How do you make the most if it in a bad situation?

[2MuchOhana]

Help! The in-law's are going to be there for the first week of our trip. We had hoped that our lousy relationship with them would have improved; but it is still as bad as ever despite our best effort. Problem being they don't do anything to improve it and often do things to make it worse. Now we are stuck with these people for a whole week.

They haven't seen our DD in almost nine months. Their choice not ours. Now they expect to spend all this wonderful time with her. We offered to pay for their trip to Disney in July to be there to celebrate DD 2nd birthday. They went camping with their other GD instead.

We thought things were going to improve when we agreed to let them join us and my DP. We thought we would have a chance to work things out before this trip; but they keep coming up with excuses not to. We put a lot of time and effort into planning this trip. We talked about canceling our trip; but that isn't fair to us or my parents.

We are trying hard to keep positive thoughts here. Maybe things will be okay. Would welcome any words of encouragement. We are doing this for DD. We know how important good memories are; and don't want to keep her from her other set of Grandparents. Just wish they wanted to be more of a part of her life.

Please send us some pixe dust! We could use a little right now. Think Tink! We Believe in the power of magic, love and Pixie Dust!

 

[alohamom]

I can remember a family trip to Busch Gardens where my parents brought my newly widowed Grandmother along. The tension was so thick by the end of the trip you could cut it with the cliched knife! I was about 11 or so and I remember vividly the arguements and lack of pixie dust ! So, my thoughts are to go the higher ground for the sake of your child. If the inlaws bait you, bug you, taunt or tease you-IGNORE it. Try to look at your daughter and remember the love that is there for you. You are the role models taht she looks up to. I am sure that the Disney magic will work it's spell and bring you all closer together. Sorry for preaching, and i do admire your concern. I wouldn't stress about it though. Take it as it comes and smile, smile, smile!!

 

[Teri Zolman]

We have the same relationship with my in-laws. I would recomend not spending the whole week together all the time. Plan some time with each sent of grandparents and some all together time and some just your family time. This may work. Hard to tell till you get there and see how things go. They may be on their best behavior and surprise you. Good Luck and lots of Pixie Dust.

 

[2MuchOhana]

alohamom,

You really weren't preaching in my opinion. I agree that we will have to be the bigger people and seek the highter ground for the sake of our daughter. This happens everytime we are around them. Even though DD is very young she is still smart enough to sense when something isn't right. My DH is a little better at letting the things his parents do and say slide off his back; afterall he has had to deal with this a lot longer than the 14 years we have been together! I will be honest I have a little harder time. I hate the way they treat their son, me and our daughter. So, I pray that the pixie dust will work its magic and Disney will cast a beautiful spell over this trip!

Teri,

Thanks I need to hear that. We had planned special things with just us and DH parents; but will change those plans. We arranged a CP dinner for them and us. We weren't planning on going to the CP itself as we are doing it on Christmas Day. I will cancel our dinners and let them have the evening to themselves instead to enjoy the CP and dinner. Also, we are sharing an Illuminations cruise. Someone kind enough to share. I paid the additional fee to upgrade to a birthday cruise to celebrate FIL birthday late. Think we will bump them off and go ourselves. My parents were babysitting; so may take my dad (mom doesn't want to go and worry about DD getting sick if it is cold). Otherwise I know there are a lot of people on this board that would love to take their place.

Thanks for the Pixie Dust! Keep it coming. I will keep praying and believing.

 

[crisi]

Good luck,

We took my mother in law in October - and reading other people's relationship stories makes me so grateful that my mother in law is a generous and compromising person. She isn't a "Disney" person, but was a good sport for our trip - and it really sounds like you guys are most worried about your in-laws being good sports.

One of the things we did was plan a couple of days that we knew she wouldn't want to do. A day at the waterpark. A pirate cruise for the kids. She wasn't going to spend the day at a waterpark, and the pirate cruise was "kids only"

Good luck with yours.

 

[2MuchOhana]

Thanks Crisi,

We are going to need all the luck, pixie dust and prayers we can get! We appreciate your kind wishes.

These people can't take a hint even if you come right out and tell them! They will stick to us like glue no matter what we decide to do whether they would like it or not just to spite us.

On the upside, I forgot to mention we will be there for two weeks! The in-law's (out-law's) will only be be with us the first week. So there is time to recover the magic should it somehow get lost. We are driving down with my parents. DH feels that they are more of a parent to him than his own. I have to agree with that one.

Okay Pumba and Timon we could use a little Hakuna Matata around here in addition to that Pixie Dust! Tinker Bell where are you?

I Believe! CLAP CLAP CLAP!

 

[Jordan's MOM]

You are getting lots of good ideas. I agree to make some plans that they might not want to go along for. Another idea is that if you trust them alone with your child, to have them spend some time aone with her, and you spend some time alone with DH. A nice dinner while they keep DD at the resort, or have them take her back for a nap while the two of you get some "time away " in the park. Another suggestion might be to let Dh spend some time aone with them while you spend some thim with your parents.

My only caution is to make sure that DD does not get caught in the middle between two sets of grandparents and her parents. Let them spoil her rotten for the week and remember that the more people that love her the better.
GOOD LUCK.

Jordan's mom

 

[crisi]

Going for two weeks is a wonderful idea. I got my Disney cruise out of taking my mother in law. I was so stressed that it was going to be horrible that I finally said to my husband "I'm just going to go ahead and book this for just us, that way, no matter what happens, I'll be able to "make it up" to myself with this." Our cruise is in Feburary.

Our trip with my mother in law turned out much better than I anticipated, but it was helpful knowing that I had the other vacation to look forward to when I stressed.

 

[Lewski709]

Kudos to you, first of all for sucking it up and making the plans. For your DH, DD and relationship sake it is wonderful! I don't know if I could do that. In fact, I think I would rather vomit daily than have to spend a vacation with my in-laws. Thankfully, my DH doesn't want to spend any overnight time with them either.

Look at DD and know that this is for her (and secretly you too) and ignore the bad vibes you may get or feel from ANYONE!

Excellent to make plans that they won't like so you can go alone.

Secretly try to divide yourself from them. If you were flying, DD can sit with them and you and DH could sit 5 rows the opposite direction. I know you aren't flying, but maybe you get my drift.

Get up really early, maybe they will decide to just meet you there.

Most important.......don't let them ruin anything and don't put DD in the middle of anything.

You are STRONG and in my thoughts!

 

[mommyflower]

I'm not sure what advice to give you. I just wanted to say I know how you feel and to send some PD your way. My MIL and her husband live five hours away from us now. They lived 45 minutes away until right before my DS, now 2 1/2, was born. They moved because they wanted to and never really discussed the situation with us. Not that they need anyone's permission to move, but you can't move five hours away and expect to be visited as often as you were when you lived 45 minutes away. MIL has way too many unrealistic expectations about what my family should do. She on the other hand makes no effort to be a good grandmother or mother. They come to visit us about four times a year with little or no notice and expect us to drop everything and spend time with them. For example the last time we went to WDW they just happened to show up the day we got home and expected to visit. We had been on a 7:30 AM flight and my DS was 18 months at the time. We were exausted, need to do laundry, and to go to the store. Unfortunitely my DH has been a little too accommodating for his mother, so the did visit that day. But after almost three years of this DH is finally going equally as crazy as I am. I am at the point that I want nothing to do with her, but for the sake of DH & DS I suffer through it. Don't get me wrong I would like nothing more than for DS to have a good relationship with his grandmother, but there is only so much you can take.
We will be going to MIL's for thanksgiving and then to WDW on our own. I hope I can get through the 2 1/2 days with MIL. I am just going to be thinking about my WDW trip when she starts to drive me crazy. I'm sorry this was so long. I guess maybe I needed to vent a little to an understanding ear.
Stick to your plans and try not to let them get to you. Just remember you have another week with out them. I wish you lots of luck and I hope you have a great time!

 

[crisi]

I'm over to the community board to post a thread on bad in laws. Sounds like some venting needs to be done.

 

[debster812]

Soltwisch Family--first off, you have my admiration for doing this! That being said, I think time apart is a great idea, and for a touch of inspiration, if you have not already read thes, take a look at the Trip Report written by delswife. delswife epic

She is hysterically funny, her family is great, and she was challenged by travelling with the SIL from hell. But some of her asides in deal with said SIL are great!

It's a long read, there are 47 installments, but they are pretty short, and Zurg has done a great job organizing it, on the thead I posted above.

Good Luck, and I think you will have a great trip! You will, after all, be at WDW!!

Debbie

 

[2MuchOhana]

Thank-you for all you support and words of encouragement! They mean a great deal to me especially now.

I really hate seeing all the hurt and pain in my DH's eyes. We asked his parents to meet us half way for Thanksgiving. We live 700 mile apart. My parent's offered us the use of their home to stay and talk things out. Well, the IL's decided to go further and spend the holiday with DH's grandmother in Chicago instead. Okay we could have worked around that. The clincher came when they decided to bring our niece with them; so we couldn't talk about anything. The worse part of it is they are bringing her so that SIL can spend her weekend hunting with her live-in BF. They have her almost every weekend plus after school despite the fact that SIL has a 9 to 5 job M-F. Must be nice to be a mother when you choose to be; but still live and act as though you were 18. Okay enough on that.

Anyway, I am trying very hard here to stay strong and be positive.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. If you have any Pixie Dust you could spare we would really appreciate it.

 

[Gretchen]

First, I sympathize with you. What a bummer to have "uncooperative" in laws. I however, am blessed with wonderful in laws. But neither of us really want to vacation with the other! They aren't into the whole Disney thing, and probably think I'm nuts but that's the way it is! LOL Everyone has their own style, so live and let live...
Anyway, for the advice: no one can take advantage of you or make you upset, pissed, annoyed, without your permission. Just make up your mind they are not going to ruin your trip, you are going to have a great time, and that's just the way it's gonna be! As for trying to work things out, I don't know your entire situation, but sometimes you just need to accept things/people the way they are and what they are willing to give you, and stop trying so hard to change the situation. You can only be in control of how you react and feel, and can't control how they react, et. Is your SIL their daughter? I hate to tell you, but that seems to be the way things work, some in Laws just feel closer to their daughters when it comes to kids than their sons. Just an observation. I agree with the other posters, plan a few special things to do with them, and don't force it. Go with the flow the first week, and have fun the second. Read Del's wife's trip report, she is a stitch!
So, good luck, and it won't be that bad, and if you really think it's gonna be, find a good counselor to give you some tools you can use to not let them get to you!
Pixie Dust to you,
Gretchen

 

[2MuchOhana]

Gretchen,

I know that you are right in more ways than one. One of the first things they ever told us was that a son is a son until he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter for life. How truly sad that they live their lives by old cliches. They have and will continue to miss out on a lot in their son's life and now their granddaughter's too.

We have both agreed that things will never change; so we will just have to accept the lousy relationship for what it is. We have told them how we felt. Since they don't seem to care, we won't keep trying.

You are right, we do control how we chose to react to things. And we can not control how they will or won't react. So, we will go and have the vacation that we want and planned for with a few modifications. If they don't like it too bad for them. Life is too short; and it's time we start living it.

All I say is that I am so grateful that I have the parents that I do. It makes me appreciate them that much more.

 

[2MuchOhana]

We had planned to take them with us on the Illuminations cruise on December 18. I was fortunate enough to obtain four seats from a fellow DIS Board member. We are considering not asking them to join us; so there might be two seats open if anyone is interested. Would enjoy the time with fellow DIS members more!