How to deal with the teasing, mocking, and stareing that...

[Walt's#onefan]

How do you help your disABLED children deal with the teasing, staring etc. that comes with being different?

Thanks

 

[Talking Hands]

Try to ignore the teasing and staring people and go on with life. When asked direct questions, educate but only up to the point you are comfortable with it.

 

[SueM in MN]

There was a good thread from long, long ago that dealt with this. When I have time, I'll see if I can find it.

I think it's best to ignore it. People do stare sometimes (and sometimes not just at people with disabilities). When it's kids and they say something, I will try to make some comment to them to explain that my DD uses a wheelchair because her legs don't work that well. I also explain that she can't talk, but can understand them very well. One little boy who looked very scared, really was in awe of her power wheelchair. When I said something to him, he just about erupted in questions - each one beginning "that's really cool" and then he wanted to know whether she could drive the power wheelchair in the house and in school, whether she had to get a license for it, whether she was allowed to drive it in the street, etc.
So sometimes staring leads to something good (sometimes not, but that's another post).

 

[coachYO & my 3 girls]

We have told our DD that sometimes some people just don't know better because they weren't raised to think about other people and that we are all different in one way or another, some people are just rude and some people are just curious and want to know but are afraid to ask. Whenever possible we ignore unless it can't be and then we lay it out like it is and ask if they'd rather trade places, if they were rude to us. If they were just curious we try to educate and let them understand. Good luck
YO

 

[pumpkinboy]

I like these approaches. When I see a child staring and a little afraid I will jump to my education function and give information:
"This is Caleb. He is 6 and in Kindergarten. He doesn't walk like you do, bcs his legs don't work very well, so he has this cool chair. Do you have any friends who ride in wheelchairs? Caleb likes music, computer games and cartoons where ppl fall down. Isn't that right Caleb? Do you like any of those things? Caleb doesn't talk they way you do, but he says yes by looking in your eyes and no by looking away. Is there anything you would like to ask him? ..."

Most kids are curious and a little afraid, so an educational response is appropriate IMHO. Getting them to see my DS as a fellow human being really helps them to understand a little better. With adults who should know better, well I will let their shame fall upon them, as it will be evident to all what jack****es they are. I am not gonna waste my time with folks who should know better.

 

[momof3disneyholics]

Originally posted by pumpkinboy
I like these approaches. When I see a child staring and a little afraid I will jump to my education function and give information:
"This is Caleb. He is 6 and in Kindergarten. He doesn't walk like you do, bcs his legs don't work very well, so he has this cool chair. Do you have any friends who ride in wheelchairs? Caleb likes music, computer games and cartoons where ppl fall down. Isn't that right Caleb? Do you like any of those things? Caleb doesn't talk they way you do, but he says yes by looking in your eyes and no by looking away. Is there anything you would like to ask him? ..."

Most kids are curious and a little afraid, so an educational response is appropriate IMHO. Getting them to see my DS as a fellow human being really helps them to understand a little better. With adults who should know better, well I will let their shame fall upon them, as it will be evident to all what jack****es they are. I am not gonna waste my time with folks who should know better.

That's really nice. I like that alot. I have just started getting some stares at my autistic son and I think I am going to approach it the way you do. Thanks!

 

[OneMoreTry]

My 4YO has seizures, wears a big pink and white helmet and doesn't talk. Sometimes she walks around with her eyes crossed like she's in a different world. She looks like an overgrown 2 year old.

She loves people and sometimes she'll go up to them and smile and wave. The other day at the park a 5 or 6yo girl responded to her simple greeting by looking at her for a minute then shouting "I know who you are and you're not going to bite me -- YOU HALF BRAIN!!"

Her dad was standing there and said nothing. I realized that both of them live in a small and isolated world. they probably sit around at night and talk about what's wrong with everyone else and blame the world's problems on anyone that's different from them. Red, yellow, black, white or disabled.

I knew there was nothing for me to say or do so I just continued to follow our girl around as she explored the playground.

Thinking about that gives me a little twinge but doesn't make me angry. I guess it makes me a little sad for that other girl -- being taught such fear, anger and hatred. And for all of us who live in a world where those feelings grow like weeds. I can't change them. but I can show our girl what life and love are really about.

 

[BarbJ34]

boy can I relate to this topic! When My husband ,dd and I go out we get alot of stares. You can tell they are wondering why dh and dd are both in electric wheelchairs. It usually doesn't bother me but sometimes it does. For example one time we were being seated in a restarant and everyone just stoped eating(it was a small place) and just watched as dd and dh got settled at the table. I meen you could hear a pin drop. Very tense . So when they were settled I annouced rather loudly "Ok show is over you may go back to your meals now" Im not sure it was a good thing to do but it just came out of my mouth. My dh and dd thought it was rather funny. Everyone turned around real quick. My dh says it doesn't bother him much anymore. He likes it when the kids are curious and loves to answer their questions. My dd still has trouble with it now and then. When she asks why everyone is staring I just say because you are so beutiful Then we have a long talk at home.

 

[saymama]

If I have a terribly hard day and a bit annoyed, if I get stared at, I usually just stare back. I've never had anyone make a rude comment to me. If I'm having a good day, I usually just talk to the boys and act like whatever they are doing in the best thing in the world and tell them very loudly that I am so proud of them. I certainly don't mind the questions. I answer as best I could. I don't get many since our disablity is invisible. AT least most of the time. At times it's very apparent but unless you know autism, you'd think the kid was a brat.

Like today, we were off of schedule. Changed therapy appt, so instead of riding the bus, I had to bring him to school. Well, that was enough to end the day there. But then I brought him to inclusion time when we got to school. Walked in and walked out. He started screaming because Miriah was wearing a blue shirt instead of a red shirt. That was the last straw. He had had enough and it took me about 30 mins to calm him down. Miriah come to class to take to him and then later in the day he was better and went to lunch with their class. Just when I think he doesn't need me anymore, he shows me why my job of being his mom is important. More important, than big fancy cars and houses, and other monetary stuff.

 

[mbb]

Originally posted by saymama
...but unless you know autism, you'd think the kid was a brat.

... Just when I think he doesn't need me anymore, he shows me why my job of being his mom is important. More important, than big fancy cars and houses, and other monetary stuff.

You said it, saymama!!!

 

[s&k'smom]

You know I wasn't gonna post anything then you guys said all the things I was thinking. You know I've gotten the stares, curious glances and the doesn't he know better looks. Yeah sometimes he does but no when he's in his zone he doesn't. But I do the best I can and I know he does too. Boy this is a great thread.

 

[momof3disneyholics]

I can't add anymore, but I would like to comment to Saymama.
I know what it is like to be thrown off schedule. There have been plenty of days that if Ian wakes up "wrong", and I know we are going to have a bad day, I just keep him home from school, because I know it is going to be a bad day. When that happens, I have learned to just hold my head up, think of how proud I am of what he has accomplished, and remind myself that God will only give me what I can handle.

 

[SueM in MN]

Here's a link to a very old thread that we had going about dealing with staring. Since it's 9 pages already, I'd prefer to keep the discussion going on this thread instead of adding to that one.

 

[Talking Hands]

I use sign language often when I am out with friends and family. It makes it easier to talk in an enviroment with a lot of back ground noise. We get quite a few stares and occasionally some nasty comments. My husband will relay them to me. As a group we pretty much ignore these people, but we are a group of adults. It is interesting that people will stare and make comments about a group using since language and having a group speaking Spanish or French causes no such reaction. Come on people, we are just speaking another language!

Now if we really want stares we will go out with a couple that are friends who are deaf where the husband uses a wheelchair and the wife is blind as well and brings her guide dog. That always brings a lot of stares and comments. The husband is very oral and will ask what they are looking at. Kids are always curious about the guide dog and the husband and I explain about her and if the wife is ok with it the kids are allowed to pet the dog.

 

[tiggerzpalz]

My brother has Down Syndrome so stares just come naturally since you notice the disability right away. Especially when he tries to talk. It used to bother us but now we just ignore it and chalk it up to natural curiosity for the unknown. As for my brother, who has a heart of gold, when he notices someone staring just says "hi, i'm matt." He doesn't even realize why they are looking he just always likes to make new friends.

 

[Kellye]

I'm glad I found this thread!

Dealing with the stares isn't always easy, especially when you are stressed and tired yourself.

The best thing I have found in regards to my DS who has CCD is to just ignore people. Some days it just hits you wrong though.

Like the older woman at the grocery store yesterday who said, "Look he has a big spot on his head."

I smiled and replied, "No, actually it's the lack of bone formation in his skull."

Yes, I was wrong but I was tired too. I try to ignore it most days and my red-haired prince charming is the chick magnet of the century so he usually can disarm most people pretty quickly.

 

[thelittlemermaid]

My DD has Down Syndrome and after she was first born, people staring at her would bother me. My mom also had Cystic Fibrosis {she passed away in 99} and when she would be out in public and get a coughing spell, people would stop what they were doing and just stare at her. One time someone had enough nerve to ask if she had TB. AAAHHH!!! But I was out in public places alot with my mom before DD was born. I would never say anything to them, per my mom's wishes, but the last straw was when we went to the mall and she had a handicap thing that hung from the mirror and everything. When she and I got out of the car and started walking to the door and a VERY RUDE man made a very nasty comment to us. To make his comment "G" rated for the boards, it was more like "Why are you parked in a handicap spot, neither one of you "witches" {switch the "w" to a "B"} look like your handicapped!" That was it for me!! My response to him was very "R" rated and can't even be put on the board to keep it clean. When I asked him why was he even worried about it he said he was going to park there. When asked if he was even handicapped he said "No" he just needed to run in for something. YEAH Right!!!! Sorry had to vent about that!!

Since having DD I have chilled out quite a bit. Like I said before, the stares use to bother me, but now they don't.
There is always that one person that goes past and stares, but the next two or three that goes past DD and just goes "NUTS" over her {"Oh look at those blue eyes!" "Look at that long hair!"} that makes me forget all about the ones who do stare. Of course that is just me. When she gets a little older and starts noticing, then I will see how she reacts.

 

[ToriLammy]

Originally posted by thelittlemermaid

There is always that one person that goes past and stares, but the next two or three that goes past DD and just goes "NUTS" over her {"Oh look at those blue eyes!" "Look at that long hair!"} that makes me forget all about the ones who do stare. Of course that is just me. When she gets a little older and starts noticing, then I will see how she reacts.

I can see why they go NUTS - what a beauty! Your son's not bad either

My daughter who has CP and is in a wheelchair handles it much better than me, she smiles sweetly and says hello. Me, I'd like to punch some of them but they normally turn red from embarassment when she smiles and that's probably a better lesson for them.

 

[gritzel4]

the little mermaid:

Your children are beautiful. I read one of your other posts on a different disboard re: what to do with stinky diapers. All I could think was how could that little angel possibly have something foul smelling come out of her

As far as that man harrassing you and your mom - it appears to me that he was just another cantankerous old farts that has nothing better to do than complain. I would have gone off on him too.

 

[Lachesis00]

My husband has a bigger problem w/people staring then I do. I only get bent out of shape if you continue to stare and look at me wonder why I am still living... Yeah I am funny looking, I know that, thats OK with me.


Just last week when we were in Phoenix an older gal stared and stared (she'd look away and then look at me again in disbelief over and over). It wasn't until she started following us (sneakly) around the store. Dh and I very creeped out. Not like she wanted to strike up a conversation but... I dunno.

MOST of the time I totally ignore it but if I get a weird vibe I sometimes ask if there is an issue or once in a blue moon I act childish and say something rude. I try not to tho.