How much do you help your middle schooler with homework?

[Mickey'snewestfan]

My 6th grader is new to both middle school and our district. In his elementary school homework was strictly for review -- they were only graded on things that happened at school. I never looked at homework since he always told me it was done, and his teachers told me the same thing -- that he met or exceeded their expectations.

Now he's in middle school and the pace has picked up a lot. Sometimes there are things he doesn't understand. For math assignments I feel as though the line is clear. We work on sample problems that are similar to the ones on the homework until he gets it, and then he does the work on the page -- so the work on the page is all his. But I'm not sure what to do about the written work such as essays and reports.

Frequently he brings me things that he's written and the rubric being used to grade it, and by comparing the two I can tell right away that the work is unacceptable. The paragraphs are completely disorganized, he's got topic sentences that don't match what he's writing about, the sentences are full of grammatical errors etc . . . At the same time, I think it's probably his best work -- sending him back to do it again won't result in vast improvement because he simply doesn't get what's required of him -- the work is so far above what he did in elementary school, that he really doesn't know what the teacher means when she says things like "make sure your details support your main idea".

So, I'm curious, how much do other people help their kids at this age -- where's the line?

 

[golfgal]

There is a huge difference between helping and doing and you seem to be helping. I don't see anything wrong with how you are helping with the math-getting him to understand the concepts. For essays, etc. that is harder. We have always tried to give examples and ask questions that lead them toward the right answer as much as possible. Otherwise we take what they have already written and read it out loud to them. Once they hear it out loud, even they know it isn't right then sit down and help the restructure things so they do make sense and are grammatically correct.

DD is working on an "allegorical analysis" of a passage in "Of Mice and Men". I helped her define just what in the heck an allegorical analysis is and DH helped her come up with some of the BS, I mean analysis. Sometimes a bunk house is just a bunk house .

 

[dimimi]

I think it is good that you are helping your child. You are acting like his tutor. You could help him and then let the teacher know that your son had difficulty.

I sometimes help my son and if I end up helping a lot, then I let the teacher know. As a teacher, I think it is great that you are helping your son.

 

[Holly]

The line is easy to find with my kids. I can tell when they truly need help vs. feel like being lazy.


I have the mother of one of my son's classmates as a Facebook friend and she posted a few days ago that she was doing his homework so the teacher didn't yell at her again. These boys are in seventh grade


The amount of help you're giving your son sounds perfect to me.

 

[Mkrop]

You guide them, you help them, you explain the rubric some more, maybe if he hears it from you it will click. Many times my DS will come home with an essay or a project, I offer suggestions. I explain what "supporting the main idea is". I am his editor. I dont fix it for him but I show him what is wrong, I explain the grammar mistakes. I read his projects and essays as if I have no clue on the subject and most times I dont. If I can understand where he is coming from then he is good to go. If I dont, we talk about the topic and I make him explain it to me and sometimes when he verbalizes it he can see what he should write down.

I am not a big advocate of only having the teacher teach my sons, I teach them too.

I teach my kids to do projects, how to make things neat and presentable. I dont do the work. I dont just throw them a piece of poster board and say have it.

 

[hereyago]

I have the mother of one of my son's classmates as a Facebook friend and she posted a few days ago that she was doing his homework so the teacher didn't yell at her again. These boys are in seventh grade

SAY WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would like to see anyone yell at me. I am thankful that all of DD's teachers have great communication with the parents. The school also has free tutoring from teachers as well as from National honor society students come in once a week and help tutor.

I am with you, I can tell when DD12 really needs help(except with math she is on her own with that) and when she is being lazy. Last year she was in 6th and it was very fast paced compared to elementary school. However, the teachers didnt really hold them accountable like this year. Say if the kid doesn't return homework: Math is advanced so it is an automatic F for turning it in late, but you still have to turn it in so all the assignments are accounted for.

DD's science teacher has a military background and I knew he wouldn't be playing. He made the statement about how the7th graders got away with a lot of stuff in 6th grade. I thought to myself why don't you just tell those teachers that, that way expectations would be the same starting from 6th grade.

 

[Hannathy]

A lot of the time these kids have never been taught how to sit down and start to write a paper. My DH is a better writer than I am and when my DD hit middle school she had all the ideas but her mechanics of writing was not good. so He would sit with her and help her figure out how to organize her material. How to construct a good paragraph, how to write an intro etc. They spent a lot of time, arguments-when she wanted it to be good enough and he made her do it over, how to analyze who she is writing for, etc. He never wrote the paper but he did help her set it up and construct it. She used to get so mad at him !
The result of this is once she was taught how to do it she soared and became a very very good writer ending up taking sophomore English at the University in High school, she just had never been taught how to do it correctly.

So don't do the research don't answer the questions but if they need help figuring out how to do it or the mechanics of doing it go right ahead and teach them.

 

[PaulaSue]

I help my 6th grader a lot but I have been for years. She doesn't get the help in class so I help her at night. TG for goggle so I can figure some things out. She has classes on things I never learned.

She will never be a great student but I want her to pass because she can do it/understands what to do and not just sweak by and then fail big time in upper grades. She already has poor self worth so some nights are really rough getting her to calm down just to try to do the work.

 

[LuvOrlando]

A new school and new district mean your child is at a disadvantage. In such a situation I think it's absolutely fine that you step in as a kind of translator to help him find his footing with the new expectations. I can't imagine anything more stressful than a child struggling to make new friends in a new school in a new district while struggling to meet academic standards at the same time. I think you are being a good parent to step in and try to help, and I don't think there is such a thing as too much help. I know I would absolutely do so without hesitation if I was in your shoes. Sometimes school provides and excellent opportunity for a parent to drive home the idea that he/she and the child are a team and can do anything together... this can be one of those times.

My kids are decent writers but they are lazy and don't like to do drafts. Sometimes I let things go but when I do step in I always drive home the idea that effective writing means you have to write as if the other person has absolutely no idea what you are writing about. Draft one is all about just getting the ideas down, I prefer index cards but my kids like to fight me on this. Draft 2 is about making sure the ideas are in a linear order, again why index cards are good but what do I know (A good teacher taught me this, it's not my idea). Draft 3 is about making sure you've fully formed your ideas, I like to staple the cards to paper then copy it down in order and flesh it all out. Draft 4 is about making sure you started it off well and closed the topic down neatly. I know this is a lot to ask and goodness knows my kids side step me every chance they get but like I tell them all the time, a good grade isn't a mystery recipe. Maybe they don't like it and maybe they don't want to do it but it isn't a mystery.

Good luck

 

[Anne34]

Most of the time I never even see their homework! I know she's getting it done, but she does it at school or on her own.

I rarely helped either of my high schoolers either --- usually the only help they need is in math & they go to their dad for that

 

[XYSRUS]

I don't help my kids with any homework past 5th grade. I've taught them to read and navigate the internet and I tell you all the answers are out there somewhere. Math help, how to write a paper in APA format, history galore, studies and papers written about everything. Have access to a university library for endless ideas and help.

That being said, if a kid REALLY needed help I would give it to him. But mostly I found my kids too lazy to look for the answer. The real work involves sitting next to a child initially, watching how they investigate solving a problem when they're younger and catching difficulties then. Teach a man to fish is my philosophy.

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't help my 6th grade daughter at all. I know she does it because I check online and it never says "missing homework" but that is her work, not mine-if she doens't understand it she logs on to the online tutor and they will walk her through whatever it is she needs help with. I feel that once they get into Jr. High they should be responsible enough to get their own homework done.

 

[golfgal]

I don't help my 6th grade daughter at all. I know she does it because I check online and it never says "missing homework" but that is her work, not mine-if she doens't understand it she logs on to the online tutor and they will walk her through whatever it is she needs help with. I feel that once they get into Jr. High they should be responsible enough to get their own homework done.

Our kids are responsible and do get their homework done but there are times when they can't understand something or need some help-rarely but it happens. We DO proofread papers, etc. because that is just good writing practice to have several people proofread for you.

 

[krcit]

I don't help my older 2 kids at all..7th and 10th. They don't need it. My son will be a different story when he gets to middle school. he has a learning disability so everything is a challenge for him. I am not looking forward to it because I'm having a hard enough time with 4th grade work

 

[Tinijocaro]

I only help with studying for tests when asked but they usually do that on their own. DD 7th grade occasionally needs help understanding her math homework but I usually have older ds help her. He's good at explaining stuff.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Sometimes we will help with structural/grammatical issues with writing pieces, or guide them to the right answer in math, or help them study, but usually only when either kid asks. We don't check homework anymore.

 

[C.Ann]

Also keep in mind that if you do "too" much helping (as in catching errors and having them do the work over again) it leaves the teacher at a disadvantage because he or she will never know that your child has a weakness in a particular area..

 

[mamacatnv]

Most of the time I never even see their homework! I know she's getting it done, but she does it at school or on her own.

I rarely helped either of my high schoolers either --- usually the only help they need is in math & they go to their dad for that

Same in our house. I buy poster board on an as needed basis.

DD is in 6th grade at a middle school.
I too check online and will answer unusual questions or buy requested supplies but other than that, its her homework not mine.

 

[Mkrop]

I don't help my 6th grade daughter at all. I know she does it because I check online and it never says "missing homework" but that is her work, not mine-if she doens't understand it she logs on to the online tutor and they will walk her through whatever it is she needs help with. I feel that once they get into Jr. High they should be responsible enough to get their own homework done.

What is the difference? the child is still asking for help, whether it is a person on an online tutoring site, their parent, or someone else. That person has already been through middle school.

Also keep in mind that if you do "too" much helping (as in catching errors and having them do the work over again) it leaves the teacher at a disadvantage because he or she will never know that your child has a weakness in a particular area..

The teachers know. The kids do enough in school as well as homework that the teachers know where the weaknesses lie. They also know if we did for them vs just giving guidance too.

DS13 does not ask for a lot of help, hardly ever, his teachers have taught him all the steps on writing essays. They do draft upon draft. They do peer reviews etc. But if my kid comes home and doesnt understand something I will do my best to help, guide and explain things. Sometimes things click better when someone explains it again.

 

[Magpie]

My 6th grader is new to both middle school and our district. In his elementary school homework was strictly for review -- they were only graded on things that happened at school. I never looked at homework since he always told me it was done, and his teachers told me the same thing -- that he met or exceeded their expectations.

Now he's in middle school and the pace has picked up a lot. Sometimes there are things he doesn't understand. For math assignments I feel as though the line is clear. We work on sample problems that are similar to the ones on the homework until he gets it, and then he does the work on the page -- so the work on the page is all his. But I'm not sure what to do about the written work such as essays and reports.

Frequently he brings me things that he's written and the rubric being used to grade it, and by comparing the two I can tell right away that the work is unacceptable. The paragraphs are completely disorganized, he's got topic sentences that don't match what he's writing about, the sentences are full of grammatical errors etc . . . At the same time, I think it's probably his best work -- sending him back to do it again won't result in vast improvement because he simply doesn't get what's required of him -- the work is so far above what he did in elementary school, that he really doesn't know what the teacher means when she says things like "make sure your details support your main idea".

So, I'm curious, how much do other people help their kids at this age -- where's the line?

I think the line depends on the kid, on the subject and on the parent.

Some kids need more help than others. Why should it matter if it's YOU helping your kid, or some college student you hired to help him with his homework after school? Or a professional tutor, for that matter?

I think as long as you're teaching him how to do it for himself, and not sending him off to the kitchen for a snack while you finish the worksheet for him, then you haven't crossed any lines.

Even high school kids need help sometimes. And in college we encourage students to seek help from their peers and from Teaching Assistants.

I don't help my daughter at all, because she is a naturally talented writer who doesn't need any help. For my son, who has an LD that affects his writing, I will ask to see his papers before he hands them in. Then I will circle all his typos, remind him to use capitalization and punctuation, and make general notes.

Here are some examples of "General Notes":

1. Introduce each character and explain how they're related to each other, THEN tell me the plot. (Basic organization)

2. If he has two paragraphs on the same topic and they're separated from each other in the essay, I will draw an arrow from one to the other and write, "These go together!"

3. I write "EXPAND", where he needs more detail. (I write that a lot! )

4. If he's left something hanging, I will write the question next to the problem paragraph. Ie, "How does this relate to the topic?" When he's going over my edits, I'll discuss this part with him. "Why did you include this detail? Why is it important? Well, then you need to write that down."

5. I will ask him, if he's missing a conclusion, "What's your conclusion? What's the point of this essay?"

And so on, through 3 or four drafts, all of which end up stapled together and handed in with my scribbling all over them (this way his teacher can see his writing process). I think I'm doing okay, because he still has to do all the writing himself. Also, his teacher actually told him that she was glad to see that I wasn't rewriting his essays for him. So, evidently this is the kind of help she expects from me.

Some day, hopefully, he'll be able to make these edits for himself! (Although, maybe not... I did have to help edit some of my husband's essays when he was getting his MBA, and I was writing the same sort of things on HIS papers, too.)