How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child

[pianogirl73]

My kids have flex bedtimes based on the following days activities. They go to bed between 8pm and 11pm depending on the occasion and the next day's activities.

When we have a sitter (hired or relative), I communicate if I care or don't in regards to when they should go to bed in relation to when we are coming home. I don't expect that if I were to say bedtime is 9pm (which is our common bedtime) for them to make it 7:30pm just b/c they feel like it.

If I am in a relatives house--I Control my kids bedtime. They are free to control the content of the house though. So if they feel my child should not be on their computer, they are free to say time is up. They are not free to send my child to bed.

My children are having their own power struggles with us at varying times--so I would not be surprised if they disobeyed another adult. But I do expect them (my kids) to apologize if it is warranted as I am not training them to be disrespectful. (And I have had things occur where I could not believe what the relative did to my child. I had one relative essentially accuse my child of lying and I could hear the whole exchange. Never mind that my child wasn't and I indeed gave her permission to play with something that belonged to ME. Just b/c they felt it inappropriate that my child was playing with silly putty was completely irrelevant.)

My only other pet peeve is when relatives ESPECIALLY my inlaws--decided to "parent" when I am standing right there and taking away my opportunity to correct my child. Then they later complain about how we NEVER watch our kids. Yeah--it's hard to correct them when you butt in. Especially the ones without kids.

I hear you on that one. My MIL constantly tries to parent my kids while I am standing right there and my parenting styles are completely different than hers. My DH and I have to talk to her about it all the time but it doesn't seem to sink in.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Geez, now the child is being called out of control by complete strangers. Sitting quietly on the computer does not sound like an "out of control" situation. Seriously, the OP wanted to know if her BIL was justified for trying to send her child off to bed. I say "no". I don't care how ADHD the girl is.

We can disagree. There was a lot more said about this child than that she sat quietly by her computer...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...As far as him being upstairs...while I don't appreciate him going up without asking, he is welcome in our home and has stayed the night of different occassions. I did talk to dh about it and he said he was checking the modem to make sure the internet was working properly. He was on his laptop downstairs and was having some problems.

Let me get this straight - you have someone staying in your home on a regular basis that you don't feel comfortable allowing full access to the top floor of your home?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

1) I don't care how close you are to a relative or how welcome they are in your home, it's rude to go wandering around someone's house. I am very close to one BIL/SIL. I can ring their doorbell and walk right in without waiting for an answer (this has been told to me...if I wait for an answer they say, "why didn't you just come in."). Still, I would not go upstairs in their house without them knowing it....

I disagree completely. We have guests that stay for days or weeks at a time. Anyone that I trust enough to stay for a single night, I trust enough to not be worried about their access to anything in my home - and this includes my children. If I didn't trust them, they wouldn't be invited into my home - and they certainly wouldn't be spending the night...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I disagree completely. We have guests that stay for days or weeks at a time. Anyone that I trust enough to stay for a single night, I trust enough to not be worried about their access to anything in my home - and this includes my children. If I didn't trust them, they wouldn't be invited into my home - and they certainly wouldn't be spending the night...

This I agree with.

Now--they can't go snooping in my master bedroom or anything like that.

And I dont' like folks barging in the front door even if they are expected. (my father has done this on numerous occasions and while noone is responsible for my anxiety but me--it really freaks me out when people do this. But it is only my dad and he and manners do not get along so thus he is invited only on very rare occasions and I make sure we are fully locked up. He still tries to barge in.)

 

[NAB]

As far as him being upstairs...while I don't appreciate him going up without asking, he is welcome in our home and has stayed the night of different occassions. I did talk to dh about it and he said he was checking the modem to make sure the internet was working properly. He was on his laptop downstairs and was having some problems.

So he did tell someone he was going upstairs. You guys are making the BIL out to be a stalker or something. She said he had no business up there but his brother knew he what he was doing.

I too didn't take it as him telling her to go to bed, he just said shouldn't you be in bed.

 

[5lilfish]

I disagree completely. We have guests that stay for days or weeks at a time. Anyone that I trust enough to stay for a single night, I trust enough to not be worried about their access to anything in my home - and this includes my children. If I didn't trust them, they wouldn't be invited into my home - and they certainly wouldn't be spending the night...

It has nothing to do with trust. He wasn't an overnight guest. He was there for a gathering. I don't think that opening your home up for a get-together means that people are free to go exploring.

Jess

 

[5lilfish]

This I agree with.

Now--they can't go snooping in my master bedroom or anything like that.

And I dont' like folks barging in the front door even if they are expected. (my father has done this on numerous occasions and while noone is responsible for my anxiety but me--it really freaks me out when people do this. But it is only my dad and he and manners do not get along so thus he is invited only on very rare occasions and I make sure we are fully locked up. He still tries to barge in.)

I agree. I would never do this. With my BIL's family i have been told, more than once, to simple come in. I still wait for them to answer about 95% of the time....lol. I was simply giving an example of how comfortable I am with them and that I still wouldn't just go wandering around their second floor.

Jess

 

[5lilfish]

I too didn't take it as him telling her to go to bed, he just said shouldn't you be in bed.

ok...then what did the child do wrong that the BIL is upset. If he didn't tell her to do something then how did she disobey him?

Jess

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

It has nothing to do with trust. He wasn't an overnight guest. He was there for a gathering. I don't think that opening your home up for a get-together means that people are free to go exploring.

Jess

You need to read all of the posts in the thread and take them collectively...

 

[5lilfish]

You need to read all of the posts in the thread and take them collectively...

I have?

Jess

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

ok...then what did the child do wrong that the BIL is upset. If he didn't tell her to do something then how did she disobey him?

Jess

She ignored him. He doesn't have children, so he doesn't get children, but most adults expect a response when they speak to a child. My children would be punished for ignoring an adult in this manner...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have?

Jess

LOL - then I have no idea why I am responding to you when you have not taken all of the content into account in your posts...

 

[5lilfish]

She ignored him. He doesn't have children, so he doesn't get children, but most adults expect a response when they speak to a child. My children would be punished for ignoring an adult in this manner...

My question: by ignore...did the OP mean her DD ignored his request or did she mean her DD did not answer him. See..the OP says the BIL is upset that the girl did not listen to him (those were the words she used). So, if he wasn't telling her to get off the computer and go to bed, what did the DD not listen too. I wonder if by ignore, OP meant ignore his request.

Jess

 

[5lilfish]

LOL - then I have no idea why I am responding to you when you have not taken all of the content into account in your posts...

I read every post....and if you read my post more carefully then you would know what my question was. What did OP mean by ignore?... Ignore the request or did she mean the DD did not respond at all?

Jess

 

[NAB]

ok...then what did the child do wrong that the BIL is upset. If he didn't tell her to do something then how did she disobey him?

Jess

I think she ignored him when he talked to her so in his mind she probably wasn't listening to him....the op did say that they didn't listen on other times too. But this is just guessing since I was not there.

And people are still going on about him being upstairs or wondering the house she said he was up there to check the modem and not to kick her off the computer either like some said as well making this guy out to be the bad guy.

All this probably comes down to is a miss communication.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...All this probably comes down to is a miss communication.

This is my conclusion, also. They need to sit down and establish "operating rules" for these things. Most families that spend a great deal of time together develop them over time, but when one person doesn't have children, it becomes even more important - as that person simply has no experience with children...

 

[5lilfish]

I too didn't take it as him telling her to go to bed, he just said shouldn't you be in bed.

If this is the case, then I do not understand the title of the thread: How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child? If he wasn't telling her to get off the computer then exactly how was he disciplining her?

Jess

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If this is the case, then I do not understand the title of the thread: How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child? If he wasn't telling her to get off the computer then exactly how was he disciplining her?

Jess

That comes from the OP's larger concern - how to treat this on a going forward basis. This person is traveling with her and her family on vacation...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My question: by ignore...did the OP mean her DD ignored his request or did she mean her DD did not answer him. See..the OP says the BIL is upset that the girl did not listen to him (those were the words she used). So, if he wasn't telling her to get off the computer and go to bed, what did the DD not listen too. I wonder if by ignore, OP meant ignore his request.

Jess

From my own personal experience--I'm not convinced the child actually ignored a grownup.

My child (and me), when hyperfocused on an activity--will not hear anyone who randomly comes up without getting her attention.

One could argue that the BIL was rudely interuptting.

Age and stature is not an automatic assumption of acting appropriately.

I have a step-mom (from heck!!!!!) who will quote Miss Manners unitl the day she dies but is exremely consistent in her rude behavior. Just b/c she's an adult--doesn't mean that she is capable of acting like one. As a result, her time with my children is extremely limited. And what little time is allowed, she further limits it b/c she can't handle children. Coudln't when I was young and certainly cannot now. What little time is spent, I will often have to debrief my children on what is really appropriate as my step-mom is capable of some doozies.