How or should I, answer my sisters email...?

[becjlek]

I would let my dad know that his health was the most important thing and if he feels that is would not be best for him to go then he should follow his instinct. Is there anyway you could hint to your sister that his doctor doesn't feel that he should go? My grandma couldn't come to our wedding for similar reasons. I know she wanted to be there but I would much rather have her in my life for a long time than for a short time at my wedding.

 

[dimimi]

I would be very upset if my parents didn't come to my child's wedding. Someitmes it is a bit of a challenge to get somewhere when you aren't feeling 100% but often, once you get to where you are going, you have fun and are glad you came. I would be encouraging my parents to attend.

Just my opinion.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would be very upset if my parents didn't come to my child's wedding. Someitmes it is a bit of a challenge to get somewhere when you aren't feeling 100% but often, once you get to where you are going, you have fun and are glad you came. I would be encouraging my parents to attend.

Just my opinion.

Would you do this if it was detrimental to their health or if you knew how difficult the trip would be for them? I am not talking about healthy older people, I mean if there are aging parents who would compromise their overall condition.

 

[disykat]

My grandmother didn't come to my wedding and I understood. She just wasn't up to flying anymore. I flew to visit her the summer before my wedding. She and her friends were already making their plans for my wedding celebration, which they did weeks later.

They dressed up, watched the video we made and the pictures we sent, and had refreshments. I think she invited about 5 friends and they had a lovely time. Many of them were in the same boat with their own grandchildren's weddings. It still makes me smile thinking about how she "participated" in my wedding.

I was initially disappointed that she couldn't come, of course, but I never would have pressed her. I was just thrilled she was able to be part of my day in her own way - and we made a point to try to include her. She was my only grandparent still living at the time and lived long enough to meet both of my children. Grandma lived into her nineties - but for the last 10 years of her life, WE visited HER.

OP, while I agree to a point that it is your parent's decision, I would also encourage them to do what is best for their health in consultation with their medical professionals. They should not let themselves be pressured into something they can't handle.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Just for the record my parents are both 100% capable of making their own decision on this trip. My concern is that my sister will try to guilt trip my dad into going. With dad's health my biggest concern is the potential for him to get blood clots from sitting too long without being able to move around. My sister claims that it's a bunch of hooey since he and mom will drive 2 hours one way to go shopping or to the casino. But dad is able to stretch out his legs in the car or stop at a rest area. If I have to I'm going to play the health "card" if he decides not to go and she won't leave him alone.

 

[Tinks]

I think I will suggest that if they all want to come to visit I'd be happy to host them, get a hotel at my expense etc... But I know they won't come. I had asked her if she would consider coming to visit this summer for Dad's upcoming 80th birthday and she flat told me no. They have too much going on with the wedding. (I was hoping that I could get both my sister and brother to come as a surprise to Dad for his birthday, but that obviously got shot down )

Just to play the Devil's advocate here: if I were in your sister's shoes, I'm not sure I would have come. I would then feel that Mom and Pop would say, "we aren't coming to the wedding (health reasons and all) and anyway, we just saw you for Pop's 80th birthday so it's okay."

Seriously. Maybe she was thinking that.

BTW, I'm in the let Mom and Dad handle it camp. They are sound enough to make their own decision. Support whatever decision they make. Your sister may be bitter, but too bad.

I think it's nice of you to offer to have her family at your place.

 

[disneymom3]

I think that your sister is being very selfish. I would let your parents know that you support them in whatever decision that they make. If your sister is so worried about when they might see their great granddaughters, then maybe she should make the effort to bring them to your parents, not the other way around. My father is blind and partially deaf, I would never expect him to travel 4 1/2 plus hours just to attend my son's wedding if he didn't feel up to it. If her son was so "close" to his grandfather, he would have been keeping in contact with him.

As far as your rebuttal, I have mixed feelings about it.

Exactly! I hate when people expect the older person to come to them. What is that about!!? Selfish much? Good grief. When I had my third baby, my mom's health was not so good. She lived 2000 miles away and he was born in the winter. She didn't come out to see us even though she had been here for the birth of the other two kids. It was hard to not have her here, but for goodness sake, I sure didnt' expect her to put her health at risk to satisfy me.

 

[Cindy B]

I know how your sister is feeling.

I am graduating college in 7 weeks. I am an adult student and I invited my parents to come to graduation.

They don't want to come. It's not like they can't for health reasons, but they just don't want to come. I can't tell you how sad I feel about this. I am the first generation to graduate from college.

My parents went to my sisters Air Force school graduation, her basic training graduation and all her promotion ceremonies....

It hurts.. it really does.


It is hard to imagine the shoe on the other foot.. but it does happen.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I know how your sister is feeling.

I am graduating college in 7 weeks. I am an adult student and I invited my parents to come to graduation.

They don't want to come. It's not like they can't for health reasons, but they just don't want to come. I can't tell you how sad I feel about this. I am the first generation to graduate from college.

My parents went to my sisters Air Force school graduation, her basic training graduation and all her promotion ceremonies....

It hurts.. it really does.


It is hard to imagine the shoe on the other foot.. but it does happen.

I can totally understand how my sister will feel hurt if dad and mom don't attend. However, I also see how hurt my dad is that my sister and her kids/grandkids have shown no interest in coming to see them.

 

[agnes!]

When I read the OP, I thought there must be some history here. And I was right. If I were in your shoes, I think my e-mail would be something along the lines of "Sorry I butted in. I will support whatever Dad & Mom decide." and then leave it alone. You haven't apologized for what you said, just that you said/wrote anything.
I do understand...your folks are elderly & you're concerned *but* they are still adults. They get to decide for themselves. That being said, what you have planned sounds very nice - 1st Class tkts and a condo to chare. You are going as well, correct? If you are along, you can drive your folks around and perhaps squire them through airport security, etc.

Hope it all works out.
agnes!

 

[dimimi]

If the father was going to get blood clots and couldn't move around, then no, he shouldn't go. I also don't like that they won't come to his 80th birthday, however I can understand the $ issue. Whew...I'm glad this isn't my problem.

My whole family lives around the country. I hope, if at at possible, we all attend each others weddings!

 

[willis37862]

Honestly, I WOULD get involved for a couple of reasons, the primary of which is he's your father as well, and you have equal say in his safety, health and comfort. Secondly, your sister brought you into this situation by way of telling you her thoughts, which then allows you to state your thoughts in rebuttal. I were in your shoes, I'd most definitely 110% make sure my opinion was known, unpopular as she will think it is. Frankly, I'd also not be particularly polite about it at all and not hold back. Sounds like your sister needs a verbal slap in the face of reality.

Your father's health and well being are much, MUCH more important than a memorable photo op. Many apologies to those posters that treasure those memories (I agree that those pictures must be lovely, very much so), but I would put my Dad's health before my desire to have him attend a wedding. As much as I'd love to have him there, I would understand why he wasn't able to participate and I certainly wouldn't begrudge his decision.

The very idea that your sister wants your father to potentially risk his health and well-being simply because he can be at her son's wedding is incredibly self centered. Somehow, given what you've said about your nephew's relationship with his grandfather, the groom to be likely wouldn't care. It's your sister that does. It's not her flippin' wedding.

You're entirely correct, and I read a little too deeply into the email. If Dad were completely within his capabilities to state his opinion, I'd support whatever he decided. Given his health, nevertheless I'd still watch him like a hawk for fear that something might go wrong.

But at the same token, if I knew Dad were being cajoled and guilted into attending, regardless of her concern for his health, I'd still make sure my voice were heard. It sounds as if, per the OP, that this is typical, selfish behavior on the part of the sister. I'd have weighed that in with my thoughts and how I reacted. I'd leave Dad out of it, but rip a new one on my sibling if I were in that situation.

I totally agree with Rick's posts. None of my husbands grandparents made it to our wedding, their health wouldn't hold up for the long trip it would require. Did we wish they were there? Yes of course but we totally understood and wanted them to take care of themselves so they would be around to visit with later. ( We have visited with them many times over the years and we have always had to go to them and that's just fine) Wedding pictures of the whole family are nice but putting people's health at risk just isn't worth it. I think if you love someone you understand their physical limitations and you don't guilty them into things that might harm them.

 

[mjkacmom]

Just for the record my parents are both 100% capable of making their own decision on this trip. My concern is that my sister will try to guilt trip my dad into going. With dad's health my biggest concern is the potential for him to get blood clots from sitting too long without being able to move around. My sister claims that it's a bunch of hooey since he and mom will drive 2 hours one way to go shopping or to the casino. But dad is able to stretch out his legs in the car or stop at a rest area. If I have to I'm going to play the health "card" if he decides not to go and she won't leave him alone.

If it's truly a heath concern, yes, absolutely, they should not attend, but they should let her know, and let her know how much they will miss not attending, instead of just assuming they're not attending. However, a 2 1/2 hour flight is not, IMHO, a reason to assume one is going to get blood clots - I flew 2 1/2 hours alone with 4 year old twins, and I have never gotten up and down so much in my life - if I never see the inside of an airplane bathroom again, it will be too soon!

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Well I talked to my dad last night. They are going to tell my sister that they will come "if at all possible". My sister is under a lot of stress right now and dad feels that if they tell her they aren't coming she will freak out. So, he's going to consult his doctor in a couple of months and see what he says, and how dad himself feels before he makes a final decision. I told him that I'd support whatever he chooses to do.

So at this point I'm not even going to talk to my sister about it. I feel that dad will opt not to go and at that point I may have to sit down and have a long talk with my sister about dad's health. Since she lives at a distance, we usually avoid telling her much of what is going on because she will freak out and is really too far away to do anything. While dad is sharp as a tack mentally, physically...well he will be 80 and tires easily. He was very athletic in his youth and has the bad knees, bad shoulder to show for it.

Thanks for all of the advice! Is it possible for the mother of the groom to turn into a "bridezilla"...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for all of the advice! Is it possible for the mother of the groom to turn into a "bridezilla"...

That is what I have been thinking... this is not even the bride, or the brides mother... but the mother of the groom..

I think you have an excellent take on the situation.
The more you post about your sister, and how she reacts 'freaks', I get a clearer picture... It sounds like she has high expectations, and can have a hard time handling reality. It sounds like psychologically, she sees your dad as his more youthful and vigorous self. Boy, do I see a major situation when your father does pass away...

I just wanted to say that the above issues are HER issues... And, if your parents decide that they can not make it, for any reason whatsoever, that is their decision to make. I would never advise anyone to make decisions because of somebody elses 'issues'.

Just remember, when it comes down to talking with your sister, having a negative attitude and painting her as a bad person will not help... be kind, and simply state reality.

 

[willis37862]

Well I talked to my dad last night. They are going to tell my sister that they will come "if at all possible". My sister is under a lot of stress right now and dad feels that if they tell her they aren't coming she will freak out. So, he's going to consult his doctor in a couple of months and see what he says, and how dad himself feels before he makes a final decision. I told him that I'd support whatever he chooses to do.

So at this point I'm not even going to talk to my sister about it. I feel that dad will opt not to go and at that point I may have to sit down and have a long talk with my sister about dad's health. Since she lives at a distance, we usually avoid telling her much of what is going on because she will freak out and is really too far away to do anything. While dad is sharp as a tack mentally, physically...well he will be 80 and tires easily. He was very athletic in his youth and has the bad knees, bad shoulder to show for it.

Thanks for all of the advice! Is it possible for the mother of the groom to turn into a "bridezilla"...

She sounds like a nightmare, I'm sorry you all have to deal with this I hope things work out for the best of your parents. Your sister might have to learn that you don't always get what you want.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

It sounds like psychologically, she sees your dad as his more youthful and vigorous self. Boy, do I see a major situation when your father does pass away...

I'm really dreading what her reaction (and my brothers) will be. She really is in denial about dad's age and health. We had a pretty bad summer 2 years ago - he had knee surgery and developed a staph infection. She was hysterical every time he had to go into the hospital- I'm really glad that she lived far enough away that she couldn't be here in person. I love her to death but she has her issues! She gets really angry when I don't tell her "every" detail about mom and dad's health but she can't deal with it when I do.

She and my brother also think that our Dad has millions of dollars "stashed" away somewhere. Totally not the case. I can already forsee that they are going to speculate that somehow I "took" dad's money when the reality is that we've been paying them for "childcare" for years. My kids are 11 and 17 - so the $420/month in "childcare" is a way for me to support my folks without them feeling like i'm supporting them. KWIM?

 

[poohandwendy]

I think you should stay out of it. It's between your parents and sister. Let them handle it.

 

[mickeyboat]

She and my brother also think that our Dad has millions of dollars "stashed" away somewhere. Totally not the case. I can already forsee that they are going to speculate that somehow I "took" dad's money when the reality is that we've been paying them for "childcare" for years. My kids are 11 and 17 - so the $420/month in "childcare" is a way for me to support my folks without them feeling like i'm supporting them. KWIM?

We are in a similar situation with DH's dad and sisters. I know there are going to be problems in the end, but I am here to support DH and his dad however they need.

 

[mom2grace]

She and my brother also think that our Dad has millions of dollars "stashed" away somewhere. Totally not the case. I can already forsee that they are going to speculate that somehow I "took" dad's money when the reality is that we've been paying them for "childcare" for years. My kids are 11 and 17 - so the $420/month in "childcare" is a way for me to support my folks without them feeling like i'm supporting them. KWIM?

OMG!! I think this needs to be addressed now, unless you don't want any kind of relationship with your siblings after your parents pass away. You can leave out the part about the 420 if it will make your parents uncomfortable, but they need to know there is no money if there isn't and they are counting on it!