How do you handle the "backtalk"

[alldiz]

i've posted before about what i did when ds was behaving this way (and still use as a threat when he does now).

one day after the umpteenth argument with back talk i just flat out asked ds if he ever behaved that way with his teacher (i knew he did'nt-never would dream to) and he said 'no'. i asked him why and he said 'well, she's THE TEACHER'. so i told him that if the only way i could get him to behave at home the way he behaved at school was to have a teacher direct him so be it. i then told him that until further notice i was 'mrs. barkley' and we would be operating home like school. if he wanted to ask a question he had to approach me with his hand raised and i would call on him if he wanted to go out of the area i had already designated (like from the house into the backyard) he would need to request a 'hall pass'. i also told him that i would be keeping track of his 'performance' and as such grades would be assigned that would determine if he qualified for certain privledges (tv, gaming...). the kicker was he could only call me 'mrs. barkley'.

this arrangement lasted about 4 hours one day during which ds got very frustrated because 'mrs. barkley' did'nt operate the way 'mom' did. there were set times to do things and consequences were swift and firm (and he did'nt like seeing them reflected on the 'classroom' fridge wipeboard for his sister to see ). by the time dh got home that night and asked ds 'where's mom', ds wailed 'i no longer have a mother, mrs. barkley lives here now' (dh's reaction ). BUT it worked. mrs. barkley had to come back on a few occasions and now we're to the point that i have only to suggest it and start making the motions of putting the 'class schedual' on the wipe board-and ds straightens up pretty quickly.

don't know if it will work for you but for my ds it at least got him to realize that he could'nt pick and choose who he was on his good behaviour with.

I LOVE THAT
Kerri

 

[shortbun]

Not with my own child but with the children I work with every day, I tell myself. Self-why would you argue with a CHILD? Stop talking. They are children. Just walk away either physically or emotionally. Tell her you are going where you go when you are angry and go to your room. Maybe she'll start going to her room instead of arguing. yeah, right. Well, it COULD happen.

 

[mom2boys77]

This is really great!!! I will have to try it! It reminds me of the book "Miss Nelson is Missing"..the teacher is wonderful but the kids..not so much until she disappears and Miss Viola Swamp shows up..the kids end up being so grateful to have Miss Nelson back they never misbehave again OP, I totally feel for you..I have 2 boys 6 and 12 and I am going through the same thing on different levels..let me tell you anyone that thinks boys cannot have some sort of PMS they have never had a 12 year old..I swear he has more mood swings than me!! I don't have anything to tell you except to try to be as consistant as you can with discipline and as hard as it is try not to lose your temper..it really just makes it worse. And you're not alone

i've posted before about what i did when ds was behaving this way (and still use as a threat when he does now).

one day after the umpteenth argument with back talk i just flat out asked ds if he ever behaved that way with his teacher (i knew he did'nt-never would dream to) and he said 'no'. i asked him why and he said 'well, she's THE TEACHER'. so i told him that if the only way i could get him to behave at home the way he behaved at school was to have a teacher direct him so be it. i then told him that until further notice i was 'mrs. barkley' and we would be operating home like school. if he wanted to ask a question he had to approach me with his hand raised and i would call on him if he wanted to go out of the area i had already designated (like from the house into the backyard) he would need to request a 'hall pass'. i also told him that i would be keeping track of his 'performance' and as such grades would be assigned that would determine if he qualified for certain privledges (tv, gaming...). the kicker was he could only call me 'mrs. barkley'.

this arrangement lasted about 4 hours one day during which ds got very frustrated because 'mrs. barkley' did'nt operate the way 'mom' did. there were set times to do things and consequences were swift and firm (and he did'nt like seeing them reflected on the 'classroom' fridge wipeboard for his sister to see ). by the time dh got home that night and asked ds 'where's mom', ds wailed 'i no longer have a mother, mrs. barkley lives here now' (dh's reaction ). BUT it worked. mrs. barkley had to come back on a few occasions and now we're to the point that i have only to suggest it and start making the motions of putting the 'class schedual' on the wipe board-and ds straightens up pretty quickly.

don't know if it will work for you but for my ds it at least got him to realize that he could'nt pick and choose who he was on his good behaviour with.

 

[alldiz]

Not with my own child but with the children I work with every day, I tell myself. Self-why would you argue with a CHILD? Stop talking. They are children. Just walk away either physically or emotionally. Tell her you are going where you go when you are angry and go to your room. Maybe she'll start going to her room instead of arguing. yeah, right. Well, it COULD happen.

Thats a good idea.....I'll go to MY "zen" place
Sometimes I catch myself quick and realize I'm NEVER going to win....and I just go quiet. Other times takes me a little while to get it

This is really great!!! I will have to try it! It reminds me of the book "Miss Nelson is Missing"..the teacher is wonderful but the kids..not so much until she disappears and Miss Viola Swamp shows up..the kids end up being so grateful to have Miss Nelson back they never misbehave again OP, I totally feel for you..I have 2 boys 6 and 12 and I am going through the same thing on different levels..let me tell you anyone that thinks boys cannot have some sort of PMS they have never had a 12 year old..I swear he has more mood swings than me!! I don't have anything to tell you except to try to be as consistant as you can with discipline and as hard as it is try not to lose your temper..it really just makes it worse. And you're not alone

I think I will try some version of "Mrs.Barkley"....that is priceless.
Consistency is the key....I usually am...but sometimes I slip and then the "monster" comes back. I guess in my own head I can't comprehend why doing the "simple" everyday things after 6 YEARS is still a struggle.

Then I snap out of it and thank god my brain dosen't think like a 6 yr old
Kerri
Kerri

 

[Kimmielee]

Learn to pick your battles. If your on them about little things, then when you need them to listen about big things, they have already tuned you out.

Also, I have found that I actually have very few rules, but the ones I have are not flexable or negotiable, the rest of the stuff just doesn't matter that much so you have to let them make their own mistakes.

If she doesn't brush her hair, well the kids at school will make enough fun of her that next time she will do it herself etc.

Ya know... I hadn't looked at it this way. This is really good advice too! You are a great Dad... Gregg. I hope I still know you when Noah is the age of your boys... I'll need your advice then too!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Ever since mine were little, I've told them that backtalk was "unacceptable" (my words literally), also whining, and eye rolling (at least where I could see it ). I was consistent. The very few times they did - I spanked them. It only took one time for my son, & one time for my dd (and a few talking to/time outs, I don't like spanking). To this day they do not backtalk me. They argue their points, but they are not disrespectful. At the same time, I also treat my children with respect.

One time, a few years ago, I was after my dd, and scolded her to clean the kitchen. She did so quietly. Later on, I thanked her for not disrespecting me and not talking back to me. Her response? "Oh, but I was thinking it." That made me laugh. I told her she could think whatever she wanted, but she just couldn't disrespect me.

 

[alldiz]

Ever since mine were little, I've told them that backtalk was "unacceptable" (my words literally), also whining, and eye rolling (at least where I could see it ). I was consistent. The very few times they did - I spanked them. It only took one time for my son, & one time for my dd (and a few talking to/time outs, I don't like spanking). To this day they do not backtalk me. They argue their points, but they are not disrespectful. At the same time, I also treat my children with respect.

One time, a few years ago, I was after my dd, and scolded her to clean the kitchen. She did so quietly. Later on, I thanked her for not disrespecting me and not talking back to me. Her response? "Oh, but I was thinking it." That made me laugh. I told her she could think whatever she wanted, but she just couldn't disrespect me.

I need to be consistant ALL THE TIME i see....
I slack off sometimes because I think she gets it......and I don't have to have the "big guns" ready.
Every time I think that.....she proves me wrong.

I am going to have a tough time with the yelling.....because as much as my DH disagrees.....He is a yeller. His mom was deaf....so I understand where it comes from....dosen't make it any easier though.
We grow up as a product of our environment.....I realize I can't change my husband....so my DD will have the "yelling" instinct.(or as DH says...."raising his voice in frustration").I need to control how I react to it.
Kerri

 

[wtpntigger2]

I had to go downstairs and check to see if my dd5 was still there as I thought she had moved into your house.

I don't have much advice as I am going through the same thing here in my home, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone especially in your feelings at times of anger. I just keep trying to remind myself of what a good kid dd really is, but it isn't always easy when she is in full meltdown mode.

 

[kimluvswdw]

Hi,
My DD6 is driving me crazy....I'm about to lose it with the daily battles over normal things...ie brushing hair, teeth, getting dressed.....Is the sky Blue

She just is always arguementative and I don't know what to do.
Besides grabbing her by the short hairs and putting her in her room I am at a loss.
Some days I want to BEAT HER SENSELESS.....I would never do it because I know it will make it worse....but I just want to knock her teeth down her throat when she starts her baloney.
Thanks for listening....Vent over.
Kerri

Sounds like my daughter too. Sometimes I want to lock her in the shed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have 2 dd's that are 17 and 11. The 11yodd is the GET READY AS SLOW AS MOLASSES kid.

The thing that works for a kid that wants "control" is to let them set a "schedule". Give them an alarm clock, make up a time schedule, lunch menu's, whatever is the issue.

So they wake up at X time, shower at X time, brush hair time, etc....

Then on have a list of things that were planned for the week. If the kid throws a fit you walk over and crossed it off the list.
Don't say anything.

This is certainly an age appropriate way of getting your point across.

 

[Amlee]

I have helped raise my nieces and nephews since they day they were born. Their parents will tell you they mind me better than them. But I don't put up with their crap, and the kids know it.

I'm a big believer in the giving and taking of things. Rudeness, Misbehaving, and Disrespect will NOT be but up with.

My middle niece is the only one I have ever really had to handle, as the others saw what happened with her. We had planned a shopping/movie/lazer tag trip. I walked into their house and she was screaming at her mother about something. She was quickly told that she would not be going on this trip and would have to remain home. The rest of us loaded up and went. We had a great time. She was never left behind again.

My nephew will lose his computer, playstation, or tv rights.

 

[tazdev3225]

I sympathize with you. My DD who is now 21 argued with me over everything. I picked my battles and didn't sweat the small issues. This started when she could talk and got worse as she got older. One day when she couldn't get her own way she told me I HATE you. I looked at her very calmly and said, "Thank you, my work is done". She had no response to that. We are now very close and she has already set limits on her 8 month old DS. He bit her today and she put him in his seat for a 1 minute time out. She realizes what a difficult child she was and is determined to change this with her child.
I agree with other posters, of you are ready to lose it - LEAVE. She knows she has won. Go outside take a few deep breaths and recompose yourself. Do it for as long as you need to and then go back in and deal with the situation. It is hard but it will get better - some day.

 

[Mommy2cody]

My son is 7 and has started with the back talking too!! I very quickly learned the eye...let me tell you it works wonders. I don't have many rules but I am dead set on them. I think the most important thing is to be consistent. If one time they don’t get away with it and the next time they do, they will keep pushing because they know they got away with it once before. Now, I will tell my son something and if he goes to open his precious little mouth, I give him the eye. Every once in a while I will throw in a comment like...."I wouldn't even try it kid" Just in case he gets any ideas! It takes a few times though. I am loud, VERY loud...so the first time he tried to talk back to me, I talked WAY louder then him. So he knew I couldn’t even hear him while he was talking. Every time he tried to repeat it, I did the same (WHILE giving the eye) Now I can just give the eye and he gets it!! Works great with the husband too...sometimes he thinks he is 7 as well! (I’m just saying!!)

 

[alldiz]

I had to go downstairs and check to see if my dd5 was still there as I thought she had moved into your house.

I don't have much advice as I am going through the same thing here in my home, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone especially in your feelings at times of anger. I just keep trying to remind myself of what a good kid dd really is, but it isn't always easy when she is in full meltdown mode.

She is sleeping now.....the little angel that she is Boy she had me soooo angry this morning.....but it feels like such a distant memory right now, "my little angel couldn't have been misbehavin"

Sounds like my daughter too. Sometimes I want to lock her in the shed.

Don't make you a bad person

I have 2 dd's that are 17 and 11. The 11yodd is the GET READY AS SLOW AS MOLASSES kid.

The thing that works for a kid that wants "control" is to let them set a "schedule". Give them an alarm clock, make up a time schedule, lunch menu's, whatever is the issue.

So they wake up at X time, shower at X time, brush hair time, etc....

Then on have a list of things that were planned for the week. If the kid throws a fit you walk over and crossed it off the list.
Don't say anything.

This is certainly an age appropriate way of getting your point across.

I really like this.....She is a control freak, and I think this approach might actually work. Thanks

I have helped raise my nieces and nephews since they day they were born. Their parents will tell you they mind me better than them. But I don't put up with their crap, and the kids know it.

I'm a big believer in the giving and taking of things. Rudeness, Misbehaving, and Disrespect will NOT be but up with.

My middle niece is the only one I have ever really had to handle, as the others saw what happened with her. We had planned a shopping/movie/lazer tag trip. I walked into their house and she was screaming at her mother about something. She was quickly told that she would not be going on this trip and would have to remain home. The rest of us loaded up and went. We had a great time. She was never left behind again.

My nephew will lose his computer, playstation, or tv rights.

She missed a tea party with her Daisy troop some months back that she was soooo looking forward too. I will have to remind her about that....and mention the birthday party she wants to go to

I sympathize with you. My DD who is now 21 argued with me over everything. I picked my battles and didn't sweat the small issues. This started when she could talk and got worse as she got older. One day when she couldn't get her own way she told me I HATE you. I looked at her very calmly and said, "Thank you, my work is done". She had no response to that. We are now very close and she has already set limits on her 8 month old DS. He bit her today and she put him in his seat for a 1 minute time out. She realizes what a difficult child she was and is determined to change this with her child.
I agree with other posters, of you are ready to lose it - LEAVE. She knows she has won. Go outside take a few deep breaths and recompose yourself. Do it for as long as you need to and then go back in and deal with the situation. It is hard but it will get better - some day.

It must be so funny/awesome for you to see your DD trying to be a good parent....so she dosen't have such a hard time as you did.
Kerri

 

[alldiz]

My son is 7 and has started with the back talking too!! I very quickly learned the eye...let me tell you it works wonders. I don't have many rules but I am dead set on them. I think the most important thing is to be consistent. If one time they don’t get away with it and the next time they do, they will keep pushing because they know they got away with it once before. Now, I will tell my son something and if he goes to open his precious little mouth, I give him the eye. Every once in a while I will throw in a comment like...."I wouldn't even try it kid" Just in case he gets any ideas! It takes a few times though. I am loud, VERY loud...so the first time he tried to talk back to me, I talked WAY louder then him. So he knew I couldn’t even hear him while he was talking. Every time he tried to repeat it, I did the same (WHILE giving the eye) Now I can just give the eye and he gets it!! Works great with the husband too...sometimes he thinks he is 7 as well! (I’m just saying!!)

 

[Pigeon]

I would highly recommend that you go to your public library and check out 1-2-3 Magic. It's a book (also a video) on a disciplinary method that is great for dealing with this kind of behavior. It is NOT the same as just giving the child to the count of 3 to do something that our mothers used to do. Read the book--it's a fast read and it will give you a plan of attack that will allow you to keep your cool and get back in control.

I have a 10 yo who is our little attorney-in-training. She used to drive me out of my mind with the arguments and the back talk. I started this technique with her a few years ago, and it's been great. It has just about eliminated the yelling and the power struggles we were engaging in, and things are much happier and smoother around our house.

 

[kimmar067]

Hi,
My DD6 is driving me crazy....I'm about to lose it with the daily battles over normal things...ie brushing hair, teeth, getting dressed.....Is the sky Blue

She just is always arguementative and I don't know what to do.
Besides grabbing her by the short hairs and putting her in her room I am at a loss.
Some days I want to BEAT HER SENSELESS.....I would never do it because I know it will make it worse....but I just want to knock her teeth down her throat when she starts her baloney.
Thanks for listening....Vent over.
Kerri

....what??? Did you say something??? I'm sorry - I had cotton balls in my ears.......






















[....but seriously - 'been there, done that'.....you gotta pick and choose your 'battles'...GOOD LUCK!]

 

[alldiz]

I would highly recommend that you go to your public library and check out 1-2-3 Magic. It's a book (also a video) on a disciplinary method that is great for dealing with this kind of behavior. It is NOT the same as just giving the child to the count of 3 to do something that our mothers used to do. Read the book--it's a fast read and it will give you a plan of attack that will allow you to keep your cool and get back in control.

I have a 10 yo who is our little attorney-in-training. She used to drive me out of my mind with the arguments and the back talk. I started this technique with her a few years ago, and it's been great. It has just about eliminated the yelling and the power struggles we were engaging in, and things are much happier and smoother around our house.

I will be going to the library today to inquire about 1-2-3 Magic.

....what??? Did you say something??? I'm sorry - I had cotton balls in my ears.......






















[....but seriously - 'been there, done that'.....you gotta pick and choose your 'battles'...GOOD LUCK!]

I know....the key is for me to stay calm....When did this get so hard
Thanks everyone....I feel so much better.....and you guys have given me such great ideas
Kerri

 

[kimmar067]

...hey, worse comes to worse, you can always hire the SUPERNANNY......

 

[alldiz]

...hey, worse comes to worse, you can always hire the SUPERNANNY......

Seriously.....I need to watch that show again....that is where I got the "naughty chair" from
Kerri