knows something is going on. Kids are pretty smart & can pick up on things pretty easily at that age.

I would be honest with her, answer any questions she may have. There are SO many GREAT books out there for just this situation. Check out your library or book store.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
GOOD LUCK

 

[tar heel]

C. Ann -- I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I used to work at a hospice and our social workers and grief counselors routinely worked with children before their loved one passed away. At the one I worked at, they also worked with people in the community whose loved ones were not hospice patients, but I'm not sure everywhere does that. There are some appropriate books available, but I don't know the titles. You might call hospice and ask to speak to a grief couselor -- they should be able to steer you in the right direction about books and whether there might be some resources available for you now.

Also, does his oncology practice have a medical social worker? If so, ask that person for help.

 

[Microcell]

I had to explain to my DD that she will not meet her grandma here on Earth (she died 15 years ago) I found it best to be honest in that situation about heaven etc...

Gosh, with this one you don't want her to be grieving before he passes. If you get the opportunity to talk about death in general it may be helpful to her to talk up going to heaven and relieving pain. I just probably would not tell her his death may be iminent.

I could only imagine her constantly hopeless or blaming herself. You probably need to tell her when she says he will get better with more healthy food, that it is good for him to have those things, but ultimately it is up to God. That way she will not blame herself for not doing enough.

 

[froglady]

I have a book called "Lifetimes" that deals with this beautifully. It's very appropriate for you to read with a 6 year old.

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[Serena]

Aww, that's a lot of responsibility she put on her shoulders. I wish I had some advice.

 

[huey duey & luey]

My father also has a degenerative, terminal illness. My nephew is 6 and does understand that Pop is sick. He also sees that he is progressively getting worse. He is now in a wheelchair, has a trach and has difficulty talking. We have explained that Pop is not feeling well, and that when he is too tired he will go to sleep with God. Kids are definitley more perceptive than we give them credit for.
Tara

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

So sorry you are all going through this. I would get the book Fall of Freddy the Leaf by leo buscgalia (sp?) it goes throught the life cycle of a leaf (the leaves are the ones telling their story) it is wonderfully done. Perfect for all age groups. I also would be carerfull with her "taking care" of grandpa. Maybe rephrase it as "helping" granpa. Because when the time comes, she might be thinking she didn't do enough and if she had only..... he might be better. Sending hugs your way....

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Microcell

Gosh, with this one you don't want her to be grieving before he passes. If you get the opportunity to talk about death in general it may be helpful to her to talk up going to heaven and relieving pain. I just probably would not tell her his death may be iminent.

I could only imagine her constantly hopeless or blaming herself. You probably need to tell her when she says he will get better with more healthy food, that it is good for him to have those things, but ultimately it is up to God. That way she will not blame herself for not doing enough.

----------------------

This is one of my biggest fears - the emotional burden of constantly "waiting and wondering" for her.. It's something that I have had to deal with myself for quite sometime and believe me, it's not easy for an adult - let alone a child..

Perhaps the more "general" explanation would be better - along with the info that the proper foods will help him feel better, although not necessarily "heal" him..

I think I will also check out the book suggested here - as well as maybe calling Hospice to speak with a grief counselor and see what they think..

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have twins who just turned 7. We had some tough situations in this household this year with my own bout with cancer and the death of one of their beloved dogs (and the other who's on his way out). I anticipated the dogs' deaths because they were older so a couple of years ago I started talking to them about the life cycle and Doggie Heaven. (We also talk about Heaven because Grampa Bill is there but they never knew him; we visit his grave so they understand his body is there but his spirit is in heaven - with the dog of course).

By far the hardest thing I had to talk to them about was my own diagnosis of breast cancer and how that would impact them (it was a really tough year but they fared unbelievably well thanks to many wonderful people around us). I fretted about it for weeks after I found out and couldn't even look at them without tears in my eyes. I read information about the best approach but it all seemed so serious to me; I couldn't seem to find the right words in my head. Then one Sunday morning at breakfast, still in pajamas, they asked me why we were drinking "funny" (organic) milk now. It was unanticipated but I realized this was a great opening to the discussion we needed to have, so took the opportunity to have a simple, low-key, matter-of-fact talk. I kept things simple and they accepted it without the fanfare and tears I'd dreamed up in my head.

So I might suggest you have a conversation in a similar way, maybe over ice cream or something so she sees that despite this happening her life will go on and she will be ok (which is really a child's concern at that age). Keep it simple and factual and remind her that although his body will be in heaven his spirit will always be around her (or whatever you believe). My kids find coins A LOT and we always tell them they're "pennies from heaven" from Grampa Bill. Funny how it seems to give them a "connection" to him which I think is great.

Good luck with your DGD and your husband.

 

[PoohnPglet]

First, lots of hugs your way. This is a hard time for you.

My son was a little older when I took care of my grandfather. When it got to the stage that it sounds like(?) you are at, I sat him down and told him everything the nurses and doctors had told me. Even to the time frame that Grampy had been given and the things that we could start expecting to happen. I let him ask ALL the questions he needed to. We even called the doctor to get a few answers. We stressed that there was nothing anyone could do to help him get better at this point, not even all his doctors.
It seemed like maybe I had laid too much on the poor kid, because my son just clung to Grampy even harder and was so upset when he passed.
A few months ago my son and I were talking about it and my son told me that he was really happy that I had told him everything. I reminded him how upset he was (and sometimes can still be). He told me that that is true, but because he knew what was going on, he knew how important each day, each hug, and each "I love you" were. And that is what helps him feel better when he is sad about it.
I do not know if that helps you or not. Sorry so long.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

A few months ago my son and I were talking about it and my son told me that he was really happy that I had told him everything. I reminded him how upset he was (and sometimes can still be). He told me that that is true, but because he knew what was going on, he knew how important each day, each hug, and each "I love you" were. And that is what helps him feel better when he is sad about it.

What a great kid!!

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I am not sure what your beleifs are, But I have always found that the simplest answers work best for the little ones.
My neighbor had the very issue you describe where the kids did come down and find Nana had passed on. However they had told the kids when It was time for Nana to die she would be sleeping with the angels. So when they found her, The first thing they said was oh Nana was ready to sleep with the angels. they were upset of course, But it was not remembered as traumatic and they were not frightened.

There is also a wonderful book I read to my children in preperation for the death of my Grandfather, that was wonderfully comforting. It was called Nana upstairs, Nana downstairs. I would recommend it.

hugs to you.

 

[minniecarousel]

Oh, C.Ann, this is so tough. You've gotten some great advice here. I like the idea of books on the subject and checking with grief counselors ahead of time.

Hang in there, dear. You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[sorcerormickey]

No advice here, just for you and your family.

 

[tar heel]

The Freddy the Leaf book was one of the ones used in the children's program at the hospice I worked at.

 

[C.Ann]

I never realized there was SO many books dealing with this subject for children! I'll be sure to check out the library in the next town over from my DD's.. It's quite large so I'm sure they'll have at least some of the ones mentioned here..

Thank you all for the great suggestions!

 

[CourtasanSatine]

I lost my father when I was 16 and I somehow knew in my head he would not make it to my 17th birthday.This is only me but someone used the epsiode of the X-Files when Scully's father died to help me