How to "end" friendships

[OrangeBirdGirl]

Need some advice here......

As I am growing older I am realizing some of these trivial friendships aren't really something I look forward to. I have a group of about 4 friends (not in the same circle) and have realized I only enjoy meeting one of them out for dinner. This is just girlfriends, not couples friends DH & I see together. The one friend I enjoy is similar to me as she crafts and she travels so our dinners are mentally stimulating (is that even a thing, lol!). The other 2 friends are co-workers that have left my place of employment. There is nothing in common with our lives other than we worked together (years ago). Our conversation revolves around work, they tell me about their job and ask about various things from my job (since they worked there). I really don't want to talk about work. It's work to me, a place I have to go to have $$ to do the things I want to do. I don't want to invest time in talking about it. Then the last friend, everything is so one-sided. It's not even a conversation when I'm with her, it's her talking me listening. She's shown she has no care of anything in my life. I will ask what she did the past weekend or coming up and she never asks the same. If I try to mention something in my life she changes the subject back to her. So I don't even want to bother sharing anything as I know she doesn't care. I mean I will even say stuff like "i'm headed to Disney next week". She says "I don't like that place, oh my dog is really liking the birds in the back yard" (seriously something so absurd like that). Or DH & I love going to zoo's and I'll say about recently going to a particular zoo and she'll say "growing up we went to zoos if you have seen an animal once you don't have to see it again, you should see how my zucchinis are growing, look at this picture".

I've been pushing the 3 other friends off now for a couple months when they'd text to get together. I feel horrible doing that. Then I think what's a few hours of my time? But then those few hours I could be doing something that I enjoy as I feel I'm a busy person and never sitting around bored.

It's not like any of these people are bad, we just don't have anything in common. Well besides the last one who is very self absorbed.

So how do you handle stuff like this when there isn't a falling out? I mean it's not like I wish bad on these folks, I know we'll run across each other as a relatively small area we live in so I want to be able to go up to each of them and say hi. I want to still see pics of their lives on FB. I just don't want to sit through non-enjoyable dinners. And, none of these 3 friends really do anything so changing it up and saying let's go for a bike ride instead of dinner isn't an option.

Thank you for any advice!

 

[fla4fun]

This is tough, because no matter how carefully you word it, they will feel rejected in some way. However, I do think it’s important to be honest with people, as politely as possible.

For the two previous coworkers, I would just tell them that you have noticed that the only thing the two of you talk about is work, and that you have simply grown apart and have nothing in common anymore. Make it as much about you as them, but be firm that you would like to end the friendship so both of you can move on. There really should be less emotional involvement with these two because it was based solely on a working relationship. You may find that they have been wanting to end it as well, but didn’t know how either.

The one who is making it all about her will require a different approach because she may not hear what you’re saying due to her ongoing dialog. You may want to continue putting her off for a while and see if she comes to you questioning your friendship. Then you can give the “We have grown apart and don’t have anything in common” speech. It may take a few times before she gets the message. Just be polite and firm. You have the right to set boundaries in your life. It may be that she talks so much because she is lonely, or because she likes being the center of attention. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference, but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to remain friends.

It sounds like the first one you mentioned out of the four may still have some redeeming qualities, and is a friendship worth keeping, but maybe think about reducing the number of visits if feel that you need time apart. Saying something along the lines of your schedule being crowded so you would like to get together a little less frequently might work. This is another time to make it about you, not that she has done anything wrong.

It’s never easy to have these types of conversations, but in the end, the sooner you set your boundaries the better you will feel, and they won’t feel like you’re string them along as much. Good luck!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't know I would end things, bad blood has staying power. It's ok to cool off a while, maybe make time once every few months and go somewhere with a diversion like a painting event or a movie just to keep things pleasant but let the closeness die on the vine naturally like things do. I'd leave an open door because you may come back for a work recommendation or something, never can tell. Actually ending things and burning bridges is rarely a great idea in my opinion.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

There's not really a falling out going on here (other than if you make an issue with the self-absorbed friend), it's a drifting apart situation. As you describe it none of these are friendships to you. I'm with you on the self-absorbed individual.

You might have to ask yourself why did stay in contact with coworkers whom you have said you worked with years ago. And enough to consider them friends as opposed to just acquaintances. You make it sound like you have zero in common but it was enough to meet up with these two beyond their time at your place of employment.

Even though I've made good friends with past coworkers once they left or I left that was kind of the end...but naturally. Some I have kept up with on Facebook and interact every now and then there and keep up with their lives (the few I really bonded with enough to do this) but I'm not meeting up in person with them. But for you to continue to meet up in person signals to me there was something else there either they were more friends than you originally thought or you changed enough and it's not a "they" problem. You might be able to stave off meeting in person by just discussing you're pretty busy these days but to go ahead and plan without you, then if you actually care to keep up with them sporadically contact via FB, even just a quick comment on their post IF you're invested enough in keeping up with them.

You mention bike riding which maybe that's an interest for you but I can tell you I would have zero interest in that, I exercise 4-5 times per week but have no interest in that being my meet up with my friends, when I was young yeah I did that a ton, but no not what I'd like to do now. Maybe look to see if there is a bike group you could join if you're more seriously into that (I'm taking it as you're interested in that rather than a random "here's another activity we could do").

One thing I have picked up on are 1) as you're growing older 2) mentally stimulating conversations 3) viewing the three people as a trivial friendships 4) viewing dinner as non-enjoyable dinners, etc just be careful that you aren't isolating yourself by means of viewing others as bothersome, dull and not worthy of your time. I don't know your age but it can be easy to find yourself viewing friendships in such a negative light that you end up alone. And that one friend you've really bonded with may eventually view you the same, I only say that because it sorta seems unkind the way you view these other individuals. It's absolutely your right to do so however to remove people you do not see as connecting with you any more.

 

[Disturbia]

If someone isn’t willing to reciprocate the time and effort that you’re willing to put into a relationship it becomes mentally draining and not healthy for either. If you can’t lean on them and they just keep leaning on you how is that a friendship?

A friend invited herself over under guise of asking about a sick family member. She stayed for 5 hours while only talking to me for 15 mins and wouldn’t monitor her own kids despite me alerting to her kids jumping off our kids bunk bed (getting hurt in the process) and eating on the carpet despite me telling them to eat in the kitchen/dining room. We had coffee and dinner.

Afterwards instead of inviting us her next few texts were generic and then finally she finished with - we will meet at your park (she’s over 25 mins away and it was very offensive. They’ve been to our home 7+ times and we don’t even know where their new home they bought 4-5 years ago is).

I almost wanted to text back that I no longer invest time in one sided relationships but I resisted. It seems like most of these people are not in healthy relationships themselves so they don’t have the energy to do something for anyone else (that’s an explanation NOT an excuse). You don’t need to explain. Most likely they won’t even understand. They need to learn to grow up on their own.

 

[Imzadi]

I don't think you really need to say anything to end friendships with these three. Each one you describes are known as situational friendships. Often, when situations change, so do the friendships.

You worked with 2 of them, the situation has changed. They may still be interested in hearing about what happened at their old job, but for you, you don't care to talk about it. You're not a "catch up newsletter" about their old work. Nothing wrong with that. You are seeing there IS no other interests in common.

The third person, not sure what brought you both together, but you've realized the "friendship" is all one-sided. And she tends to put down your interests. So, not a real friend on any level. She's the only one who gets some benefits of getting to talk about herself when you are together.

When they text or you bump into them, do say a warm, friendly Hi! Just also have some alternate plans or excuses you've rehearsed as to why you & DH have been so busy and can't go out to dinner with them.

With the self-absorbed one, you can say you & DH are planning your next trip to the zoo or Disney, does she want to hear about it? No? Okay, well you have to go as you need to research something for the trip. She's not going to ask you if your really went. And if she does, you could say, "NO! After all that planning, we had to cancel as something came up, and now we are planning a different trip instead!" Again, she's not going to want to hear about it to keep tabs on you.

For the other two friends, you could maybe mention the crafts you are into and are doing more of them or have joined some groups for them, and can't get together as you have a project you have to finish in time to present your project, etc.

After a few times of not being able to get together, all three of them will get the idea you are just too busy and will move on. Things change. Situations change. Life moves forward. You'll realize they really weren't as invested in you as you think they are now.

Personally, I prefer this kind of drifting away, yet saying, "We'll have to do dinner sometime!" then not, to some dramatic declaration of not being friends anymore.

 

[Disney Bobby]

Ask them to lend you some money. That will get rid of most of them, and the ones that give it to you are the ones you should reconsider keeping.

 

[Karin1984]

Stop investing time and energy in it.
If you don't want to do the conversation about ending it, stop responding to messages (start with not responding in a timely manner) or accepting invitations. Same with responding to or liking posts on social media.

Do not give mixed messages.

 

[Christine]

Hmmm...here's a different take. You say "as I'm growing older...." and I'm not sure of your age. But as you age, it get harder and harder and harder to make friends. I agree when that when you're in life, sometimes maintaining a friendship can be hard because of all the other things you want to do, but it's not bad to try to upkeep a core group of friends just so that when you are much older and have a lot more time on your hands, you have connections.

Believe me, I am someone who in the throes of my busy life, didn't properly maintain some good friendships I had because one, I'm an introvert and it's hard enough as it is, and two, I have a busy job and commute that consumes me and I'm lazy when I get home. But I have lost connections with some valued situational friends that I wish I had maintained and there's no getting it back really. Now that I'm still working but much older, the ability to find commonality with peers just isn't there and I am certainly worried for a lonelier life when I potentially move away from my one friend!

That said, if they are making you miserable, then drift away. I'd definitely be looking to cut the self-centered thread. No one needs that. The rest of them sound like pleasant-enough people and not toxic to end it so I'd try to maintain.

 

[Miffy]

I moved a few years ago and since then have contacted a friend I've known for years only sporadically. Not only do we have very little in common anymore, but she is so negative about nearly everything that after having a phone call with her, I was depressed for a couple of days. So I wasn't looking forward to talking with her.

A few months ago, she wrote to me, very angry, and cut off our friendship. I was completely relieved and still am.

OP, I think at least with the last person you described, the one who's all about herself, this may be the way to go. Just have less and less contact with her. At some point she herself may end the friendship, if it could even be called that.

As for your work friends, you could just flat-out say to them that talking about work isn't of interest to you and you'd prefer to talk about something else instead. You might be surprised--they could come through.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Need some advice here......

As I am growing older I am realizing some of these trivial friendships aren't really something I look forward to. I have a group of about 4 friends (not in the same circle) and have realized I only enjoy meeting one of them out for dinner. This is just girlfriends, not couples friends DH & I see together. The one friend I enjoy is similar to me as she crafts and she travels so our dinners are mentally stimulating (is that even a thing, lol!). The other 2 friends are co-workers that have left my place of employment. There is nothing in common with our lives other than we worked together (years ago). Our conversation revolves around work, they tell me about their job and ask about various things from my job (since they worked there). I really don't want to talk about work. It's work to me, a place I have to go to have $$ to do the things I want to do. I don't want to invest time in talking about it. Then the last friend, everything is so one-sided. It's not even a conversation when I'm with her, it's her talking me listening. She's shown she has no care of anything in my life. I will ask what she did the past weekend or coming up and she never asks the same. If I try to mention something in my life she changes the subject back to her. So I don't even want to bother sharing anything as I know she doesn't care. I mean I will even say stuff like "i'm headed to Disney next week". She says "I don't like that place, oh my dog is really liking the birds in the back yard" (seriously something so absurd like that). Or DH & I love going to zoo's and I'll say about recently going to a particular zoo and she'll say "growing up we went to zoos if you have seen an animal once you don't have to see it again, you should see how my zucchinis are growing, look at this picture".

I've been pushing the 3 other friends off now for a couple months when they'd text to get together. I feel horrible doing that. Then I think what's a few hours of my time? But then those few hours I could be doing something that I enjoy as I feel I'm a busy person and never sitting around bored.

It's not like any of these people are bad, we just don't have anything in common. Well besides the last one who is very self absorbed.

So how do you handle stuff like this when there isn't a falling out? I mean it's not like I wish bad on these folks, I know we'll run across each other as a relatively small area we live in so I want to be able to go up to each of them and say hi. I want to still see pics of their lives on FB. I just don't want to sit through non-enjoyable dinners. And, none of these 3 friends really do anything so changing it up and saying let's go for a bike ride instead of dinner isn't an option.

Thank you for any advice!

I UNDERSTAND your feelings completely. I literally could have wrote the original post myself with a few minor changes.
I'm sorry though in that I have no real advice I can offer. I think to myself often how "hard" the friendship thing is in 2024 ( it started years earlier already). As I age, I feel too much time is wasted on things that are mundane or material. ! You'll figure it out!

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

Co-Worker "friends" they have been ones that once they left employment reached out to me all the times for dinner. And, out of guilt I engaged it. I think with them..... Co-Worker friend #1 I am just going to push her off until fall then suggest going painting like @LuvOrlando suggested. I want to be out enjoying the weather and doing outdoorsy stuff and she isn't into that. Co-Worker #2 I'm going to just say how busy and I'll reach out when I'm not as busy. As she also is very negative. The woo is me type "if I had a better job life would be awesome", "if I was married life would be perfect". Self-Absorbed #3, I'm going to just stop responding to texts. If she does ask me if I'm mad at her, I'm just going to be honest and tell her how I actively listen to her interests and life but whenever I bring up anything on my life she doesn't want to hear it or she is negative about it. LOL just talking to her on the phone is exhausting.

One thing I have picked up on are 1) as you're growing older 2) mentally stimulating conversations 3) viewing the three people as a trivial friendships 4) viewing dinner as non-enjoyable dinners, etc just be careful that you aren't isolating yourself by means of viewing others as bothersome, dull and not worthy of your time. I don't know your age but it can be easy to find yourself viewing friendships in such a negative light that you end up alone. And that one friend you've really bonded with may eventually view you the same, I only say that because it sorta seems unkind the way you view these other individuals. It's absolutely your right to do so however to remove people you do not see as connecting with you any more.

I appreciate your insight on this and I have questioned before, what happens if there is no more DH. He dies, divorce, etc. But it really comes down to surrounding myself with positive people who enjoy the same interests as I do. I spend alot of time with family as they are most important to me. Then we have couple friends who we are doing lots of stuff with (the wives aren't part of these individual friends).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I appreciate your insight on this and I have questioned before, what happens if there is no more DH. He dies, divorce, etc. But it really comes down to surrounding myself with positive people who enjoy the same interests as I do. I spend alot of time with family as they are most important to me. Then we have couple friends who we are doing lots of stuff with (the wives aren't part of these individual friends).

If Disney is a high enough interest for you maybe see if there are any DISers in your area (you could see about creating a thread). I can understand the positivity aspect. Personally while I want to be around people who have the same interests in me I also enjoy being around people who broaden my knowledge and even pick up interests off of them. Oddly enough since you spoke of past coworkers one of mine is how I got into watching Asian dramas (korean, chinese, japanese, etc) because she was really into korean ones and k-pop and posted a lot about that on FB and now I'm quite into them.

We have two groups of DISers we now meet in person with. The first group we've been friends since 2017 for the ones we've known the longest. Half of that group is now in Orlando but we chat nearly every day via google chat, do a movie night virtually on Disney+ nearly every week (and have since 2020 as a result of the pandemic), been to their wedding for two of them in Disney, vacationed together, supported each other through hardships, the pandemic, moves and more, really all sorts of things. The second group is fully local to us and there is overlap there from the first group (the ones local to us are also meeting with the second group) and we've done a few things most recently a weekend ago for a Disney bingo night at a local winery. My husband isn't nearly into Disney as I am and in turn my DISer friends are more into Disney than I am but we've all formed quite good friendships that brings in varied interests. Anywho just thought I'd mention that

 

[lovin'fl]

Yeah, I wouldn't have a conversation about it. That would hurt some feelings. I'd just do what you're doing and be 'busy' whenever they want to get together. Maybe, like mentioned above, go once in a blue moon to keep things pleasant and it will slowly die on the vine.

 

[ronandannette]

Yeah, I wouldn't have a conversation about it. That would hurt some feelings. I'd just do what you're doing and be 'busy' whenever they want to get together. Maybe, like mentioned above, go once in a blue moon to keep things pleasant and it will slowly die on the vine.

Yes to all of this. No big drama needed. Stretch out the response times on your replies; don't initiate unless you really want to, and simply answer "sorry, no I can't" to any invitation you don't want to accept. Most people will eventually stop asking. But @Christine made a decent point about taking the long view on relationships. There may come a season of life when these people will be more compatible with you again and if no bridges have been burned, it might be nice to be able to renew acquaintances.

 

[VandVsmama]

Re: the self-absorbed friend -

Gradually take longer and longer to respond to her text messages. Take longer to call her back (if she calls you and leaves you a voicemail). Be "busy" when she suggests getting together. And then on the occasional time that you do meet up, go sort of 'gray rock' when responding to her never-ending babble about herself. Eventually, you could just stop responding altogether and she will eventually get a clue.

And if you're connected with any of these people on social media, if you don't want to un-friend them on social media, change your privacy settings so it at least just looks like you don't post much anymore. If they ask how come you don't post anymore, just tell them that you've been busy and have been taking a social media break.

 

[HopperFan]

Older I've gotten the more I've realized that my time, life and efforts are valuable and that not everyone is entitled to them. I started removing the toxic, the one sided, the users from my life and while the process might have been hard at times (once had an inlaw at a family reunion try to shame me in front of everyone for not being her facebook friend) in the end IT WAS SO WORTH IT. So much weight lifted when I put these folks outside my inner circle. While we MIGHT be at large events together and say hello etc. my life is so much better not having them a part of my life.

Do what is best for you, you owe them nothing.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

Don't tell these people you are ending your friendship. That sounds like middle school friend drama. Just continue to be busy and drift apart naturally. Pick up a new hobby if you need something to make yourself busier.

 

[fly girl]

I am with many on here, let it taper off gradually. No need to make drama where no drama is needed. Keep yourself busy so you "unfortunately" cannot fit them into your schedule. Slowly they will become acquaintances more than friends, which is what it sounds like you want.

 

[mousefan73]

I am with many on here, let it taper off gradually. No need to make drama where no drama is needed. Keep yourself busy so you "unfortunately" cannot fit them into your schedule. Slowly they will become acquaintances more than friends, which is what it sounds like you want.

Agree on this one I’m just not the type to call up a friend say listen. I don’t wanna be your friend anymore- like an official break up. Just too much drama and hurtful in my opinion.

Exception to the rule is if a friend actually does something that is blatantly hurtful or mean.


I’m putting myself in the position of the friends. If I had a friend call me up or tell me face-to-face hey listen we’ve grown apart or listen being critical of our relationship and saying hey “I wanna break up with you.” I honestly might start laughing at the Shock and then when I have a second to think about it, I might get defensive and tell the person what is your problem if you have a problem me maybe just stop answering my calls instead of telling me what a horrible person I am in front of my face and being cruel about it ( that’s how many people will interpret it).