how often should grandparents see grandchildren?

[LBAK]

My dad lives with us and does lots of awesome things with my youngest DD. (Oldest DD is now 20 and has her "own life" ) My IL's live in Florida and have not seen their grandchildren in 3 years! They never call, I have to call them and they have no interest in their son or grandkids. 3 years ago they were up for a funeral and announced that they wouldn't be up again until my then 17yo got married. Needless to say we are not holding our breath to see them.

 

[kbkids]

Both sets of grandparents live in the same town as us. One set, the kids sometimes see daily, at least 2-3 times a week, spend alot of weekends with, etc. The other set, maybe 5-6 times a year.

 

[clh2]

Sadly, my parents have never 'connected' with my son. Their lives were always too busy to be very interested. Oh, we see them on holidays and some birthdays. My husband's parents make up for it though, they live 3 hours away and we see them all the time. My son once called his fraternal grandparents "my real grandma and grandpa." That pretty much sums it up.

My parents have the same problems as yours. It is very sad. I also think that once they get "older" and less mobile, they will regret that, and will want the attention from their 5 grandchildren. They made the choice to move about 5 hours away, which hasn't helped either. This whole topic is really a sore spot with me.

Unfortunately, DH's parents are both deceased, and my DD never had the opportunity to meet them. (Actually, DH's mom passed away before DH and I met, so I never had a mother-in-law) My DFIL, was a super grandparent and really enjoyed the grands.

 

[mrsltg]

My parents see the girls about once every 4-6 weeks. This is great because they live 300 miles from us. Either Mom or I makes the trip.

My father lives in Colorado and my stepmother is dying. She can't travel and hasn't been able to for quite some time. He has seen my older daughter 4 or 5 times (she's 5) and we both hate it. I think it really kills him that he hasn't met his new granddaughter and she's 9 months old. Unfortunately I can't take the girls to them b/c of SM's condition. I think my dad plans to spend more time visiting when Debbie passes. DH and I plan to bring him to Disney with us for a much deserved vacation at some point. Funny thing is, he's the easiest parent to get along with and he and my older dd are two peas in a pod.

DH's parents live 5 hours away. They are retired. They see the girls maybe 3-4 times per year. I'll never understand this. These are your grandchildren and you see them so little. They also don't believe in toys for birthday and Christmas - edutainment only! While anything is always appreciated, my 5 year old noticed a difference this year. She said to dh and I, "Grammie and Pop don't like toys, do they?" I'm not saying you need to buy out Toys R Us, but throw a baby or a barbie their way every now and again... Oh well, they are great people, just different. The problem is, they are missing out. They are missing the time to cement a bond with these children. We invited them to come to WDW with us and they declined, a cruise, they declined - you can't force it I guess.

 

[Sonya]

DS sees my parents about 2 times a week. We do a lot with them, in fact they are going with is to WDW over spring break!

DMIL we see maybe once a month. She works 2 jobs.

 

[Jennifer S]

OP I can relate to what you are saying. I love my in-laws and I know they love my kids but they don't make much of an effort to see them. My mIL doesn't work and lives 35 min. away and has not seen the kids since Christmas Day. The kids have never slept over they don't offer to babysit. It's been years since they last watched them. I don't get it. They play with them when they are here but it's far and few between visits.

MY DH thinks they don't want to interefere. I think they just enjoy there time together alone.

My mom visits a lot and my dad lives 2 hours away so not so much.

 

[Disney_1derland]

Growing up, I had one grandfather and he was 2 hours away. We saw him about 4 times a year. I was always jealous of the cousins who saw him every day. My maternal grandparents lived across the country and I have seen them 6 times in 31 years. I feel no attachment to them at all, it's like they are not family at all.

For us, the paternal grandparents are 12 hours away. My kids have seen them about once a year. We don't make a whole lot of effort there (lots of negative history) but if they want to come here to see the kids, we don't tell them no. We do encourage the kids to write letters to them, keep in touch with them and attempt to know them.

My parents live downstairs. They have an apartment in our basement and the kids see them every day for a few minutes and several times a week they spend at least an hour down there. My parents moved all the way across the country to be close to us when dd#1 was born. We didn't plan to live in the same house, it just kinda worked out that way. They are very involved and it works well for us.

 

[NMAmy]

DD was always much closer with my dad than my mom (as was I.) After my dad passed away, my mom kind of withdrew from dd even more. However, we now live about 10 minutes away from my mom so she usually stops by a couple of times a week and comes for dinner on Sunday--or we go out to breakfast together.

Mom's always had this thing where she thought teenagers were the most horrible people on the face of the planet. I told her that she was hurting her granddaughter's feelings and she started making more of an effort to do things with her. They're closer now than they were before.

DD's paternal grandmother moved to New Mexico so she sees her when she visits her dad. She has some real issues, though, and dd tries to be kind to her but it's difficult. (In the last few years, she's become addicted to prescribed painkillers and it's her addiction that makes her even more difficult to deal with than she was before.)

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think there is any 'right' answer.

One thing I do know is that the amount of time spent really can fluctuate depending on many different things. Obviously distance is one. Just as I expect my kids to decide where they want to live when they start a family, I hope they don't feel my DH and I should follow them wherever they go (or that we cannot move if we decide that is what we want to do when we have an empty nest)...with 3 kids, which place would we pick if they all move to different places?

The age of the kids is another. I know that my kids saw their grandparents much more when they were younger. Now that they are older, their lives are full of many more activities, so they see their grandparents less.

Lives (health) of the grandparents- My mother has gone through many different stages where she is very busy, or not so much. That definitely plays a role in how often she sees the kids. But they know she loves them so it is not a big deal.

I think the bottom line for us, in our family, is that we don't have expectations, we just do our best to make each other feel welcome in our lives. And we try to be understanding when the others are busy and don't have much time to visit. We don't leave it up to one side to be responsible for suggesting get-togethers. If my mom hasn't called for a while to get together, I call her. If I haven't called her for a while, she calls me. Same thing with the other grandparents. If we or they are to busy or whatever to visit, we just chat over the phone or email (as do the kids)

 

[GoofyDad869]

My parents live about 8 hours away from us (they live about 1/2 hour west of Ft. Wayne, IN), so we see them maybe twice a year. We're a convenient halfway stop when they're on their way to Florida. I don't get up to their neck o' the woods very often - with me starting a company in the last couple of years, it kind of cuts into our trip planning. Phone calls are maybe once a month, most of the time I call them. My dad & I email each other daily (Mom's an admitted computer-phobe). They have 3 grandkids - my kids are grandkids #2 & #3. They will be visiting us the weekend after next, it just so happens. We've invited them to go with us to the World in '07 or '08 with DVC.

KAMommy's parents live about 45 minutes away from us. We see them at least once or twice a week - if there are special school functions they're always there. It's a very good distance to be - not so close that they swing by at the drop of a hat, but not so far that it's a big production for any of us to get together. KAMommy talks to them on the phone every day without fail - the kids usually talk to them too most days. KAMommy was an only child, so our kids are their only grandkids. We all get along very well, and do spend quite a bit of time together.

 

[mickeyboat]

My parents live far from us, and see my kids once or twice a year. My FIL lives less than two miles from us, and sees the kids at least 5 days a week.

Denae

 

[dizagain]

When we lived in Texas, we lived 10 minutes from my in-laws. We saw them all the time, they attended school and sports activities, etc. Now we're 11 hours from Dad, 12 hours from mom, and 14 hours from in-laws...very sad.

My mom will fly up here 3-4 times a year and we usually get down there at least once. My dad - well, we see him when we travel south about once a year. My in-laws don't seem to want to come up here to visit, so I guess it will be once a year for them too. It's sad that they won't make that effort and we miss them, but DD's are heading into middle school and we have a baby on the way and we can't make the trip ourselves very often.

 

[SleepyMom]

How often do your kids see their grandparents?

IL's are all gone now, but before MIL passed last year the girls would see her about 2 to 3 times a year. They lived 2 1/2 hours away and we used to visit about every other month plus every holiday in the earlier years but it was always so difficult to be there so the visits became less frequent. The last few years we usually went up at Christmas and once in the summer, and maybe one other time. MIL rarely came to us. When Step-FIL was alive he did come down and stay with us several times, the girls loved his visits... but MIL never came with him.

Grandparents on my side are 5 1/2 hours away, they see our DD20 a lot (about 3 times a week) because she moved there 2 years ago. DD still at home sees them quite a bit too, they usually come here at least 10 times a year and then we make 3 to 4 trips there a year as well. BUT, there are other grandkids right in the town where they live and they only see them when we go there to visit. Our DD's have spent way more time with them and they live 5 1/2 hours away than the grandkids who live across town.

 

[nliedel]

My in-laws are knocking on our door about once a week. My Dad sees them. Well once a year for an hour if they are lucky. My in-laws love children. I love my Dad but he was not exactly "father" material.

We cannot go see my Dad often because his house is like a museum and you can't touch anything. I have two toddlers. My Dad is welcome here and we invite him a lot. We made a point to invite him for my sons Baptisms last December and there was a half inch of snow and he refused to come. Since 10 inches the week before did not stop him from returning from Florida I don't know what to think.

 

[we3disneygo]

my dad lives in Fl, he calls all the time every Sun. we talk and he comes back to visit in the summer/fall for a week or so.
my mom lives very close and we see her almost every weekend
in-laws live 25 miles away and have seen dd12 1 time in the last 2 years, they came to her figure skating competiton which each program last 1min. 30 second and then they got up and left.they come shopping in our town all the time and we have run into to them.......they see there other grandkids on a daily basis and watch them for weekends, have boughten them swingsets and little pools which are put up at the inlaws just for them that didnt' set to well with dd.

 

[T1130]

My dd sees my parents daily. They only live two minutes from us. My inlaws see her about once a month. That about all I can take of them. They live 30 minutes away. They only want to see her when they have nothing else to do.

 

[jgmklmhem]

Since we live in Utah and all GP's live in the Southeast it is not a great deal. My parents come out here about 2 times a year for a week. We usually fly back there once a year. As I posted in the bad MIL stories a few days ago we usually fly to see my parents and make a side trip up to see my wife's family. Well last summer when we did this MIL and her new husband came over to my wife's aunts house (which is where we stayed because she has room) MIL only stayed for about 3 hours because new husband was tired. So we had traveled over 7 hours to get to the SE then drove another 4 to come and see her and we only get 3 hours. These are her only grandchildren because wife is an only child. Well this summer we decided if they want to see us they can drive the 4 hours down to my parents house (wife's decision not mine). She of course is now pregnant so we have an excuse, but the decision was made before we found out about that. So unless she comes down to see us it could be years before we see her again because I do not relish the expense of travelling with 3 young kids that far in the near future.

 

[Bob Slydell]

MIL lives 10 minutes or so away. She sees the boys once or twice a week. My parents are a couple hours away, so they see them once or so a month. We try to work out weekends when the boys can go there and spend a weekend with them (and it gives us a break too).

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I don't think there's any one answer for this question, families are different. But your inlaws should know they may live to regret not spending time with your kids. My inlaws were the type that were always "sooooo busy" and only seemed to make time for the kids, who lived close enough for weekly visits, if they had nothing else to do. (they put their friends first).

Now, the kids are just about grown and have no real relationship with them. And guess what, the inlaws are now starting to want to spend time with the kids. The kids are not used to this and really don't feel very close to them. The annoying thing is that they seem to have very selective memory of how they used to behave (when, for example, they couldn't come for birthday dinners and stuff like that).

I always remind the kids to call them, but there just isn't that natural relationship that there would have been if they'd been around when the kids were small.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I do know some grandparents who rarely see their grandchildren because their lives are so busy.. They have waited a long time to retire, travel, and spend one-on-one time with each other and I don't begrudge them that.. As long as they keep some kind of contact with their grandchildren I don't see it as being a huge problem..

ITA. We have friends who adore their grand kids and love spending some time with them but they have finally gotten to the point in their lives to be able to travel, join garden clubs and volunteer. A lot of times the grandparents do not wish to babysit constantly but love having scheduled times to visit. And sometimes the behavior of some of the grandkids is not conducive to visiting regularly.