How to address delicate situation?

[scottishduffy]

Ok, this has recently brought up much discussion in ym family and nobody really knows how to address it. it has to do with my SIL and breastfeeding ner new baby. let me preface the story by saying we all support breastfeeding and believe it is best for the baby. It just has become very awkward.

Our issue if that SIL seems to really love breastfeeding in public. It is literally Ta-ta's on parade. every single time we are out somewhere she breast feeds in public without any cover up (well, besides the baby himself ).

now if we happen to be out when his feeding time rolls around, that is perfectly fine. But she homestly seems to wait for optimum public exposure. Even in front of family friends we are meeting for the first time she is all about public displays. It has become a runnign joke but uncomfortable at the same time.

Ex 1: At a restaurant, check is paid and everyone is ready to leave. SIL and Brother live 5 minutes away, baby is calm. yet she says "Before we go home let me feed!" Pops open her shirt and we all wait another 30 minutes while she feeds instead of waiting the 5 minutes to feed baby at home.

Ex 2: baby gets fed at 9... we are meeting for breakfast 10 and she waits until we get to restaurant to feed baby. Why not feed before if his regular time is 9?

Ex 3: At a crowded water park she undoes her bikini top in front of 300 people at a wave pool and proceeds to pump herself for 20 minutes. No cover up, my brother helping massage her breasts a bit. Once again Ta-ta's on parade as they picked a central table and did not even put a towel over her breasts of maybe sit in a table off to the side. Hubby felt very embarassed and many others gave snide comments to them.

This has become very awkward for my husband (who while he knows breastfeeding is natural is still skeeved out by seeing his SIL's ****s) and my father (who is modest and this bothers him too). She never uses a burp blanket as a cover and has both ****s out instead of just popping out the one needed. I am happy she is breastfeeding as it is great for the baby. But how can we encourage modesty? The guys in the family are feeling very uncomfortable when put in situation where they have to watch.

We don't mind breastfeeding him on time (if we happen to be out), or at home, or even in public with a small towel to cover her breasts (cause she pops them both out and one is always hanging out there unused). How do we delicately get SIL to cover up a bit? Or if it is Ex:1 (which happens a lot) how do we suggest to feed at home? We are at a loss as we want to be supportive of breastfeeding and don't want to seem like perv's staring at her ****s. Any suggestions for how to get her to at least cover up??

 

[Disneyland1084]

You mean she actually doesn't cover up while breastfeeding in public? I would politely ask her to do so. If she gets defensive, well then, I don't know.

 

[hentob]

Ex 3: At a crowded water park she undoes her bikini top in front of 300 people at a wave pool and proceeds to pump herself for 20 minutes. No cover up, my brother helping massage her breasts a bit.

Ewwwww

And I was a breastfeeder. This is strange.

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

I can't believe there are no responses to this yet! I am not at all alarmed by breastfeeding in public, but letting everything hang out is unnecessary for sure. And having husband massage while pumping?!!?!? I am not sure how to address this one, but I would be hesitant to go out in public with her for now.

 

[mtemm]

the answer is you don't. for whatever reason (and she may have valid ones), this is her behavior and you can't control it. you can control yours, however. for instance, if you are done eating at the restaurant as stated above, there is no need for you to stay for a 30 minute feeding session...just say it was great getting together, looking forward to the next outing, then go.

for example 3, um, wow, that is some level of comfort she has! In that case, why not head off to a slide or lazy river or something.

the thing is, you are uncomfortable and she is not. you can both meet your needs...just remove yourself from the situations that make you uncomfortable.

for what its worth, I did bf in public but didn't go on display...only one breast at a time, and the baby or my shirt pretty much covered the situation. my kids HATED blankets/burp clothes over them, so that didn't happen in my world. still, it was not easy (unless you were looking) to see even an inch of breast, and certainly you never saw more than people see at the beach or on network tv.

 

[hentob]

for instance, if you are done eating at the restaurant as stated above, there is no need for you to stay for a 30 minute feeding session...just say it was great getting together, looking forward to the next outing, then go.

I agree with this. You are not obligated to stay.

 

[Mkrop]

I would either talk to your brother and let him know that while you want to be supportive some people, ie the guys, esp dad, are a little embarrassed.

Or if you have a good relationship with them can you make a joke about it when she pops out #2 that there really isnt a reason for both "girls' to be out unless "girl #1" is lonely.

otherwise

 

[C.Ann]

Words that immediately come to mind:

Rude
Inconsiderate
Selfish
Show-off
Ignorant
Exhibitionist
Self-centered


I'm all for breast feeding if that is what one chooses, but one can also be discreet about it - rather than putting on a side show..

 

[KATHINOWA]

I think you're in a tough spot because if you say something to her about covering up, she will be offended. I breasfed 3 kids for a year without having to do it in a restaurant and without giving the world a free show so I do think it's possible.

Let her know how supportive you are of her breastfeeding but maybe politely suggest she cover up when in public.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Answer is, just excuse yourself, leave the restaurant, room, house, etc...
Also don't go to anymore restaurants with her....duh. I would make up excuses not to go.

 

[Michelle67]

Okay...wow.

My first thought when I started to read was "BACK OFF! The baby has a right to eat whenever and wherever it gets hungry! Nobody should have to leave, nobody should have to go feed their child in a bathroom, etc."

In general...yeah, that's my feelings on the matter.

Then I read more and realized that you are saying this lady just lets it ALL hang out. Holy cow.

I don't have any polite advice, but I have some rude advice. In other words, I'll tell you exactly how my husband would deal with it. He would make some kind of overt comment which I probably shouldn't type here, either critiquing the goods, thanking her for displaying them, asking if he can help massage the milk down...or something equally shocking. Then when she was offended, he would ask her why she was hanging them out if she didn't want anybody looking or commenting. "You were advertising, so why are you surprised that I'm shopping?"

At which point I would probably want to crawl under the table and die...but she'd have gotten the point.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Ex 1: At a restaurant, check is paid and everyone is ready to leave. SIL and Brother live 5 minutes away, baby is calm. yet she says "Before we go home let me feed!" Pops open her shirt and we all wait another 30 minutes while she feeds instead of waiting the 5 minutes to feed baby at home. Why did anyone else stay?? You were all ready to leave...just leave and let them stay to feed the baby, if that's what they want to do.

Ex 2: baby gets fed at 9... we are meeting for breakfast 10 and she waits until we get to restaurant to feed baby. Why not feed before if his regular time is 9? Most people who breastfeed do so on demand, not a scheduled time. Does anyone really follow a schedule of feeding, breast or bottle, anymore? That's sounds so 50's/60's.

Ex 3: At a crowded water park she undoes her bikini top in front of 300 people at a wave pool and proceeds to pump herself for 20 minutes. No cover up, my brother helping massage her breasts a bit. Once again Ta-ta's on parade as they picked a central table and did not even put a towel over her breasts of maybe sit in a table off to the side. Hubby felt very embarassed and many others gave snide comments to them. Why is she pumping?? If she's so comfortable breastfeeding in public, it seems odd that she'd have a reason to pump. But yeah, her DH massaging her breasts, and even the whole pumping thing in public is pretty weird. The reason to feed a baby in public is because the baby is hungry...not sure why you'd pump in public.

for what its worth, I did bf in public but didn't go on display...only one breast at a time, and the baby or my shirt pretty much covered the situation. my kids HATED blankets/burp clothes over them, so that didn't happen in my world. still, it was not easy (unless you were looking) to see even an inch of breast, and certainly you never saw more than people see at the beach or on network tv.

Same here.

 

[agnes!]

...I'm all for breast feeding if that is what one chooses, but one can also be discreet about it - rather than putting on a side show..

Hmmmm... I would say that in this case SIL is not the side show but sounds like she wants to be the main event .

agnes!

 

[C.Ann]

Hmmmm... I would say that in this case SIL is not the side show but sounds like she wants to be the main event .

agnes!

-----------------------------

Agreed..

 

[corndog]

It's really not possible for me to comment intelligently on this matter without pictures.

 

[punkin]

Okay...wow.

My first thought when I started to read was "BACK OFF! The baby has a right to eat whenever and wherever it gets hungry! Nobody should have to leave, nobody should have to go feed their child in a bathroom, etc."

In general...yeah, that's my feelings on the matter.

Then I read more and realized that you are saying this lady just lets it ALL hang out. Holy cow.

My feelings exactly.

Now about your brother massaging her in public. That's just insane. Something is wrong with both of them.

 

[scottishduffy]

Yeah, it is nothing against breast feeding. The whole family is 100% supportive of that. It is the exhibitionism that is proving bothersome for the guys. It is a bit awkward for my mom and I as well but at least we are women so it somehwat "OK" for us to see another womans breasts. The guys are having a tough time with this as it is almost always at meal and unless we pick up our plates and leave (very obvious and would tick her off) we are stuck. In Ex:1 we were supposed to go their house afterward anyway and were stuck waiting for them since they have the keys. The waterpark incident was also during lunch time.

It is so hard to figure a way to cover her up without seeming unsupportive. Maybe we will have my Mom try talking to my bro, but so far other suggestions have fallen on deaf ears with him (Poor baby has had a diaper rash for 3 months because creams are unnatural...but that is a different story and unrelated here).

Do you think if I happened to bring a kercheif next time (i sometime put them in my hair) and offered it to cover up the extra Ta-ta it would go over well? She is usually a modest person but has been so darn loud & proud with breast feeding. Keeping baby on schedule is one thing but it feels like she advertising her breast feeding capabilties.

 

[NMAmy]

Ex 3: At a crowded water park she undoes her bikini top in front of 300 people at a wave pool and proceeds to pump herself for 20 minutes. No cover up, my brother helping massage her breasts a bit. Once again Ta-ta's on parade as they picked a central table and did not even put a towel over her breasts of maybe sit in a table off to the side. Hubby felt very embarassed and many others gave snide comments to them.

The whole thing is weird but this part just takes the cake. Why would anyone need to pump in public--much less have her husband assist?

She seems like an exhibitionist and she thinks breastfeeding has now given her free license to show off the goods whenever she'd like. Frankly, I don't think there is any polite way to talk to her about this but it doesn't seem like she's being especially polite herself.

Like others, I'd have left the restaurant, if possible, when she starts this behavior. And I'd have been miles away at the wave pool. In my family, she'd have had many smarty pants comments by now but that's just the way we are.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think one of the SIL's needs to have a quiet private chat and just let her know exactly what you said here. You are all 100% supportive, you are by no means infering that she needs to hide to feed her child, BUT a little bit of modesty would go a long way.

As for the pumping/massaging in public, that IMO is WAY over the top of reasonable behavior.

 

[scottishduffy]

It's really not possible for me to comment intelligently on this matter without pictures.

Ok.. you give me suggestions on pulling that off subtley and i'll see what i can do!