How to address delicate situation?

[NotUrsula]

Um, really *you* can't. She's obviously what I would call a nursing nazi, and it tends to be the case that any criticism of technique is taken by them as small-mindedness that needs correction. Openly NIP isn't just feeding for those folks; it's a crusade, and they tend to counter any noticed embarassment on the part of bystanders by forcing the issue. (Let me note here that I'm an extended breastfeeder myself, and I don't use coverup blankets -- baby won't tolerate them. I *do* wear a nursing bra and alternate sides, and while I don't wear specialized nursing tops, I do wear looser shirts or those that I can unbutton from the bottom. People near me know that I'm nursing, but are not seeing more than a fleeting flash of any of my anatomy unless they are deliberately staring.)

Your brother can say something, but he has to want to, and from your description of the water-park episode, he probably doesn't want to, for whatever reason. (FTR, while I have no issues whatsoever with NIP, pumping in public is another matter. WAY too cumbersome and unpleasantly exposed. I don't know ANYONE who is comfortable pumping in mixed company in public.

The only tack you *might* be able to get some results with is to complement her on her lack of vanity. After all, not wearing a nursing bra leaves her at the mercy of the effects of gravity, and it's permanent for most people. She's going to have REALLY saggy b00bs if she keeps this up long-term.

In the case of the restaurant, why don't the rest of you just leave? If the check has been paid and you were about to get up anyway, then just go. Tell her that you'll leave baby to eat in peace and you'll see them later.

Above all, try not to show any embarassment (that goes for Granddad, too.)
It will undoubtedly just inspire her to new heights of exhibitionism.

FWIW, I think her tactics will backfire on her soon enough, if her baby is young. As they get older they get easily distracted, and if you don't try to find a somewhat quiet area to minimize the distractions, they will graze, constantly look around, and not settle down to a steady feed. This tends to have a negative effect on supply over time.

PS: Let me say that the diaper rash comment just tends to support my original contention. However, for the poor baby, I have an answer: the milk. Tell your brother to take some of that pumped breastmilk and smear it on the rash -- in most cases it will really help.

 

[mickeyboat]

A lot of babies do not like to be covered while nursing. And moms want to be able to see their babies - covering might not the the best option. It is also a lot easier to let it all hang out when you are feeding, especially when you are still getting used to it.

But there are definitely ways to breastfeed discretely without having to cover up with a blanket. Nursingwear has come a long way. I saw a woman breastfeeding her daughter at the park yesterday, and I hardly noticed (I happened to be looking when she was unbuttoning her blouse).

I think the only way you will get anywhere is if someone talks to them - tell them straight out it makes you uncomfortable. Do your best to remove yourselves from the viscinity when she nurses, if you can. If you are at a restaurant, leave the table, avert your eyes.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[Cool-Beans]

I see no reason to address it. Just stop eating out with them for a while.

Or, if she only does it after dinner, leave immediately.

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

You don't need to be subtle to get corndog's requested photos--SIL is not being subtle, so why should you? Just snap a few, then ask Brother if he can get in there with the massaging so you can get a shot of that too. You'll probably get in some trouble when you try to post the pics here though!

 

[Bren's Mom]

Why would anyone need to pump in public--...?

There are plenty of reason why one might need to pump in public. But I can tell you, as a champion pumper myself, that it can be done with no 'baring' of anything. LOL...I even pumped once at a state fair...my sister said she just HAD to take my pic...um, ok...and when I saw that pic I LOL!!!! I was sitting in front of a building labeled 'Milking Station'.

Anyway, back to the 'both girls out' gal. I think that you have 2 choices: walk away or be sure you don't put yourself in the situation for the next year(s) until she's done bf'ing or sit down and talk to her, tell her what you told us, that's it's not the bf'ing but the 'extra' girl and complete lack of modesty.

Good luck!

 

[agnes!]

Ok.. you give me suggestions on pulling that off subtley and i'll see what i can do!

I don't think subtlety will do in this case...something along the lines of a 2x4 upside her head might work .

agnes!
PS - NotUrsula's suggestion about gravity and vanity sounds good .

 

[Cindy's Mom]

My personality is such that I would just tell SIL, "to cover up" plain and simple. She is making you and your family members uncomfortable. Why tip toe around it?

She's rude, so I'd be rude right back at her. If she doesn't take my advice, everytime she whips one out, I'd say something and leave the room, restaurant, wave pool....whatever.

Lifes too short to be around people who annoy you.

 

[kidshop]

Well, having nursed 3 kids myself and I have known a few other bfer's I have never in my life seen/heard of someone behaving like this. (beyond the wild stories of those who are 'disgusted' by a baby being bfed) Most moms who nurse just want to feed their baby. So, I do not think you have a bfing problem, your sil is abnormal. I would just stop hanging around her, especially in public. I think it is fine if you are uncomfortable to leave the situation. As a person who is comfortable around nursing, *I* would not go places with her LOL! If she asked I would tell her why too!

 

[scottishduffy]

Yeah, we are cutting down on public outings. However, we can not just ignore them until the baby is done BF'ing. We all want to see the little guy and be a part of his life so this is bound to come up.

Cutting down does help the frequency but the fact remains we want to see baby and the new parents are desperate to get out of the house (can't blame them). So when it comes up again, we are prepared.

Thanks for all the suggestions thus far. I will try to address it somewhat directly and see what happens. I just hope i don't tick her off.

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

Buy her a Hooter Hider:

http://www.mom4life.com/catalog.php?item=21

Just say - " I saw this and thought you might like it, it's all the rage." She may get the hint. That sucka is so big, it'll cover the most largest of hooters.

 

[corndog]

Ok.. you give me suggestions on pulling that off subtley and i'll see what i can do!

Somehow I don't think she would mind.

 

[EpcotBeauty]

Words that immediately come to mind:

Rude
Inconsiderate
Selfish
Show-off
Ignorant
Exhibitionist
Self-centered


I'm all for breast feeding if that is what one chooses, but one can also be discreet about it - rather than putting on a side show..

You summed up exactly what I was thinking.

 

[mickeysgal]

It is so hard to figure a way to cover her up without seeming unsupportive. .

Covering up and being supportive are two very different issues.

So far it seems that talks so far with the brother aren't getting anyone anywhere. Has anyone talked directly to her? You can always be straight and to the point.

Massaging while pumping while out in public. That's just strange beyond strange.

In the meantime, limit your exposure to them. No one said you had to put up with it if you are uncomfortable.

 

[kristilew]

Cutting down does help the frequency but the fact remains we want to see baby and the new parents are desperate to get out of the house (can't blame them). So when it comes up again, we are prepared.

Yes, you do need to stay in this little guy's life. He will obviously grow up with some issues and need someone to turn to who's not all about themselves!

 

[tasha99]

I came here prepared to say "Let her feed her baby!" but she sounds like she's causing the problem. The pumping/massage bit is beyond the pale. Sounds like she and her husband are exhibitionists.

 

[Feralpeg]

Based on your description of the situation, it isn't about the good of the baby. Your SIL is all about showing off her breasts. For some reason, she thinks it is cool and the baby is giving her an excuse to let it all hang out. If I were in your situation, I would stop going places with them. If they ask why, tell them the truth. If she can breastfeed discreetly, you will be more than willing to be with them. If not, they are on their own. JMHO.

 

[northcapemaymom]

One "girl" hanging out for everyone to see- okay, it's a fact of life; not optimal, but definitely excusable since there's a nursing baby involved (I'm all for BF - did for 2 kids).

Two "girls" hanging about - exhibitism. There's no reason for it unless another baby is attached, too. Does she sit there totally topless? That could be messy. I know I had to 'double-cover' the free one when I was BF because sometimes the let-down reflex happened in both "ladies" at the same time. (Sorry if TMI )

Someone should just say to cover up a little, if she doesn't leave the area. She can nurse without the audience. Good Luck!

 

[bethy]

the answer is you don't. for whatever reason (and she may have valid ones), this is her behavior and you can't control it. you can control yours, however. for instance, if you are done eating at the restaurant as stated above, there is no need for you to stay for a 30 minute feeding session...just say it was great getting together, looking forward to the next outing, then go.

for example 3, um, wow, that is some level of comfort she has! In that case, why not head off to a slide or lazy river or something.

the thing is, you are uncomfortable and she is not. you can both meet your needs...just remove yourself from the situations that make you uncomfortable.

for what its worth, I did bf in public but didn't go on display...only one breast at a time, and the baby or my shirt pretty much covered the situation. my kids HATED blankets/burp clothes over them, so that didn't happen in my world. still, it was not easy (unless you were looking) to see even an inch of breast, and certainly you never saw more than people see at the beach or on network tv.

I agree with this. Plus if she is really doing this to garner attention then don't encourage that by giving her even more attention. Also if you make an issue of it it sounds like that might must egg her on.

After awhile anyone seeing her breasts is bound to adapt and get used to it and it won't seem like as big a deal.

I see stuff all the time that makes me uncomfortable. Tis life.

 

[Keggy]

You say you couldn't leave at the restaurant, but you could have. You could have waited outside for her. You could have waited in the waiting area for her. You didn't need to wait at the table while she went on display.

When she asks why - tell her!!

 

[puffkin]

There are plenty of reason why one might need to pump in public. But I can tell you, as a champion pumper myself, that it can be done with no 'baring' of anything. LOL...I even pumped once at a state fair...my sister said she just HAD to take my pic...um, ok...and when I saw that pic I LOL!!!! I was sitting in front of a building labeled 'Milking Station'.

That is so funny

I think she just likes the attention. As soon as she starts to go from feeding the baby to being and exhibitionist, I would just excuse myself and leave or wait for her outside. Eventually she will either figure it out or ask you why.