How do you handle offensive people?

[npmommie]

there is a mom in our small homeschool group. she joined up with the group about 2 years ago, i have been with this group a little more than 4 yrs.
anyway, she always says the most offensive things, and she insults people with her views sometimes.
for instance she is very opinionated and feels her way of thinking is the only right way.
everytime I am around her I feel myself feeling agitated inside.

everyone else just says laughingly "oh that's just her, she has no tact" hahaha.

but at what point is it no longer acceptable?

she insults people on religion, how they choose to live, working mom or sahm, etc etc.............I feel its insulting the way she states things, with no regard to how anyone else around her feels.

I feel like distancing my self from some group activites because of her, but we have some friendships for years with some of these families, and if I distance myself then my kids lose out.

so how do you handle an offensive person you don't want to be around and don't want to talk to?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Give me an example....start with religion. I mean there are some things I can ignore.

Now if she is sitting there saying Jesus is the only way and others are going to hell, I would have to have some snappy comebacks for that.

Basically you have canned responses for some of her stuff, and then you go "la-la-la" in your head if she is speaking to you. Say things like "oh" and "ah".

Tune her out like a whining child.

 

[cjb71870]

o

 

[The Orchid]

If you come up with any answers, PLEASE let me know. It sounds like you are describing my partner's mother. Could it be that she has a twin???? That woman says some of the nastiest things I have ever heard come out of a human mouth.

For what its worth, this woman in your home school group probably doesn't like herself very much. If she did, she wouldn't enjoy putting other people down so much. That's what I've been told about mean people anyway. I can't say knowing that has helped me cope with my partner's mom very much...is it helping you?

Mean people suck. I wish everybody could just be happy. Is it really THAT hard to do? All I can really do is wish you luck. I truly know how you feel. Try to keep a sense of humor about it. Mystery Machine is right, the more you can tune it out the better. I just can't master the skill of putting people on ignore.

 

[The Orchid]

Give me an example....start with religion. I mean there are some things I can ignore.

Now if she is sitting there saying Jesus is the only way and others are going to hell, I would have to have some snappy comebacks for that.

Basically you have canned responses for some of her stuff, and then you go "la-la-la" in your head if she is speaking to you. Say things like "oh" and "ah".

Tune her out like a whining child.

That is great advice, but how do you learn to not take it personally? Is there some trick to this? I know there are people who can simply roll their eyes and let that kind of stuff bounce off of them. But how?????

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mystery Machine is right, the more you can tune it out the better. I just can't master the skill of putting people on ignore.

I didn't say it was easy. It is my dad that tests my limits. I let loose on him big time a few months ago.

Now I am in more control.

I *try* and strive toward a more Eastern philosophy, in that maintaining your own self, emotions, mouth, etc...is the highest form of self-discipline.

It is always a work in progress.

 

[The Orchid]

I didn't say it was easy. It is my dad that tests my limits. I let loose on him big time a few months ago.

Now I am in more control.

I *try* and strive toward a more Eastern philosophy, in that maintaining your own self, emotions, mouth, etc...is the highest form of self-discipline.

It is always a work in progress.

Well that explains it, I can't control my emotions! Never was very good at that. I suppose that means there's little hope for me.

Did it help when you let loose on your dad? Did you feel better? And did your dad lighten up afterward? I don't think many people have ever stood up to my partner's mom and I tend to wonder what would happen if they did. Typically, I am not afraid to stand up to people, but I REALLY love my girlfriend, so I keep my mouth shut. But omg is it hard! I'm so not used to being a doormat. I hope she knows how much I love her and how much self control I have maintained for her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well that explains it, I can't control my emotions! Never was very good at that. I suppose that means there's little hope for me.

Did it help when you let loose on your dad? Did you feel better? And did your dad lighten up afterward? I don't think many people have ever stood up to my partner's mom and I tend to wonder what would happen if they did. Typically, I am not afraid to stand up to people, but I REALLY love my girlfriend, so I keep my mouth shut. But omg is it hard! I'm so not used to being a doormat. I hope she knows how much I love her and how much self control I have maintained for her.

Did it help? In the end, no. You end up feeling like crap for losing control. And of course my dad is not going to change.

When it boils down to it, you are the one who has to live with how you behave.

My BIL is someone who listens and says little. I try to emulate that as well. Sometimes it is worth it to keep your mouth shut.

 

[The Orchid]

Did it help? In the end, no. You end up feeling like crap for losing control. And of course my dad is not going to change.

When it boils down to it, you are the one who has to live with how you behave.

My BIL is someone who listens and says little. I try to emulate that as well. Sometimes it is worth it to keep your mouth shut.

I'm sure you're right, it is better to stay silent. The hard part is growing that thick skin and not allowing toxic words to penetrate you. Those who manage that are very strong in my opinion.

 

[DMRick]

It's too bad you can't put her on ignore, like I have with someone on the Dis LOL!
Seriously though, it's almost impossible to be friends with a know it all. Distancing yourself like you have been may be all that saves you from her. Someone that acts like your friend usually has to say things that make her the center of attention, and important.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

there is a mom in our small homeschool group. she joined up with the group about 2 years ago, i have been with this group a little more than 4 yrs.
anyway, she always says the most offensive things, and she insults people with her views sometimes.
for instance she is very opinionated and feels her way of thinking is the only right way.
everytime I am around her I feel myself feeling agitated inside.

everyone else just says laughingly "oh that's just her, she has no tact" hahaha.

but at what point is it no longer acceptable?

she insults people on religion, how they choose to live, working mom or sahm, etc etc.............I feel its insulting the way she states things, with no regard to how anyone else around her feels.

I feel like distancing my self from some group activites because of her, but we have some friendships for years with some of these families, and if I distance myself then my kids lose out.

so how do you handle an offensive person you don't want to be around and don't want to talk to?

I know exactly the kind of person you are talking about. However, you are giving her too much power. Who cares what she has to say? When she says her crazy stuff just blow her off. The other Moms know she is a bit much so it is not only you. Talk to the other Moms and don't try to engage this person. She might have a lot of opinions but ut almost seems like you want to "tell her" where she is wrong. Don't waste your time. Block her out and just treat her cordially. I wouldn't leave a group that I enjoyed just because of one person. Why let her ruin yours and your kids good time? You are giving her way too much power. Smile and nod and move on when she speaks to you.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That is great advice, but how do you learn to not take it personally? Is there some trick to this? I know there are people who can simply roll their eyes and let that kind of stuff bounce off of them. But how?????

My grandmother told me that you can only have a feeling about something if you care about the person. If you genuinely don't give a rat's behind about this woman then you will find her comments mean nothing. Look at the person for who they are and you will be better able to tune them out.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have a lot of experience with crazy...being related to my SIL like I am.

People like that are looking to get a rise out of you. So don't give her a rise. If she says something inapprpriate, say "My, what an inaapropriate thing to say" and shake your head at her as if she is to be pitied. When she reacts to you, as she invariably will, simply say "I don't involve myself in inappropriate conversations like that" and then change the subject. She will invariably keep "pushing", saiyng things like "What do you mean by inappropriate?" or "How am I being inappropriate?". Just continue to repeat "As I said, I don't involve myself in inappropriate conversations, and we are having a different conversation now". Right now, because she is the pushiest and most obnoxious one in the group, and everyone else has better manners, she's running the show. So stop letting her.

The secret is to develop an attitude/facial expression of pity mixed ever so slightly with disgust. But mostly pity. Pity really pisses crazy people off. And you have to keep your voice and demeanor calm, as if what she says doesn't bother you per se, but you feel ever so sorry that she is like that.

Easy to say, hard to do. I have known DH for 21 years and it is just in the last 5 years that I have perfected my technique.

 

[npmommie]

I *try* and strive toward a more Eastern philosophy, in that maintaining your own self, emotions, mouth, etc...is the highest form of self-discipline.

It is always a work in progress.

I really like this, my mouth has no self control, this will be a work in progress for me!!

I know exactly the kind of person you are talking about. However, you are giving her too much power. Who cares what she has to say? When she says her crazy stuff just blow her off. The other Moms know she is a bit much so it is not only you. Talk to the other Moms and don't try to engage this person. She might have a lot of opinions but ut almost seems like you want to "tell her" where she is wrong. Don't waste your time. Block her out and just treat her cordially. I wouldn't leave a group that I enjoyed just because of one person. Why let her ruin yours and your kids good time? You are giving her way too much power. Smile and nod and move on when she speaks to you.

I have to just blow her off you are right. and no I don't want to tell her she is wrong, I try not to engage, I only tell her that others have different viewpoints and experiences and hers is not the only one, but she persists with her views as being right and the only way.

I will give you an example

a few months ago we were at art class, she for some reason started in on hospitals and how no one should have their baby in a hospital, she had home deliveries, she feels "everyone" should have a home delivery and there is absolutely no need for a doctor to deliver a baby,

well one of the moms had just delivered a beautiful baby boy by C-section about a year prior, this mom had a difficult delivery, hemorrhaged, and basically had an emergency section, she felt very upset over this womans words, even after it was pointed out to the woman that some people require medical intervention. she still persisted that she was right.
i thought it was in poor taste to persist when she knew the circumstances of this other womans story.

here is another one:

her mom had been in one of the large hospitals in Boston. she started in on how nurses "do nothing", they are worthless, and she had to remind people everyday about things related to her mom, and "just what do you nurses do when you work?" " looked to me like nothing"

a couple of us moms are nurses and tried to explain to her the nature of a floor nurses responsibilities on a floor like her mom was on in a hospital like that.
she had none of it, just kept with the insults of how she saw nurses at computers, talking to doctors, not getting her mom ginger ale. she said besides pass meds just what is it that you need to do??

her opinion and she stated it, was that nurses for the most part were worthless.

I am sure I can think of more examples, if you want

 

[KandD]

One of my bf's close relatives is VERY rude and offensive. The entire family makes excuses for him but I have gotten to the point where I either walk away from him when he is offending me or there have been times where I tell him straight out that he is inappropriate.
To me I do not want to encourage his behavior and sometimes I feel by not saying anything that I am saying it is okay. When he interrupts or talks over me I ignore it but I have heard him say a few racial comments as well as comments about family members which I just can not let go. No way, no how am I going to let that slide.
As far as your situation, it is a little different since she is just a friend in a group. I might try ignoring her or really just walking away when she starts saying something offensive. If anything she will get that you don't like it (will she stop though? probably not).

 

[HM]

Some possibilities other than ignoring:

Let her know if she actually hurts your feelings. Ask her to be more sensitive toward you.

Point out that her opinion is valued, but that others may feel differently about the topic and to keep in mind that everyone doesn't have to think alike, but that forcing opinions on others is rude. (She won't want to seem rude, will she?)

If these don't make a dent in her behavior, then you may have to limit some of your time around her. I'd be sure to not be seated anywhere near her in the future.

 

[laurie31]

I really like this, my mouth has no self control, this will be a work in progress for me!!


I have to just blow her off you are right. and no I don't want to tell her she is wrong, I try not to engage, I only tell her that others have different viewpoints and experiences and hers is not the only one, but she persists with her views as being right and the only way.

I will give you an example

a few months ago we were at art class, she for some reason started in on hospitals and how no one should have their baby in a hospital, she had home deliveries, she feels "everyone" should have a home delivery and there is absolutely no need for a doctor to deliver a baby,

well one of the moms had just delivered a beautiful baby boy by C-section about a year prior, this mom had a difficult delivery, hemorrhaged, and basically had an emergency section, she felt very upset over this womans words, even after it was pointed out to the woman that some people require medical intervention. she still persisted that she was right.
i thought it was in poor taste to persist when she knew the circumstances of this other womans story.

here is another one:

her mom had been in one of the large hospitals in Boston. she started in on how nurses "do nothing", they are worthless, and she had to remind people everyday about things related to her mom, and "just what do you nurses do when you work?" " looked to me like nothing"

a couple of us moms are nurses and tried to explain to her the nature of a floor nurses responsibilities on a floor like her mom was on in a hospital like that.
she had none of it, just kept with the insults of how she saw nurses at computers, talking to doctors, not getting her mom ginger ale. she said besides pass meds just what is it that you need to do??

her opinion and she stated it, was that nurses for the most part were worthless.

I am sure I can think of more examples, if you want

Oh wow. I would seriously have a hard time not ripping her a new one, and I am NOT a confrontational person.

I am all for natural childbirth, I actually delivered DD #1 using the Bradley method, and I refused any medical treatment I didn't think was specifically necessary for my individual situation, but there were complications and DD would have died if I'd had a home birth. As it is, she was treated quickly and successfully, and she never even had to go to NICU.

As for DD#2, she and I *both* would have likely died, if she hadn't been a stat C-section.

And I won't even touch the comments about nursing, except to say how I'd love to bring her along for one day at my job. Of course, she wouldn't grasp at all the subtleties of changes in a patient's condition that a good nurse sees and gets the doc to do something about before the patient ends up in the ICU or the morgue. I guess the saying is true: You can't cure stupid.

I wouldn't leave the group, but I'd be working really hard on perfecting my fake pity expression! That's a great suggestion, btw. I think that's the best reponse to those comments. Just look at her in pity and say, "Wow, I'm so sorry you're so uneducated," and walk away. (again, much easier said than done).

 

[minkydog]

there is a mom in our small homeschool group. she joined up with the group about 2 years ago, i have been with this group a little more than 4 yrs.
anyway, she always says the most offensive things, and she insults people with her views sometimes.
for instance she is very opinionated and feels her way of thinking is the only right way.
everytime I am around her I feel myself feeling agitated inside.

everyone else just says laughingly "oh that's just her, she has no tact" hahaha.

but at what point is it no longer acceptable?

she insults people on religion, how they choose to live, working mom or sahm, etc etc.............I feel its insulting the way she states things, with no regard to how anyone else around her feels.

I feel like distancing my self from some group activites because of her, but we have some friendships for years with some of these families, and if I distance myself then my kids lose out.

so how do you handle an offensive person you don't want to be around and don't want to talk to?

People who verbally abuse others with their insults, comments, innuendo and cruel jokes are BULLIES. They keep doing it because it WORKS. Nobody stand up to them so they just keep spouting their venom because nobody wants to be the one to say "enough!" And as long as you allow her to monopolize the group with her opinions and insults why should she stop? What's in it for her?

You and the group have to show her what's in it for her. You may want to meet separate from her to discuss how you might confront her in love, as long as it doesn't degenerate into a bashing session. The next time she starts up say, "Janice, when you say things like that *I* feel uncomfortable with you. I'd like it if you didn't (use profanity, tell political jokes, express your ideas about religion, whatever) in the group." Keep it personal to you only, don't speak for the group. It's not "WE feel uncomfortable" it's "I feel uncomfortable". If others want to join in, okay, but don't gang up on her. She probably will feel embarrassed anyway, but you don't have to humiliate her. Just point it out, tell her what you want her to do then expect her to do it. If she decides to NOT comply with your request, then you have to confront her again and give her consequences--"*I* will not sit there and listen to you go on and on about (Obama, Catholicism, breast-feeding, home births, etc)." Then get up and leave.

This is the same thing you do with a 4yo. Tell them how to behave and expect them to do it. If they choose to misbehave the consquences are swift and hard--removal from a pleasurable situation. If you're 4yo had a tantrum in the toy store, you wouldn't hurry to buy him a toy to placate him would you?(I hope not!) When we continue to allow someone to talk to us in a way that makes us uncomfortable, we're giving them the power and permission to do so. Take back your power!

 

[ckay87]

People who verbally abuse others with their insults, comments, innuendo and cruel jokes are BULLIES. They keep doing it because it WORKS. Nobody stand up to them so they just keep spouting their venom because nobody wants to be the one to say "enough!" And as long as you allow her to monopolize the group with her opinions and insults why should she stop? What's in it for her?

You and the group have to show her what's in it for her. You may want to meet separate from her to discuss how you might confront her in love, as long as it doesn't degenerate into a bashing session. The next time she starts up say, "Janice, when you say things like that *I* feel uncomfortable with you. I'd like it if you didn't (use profanity, tell political jokes, express your ideas about religion, whatever) in the group." Keep it personal to you only, don't speak for the group. It's not "WE feel uncomfortable" it's "I feel uncomfortable". If others want to join in, okay, but don't gang up on her. She probably will feel embarrassed anyway, but you don't have to humiliate her. Just point it out, tell her what you want her to do then expect her to do it. If she decides to NOT comply with your request, then you have to confront her again and give her consequences--"*I* will not sit there and listen to you go on and on about (Obama, Catholicism, breast-feeding, home births, etc)." Then get up and leave.

This is the same thing you do with a 4yo. Tell them how to behave and expect them to do it. If they choose to misbehave the consquences are swift and hard--removal from a pleasurable situation. If you're 4yo had a tantrum in the toy store, you wouldn't hurry to buy him a toy to placate him would you?(I hope not!) When we continue to allow someone to talk to us in a way that makes us uncomfortable, we're giving them the power and permission to do so. Take back your power!

This is fantastic advice. My father in law spouts a lot of abusive nonsense on a pretty regular basis. Most people don't stand up to him at all. Well, one day he was mean to my son (his grandson...big mistake) and everyone in the room learned just how quickly he backs down when someone (like me, the angry MAMA BEAR) finally stands up to him. He has been visibly frightened of me for the past year. I actually started to feel bad that I scared him, but it was cool to see him finally shut his mouth for once.

 

[MsLeFever]

I have a lot of experience with crazy...being related to my SIL like I am.

People like that are looking to get a rise out of you. So don't give her a rise. If she says something inapprpriate, say "My, what an inaapropriate thing to say" and shake your head at her as if she is to be pitied. When she reacts to you, as she invariably will, simply say "I don't involve myself in inappropriate conversations like that" and then change the subject. She will invariably keep "pushing", saiyng things like "What do you mean by inappropriate?" or "How am I being inappropriate?". Just continue to repeat "As I said, I don't involve myself in inappropriate conversations, and we are having a different conversation now". Right now, because she is the pushiest and most obnoxious one in the group, and everyone else has better manners, she's running the show. So stop letting her.

The secret is to develop an attitude/facial expression of pity mixed ever so slightly with disgust. But mostly pity. Pity really pisses crazy people off. And you have to keep your voice and demeanor calm, as if what she says doesn't bother you per se, but you feel ever so sorry that she is like that.

Easy to say, hard to do. I have known DH for 21 years and it is just in the last 5 years that I have perfected my technique.

Great advice. My response is really a variation on this one - I like to look the person right in the face, rather astonished and say "My, that was rude!"