How or should I, answer my sisters email...?

[simba928]

I just read bits and pieces of the thread, so I may have missed something.

My grandfather passed away about a week ago. He was on kidney dialysis for the past 2 years, had a pace maker implanted (if thats the right word) several years ago, has had diabetes for quite a long time (even though he always insisted that he was cured), and was just not doing well the past few years. I am the oldest of his 7 grandkids and we were the most important things in his life. The last few weeks when he was in the hospital, there was a whiteboard hanging on the wall and it said "What is important to me today". He had one of the nurses write "my grandkids, all 7 of them" next to it. He really was looking forward to seeing me graduate in June. At the funeral, my grandma kept saying "He never got to see her graduate and he really wanted that." I know for a fact that he would have moved heaven and earth just to be able to see me in my cap and gown getting my diploma. If he were still alive, the only thing that would keep him away would be if he were in the hospital and it were physically impossible for him to be. And he would have been devastated if that were the case. We would have had to videotape the whole thing for him and that would not have been close to making it up to him.

I guess all families are different. That is just how my Pap is, but I guess other people aren't like that. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

OMG!! I think this needs to be addressed now, unless you don't want any kind of relationship with your siblings after your parents pass away. You can leave out the part about the 420 if it will make your parents uncomfortable, but they need to know there is no money if there isn't and they are counting on it!

Believe me I have tried to address this - with my sister at least. My parents are trying to sell their house. It's over 5,500 square feet and is priced reasonably for what it is. It's been on the market for 2 years. I told my sister, the last time we were together that they needed to sell it for financial reasons...they have $XXX dollars in savings and are getting $XXX in retirement income. She was in total denial and basically blew me off... I told her that dad never made over $60k a year before he was retired and I'm not sure why she thinks he has millions saved up... She is the executor of their estate so she will find out eventually.

 

[Kirby]

She is the executor of their estate so she will find out eventually.

Does she know that she is the executor? From what little you have told us, it may be a BIG mistake for her to be the executor. Emotions run high when someone passes away, I speak from experience. You definately need someone level headed during that time. I know that it was your parents decision to name her executor but maybe they should re-think that.

 

[minniecarousel]

My younger DS is getting married in October in a town about a 3 hour drive from us. My 91 year-old Mom initially said that she wouldn't be going. (she has a pacemaker, had a triple by-pass and uses a walker because of her bads knees.) She is reconsidering and willing to wait to make the decision. If she can get cortisone shots in her knees a few days before, she may be able to go. It's sitting in the car for a long ride and spending a night in a motel that has her concerned. I'm glad that she's willing to wait on her final decision. My son knows that by having a "destination wedding" (nothing glamorous - just the college town they met at.) she may not be well enough to travel.

To the OP - support whatever decision your Dad makes and don't let sis bully him!

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Does she know that she is the executor? From what little you have told us, it may be a BIG mistake for her to be the executor. Emotions run high when someone passes away, I speak from experience. You definately need someone level headed during that time. I know that it was your parents decision to name her executor but maybe they should re-think that.

Yes she does know. They did that when I was in high school and figured she was more financially stable then my brother. Personally, while I wouldn't mind being executor, and it would be easier since I live here, I already know that it will be a huge ordeal regardless. If I was executor I know that my brother and sister would just assume that I was "hiding" things from them... Nope cleaner if she does it - even though it will be a train wreck. My personal opinion is that I hope the my mom and dad manage to spend every dime they ever made and enjoy themselves while doing it. It's their money after all.

 

[Feralpeg]

I went through a similar situation about four years ago. My DD, sister and I had just moved to Florida. My nephew was getting married in St. Louis. It had been very expensive to make the move to Florida. We had a ton of things we were trying to organize. To make matters worse, I have two cats and a dog. My sister also has two cats and a dog.

I contacted my brother and told him that we didn't think we would be able to make the trip back to St. Louis for the wedding. My brother threw a fit. He told me that this was the most important day of my nephew's life and that he would be very upset if we didn't attend. To make a long story short, we boarded six animals and flew back to St. Louis for the wedding. In addition to the cost of the airline tickets and boarding the pets, we had to pay for a hotel and taxis from the airport, to the rehearsal dinner, to the wedding and then to the reception at a country club. Not that big a deal, but I spoke to my nephew for all of about two minutes the entire time. DD, my sister and I were seated at tables with people we had never met. My brother and SIL sat with other people. I did speak to the bride for about five minutes.

Now, I wasn't really upset about the whole thing. It didn't really surprise me. I'd been through it before when attending my nephew and nieces graduations. We flew to Minnesota for those ceremonies. We stayed in a hotel because my SIL's families were staying at their home. And, we were pretty much ignored, so it was par for the course. What really got to me was when DD graduated. We invited my brother and SIL to her graduation. We offered to have them stay in our home. Nope. They were busy.

When the time comes for DD to get married, my brother better be the first to say that he will be attending. If not, I will personally go and drag his sorry behind to her wedding!

OP, I feel for your situation!

 

[disykat]

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who vastly underestimate how hard travel can be on some elderly people. As much as I would have loved to have my grandma at my wedding, if she had tried to come we would have talked her out of it! Her health was more important to me than her physical presence and I never would have been able to live with myself if my wedding caused her health to get even worse.

If a frail, elderly relative decides they are not able to travel anymore - even for important events -it doesn't mean they don't love you!

I lived in a neighborhood full of elderly couples for about 8 years and also have watched (from afar) my great aunts and uncles as they aged. I've seen many times where a tiring trip and coming home not feeling well meant months of recovery or never really bouncing back to their previous selves.

My parents are in their mid70's now and still healthy and able to travel. Hopefully they will be traveling well into their 80's and beyond. However, I know the day is coming when we will have to go to them. If that means they miss graduations and weddings of my children, that's just the way it will be. That's just part of living long distances from family.

 

[Kirby]

My personal opinion is that I hope the my mom and dad manage to spend every dime they ever made and enjoy themselves while doing it. It's their money after all.

I feel the same way about my parents. This may be a little morbid to some but you might suggest to them that they begin dispersing some of their things to the people they want them to go to instead of waiting until they are gone. If they don't want to do that, at least have them put it all in writing and maybe have it notarized. It may not save any arguments but at least everyone will know who gets what. Your parents are probably like mine and don't really own much of value but you would be surprised at the arguments that begin over insignificant items.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Mini-update. I never brought up the subject with my sister about Dad going to the wedding. Dad told her he would if he was able and I had already told her that he was going to run it by his doctor.

Our extended family does a "family newsletter" twice a year. I haven't received mine yet - but my Mom told me this morning that my sister was raving on and on in the newsletter about Dad, Mom and my family coming to the wedding. Dad's doctor appointment is the first week of June and I am insisting that if my mom doesn't go with him, I will. Dad is feeling that he really should go to the wedding but is willing to ask the doctor about traveling. (I know he "wants" to go but I'm concerned about whether he "should" go due to his health issues)

If the doctor clears Dad to travel I'm going to contact my sister and give her a few facts so she will be prepared. Dad and Mom can't negotiate stairs or walk very far. Dad just can't be on his feet for any length of time either. He is still trying to do too much around their house and usually pays for it by being unable to move without severe knee pain for several days. I think she needs to be prepared for the fact that just getting them there may result in Dad being in severe pain for days. I have already told Mom that I would arrange the airline tickets, transportation and hotel. She doesn't want Dad to try to drive in LA and I don't blame her.

Arrgh I wish this would all just go away! I was seriously considering not going myself just because of all the expense and we won't be able to spend much time with them anyway.

 

[cherylp3]

Does your dad have a wheelchair or could you possibly rent one for him?

Sorry that you are going through this and i hope your sister listens to you.

 

[scrapquitler]

I think that if I were in the OP position, I would stay out of it.

I would imagine that if the sister is acting like this, it is probably NOT the first time that she has displayed a "me, me, me" self centered attitude. The elderly parents have probably seen this behavior from the sister in the past and have probably dealt with it before. The parents should be allowed to make their own decisions about if they will or will not attend their grandsons wedding.

The only way I would get involved in this would be if I were the conservator of an incapacitated (i.e. alzheimers or something) parent.

If the OP interfers, it will likely totally sour relations within the family and maybe even turn the parents against her.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I think that if I were in the OP position, I would stay out of it.

I would imagine that if the sister is acting like this, it is probably NOT the first time that she has displayed a "me, me, me" self centered attitude. The elderly parents have probably seen this behavior from the sister in the past and have probably dealt with it before. The parents should be allowed to make their own decisions about if they will or will not attend their grandsons wedding.

If the OP interfers, it will likely totally sour relations within the family and maybe even turn the parents against her.

Actually my sister usually isn't like this. I'm not sure why she is so adament that they come for this wedding. She is always so concerned about my Dad's health and I purposely don't tell her everything because she will freak out over the least little thing. I'm just waiting for the Doctors opinion - the last thing I want is for my Dad to risk his health and/or his life to attend this wedding.

 

[minkydog]

Until you hear from the doctor, there isn't much to do about this. If the doctor says its a go, then turn it over to sis and let her handle it; be aware that your parents may *still* decide to go even if the doctor says no. Parents (and grandparents) are stubborn like that. I would suggest that you otherwise stay out of it. If your parents are still competent adults they are capable of deciding for themselves if they want to do this.