How mean am I?

[McKelly]

I watch a little girl after school everyday (DD10's friend) for about an hour and a half. Every day the friend says she has so much homework and wants to work on it as soon as she walks in our house. My DD10 only has a 1/4 of the homework her friend has, for reasons I do not know, I am guessing because they give them time in class and my daughter is getting it done. So, my daugher proceeds to help her finish her homework.

Today, it is beautiful out so the same thing happens, Oh, I have so much homework, my DD10 says I just have to finish my math. I said, Why don't you do your homework later and go outside and play. The friend says, My mom says I have to get my homework done before she picks me up. ???

It is not that I don't mind my daughter helping the girl out from time to time, but every day? Is that really my daughter's responsibility? I told them No, no homework and sent them outside. I told them they can get it done later.

I hope the girl does not get into trouble, but geez........

 

[diznygirl]

Then just send your daughter outside to play. You are right, your daughter shouldn't have to help this girl.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I watch a little girl after school everyday (DD10's friend) for about an hour and a half. Every day the friend says she has so much homework and wants to work on it as soon as she walks in our house. My DD10 only has a 1/4 of the homework her friend has, for reasons I do not know, I am guessing because they give them time in class and my daughter is getting it done. So, my daugher proceeds to help her finish her homework.

Today, it is beautiful out so the same thing happens, Oh, I have so much homework, my DD10 says I just have to finish my math. I said, Why don't you do your homework later and go outside and play. The friend says, My mom says I have to get my homework done before she picks me up. ???

It is not that I don't mind my daughter helping the girl out from time to time, but every day? Is that really my daughter's responsibility? I told them No, no homework and sent them outside. I told them they can get it done later.

I hope the girl does not get into trouble, but geez........

The way it sounds to me, is the little girl wasn't asking your DD for help, she was simply stating that her mother told her she has to do her homework after school - something a lot of parents say. I don't know what time they come to pick her up, but it may be late. They have to make/eat dinner, baths, etc and may not have the time to do homework. Yes, playing is important, but if the parents want homework done first, and your getting paid to watch this child, I think you need to do what they want. If your daughter wants to play outside, let her, and the friend will catch up when shes done.


ETA - Not that this is any of my business, (but you put it out there, so.....) I can't understand why you don't know why your daughter doesn't have as much homework as another student in her class. "My DD10 only has a 1/4 of the homework her friend has, for reasons I do not know, I am guessing because they give them time in class and my daughter is getting it done." Thats something a mom should know IMO.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I do not think you are mean. It is NOT your daughter's responsibility to help this girl daily. It is nice if she does once in a while but she should not be obligated to help at all.

I think you should talk to the other girl's mother. Find out is she really does expect her daughter to get all of her homework done while at your house. If so, nicely let her know that your DD will be playing out of doors, etc. and not always doing homework at the same time because she tend to work faster/have less work and becuase YOU want YOUR DD to get outside and get some fresh air in the afternoons (you have as much right to have your DD doing what you feel is good for her as the other mom has to have her DD get her homework done--more really as it is your house). Obviouly do not say your way is better than hers--just that you have different kids and different priorities in the afterschool hours; both of which are good ways to parent

 

[minkydog]

yeah, I smell a rat. This girl has no incentive to finish her homework if she can get your daughter to do it for her. I suspect your daughter likes school and is good at it. Your DD probably isn't going to want to play outside without her friend. So I think you're going to have to tell the mother that your policy is that your daughter plays after school to run her energy off. If the mom doesn't like that idea, then she can either suck it up and help her daughter herself or make other after-school arrangements.

 

[krcit]

My rule is homework right after school because otherwise it is too busy later with dinner, showers etc. I watch my nieces after school so everyone does their homework and then goes outside as they finish. I would have your dd go out and play when she is done-maybe the other little girl would finish up a bit faster.

 

[swanmom]

I think you should talk to the other girl's mother. Find out is she really does expect her daughter to get all of her homework done while at your house. If so, nicely let her know that your DD will be playing out of doors, etc. and not always doing homework at the same time because she tend to work faster/have less work and becuase YOU want YOUR DD to get outside and get some fresh air in the afternoons (you have as much right to have your DD doing what you feel is good for her as the other mom has to have her DD get her homework done--more really as it is your house).

I agree that this should be discussed with the other mother.... but that would have been my first step. I would not have just told the girl to disobey her mother's wishes. Puts the kid in a tough place - two adults in authority telling her to do two completely different things.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I watch a little girl after school everyday (DD10's friend) for about an hour and a half. Every day the friend says she has so much homework and wants to work on it as soon as she walks in our house. My DD10 only has a 1/4 of the homework her friend has, for reasons I do not know, I am guessing because they give them time in class and my daughter is getting it done. So, my daugher proceeds to help her finish her homework.

Today, it is beautiful out so the same thing happens, Oh, I have so much homework, my DD10 says I just have to finish my math. I said, Why don't you do your homework later and go outside and play. The friend says, My mom says I have to get my homework done before she picks me up. ???

It is not that I don't mind my daughter helping the girl out from time to time, but every day? Is that really my daughter's responsibility? I told them No, no homework and sent them outside. I told them they can get it done later.

I hope the girl does not get into trouble, but geez........

Why don't you send your dd out to play while the girl does her homework?

 

[luvsJack]

The way it sounds to me, is the little girl wasn't asking your DD for help, she was simply stating that her mother told her she has to do her homework after school - something a lot of parents say. I don't know what time they come to pick her up, but it may be late. They have to make/eat dinner, baths, etc and may not have the time to do homework. Yes, playing is important, but if the parents want homework done first, and your getting paid to watch this child, I think you need to do what they want. If your daughter wants to play outside, let her, and the friend will catch up when shes done.

If the other parent was having to pay for an afterschool program instead of the OP, the homework would not necessarily be done the way the mother wants it. If I was being paid to watch children in my home, I would have times set for outside play, snack and homework in whichever order worked best for me.

OP, I don't think your dd should have to help the other child every day either. Maybe you can suggest that she go do something else so as not to "distract" the other child? That way she can leave the room without saying she doesn't want to help the other girl.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree that this should be discussed with the other mother.... but that would have been my first step. I would not have just told the girl to disobey her mother's wishes. Puts the kid in a tough place - two adults in authority telling her to do two completely different things.

I agree about not putting the girl in between to authority figures. I would have sent my own DD out today while the other girl finished and then talked to the mom tonight (probably would have pulled her aside at "pick up" and let her know there were NO behavoural issues so not to worry but that I want to talk to her about homework time and play time and when can we speak on the phone (without the kids interupting) within the next day or two to do that? HOWEVER, I know it can be hard to think of all these things on the fly and I think it was okay for OP to send the girls out today so long as she tells the mom that the girl said she was supposed to finish her homework and that she (the OP) told her she had to go out (so girl is not in trouble) and then springboards that into a conversation with mom about how things will run on the afternoons.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I watch a little girl after school everyday (DD10's friend) for about an hour and a half. Every day the friend says she has so much homework and wants to work on it as soon as she walks in our house. My DD10 only has a 1/4 of the homework her friend has, for reasons I do not know, I am guessing because they give them time in class and my daughter is getting it done. So, my daugher proceeds to help her finish her homework.

Today, it is beautiful out so the same thing happens, Oh, I have so much homework, my DD10 says I just have to finish my math. I said, Why don't you do your homework later and go outside and play. The friend says, My mom says I have to get my homework done before she picks me up. ???

It is not that I don't mind my daughter helping the girl out from time to time, but every day? Is that really my daughter's responsibility? I told them No, no homework and sent them outside. I told them they can get it done later.

I hope the girl does not get into trouble, but geez........

I would have just sent my daughter out to play and respected the other girl's desire to get her homework done.

It sounds like the other girl has a great work ethic, getting her homework done right after school and forgoing play time. I am sure she would have preferred to go outside with your daughter, but I admire her for saying she needed to get her homework done first.

Unless this is a scheduled daily playdate for your daughter, I would have been extremely annoyed if my babysitter forbid my child to do their homework just to provide a playmate for your child. A good homework ethic is way more important than an afternoon outside, especially if there is planned family time for the evenings when she gets home.

As for why your daughter doesn't have homework, there could be many reasons for that. Some children are just slower and cannot finish all their homework in class.

If you don't want your daughter helping her everyday, and I agree she should not be helping her everyday, then redirect your daughter. But don't redirect the child you babysit when it goes against what she has been taught to do. A simple, "honey, Sally needs to her homework, let's give her some space" would be all that is needed to keep your daughter from helping.

Also, if the other girl is really using your daughter for her homework, by limiting your daughter's interaction with her during homework time, you will have nipped that in the bud. So, either way you win. By redirecting your daughter you either give the girl her space to finish her homework as her mother requested or if the girl is trying to use your daughter, you have put an end to that.

I think you need to ask yourself if you see this as a babysitting job or as a playdate for your daughter. Because if you see it as a playdate for your daughter, then you might need to find another child to babysit that does not have the stipulation that she needs to get her homework done first.

Also, I would see it as a red flag that a classmate had much more homework than my own daughter. I would be calling my daughter's teacher right away to make sure that she is getting all her homework done. 99% of the time it would be as you expected and that she was getting it done in class. But I would have to make sure it was getting done, especially if I had no idea what the daily homework situation was.

 

[joyjoy]

I feel sorry for the other little girl. It sucks bad enough that she has (for whatever reason. Maybe she struggles in class) lots more homework than your kid, now she's getting the business from you and maybe your daughter about having so much. (I'm not talking about openly giving her a hard time, but you clearly resent her having to do it while yours does not.) On top of that, if she is NOT finished by the time her mom picks her up, she gets it from her, too!

I'm impressed that she is honest and shares with everyone what she knows she must do. I don't understand why anyone would make her feel bad about it.

 

[mjkacmom]

My kids get their homework done right after school. They have many evening activities. They also do their homework a lot faster, with a lot more accuracy, at that time. Ds's friend used to come here after school, and if they had sports later on, they did their homework after school. Let your dd play, but please let this girl get her homework done.

 

[Disneyluvr]

Why does your DD have to help her? I would let my DD play if she was done with homework and let the little girl do her own homework.

 

[kpm76]

It sounds to me like your DD is offering to help her friend, not that the friend is insisting on the help. Either way, it's not a good policy for your DD to help the friend everyday. If I were in that situation, I would be finding out why this little girl has far more homework than your DD. Perhaps your DD's friend works at a slower pace and that is a perfectly reasonable explanation, but I would want to make sure my own DD was in fact completing her assignments properly and accurately.

I don't think you had any right to tell this little girl she could not do her homework. Sounds like she wanted to get it done and was willing to do it on her own. Send your DD out to play if that is what you want, but please let the friend do the responsible thing by getting her homework done.

 

[McKelly]

Well, I did talk to the mom today upon pick-up. I asked her if it would be okay if her daughter did her homework at home vs. at our house. She said it was fine and acted like it didn't matter either way. So, I guess I worried for nothing.

Now I question the girl's honesty whether or not that was her mother's rule or just something she made up so my daughter would help her get it done. When I told them to go outside, the friend did say, "But I need Mary's (my daughter) help!" Same as always. I just don't want to be blamed for the girl not understanding her homework and looking like she does, because she is copying my daughter's. But I don't want my daughter's after school time spent "tutoring" other kids, as mean as that sounds.

And by the way, I don't get paid for watching her. I am doing it as a favor for the neighbor.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I watch a little girl after school everyday (DD10's friend) for about an hour and a half. Every day the friend says she has so much homework and wants to work on it as soon as she walks in our house. My DD10 only has a 1/4 of the homework her friend has, for reasons I do not know, I am guessing because they give them time in class and my daughter is getting it done. So, my daugher proceeds to help her finish her homework.

Today, it is beautiful out so the same thing happens, Oh, I have so much homework, my DD10 says I just have to finish my math. I said, Why don't you do your homework later and go outside and play. The friend says, My mom says I have to get my homework done before she picks me up. ???

It is not that I don't mind my daughter helping the girl out from time to time, but every day? Is that really my daughter's responsibility? I told them No, no homework and sent them outside. I told them they can get it done later.

I hope the girl does not get into trouble, but geez........

I don't think you should have sent the other girl out to play. Unless there was an emergency, you should have stuck with her mother's wishes. I really don't understand why you sent the other girl outside.

I do understand you not wanting your daughter to do her friend's homework. The solution, then, imo, should be you tell your daughter no more helping her. Or, you send your daughter outside and let the girl finish her homework.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well, I did talk to the mom today upon pick-up. I asked her if it would be okay if her daughter did her homework at home vs. at our house. She said it was fine and acted like it didn't matter either way. So, I guess I worried for nothing.

Now I question the girl's honesty whether or not that was her mother's rule or just something she made up so my daughter would help her get it done. When I told them to go outside, the friend did say, "But I need Mary's (my daughter) help!" Same as always. I just don't want to be blamed for the girl not understanding her homework and looking like she does, because she is copying my daughter's. But I don't want my daughter's after school time spent "tutoring" other kids, as mean as that sounds.

And by the way, I don't get paid for watching her. I am doing it as a favor for the neighbor.

Well, then why not tell the daughter that the girl needs to do it herself? Tell the girl she needs to do her own work and if she has a legitimate question, you can help her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I did talk to the mom today upon pick-up. I asked her if it would be okay if her daughter did her homework at home vs. at our house. She said it was fine and acted like it didn't matter either way. So, I guess I worried for nothing.

Now I question the girl's honesty whether or not that was her mother's rule or just something she made up so my daughter would help her get it done. When I told them to go outside, the friend did say, "But I need Mary's (my daughter) help!" Same as always. I just don't want to be blamed for the girl not understanding her homework and looking like she does, because she is copying my daughter's. But I don't want my daughter's after school time spent "tutoring" other kids, as mean as that sounds.

And by the way, I don't get paid for watching her. I am doing it as a favor for the neighbor.

So she was copying your dd's homework or was your dd helping her? I am confused.

You are jumping to conclusions with the mother's response and now you don't trust the girl.

To be honest this arrangement does not sound like it is going to work out.

Poor kid. She wants to do her homework after school and you are raking her thru the coals.

So to answer your question, yes you are pretty mean.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, I'd still let her do her homework, but have your dd play outside. You doing her mother a big favor by watching her afterschool - even if she wanted her dd to do her homework after school, I doubt she would've said so. I can imagine it would be a huge relief to a working parent to have their children's homework done by dinnertime. The kids here who go to aftercare do it there, so home time can be family time.

When I used to watch ds11's friend, my ds was the one who took forever to do his homework (undiagnosed ADHD). When his friend was done, he would go outside, and my ds would finish inside. It would be different if this was the occassional playdate, however.