How to deal with a bully?

[gwcollins71]

I know this child that is bullying her doesnt have the perfect life. But that doesnt excuse this child from being mean. My dd loves school, gets straight As. My biggest fear is that she will resent school. I was bullied as a child, and I hated school. Did everything I could from not having to go.
Yesterday, before I saw this schedule, my dd and her bff came out to me and said that ___ was being mean again and the other girl said she was going to tell her mom, just as she said that the class aide said, 'now you know I handled that'. My dd looked at her and said, 'if I said what she said I would get into trouble'. She is absolutely right. The teacher tried taking away her instrument lesson for the week because of it. I said no way! You dont punish a child by taking away education. I honestly dont know what is wrong with this teacher. A Monday - Friday schedule... good grief! I dont think the principal has any idea of what is going on. The teacher doesn get along with the principal. Which is why i thought by me going to her would cause an issue. But I know I have to. I am going to send an email with the schedule as an attachment to both the teacher and the principal and save it to my computer. All I has for is this kid to stop harrassing my dd, not to have my dd rights taken away.
I appreciate everyones input and help with this. This is driving me crazy!

I am a teacher. I have had similar situations where one child has, to put it mildly, "poor social skills." I have had several children this year with similar issues. Where one parent alerted me and the other did nothing when I confronted them other then to tell me there is no way that their child could...

We are requred to try our best to keep the children apart. However, part of school is learning how to work with difficult people. I had the children work in small groups (3-4) where the said "couple" were included in the same group. I also spoke with both children before hand so they were aware of my expectations. At this point, the "couple" have moved on to a role playing activity and a pair share with just the two of them in a group alone for 7 minutes at most. However, they are supervised and monitored to watch the behavior.

As the parent, you could refuse to have your child work with the other child. That is most certainly your right. The parent of the my student was fine as long as I looked out for her child. I would definately speak to the teacher again if the behavior continues. I would also question having the children work together every day at a set time. Give it a week and have them try to work together, not right away.

I hope things work out for your daughter. Remember, no matter what, you have the right to dictate how the teacher handles this if you are unhappy. Be sure to document times, dates and notes/responses if things aren't handled to your satisfaction.

Good luck.

Gretchen

 

[mom2grace]

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/ This is a great website!

 

[LovinPooh]

A HUGE thank you to everyone for all the help.

 

[amylevan]

When my brother was in first or second grade, he had several boys who picked on him. One of the boys had a mom who was a guidance counselor and was just absolutely apalled at her son's behavior. So my mom and his mom decided that the two boys would play together after school 1 day a week - at our house so my brother would be in his own comfort zone and so that my mom could keep an eye and ear on the situation. I also assume that his mom spent time teaching him appropriate actions and words. (She met with my mom briefly every week to make sure her son was acting appropriately.)

Years later, they are still friends. So it can work. But it was only once a week - outside of school in case it didn't go well. They didn't want my brother to not want to go to school.

 

[SnowWhite607]

My DD gets ...not bullied but teased. She is 8 and she has some hairo n her arms and legs. The girls tell her she needs to shave or she looks like a gorilla. It really hurts her feelings but she will not stand up for herself. She is afraid if she tells the teacher, she will get sent to the office. THis usually happens at recess so its not her teacher. The teachers dont see the mean kid doing anything so they cant discipline them. DD has told on them before and nothing happened so she doesnt even bother now. But she is a gifted child who now hates school. We have contacted the principal and he says he will take care of it, but it continues.

 

[ajk912]

I just briefly skimmed the thread but I didn't see this posted..American Girl just put out a book, you should be able to get it at the bookstore or library.."Meet Chrissa". It's about a 4th grader who is dealing with bullying. It won't fix it for her, but it may help from the "you are not alone" aspect. Good luck! The retail on the book should be around $7. You can buy the doll, too, but that's $95.

 

[angiejg]

My DD gets ...not bullied but teased. She is 8 and she has some hairo n her arms and legs. The girls tell her she needs to shave or she looks like a gorilla. It really hurts her feelings but she will not stand up for herself. She is afraid if she tells the teacher, she will get sent to the office. THis usually happens at recess so its not her teacher. The teachers dont see the mean kid doing anything so they cant discipline them. DD has told on them before and nothing happened so she doesnt even bother now. But she is a gifted child who now hates school. We have contacted the principal and he says he will take care of it, but it continues.

This IS bullying!

 

[SnowWhite607]

This IS bullying!

And they have signs all over the school about how bullying is not tolerated, etc...

 

[livndisney]

And they have signs all over the school about how bullying is not tolerated, etc...

The school my DD went to had a ZERO tolerance for bullies AND a ZERO tolerance for racism. The bullies my DD encountered as far as I know are still there because the "principal" didn't see what happened. I heard these boys scream horrible things at my first grader and when I told them to stop, I was told by the "principal" that I was not allowed to do that. That I was not allowed to speak to other people's children. I guess "Zero" means different things to different people.

 

[Shelton123]

OK being a teen, and having gone through all of it I can tell you that there is absolutely, positively no such thing as "just ignoring it". It's impossible. If someone is following you around, you can't help but to react. It's just human instinct. I suggest you contact the kid's parents. I went to what Forbes magazine called the best school system in the country, and they didn't do anything when I was being bullied. You have to go straight to the source, the kid and the kid's parents. The parents will (more likely than not) make sure the kid doesn't do it again. If you ask me, and I'm not a complete expert but I know a thing or two, your offspring doesn't have poor social skills. You say just one girl is bothering her a bunch, but actually that just means that the girl just doesn't know how to treat other people who are different. Bullies suck, and it only gets worse as the kid gets older. But make sure your kid isn't the bully, that's the worst thing to deal with. Talk to the parents, and it might stop.

 

[disykat]

Talk to the teacher first. Tell her it is unacceptable to you that your dd be required to play with someone who is bullying her. If she won't change the plan, THEN go to the principal.

Going straight to the principal without first notifying the teacher that her plan is unacceptable to you is skipping a step. I think it will give the prinicpal a bad impression of you if you skip this step.

If you absolutely must talk to the principal because you think the teacher won't be receptive, send an email to the teacher and cc the principal.

Two bullies don't make a right. To me, sending the principal to tell the teacher that I didn't like her solution would make ME feel like a bully.

 

[Matt'sMom]

My DD8 has a little girl at school that wont stop calling her names and following her around... ughh... any advice??

Ok, I know this is a bit different advice than much of what has been posted... but it could be a very constructive, alternative approach.

You have a wonderful opportunity here to teach your daughter some very useful life lessons. We can not ever control the actions and choices of other people--we can only control our own actions, choices and responses. Attempting to control the behavior of the 'bully' is not a very constructive approach, so why not focus instead on teaching your daughter how to respond to such situations? Teach her how to NOT be co-dependent (how to not base her self image and self esteem on what others, esp. 'bullies', may say about her). Teach her how to live a value based lifestyle, making choices based on her own core values (not reacting in an emotional manner). Teach her how to form healthy personal boundaries in regards to how she is willing to be treated... and then equally healthy, contrustive consequences on how she will respond when her boundaries are violated. Lots of good literature on these subjects, if you need help regarding how to do this. Just search for books on 'co-dep', 'values', and 'boundaries' (I personally like anything by 'Drs. Cloud & Townsend', or Melody Beattie).

 

[OceanAnnie]

My DD8 has a little girl at school that wont stop calling her names and following her around. I wrote a note to the teacher, adn now the teacher has 'designed' a schedule for my DD and her BFF to play with this child every day of the week. Seems like my kid and her bff are the ones being punished. I am so frustrated! My kid has been complaining about this kid since Sept. I am afraid that if I get the principal involved the teacher will take it out on my dd. My dd doesnt need to come home crying. ughh... any advice?? Should I contact this other kids mom?

I'm baffled by the teacher's response. Truly.

I've coached my kids to tell bullies, "I'm not going to play with you if you aren't nice.". If your DD isn't comfortable with this child, she shouldn't be put in that situation.

Something would have to change. I'd want my DD comfortable at school. Bullying isn't acceptable. Your DD isn't a teaching tool.

 

[mjkacmom]

Talk to the teacher first. Tell her it is unacceptable to you that your dd be required to play with someone who is bullying her. If she won't change the plan, THEN go to the principal.

Going straight to the principal without first notifying the teacher that her plan is unacceptable to you is skipping a step. I think it will give the prinicpal a bad impression of you if you skip this step.

If you absolutely must talk to the principal because you think the teacher won't be receptive, send an email to the teacher and cc the principal.

Two bullies don't make a right. To me, sending the principal to tell the teacher that I didn't like her solution would make ME feel like a bully.

The first thing the principal is going to ask is if you have already spoken to the teacher, and if not, I doubt she's going to interfere.

 

[LovinPooh]

Well my DD went to school yesterday and immediately started throwing up. I think it was nerves myself. She came home and she was fine. I sent in a note to teacher saying this was unacceptable and my dd shouldnt be punished. My goal was to go see the principal afterschool, but never got there. Her bff's mom went and talked to the teacher tough. The teachers response 'it doesnt happen in front of me'.... But in the next breath admitted the the kid bullys all the other kids. A new plan of attack is to be come up with today. And if it isnt acceptable, I will be in the principals office myself. I told DD this morning, not to let anyone get to her, cause she has me on her side.
thanks again for everyones help

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well my DD went to school yesterday and immediately started throwing up. I think it was nerves myself. She came home and she was fine. I sent in a note to teacher saying this was unacceptable and my dd shouldnt be punished. My goal was to go see the principal afterschool, but never got there. Her bff's mom went and talked to the teacher tough. The teachers response 'it doesnt happen in front of me'.... But in the next breath admitted the the kid bullys all the other kids. A new plan of attack is to be come up with today. And if it isnt acceptable, I will be in the principals office myself. I told DD this morning, not to let anyone get to her, cause she has me on her side.
thanks again for everyones help

Thanks for the update. I know what it is like. Most bullies are smart enough to harass others when the teacher isn't looking. My kids have heard teacher's statements such as, "I didn't/don't see it.", "It was probably an accident.", oh and my favorite, "Are you tattling?", among other things. The tattling statement really gets my goat because the victim gets it both ways. Harassment and a let down. What are they supposed to do, just keep taking it? I do what can on my end. And I try to help them help themselves on their end.

I've told my kids if and when they have had a child get physical, to yell out, "Why did you hit me, Charlie?!". "Stop hitting me, Charlie!", Or, "Ow Charlie, that hurt!!". (In your case, OP, have your child say loudly, "Stop calling me names, Ava. I don't like it.".) It gets the teacher's attention and it must be dealt with at that time, because the whole class hears it. My child wouldn't have the "tattletale" or accident statement. And something will be done. Win-win. I also tell them if they are on the playground and someone is bothering you, move closer to the teachers. Let the teachers see/hear what is going on. If the bully continues their behavior they will get themselves in trouble.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Well my DD went to school yesterday and immediately started throwing up. I think it was nerves myself. She came home and she was fine. I sent in a note to teacher saying this was unacceptable and my dd shouldnt be punished. My goal was to go see the principal afterschool, but never got there. Her bff's mom went and talked to the teacher tough. The teachers response 'it doesnt happen in front of me'.... But in the next breath admitted the the kid bullys all the other kids. A new plan of attack is to be come up with today. And if it isnt acceptable, I will be in the principals office myself. I told DD this morning, not to let anyone get to her, cause she has me on her side.
thanks again for everyones help

My older son went through this in the first grade. In the end, we had the school move him to a different class. The teacher in his class was old and didn't really care. She clearly was not going to change the behavior, and it was causing my son to get ill just thinking about going to school. Honestly, he was afraid of the teacher more than the bully.

Once he was moved to the new class, he became a happy student once again within days. He still saw the other kid every once in a while on the playground, but not enough for it to bother him...

 

[disykat]

I think you did the right thing talking to the teacher first. I don't see a problem with the teacher's comment that it doesn't happen in front of her - unless it was followed by inaction or refusal to believe you. Teachers don't always see everything, nor do parents. We have to help each other out! It sounds like when the parents pointed out that the plan was not acceptable to them or their children, she was willing to change that plan.