How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child

[DisneyBamaFan]

Think about what you just said. What is the alternative for your BIL? Should he physically stop her too? How about her teachers?

Agreed - sounds like a child out of control and a BiL who might be fed up with her behavior...

 

[luvmy3]

See - now how did an adult telling a child it was past their bedtime-to go to bed become inappropriate?

When its not their child and they weren't told by the parents of the child to relay that message to the child.

Think about what you just said. What is the alternative for your BIL? Should he physically stop her too? How about her teachers?

The OP stated that her dd is ADHD so discipline is probably handled differently for her. I guess the alternative for the BIL is to let the parents handle the discipline. If he has a problem with the child, he needs to go to the parents before he steps in and physically stops her. It is up to the parents to allow the BIL to do that. A teacher would most likely have that authority in school, so there is no comparison.

 

[NikitaZee]

My children respect EVERYONE. If they are told to do something that contradicts something that I have already told them, they can indicate as much, but in a respectful way, or they can come ask me for confirmation. If one of my children ignored any adult in our family, they would get punished. In fact, we don't allow them to ignore children, either.

All of that said, we have a rule in our family - If the parents are present, the parents "parent". Even during the holidays, when I can have more than 20 children in my home, we bring in the parents when any parenting needs to take place. I simply can't imagine someone not coming to me for something like this instead of telling one of my children what to do. It is simply not how our family operates.

When we leave our children in the care of friends or family, their rules apply. My boys do what they are told to avoid answering to me for not doing so...

I also agree with the PP who said that the BiL sounds a bit immature to get so upset over the behavior of a 3 year old. Then again, maybe he was upset because you didn't back him up? Solve this for your vacation by setting expectations with both him and your children...

Completely agree with this philosphy. I agree that BIL had no authority to tell the OP's daughter she should be in bed. Maybe she just didn't know what to say, so she said nothing, and went about her business. I'd have made a big stink with him if he did that with one of my kids.

 

[tnkr_bell]

Think about what you just said. What is the alternative for your BIL? Should he physically stop her too? How about her teachers?

No I don't think he should physically stop her, he should get one of us if she is getting too out of control. Unless ofcourse he is watching the kids, in which case he would be in authority to do that. As far as her teachers, they have their own rules as far as dealing with her. Luckily she is on medicine for her ADHD and is usually pretty good at school.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My kids have flex bedtimes based on the following days activities. They go to bed between 8pm and 11pm depending on the occasion and the next day's activities.

When we have a sitter (hired or relative), I communicate if I care or don't in regards to when they should go to bed in relation to when we are coming home. I don't expect that if I were to say bedtime is 9pm (which is our common bedtime) for them to make it 7:30pm just b/c they feel like it.

If I am in a relatives house--I Control my kids bedtime. They are free to control the content of the house though. So if they feel my child should not be on their computer, they are free to say time is up. They are not free to send my child to bed.

My children are having their own power struggles with us at varying times--so I would not be surprised if they disobeyed another adult. But I do expect them (my kids) to apologize if it is warranted as I am not training them to be disrespectful. (And I have had things occur where I could not believe what the relative did to my child. I had one relative essentially accuse my child of lying and I could hear the whole exchange. Never mind that my child wasn't and I indeed gave her permission to play with something that belonged to ME. Just b/c they felt it inappropriate that my child was playing with silly putty was completely irrelevant.)

My only other pet peeve is when relatives ESPECIALLY my inlaws--decided to "parent" when I am standing right there and taking away my opportunity to correct my child. Then they later complain about how we NEVER watch our kids. Yeah--it's hard to correct them when you butt in. Especially the ones without kids.

 

[MIGrandma]

I feel your BIL overstepped his bounds. I don't think he has a right to discipline your children in their own home when you are right there. If they are doing something that could hurt them, that's different. But to tell her she should be in bed? Not his place to say.

I don't even discipline my grandchildren when either or both of their parents around. I would speak up if they were going to hurt themselves, or do damage to something, but other than that it's up to their parents.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Agreed - sounds like a child out of control and a BiL who might be fed up with her behavior...

Geez, now the child is being called out of control by complete strangers. Sitting quietly on the computer does not sound like an "out of control" situation. Seriously, the OP wanted to know if her BIL was justified for trying to send her child off to bed. I say "no". I don't care how ADHD the girl is.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Geez, now the child is being called out of control by complete strangers. Sitting quietly on the computer does not sound like an "out of control" situation. Seriously, the OP wanted to know if her BIL was justified for trying to send her child off to bed. I say "no". I don't care how ADHD the girl is.

My dd is ADHD. To my family and the rest of the world, she's a bit--on edge as far as her ability to focus. But she's never considered "out of control".

We do not change our ways for DH's family--but you would think we are the most stupid parents in the world who cannot keep our child under control. Surprising the very different and polar reactions between them adn teh rest of the world.

Sometimes, they can be quite mean in their tone of voice in how they correct my child.

They may be fed up with her--but it doesn't justify their judgement of us or their treatment of her.

I have had to become increasingly guarded and it is so very wrong. They cannot accept who she is b/c they expect too much of her. They expect us to monitor her like she is a 2 yo.

It is very unfortunate that they lack any modicum of understanding of how to deal with a child with ADHD. It is even funny at times when the judgement comes from those without children.

You would think my dd was one of Lynette's twins on Desperate Housewives. You would think my child is a raving, destructive lunatic. You would think this if you were having a conversation with my some of my in laws.

 

[Wishing on a star]

.... Sitting quietly on the computer does not sound like an "out of control" situation. Seriously, the OP wanted to know if her BIL was justified for trying to send her child off to bed. I say "no". I don't care how ADHD the girl is.

I agree!
That post about an 'out of control' child was just completely unnecessary.

The child was upstairs, on the computer.

And, guess what... I don't care if she was a bit 'hyper' or whatever...
She is in her own home, with her parents there.
If BIL has just 'had enough' he is welcome to let the door hit him in the behind on the way out. ( not go upstairs and confront her alone)

 

[FireDancer]

I agree!
That post about an 'out of control' child was just completely unnecessary.

True. However the assumption that the uncle was somehow predatory, as seems to be speculated upon by some here, is just as unnecessary and given the implications, even more so.

As for the wandering the house thing, I make my self at home at both of my brother's homes and they do so at mine. They even have my garage door code and have come over before when I wasn't here for one reason or another. It struck me as odd that people are so surprised that a man would be upstairs in his brother's house.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

You may say that this BIL traipsing around you house, alone, and even having open access to your computers is only 'annoying'.

But, seriously, you need to maintain some stronger boundaries.

I can really see no valid or good reason for this BIL's behavior.

Trust, or not, nobody has unfettered access to my computer, my personal information, and even your husband's work....

After reading your updated post about your BIL, something sounds like it is really OFF. Does he have social deficits/disabilty, like Asperger's or something.

That would help explain it. And perhaps ease some of the concerns we are trying to bring to your attention. But, that does not excuse it in any way.

If this guy does not have anything like this, then really, I agree that it is even more than creepy to have a grown man traipsing around your house alone, wanting to access your computers, confronting your children. Really, something just isn't right here.

 

[tnkr_bell]

OP,

You may say that this BIL traipsing around you house, alone, and even having open access to your computers is only 'annoying'.

But, seriously, you need to maintain some stronger boundaries.

I can really see no valid or good reason for this BIL's behavior.

Trust, or not, nobody has unfettered access to my computer, my personal information, and even your husband's work....

After reading your updated post about your BIL, something sounds like it is really OFF. Does he have social deficits/disabilty, like Asperger's or something.

That would help explain it. And perhaps ease some of the concerns we are trying to bring to your attention. But, that does not excuse it in any way.

If this guy does not have anything like this, then really, I agree that it is even more than creepy to have a grown man traipsing around your house alone, wanting to access your computers, confronting your children. Really, something just isn't right here.

Actually this isn't the first time someone has questioned whether or not he has Aspergers. He really has very little understanding of social behavior. He's a very intelligent person, and he likes to let you know it. I could give many different examples, but that's a whole other thread.

As far as him being upstairs...while I don't appreciate him going up without asking, he is welcome in our home and has stayed the night of different occassions. I did talk to dh about it and he said he was checking the modem to make sure the internet was working properly. He was on his laptop downstairs and was having some problems.

 

[disykat]

IMHO, when one is cornered, and the only response is 'obey' an inappropriate request, or be considered rude...
Then hey, IMHO, the kid chose the best of her two options.

I agree with this. I also doubt that a 6 year old would even interpret "I thought you should be in bed" (I realize we probably don't know the exact wording) as a request/order to go to bed. I wouldn't - it just sounds like a comment to me.

We don't know if the OP's BIL actually GAVE an order or just made a comment, or what, if anything, the 6 y/o said to him. He didn't say she didn't respond, he seemed to be saying she didn't obey.

 

[ontariomonkey]

Even if I didn't agree with what DBIL did I would still support him by telling DD to respect her elders and explaining that if DBIL asked her to do anything again she needs to either obey, or come see you to ask what she should do.

ETA - this applies for all adults in the family. I want my DS to learn respect for authority and respect for his elders. If what DBIL bothered you personally then talk to him about it in private, away from DD. Having a unified front is important and could come in very handy at WDW.

I think that kids who are taught to be completely submissive to adults make good victims for child molesters. Teaching respect is important of course but "obey all adults in whatever situation" DANGEROUS.

 

[FireDancer]

I think that kids who are taught to be completely submissive to adults make good victims for child molesters. Teaching respect is important of course but "obey all adults in whatever situation" DANGEROUS.

I agree whole heartedly and think the "trust all adults", "all teachers", "or all anyone" mantra is ill advised for the reasons you mentioned. That is the exact mindset that allowed certain members of society to be predators for years. I would, however, not place my brother in that category. Any family I would place in that category would not be invited to my home at any time.

 

[portocall]

I make my children respect other adults, however, when there is a conflict between what I have said and what the other adult said, I ask that my children come tell me so I can solve it and be the last and final word. For example, once I told my children they couldn't go to the levee with the others to watch the fireworks, that we would be leaving to go to our usual spot in a bit. My DH's cousin tried to take them to the levee anyway. They came to me for permission to leave and I told his cousin they couldn't go. It saved them from being in trouble for going and from being disrespectful to the adult. However, I don't mind if they are told something, especially where safety or nerves are involved (such as stop hitting that ball into my garden or don't go in that street) and I expect them to follow those commands.

 

[sunnyday123]

I would only address this with DD if she were disrepectful to him. She did not talk back to him and probably only "ignored" him because she knows her mom and dad are boss in the house. I would never tell my nieces and nephews that it was bedtime when their parents are in the house! Not to mention that it was YOUR house. If he were babysitting or something like that, then it would be a different story.

You know, you're right. The more I think about this ( and being snowed in I have a lot of time to do that!) just because she didn't respond doesn't mean she was being disrespectful. Maybe she felt scared because she thought he was yelling at her, especially since he doesn't come around that often.

Respect is earned, not something that is automatic because you're an adult. While I would still advise her to speak when spoken to, respect is completely different.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP,

You may say that this BIL traipsing around you house, alone, and even having open access to your computers is only 'annoying'.

But, seriously, you need to maintain some stronger boundaries.

I was astounded this morning to see the turn this thread took with so many people immediately thinking to wonder if the brother was up to no good. I am so glad the OP came back and clarified she does not feel this is the case. This post in particualr, comming AFTER the OP clarified really amazes me. I cannot imagine livin with this kind of fear and paranoia of my loved ones and close friends. Wishing on a Star, I gather from some other comments on this thread that you do not have a good relationship with your in laws--but is there truly no one who visits you that you consider essentially part of the family and who has the freedom to feel at home in your home? I would think nothing of my parents in law or siblings in law or my own parents going upstairs "uninvited" in my house. I am not sure it would have ever occrred to me to think I needed to invite then. I would assume they know it is essentially their home too when they visit with the exception of bigger things (like at our home we do not allow smoking or pets--so they visit without the dogs). I can think of a dozen or so friends I feel the same way about. If I felt I needed to protect a computer I would put a password on it

OP--it sounds like you have a decent idea about what went on. Personally, Iwould remind the DD to try to notice when people speak to her and to respond politely. I would remind the BiL that your kids have certain issues which necessitate very consistent parenting and becuase of that you need him to check that he is on the same page as you before saying anything parent like to the kids and then be done with it. I would not even appraoch BiL as if you are miffed, I would probably take the more tactful approach of "I am so sorry DD didn't respond last night. You know, with her ADHD sometimes she does not even realize someone is talking to her. Believe me i know it can be really frustrating but that is not her intent. In fact, we have worked out a way that does work to get trhough to her, and it really helps if that is how she is consistently treated. I think the trip iwll be happier for you if you knwo how to handle things she does that annoy you in a way that works so . . ." Diplomacy (especially amon family) is a good thing Besides, it may not be jsut because he is not a parent that he does not "get" your kids: for my own kids reasoning with them does work 99% of the time so that is likely what I would try first with other kids myself--certainly is what I do with my nieces and nephew.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I was astounded this morning to see the turn this thread took with so many people immediately thinking to wonder if the brother was up to no good. I am so glad the OP came back and clarified she does not feel this is the case. This post in particualr, comming AFTER the OP clarified really amazes me. I cannot imagine livin with this kind of fear and paranoia of my loved ones and close friends. Wishing on a Star, I gather from some other comments on this thread that you do not have a good relationship with your in laws--but is there truly no one who visits you that you consider essentially part of the family and who has the freedom to feel at home in your home? I would think nothing of my parents in law or siblings in law or my own parents going upstairs "uninvited" in my house. I am not sure it would have ever occrred to me to think I needed to invite then. I would assume they know it is essentially their home too when they visit with the exception of bigger things (like at our home we do not allow smoking or pets--so they visit without the dogs). I can think of a dozen or so friends I feel the same way about. If I felt I needed to protect a computer I would put a password on it

OP--it sounds like you have a decent idea about what went on. Personally, Iwould remind the DD to try to notice when people speak to her and to respond politely. I would remind the BiL that your kids have certain issues which necessitate very consistent parenting and becuase of that you need him to check that he is on the same page as you before saying anything parent like to the kids and then be done with it. I would not even appraoch BiL as if you are miffed, I would probably take the more tactful approach of "I am so sorry DD didn't respond last night. You know, with her ADHD sometimes she does not even realize someone is talking to her. Believe me i know it can be really frustrating but that is not her intent. In fact, we have worked out a way that does work to get trhough to her, and it really helps if that is how she is consistently treated. I think the trip iwll be happier for you if you knwo how to handle things she does that annoy you in a way that works so . . ." Diplomacy (especially amon family) is a good thing Besides, it may not be jsut because he is not a parent that he does not "get" your kids: for my own kids reasoning with them does work 99% of the time so that is likely what I would try first with other kids myself--certainly is what I do with my nieces and nephew.

further, i think the leap to reponding to a relative with a request is far different than blind obedience leading to molestation. either you all are whacked out paranoid, or just mean spirited.

 

[5lilfish]

So BIL was over last night for dd3 b-day party. Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking) and saw dd6 playing on the computer. He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him because he's an adult too. I guess this isnt' the first time she hasn't just listened to him and he feels like she should because he's an adult.

The problem with last night was that 1) We hadn't even told her she needed to go to bed yet; 2) ds8 was still up watching a movie with us and they both go to bed at the same time. So we told them as soon as the movie was over it was bed time. So why would she listen to him. Also, we only get together with BIL once every few months, so it's not like he's a constent authority figure in their lives.

I can understand if she is doing something she shouldn't be and he tells her she needs to stop, but she is also a very challenging child and we have to be really firm with her to get her to do anything. She has ADHD and is very strong willed and disciplining her is not easy. BIL is also going with us to WDW later this year and we really need to figure something out or it's going to be a trip from heck.

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

1) I don't care how close you are to a relative or how welcome they are in your home, it's rude to go wandering around someone's house. I am very close to one BIL/SIL. I can ring their doorbell and walk right in without waiting for an answer (this has been told to me...if I wait for an answer they say, "why didn't you just come in."). Still, I would not go upstairs in their house without them knowing it.

2) When you say, "she ignored him," do you mean she did not obey him or that she did not even answer him? She should have at least answered him and said that she had your permission to still be awake. I would use this as a teaching opportunity....especially since she has ADHD and probably would benefit from a talk on being appropriate in certain situations. I'm not saying yell...just a calm talk and I would wait until the next day and do it privately/calmly.

3) I would not parent anyone's child but my own...unless it was a dangerous situation and required immediate intervention to avoid injury/danger. I would not be ok with anyone else parenting my kids. BIL should have came to you and said, "I noticed XXX is still awake and on the computer. I just wanted to be sure that you knew that and that it was ok."

I have a son (12) with ADHD. He also scratches the surface of an autistic spectrum disorder. I have a BIL that does not approve of how we handle him. It's very hard because we do a lot together. Many times I am sure BIL thinks we do not discipline DS. The truth is that we wait to do it privately (unless it NEEDS to be done then and there). Our son needs to be reminded of certain socially appropriate things but it needs to be done calmly and in private. One time, during a family b-day party, my son was hanging out in the finished basement. He takes a little extra time to get used to having a lot of people over. When it came time to sing Happy Birthday, he chose not to come upstairs. He was uncomfortable and it just wasn't worth forcing him to come up (he was probably 8 at the time, and his b-day sister did not care). I over-heard BIL telling his son that he would drag him up by his belt. He did not intend on me hearing. I calmly said, with no emotion, "Sorry. That won't work. He isn't wearing a belt."
It's tough because I love my BIL and I love my son. I wish they could have a better relationship....but it's not meant to be. I protect my son from his opinions...but I also expect my son to show the proper respect. That being said, my BIL has no business attempting to discipline my son...and it's not even any of his business how we choose to handle him.

Jess