How do you react?-Hurtful Words from Teens

[CaliforniaDreamin]

OP
First of all, I hope no one flames you. Or me. LOL
I FEEL your pain. My DD16 barely speaks to me, and this is on a good day. I had to leave work due to a disability and things went downhill really fast. All of the sudden, the extra$ for Hollister and American Eagle and Coach wasn't there. She lost respect for me because I wasn't working and was so sick so much. I have given up trying to win her over, it just annoys her more. My DH will not take up for me, because she saves her worst for when he is not here. Then I will tell him and he thinks I am too sensitive and overreacting. So I basically have no one backing me up. I have BEGGED for family counseling, and have met nothing but resistance. Yes, teenage girls are the worst. They are cruel. I know it's hormones or whatever, but I have shed so many tears over this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

 

[minkydog]

Let me just point out that I go above and beyond for my kids. Everything I do in my life revolves around them. You may recall in an earlier post I asked for advice about how to handle being honest with them about certain things without being harsh. My mother has even told me my kids are spoiled brats. But to be told by your teen "You don't care about me" and other horrible things are so hurtful. How do you handle this? I get very, very upset. I think I may be feeding it by getting upset and saying things back. Not hurtful things but pointing out things that make me right. Should I learn to ignore? My oldest has no respect for me while I watch her treat everyone else like gold, except for her little sister. Everyone thinks she is the greatest kid ever and she is pretty great but I have a lot of resentment towards her.

You have my sympathy. I have some pretty great kids, but they do know how to play that song. My oldest in particular. DS24 went through a particularly hard adolescence. From the time he was 13 untl around 18 he told me every day of my life that he hated me and wished i would "wake up dead." Every. Single. Day. We tried family counseling, individual counseling. We tried to listen better and not react so much. Nothing we did helped. DS is smart and creative and funny, but he only showed those things to other people. To me he was nothing but cruel and vindictive for 5 loooong years.

All I can suggest is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep telling her you love her. EVen when her mouth is moving, she's still listening. I do think it helped me to have an outside counselor where i could vent some of my frustration and anger, and learn how to manage the feelings my son seemed to draw up so easily.

It took some years, and there were times I didn't think we would survive it, but now DS24 gets along well with us. He has even apologized "for being stupid" (his words.)

 

[Magpie]

I have 2 teenage dd's who are 19 and 14. Do they act bratty and say mean things sometimes, sure they do.

However it will be met with scathing retorts. All of us are practiced in the art of "talking smack" to each other and frankly you would be opening yourself up to a challenge.

If my dd said "you don't care about me" or other such nonsense, I think I would laugh my head off. They know it is not true, I know it is not true and it is a clear manipulation tactic that went out with elementary school to be honest.

So in short, I think that you need to take back your power here and perhaps get some counseling to find out why you allow your teens to manipulate you.

Yes, that would be my reaction, too. Along with, "You're correct! I make your lunches every day because I hate you. Hmm... No, wait, that's not right. I think I'm doing something wrong here... Should I be making your lunch?" Angry people really don't like it when you refuse to take them seriously.

 

[Becky2005]

Anyhow,
Disengage with your DD.
(ie. She says "I HATE you...." You in reply... "Yes, that's nice dear..."

You have 'engaged'.
She is pushing your buttons, emotionally....
She is doing what she knows to do as 'winning'.
But, really there are no winners.

Good Luck!!!!

Just know that there a gazillion parents of teens/preteens who are going thru the same thing.... Probably been going on since the beginning of time!

There have been a million times my DD has said 'I HATE you' and I just do the "that's nice dear" thing. I've also gotten the "You're not my friend", to which I just respond "Good, it's not my job to be your friend" I'm sure in that moment she really does hate me because she is not being allowed to do/have something she wants and well...she's mad.

There have been times I haven't particularly liked her either (doesn't mean I don't love her just didn't particularly like her at that very moment).

I know my DD & I are both VERY head strong, I knew it from the time she was little that it was going to be a battle at this point BECAUSE we have the same personalities. When I was a teen I couldn't stand my parents at times -- I never not loved them but frankly if we went back to living together under the same roof we probably would drive each other insane even as adults. I figured it was supposed to be this way with teens at some point.

 

[jrmasm]

I have 2 teenage dd's who are 19 and 14. Do they act bratty and say mean things sometimes, sure they do.

However it will be met with scathing retorts. All of us are practiced in the art of "talking smack" to each other and frankly you would be opening yourself up to a challenge.

If my dd said "you don't care about me" or other such nonsense, I think I would laugh my head off. They know it is not true, I know it is not true and it is a clear manipulation tactic that went out with elementary school to be honest.

So in short, I think that you need to take back your power here and perhaps get some counseling to find out why you allow your teens to manipulate you.

Glad I'm not the only one. Ridiculous statements like the met with something alone the lines of 'would you like me to show you mean? Because you haven't begun to see mean!' Nips that crap right in the bud with my teenager. But it might not work with every kid.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, that would be my reaction, too. Along with, "You're correct! I make your lunches every day because I hate you. Hmm... No, wait, that's not right. I think I'm doing something wrong here... Should I be making your lunch?" Angry people really don't like it when you refuse to take them seriously.

Oh yea.

My dd's are quickly hugging me telling me they love me after only a few sentences. It is amazing.

OP, since you are so invested and NEED your children's approval perhaps you have other things going on in your life which makes you hypersensitive to what your teens are saying and doing.

Maybe you are feeling excluded and they are naturally pushing you away wanting their "space". Teens go through that phase.

That is the time you put more responsibility on them and get your own life. A counselor can help you do that if you are lost.

 

[everylastbreath]

And you know what I have told her since she was little and the first time she was mad and me and said 'you're not my friend!'. I don't have to be her friend, I am her mother. My job is not to be the most liked person in her world. If I let her do anything and everything she wanted then I wouldn't be a good parent. Being a good parent mean saying No sometimes.

This kid was telling you what you were doing at a very young age, I tell people who ask for advice with kids all the same thing - YOU ARE NOT THEIR FRIEND, YOU ARE THEIR PARENT- and believe me, it is NOT a popularity contest, you will lose, get use to it, accept it- your job is to descipline them, and if they don't like you, so be it... learn to not take anything they say personally, they will only like you for a few moments (usually when you are buying them something or letting them do something they want to do) and you can not make them happy long term... Teenage girls are the worst.

 

[hambirg]

Just to reply, yes, I am married, almost 20 years. My husband works evenings, so he is not there a lot to know what goes on. And he doesn't like to get involved. And people think she's the greatest because she saves all her anger for me!!

But that is so typical! Kids know that Mom is the one person they can truly be ugly too and she's still going to love them no matter what. I know it's hard in the moment, but try to remind yourself that the reason they can act that way towards you, is because they DO know that you are always going to love them. You have actually done a good job making them feel secure enough in their relationship with you, to show you their worst.

I do think you need to not take it so personal. I know it hurts, but it is just part of what teenagers do. You know the things she is saying aren't true. So just don't engage. When my DD15 is having one of her moments, I usually just tell her, "I'm not having this conversation with you." And then I ignore her. She eventually gets over herself. Sometimes I just smile and say, "I love you too." She hates that.

 

[Frantasmic]

Reclaim the sceptor your "princess" stole from you.

It does appear you need to step back and look at how your world revolving around them turned into (in their eyes) my mother is my door mat.

Let her suffer consequences that she brings on herself. Your "involvement" probably goes above and beyond (just guessing), and they now expect your heroics in their lives.

You will probably hear it eventually and it will probably bring out lots of dissent in this thread about how wrong I am, but most parenting experts discuss that you shouldn't be your children's best friend. You are a parent. That means making decisions, punishments, etc. that aren't (and shouldn't) be popular all the time.

Let's put it this way: if your daughter doesn't learn to treat you well, then she's going to have a "boss" problem later in life. Bosses, generally, don't put up with diva behaviour.

So, teach her not to be a diva. That means you might bear the brunt of her expections as they change under your charge.

 

[Magpie]

But that is so typical! Kids know that Mom is the one person they can truly be ugly too and she's still going to love them no matter what. I know it's hard in the moment, but try to remind yourself that the reason they can act that way towards you, is because they DO know that you are always going to love them. You have actually done a good job making them feel secure enough in their relationship with you, to show you their worst.

I do think you need to not take it so personal. I know it hurts, but it is just part of what teenagers do. You know the things she is saying aren't true. So just don't engage. When my DD15 is having one of her moments, I usually just tell her, "I'm not having this conversation with you." And then I ignore her. She eventually gets over herself. Sometimes I just smile and say, "I love you too." She hates that.

My grandmother had a saying, "First they step on your apron, then they step on your heart."

I still don't know how I feel about that. I want to deny it, but I suspect it's true...

 

[tlbwriter]

And people think she's the greatest because she saves all her anger for me!!

Well, if your mother has referred to her as a "spoiled brat," obviously someone else is seeing her dark side.

 

[mjkacmom]

You need to be the grownup here! Sure, dd14 isn't very loving towards me, and barely tolerates her dad. Of course she doesn't see all we do for her - she's a teen! Barely human. I just send her off to her room, and I can't wait until college or so, when she returns to somewhat normal. I expect my kids to appreciate all we do for them - when they're 20.

 

[brockash]

I think it might be worth considering seeing a counselor (for you). It seems there are definitely some issues in your household that you could use professional advice on. Having people say your children are spoiled brats is indicative of a problem. Being resentful of your younger child is indicative of a problem. Good luck.

ITA! I don't know why you would even really respond when a kid says they don't think you care about them, ect. I mean, they're kids/teens and that's what they do. I'm sure at times that is how they feel, and I'm sure at times; they're just being over-dramatic. Did you really never feel that way when you were a kid? I really don't think them saying those things are really that bad at all. Why can't they express how they feel? I don't think that sounds disrespectful either, but maybe there are worse comments? Personally, if you think they're doing it to be over-dramatic, then I'd just ignore it. If you think something has actually happened and they might really feel that way, then maybe you could sit down 1 on 1 and have a serious talk about it, and express how much you care for them ect. You say that your whole world revolves around them...well maybe it shouldn't. Maybe you should have at least somewhat of a life of your own...maybe you wouldn't resent them then? After reading your earlier post, and this one, I think it'd be good for the whole family to go to counseling, but if you can't get the others to go...go for at least yourself. It seems like you may have some self-esteem issues -That's not meant as an insult at all; I think a lot of ppl. can relate, but I think counseling would def. help.

 

[mousebymarriage]

I completely understand! I have a similar problem with my daughter, she is an excellent student (super smart) and very sweet and helpful toward others but, she can be a handful. DD14 can be a wonderful child but, she can also be a monster. I love her with alll my heart but, sometimes I just don't like her.
When she says to me "I hate you" or "OMG, you're so mean" I just either ignore her or tell her that I am happy that she feels that way because it means I am doing my job as her mom.

My sis in law has 3 adult daughters (who grew up to be wonderful, loving women) and she told me that the ages 12 thru 16 were the absolute worst with all of them. She said 17 was a bit better and by 18 they were like a different person(sweeter, kinder and friendlier). My sis in law said that she would never want to repeat those years again.

 

[Robinrs]

Reclaim the sceptor your "princess" stole from you.

It does appear you need to step back and look at how your world revolving around them turned into (in their eyes) my mother is my door mat.

Let her suffer consequences that she brings on herself. Your "involvement" probably goes above and beyond (just guessing), and they now expect your heroics in their lives.

You will probably hear it eventually and it will probably bring out lots of dissent in this thread about how wrong I am, but most parenting experts discuss that you shouldn't be your children's best friend. You are a parent. That means making decisions, punishments, etc. that aren't (and shouldn't) be popular all the time.

Let's put it this way: if your daughter doesn't learn to treat you well, then she's going to have a "boss" problem later in life. Bosses, generally, don't put up with diva behaviour.

So, teach her not to be a diva. That means you might bear the brunt of her expections as they change under your charge.

 

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[golfgal]

Someone asked how old my daughters are, they are 13 and a newly 18 yr. old. It's the 18 yr. old giving me grief. She is in NHS, play sports, class president all through high class. Teachers adore her and is very popular, but portrays quite a queen bee personality. As I said she says very hateful words to me but I didn't mention she is also this way with her sister. They do not speak to each other at all and pretty much haven't since she became a teen, only mean things. I was always hoping my youngest would look up to her sister but she doesn't, she hates her, and I can understand why. For example, we were on vacation just two weeks ago and my 13 yo was acting kinda grumpy. We (my husband and I) said a few things to her about it but it really wasn't bothering us that much. When our girls walked around the corner, my oldest told her sister "you're a ******, YOU'RE A ******!". That's the kind of stuff she will say to her all the time. This is the only verbal exchange they have anymore. Is this normal?

Sorry but if one of my kids spoke to ANYONE that way, let alone their own sister they would be HECK to pay and they certainly would NOT be in sports and doing all that fun stuff she is doing. The problem is, you have allowed this behavior up until now and you only have about 6 months to turn her around and it isn't going to be easy on anyone. I would also have to say that there is a good chance she really isn't all that popular at school if this is how she acts. Yes, she may have a lot of people she hangs out with, but they probably don't really like her.

What did you and your DH do when she said this to her sister and WHY would you want her little sister looking up to someone that acts like that???

 

[Wishing on a star]

When our girls walked around the corner, my oldest told her sister "you're a ******, YOU'RE A ******!". That's the kind of stuff she will say to her all the time. This is the only verbal exchange they have anymore. Is this normal?

NO....

Not on my planet.

 

[wenmc]

Deleted