How to "end" friendships

[_19disnA]

I agree with those saying just left these people drift away from your life. There is no reason to create drama with some big confrontation when they mostly sound clueless of why they aren't likeable. You aren't REQUIRED to be friends with people you either no longer enjoy and/or have few things in common. Take a few DAYS to reply to their texts.............most will eventually get the message. If they call, let it go to voice mail and then wait a few days to text a reply. Don't engage in conversations with them on social media. Tell them you are 'busy' doing something else when they try to arrange a get together. After you do that a few times they will probably get the message and move on. If you no long work at the same place and have nothing else in common with former co-workers, you can just stop interacting.

Spend your time with relatives or find new friends who you have more in common with and enjoy doing things together.

 

[CynBeth]

I have been on both ends where I had an all about me friend and have also been dropped. I had a friend who always had issues and I always ran to help or comfort her. She only called me if she needed something I was always the one who tried to set up a get together for lunch or dinner. One day it dawned on me she was never there for me when I needed her and did not treat me very well so I decided to stop reaching out and see if she would put in the effort and she did not and that was it. For the ones who let me go as a friend it was without a word just stopped e-mailing or calling and I wish I could have been told what I did to turn them off so I could have corrected whatever it was. For your former co-workers I would tell them you would like to do other activities with no talk about work and see if they would be willing to do things you enjoy. For the all about me friend I would sit down with her and tell her how you feel and give her a chance to see if she can change her behavior. Good luck!

 

[AussieFan8]

If you are going to let things drift off, please make sure you are consistent. I have a friend who is part of a group of friends who are neighbors who used to always hang out together. Then we noticed she was always making excuses not to join us or texting at the last minute that something came up. But then she would randomly text us here and there in a friendly way, and chat when we ran into each other and make comments about not seeing each other in a while. I find it very exhausting and would have rather she said something straight up to the effect that her life had moved in a different direction but she wished us well. If she wasn't going to do that, I would have preferred that she just decline invitations until we stopped inviting her rather than sending mixed messages.

 

[fla4fun]

For the ones who let me go as a friend it was without a word just stopped e-mailing or calling and I wish I could have been told what I did to turn them off so I could have corrected whatever it was.

This is why I am not a huge fan of the fade out plan and prefer a more direct approach most of the time. You aren’t sparing the other person’s feelings by simply disappearing on them. In fact, it can be more painful for them, and in some cases it can cause people to try harder to communicate with you. Most people would prefer to hear the truth, no matter how painful, than to hear nothing and wonder what they did wrong (especially if they really didn’t do anything wrong, per se, and the parties simply grew apart). For example, consider the OP and the former coworkers. The coworkers are not wrong for enjoying the talks about their former workplace, and the OP is not wrong for wanting those discussions to stop. But if no one talks about the situation then how can the situation be changed?

Each relationship is going to be different but it is possible to be honest with people without being cruel, and a clean, clear break can often be good for both parties. In my opinion, if you don’t let someone know you no longer wish to be close, especially in a neighborhood where you are likely to cross paths often, you will be dealing with this every time you meet.

 

[neverlandsky]

People come into your life for a reason, or a season, or a lifetime. Your time and energy are the most valuable thing you have in life. Both are limited. You can choose how to spend your time and energy.

 

[mousefan73]

This is why I am not a huge fan of the fade out plan and prefer a more direct approach most of the time. You aren’t sparing the other person’s feelings by simply disappearing on them. In fact, it can be more painful for them, and in some cases it can cause people to try harder to communicate with you. Most people would prefer to hear the truth, no matter how painful, than to hear nothing and wonder what they did wrong (especially if they really didn’t do anything wrong, per se, and the parties simply grew apart). For example, consider the OP and the former coworkers. The coworkers are not wrong for enjoying the talks about their former workplace, and the OP is not wrong for wanting those discussions to stop. But if no one talks about the situation then how can the situation be changed?

Each relationship is going to be different but it is possible to be honest with people without being cruel, and a clean, clear break can often be good for both parties. In my opinion, if you don’t let someone know you no longer wish to be close, especially in a neighborhood where you are likely to cross paths often, you will be dealing with this every time you meet.

true but friendships are a bit different than let's say a romantic relationship.. It is obvoius to most if a couple break-up there is many times a complete cut-off, maybe running into them and being cordial etc....but often unspoken like don't call or text me EVER.

but if you tell a friend that you dont want to be "close" or break-up what are the rules here? Do you also set the rules and say do not ever call me again? .. what does this mean? Please dont text me on my birthday anymore? If you have extra tickets to xyz and you know I am a fan, don't offer anymore? Honestly that is cruel and makes OP look like the bad person.. Yes her friends are annoying, maybe selfish no longer her vibe but do they deserve this? IMO unless a friend did something cruel or mean to earn this.

Now on the other hand if a friend is a BFF for many years or somebody really close and suddently stop calling. then in this case there needs to be an honest conversation.

I am just saying there is a huge risk this backfires and OP becomes the bad one for being to direct

 

[fla4fun]

true but friendships are a bit different than let's say a romantic relationship.. It is obvoius to most if a couple break-up there is many times a complete cut-off, maybe running into them and being cordial etc....but often unspoken like don't call or text me EVER.

but if you tell a friend that you dont want to be "close" or break-up what are the rules here? Do you also set the rules and say do not ever call me again? .. what does this mean? Please dont text me on my birthday anymore? If you have extra tickets to xyz and you know I am a fan, don't offer anymore? Honestly that is cruel and makes OP look like the bad person.. Yes her friends are annoying, maybe selfish no longer her vibe but do they deserve this? IMO unless a friend did something cruel or mean to earn this.

Now on the other hand if a friend is a BFF for many years or somebody really close and suddently stop calling. then in this case there needs to be an honest conversation.

I am just saying there is a huge risk this backfires and OP becomes the bad one for being to direct

Well, I have had two friendships end, in opposite ways, which probably plays a big part in why I feel as I do. I agree if not handled diplomatically it can go badly, but it doesn’t have to.

The first one, one day I said hello and the other person gave me a dirty look, said they were tired of hanging out with a goody-goody like me and to never speak to them again. I did not see or speak to them again. We had been friends for five years at that point, and I was not aware of any issues between us. I suppose I am a bit of a goody-goody (I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs and I always follow the rules) but I don’t demand that my friends act the same. Could the no contact request have been worded in a more courteous way? Yes, it definitely could, but at least I knew where we stood (or didn’t) and I moved on.

In the other case, I was friends with someone for ten years before I found out they were addicted to alcohol. We went out to eat, to the movies, to the beach, spent holidays together whenever we could, even took trips together, and it wasn’t until the last trip we took together that I saw them drunk for the first time. We remained friends while my friend was in and out of rehab, and in and out of jail, and then eventually became sober. A few years after they went sober (about twenty years into our friendship) they simply disappeared. We were in the habit of texting each other if we couldn’t be together on holidays and birthdays, and for three years I sent a text on their birthday, with no response. A mutual acquaintance asked if I’d heard from my friend after they moved to another town a couple of hours away, so I knew they were at least alive. I don’t know if they relapsed and were ashamed, or if they felt they needed to cut all past ties to keep their sobriety, or what, but I didn’t send any more texts and haven’t heard from them for six years now. I wish there could have been closure, and will always wonder if they are doing well.

The first situation caused more pain in the moment, but provided closure and a clean break. Yes, the “rules” were laid out to go no contact, and that is what we did. The recovery time was quick, and since I knew why the friendship ended, I was able to let it go. She was correct in her assumption that I wouldn’t change who I was just to remain friends. The second situation will probably cause me some concern until either I hear they have passed away, or I do. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I will never know if something went terribly wrong on their side and they couldn’t reach out, or if it was a deliberate choice. Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad friend for not following up but since I still live in the same place, and have the same phone number, they could still reach out if they choose to.

The only time I have ended a friendship it was due to making a long distance move and I know I am not good at maintaining long distance relationships of any kind. That is how I presented it and because they knew me, they understood. I would have never ghosted them.

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

Thank you again for all your advice! I did rethink it based on your input and I am not going to tell self-absorded friend where to stick it. I'm just going to keep being busy as I don't want to have stuff be awkward whenever we do run into each other.

 

[SpiritedHaunts]

My best friend and I always talked and hung out. Until one day when she asked me via email about how things were going here. She had just gotten her masters in a very condensed course. I told her that my Nana had just passed on and that was it. No more communication. I tried to call and text and email but nothing.

Her life before we met was very hard and it was becoming more of a "What should I do about..." friendship but I thought we both still enjoyed having each other in our lives. Plus I had no one else to share with.

With her previous drama, actual drama, I thought everything from her past had killed her or sent her to witness protection and if I try to find her that might bring trouble to my door.

It wasn't until some time during the pandemic that I tried to find her and found her doctoral thesis online.

Then I realized that I had forgotten that she has my address both email and home etc.. Then I felt mad that the last time we talked having it be about a death in my family and never got message back to even say "Sorry for your loss." Or even a simple "I am too busy to make time to talk anymore."

I am still not sure what I want to believe may have happened to her. A simple reply would make my life so very easier here.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

Co-Worker "friends" they have been ones that once they left employment reached out to me all the times for dinner. And, out of guilt I engaged it. I think with them..... Co-Worker friend #1 I am just going to push her off until fall then suggest going painting like @LuvOrlando suggested. I want to be out enjoying the weather and doing outdoorsy stuff and she isn't into that. Co-Worker #2 I'm going to just say how busy and I'll reach out when I'm not as busy. As she also is very negative. The woo is me type "if I had a better job life would be awesome", "if I was married life would be perfect". Self-Absorbed #3, I'm going to just stop responding to texts. If she does ask me if I'm mad at her, I'm just going to be honest and tell her how I actively listen to her interests and life but whenever I bring up anything on my life she doesn't want to hear it or she is negative about it. LOL just talking to her on the phone is exhausting.



I appreciate your insight on this and I have questioned before, what happens if there is no more DH. He dies, divorce, etc. But it really comes down to surrounding myself with positive people who enjoy the same interests as I do. I spend alot of time with family as they are most important to me. Then we have couple friends who we are doing lots of stuff with (the wives aren't part of these individual friends).

I am not the kind of person to announce an ending, I just tend to gradually move on. I have had coworkers leave and for a while we maintained a relationship, but honestly, the only thing we really had in common was work. When that ended, we really had not much else. The last coworker to leave said she did not want to discuss work, (Yay!) and then always complained about a job she no longer had. I tend to just be busy and then that problem solves itself.

As i am getting older, I find that I like people, but I no longer want to be around tertiary folks who I have little to nothing in common with or who bring negativity into my space. I honestly do nto think it is wrong to let those relationships just drift off naturally.

 

[holden]

I agree with those who said to let the friendship dissolve itself. They will drift away. No need to do anything.

 

[CynBeth]

My best friend and I always talked and hung out. Until one day when she asked me via email about how things were going here. She had just gotten her masters in a very condensed course. I told her that my Nana had just passed on and that was it. No more communication. I tried to call and text and email but nothing.

Her life before we met was very hard and it was becoming more of a "What should I do about..." friendship but I thought we both still enjoyed having each other in our lives. Plus I had no one else to share with.

With her previous drama, actual drama, I thought everything from her past had killed her or sent her to witness protection and if I try to find her that might bring trouble to my door.

It wasn't until some time during the pandemic that I tried to find her and found her doctoral thesis online.

Then I realized that I had forgotten that she has my address both email and home etc.. Then I felt mad that the last time we talked having it be about a death in my family and never got message back to even say "Sorry for your loss." Or even a simple "I am too busy to make time to talk anymore."

I am still not sure what I want to believe may have happened to her. A simple reply would make my life so very easier here.

This sounds similar to the all about me friend I mentioned in a previous post. About 10 years ago my husband had issues and was in and out of the hospital for a few months as they tried to figure out what was going on. My former friend usually only called when she wanted something I was usually the one who reached out and to arrange our get togethers. One day she actually called but we were waiting for one of his doctors to call so I could not talk and just mentioned briefly he was sick and waiting for a doctor’s call could she call back the next day. She never called back or even sent an e-mail to see what was going on. I had people at my place of worship both people we were close to and others we did not know very well when they had heard what was going on call or e-mail to see how he was doing and ask if we needed anything. Yet the person I had been friends with since high school did not care. She had reached out maybe a few months later did not even ask how he was it was whatever was going on with her which I can’t even remember now. That was the last straw and I did not make the effort anymore. A few times she e-mailed and I responded to be polite. Eventually it died off.

 

[Travel60]

"oh I can't go [fill in the blank], I've become so engrossed doing [fill in the blank] that I'm having to cut back on some other things. I hope you have fun!"

 

[SpiritedHaunts]

Yep, sometimes having a friend can wear you down. We had a lot of fun experiences but it also felt like because I had 'small' issues, my wording, I felt like that meant that I had to do more for her. The only time I was ever grounded was when my Daddy said so jut cause I didn't want to go.

There were lots to do together like via a friend of a friend who worked at a zoo a cool outing was offered. I had to really ponder on that one before bowing out and getting a report back that started with, "You are so lucky that you didn't go."

When I started getting sick both she and my sil would be willing to come help, if Mom superseded me. Luckily I have new knowledge health wise and feeling better about being optimistic that Mom and I are not going to die today. I also now have time to figure out who to get help from.

Since one is gone and the other is in time out in my mind I can focus more on my issues with knowledge that by the time I need the help it will be vastly improved. Like the chicken that either of them would be asked to help with that now Mom says you can buy it in whatever form you want.

I tend to be a stress magnet and actually can get sick from it. So if losing my only close friend, my lighting rod friend, takes stress away mores the better. Now I only wonder if I should still occasionally try to find her.