How do you feel about teens locking bedroom doors?

[VandVsmama]

OP here. Well. I got a variety of responses, from locked doors being unsafe to my husband being controlling and maybe even a little creepy.

In my desire to have it confirmed that "I am right and he is wrong," I may have been a little unfair to my husband; "barging in" is a slight exaggeration.This all started to happen when my daughter built her gaming laptop when she was around 12; after that she spent a lot more time in her room with the door closed, laughing and carrying on, playing games with her friends and just "hanging out" virtually, I guess. To be honest, we weren't at all sure what she was doing, which is what bothered my husband, I think. He was afraid of her visiting inappropriate websites, playing video games that were too mature for her, etc. It wasn't really that he didn't "trust her," he just didn't trust her ability to always make wise decisions. I think a lot of what bothered him was that she was growing away from us; instead of hanging out downstairs with the family, she preferred to be upstairs in her room with the door closed. He would often knock on her door to "see what she was doing," and if she didn't say "come in" or open the door within maybe 5 or 6 seconds, he'd open the door. You could hear through the door that she was playing on her computer; she'd be talking and laughing with her friends, typing on her keyboard (she has a LOUD keyboard), so it would have been highly unlikely that she would be in a state of undress, but I still think you don't just open the door to your kid's room without their express permission. She then started locking her door, which of course made my husband even more concerned.

My daughter and I talked about it, and for her it was just that she wanted the feeling of privacy, the knowledge that no one was going to suddenly come in upon her. I completely understand that because I am the same way. It's kind of a "cocoon-ish" feeling, and it's really hard to describe to people who don't have this need. Like how extraverted people have a hard time understanding introverted people's need to get away alone and "recharge," the feeling of psychological safety some people get from knowing they are shut off from the world is hard to explain to people who like open doors. My husband just doesn't get it because he doesn't have this need.

He hates that she spends hours in her room with the door locked, but years have gone by now and he doesn't really bother to knock on her door anymore, he just texts her if he needs her. But he still grumbles about it occasionally. I know that it's something that he regrets allowing to develop into normalcy.

Our son just turned 14 and he is different from his sister in that doesn't seem to have that need for solitude, but he also built a gaming computer last year with his sister's help and has followed in her footsteps of now spending many hours in his room on this computer, and my husband absolutely hates it. He doesn't want to let what happened to our daughter (basically her spending almost all of her time away from us in her room) to happen to our son. But our son usually doesn't even close his door, much less lock it. It will sometimes be closed though, and this bothers my husband, and he WILL barge right in then, but again, we can always hear our son talking and playing games with his friends (virtually) so we can assume he's dressed and not up to anything private. My husband said the other day that he doesn't want to let this get out of control like it did with our daughter, that he doesn't want to see our son start locking his door. I disagreed and we had a slight argument, which is what motivated me to post this. I feel that if my husband continues to barge in on our son the few times he does close his door, then it's going to drive him to start not only closing it but locking it, and my husband feels that he there's no need for our son to close his door at all.

it would have been helpful to explain a little of that in the beginning.

 

[ashley0139]

OP, your husband is focusing on the locked door which is not the issue at all. He doesn't feel close to your daughter anymore and is worried about losing your son as well. Kids grow up and need alone time, but also make an effort to do family events. Don't allow them to spend all their time in their room. Just because they want to doesn't mean they get to. Family meals, outings that everyone will enjoy, game nights, just have everyone together.

 

[mjkacmom]

I never said it wasn't normal are you sure you didn't mean to quote the OP?

Wrong poster, board jumping around like crazy.

 

[tvguy]

Very interesting thread. An issue I NEVER knew even existed in people's homes. Like I said pages ago, never had a house with locks on the bedroom doors, but I never felt my privacy violated as a child, and having talked to my now 35 and 31 year old children, something they never felt that either. Doors were closed when they were sleeping (because they didn't want THEIR cat sleeping with them) or changing clothes, otherwise open, unless my wife or I felt their room was too messy, then WE closed the door, but the kids weren't in the rooms at the time. The master bedroom door was open when we were sleeping most times so the cat could get in an out.
Now, I did work graveyard shift until my son was in College and my daughter was in High School, and if they had friends over I would close the door if I was sleeping and their friends knew they had to keep the noise down. One of my daughter's friends last year even commented on the fact that she always felt welcome at our house, but that she still felt the need to keep the noise down YEARS after I went on a normal work schedule.

 

[tcufrog]

I was pretty laid back about it until my best friend went looking for something her 9th-grade son borrowed in his bedroom. Instead of the item she needed, she found his former girlfriend's bra and panties (they'd never been alone in his room), a vape pen with synthetic weed in it, unused rolling paper, and an empty bottle of vodka. The brand of vodka was one she'd never purchased. She never found what she looking for.

She doesn't know where he got the vodka. The ex girlfriend is who gave him the vape pen and synthetic weed. They go to an expensive private school.

 

[easyas123]

Don't allow them to spend all their time in their room. Just

tThis exactly.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Wrong poster, board jumping around like crazy.

No worries

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Yes I believe this goes deeper than locks on doors.

I almost think this desire for privacy is just normal for teenagers though. I think they only solution is to plan activities that will draw them out of the room (and getting them to cooperate with that is going to be a challenge).

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes I believe this goes deeper than locks on doors.

I almost think this desire for privacy is just normal for teenagers though. I think they only solution is to plan activities that will draw them out of the room (and getting them to cooperate with that is going to be a challenge).

Very normal, can try to entice them, but forcing backfires. They come back. Dd20 begged to have a family bowling night before going back to college this semester, dd25 drove 45 minutes here with her boyfriend to attend. We’ve never had a family bowling night.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Very normal, can try to entice them, but forcing backfires. They come back. Dd20 begged to have a family bowling night before going back to college this semester, dd25 drove 45 minutes here with her boyfriend to attend. We’ve never had a family bowling night.

That sounds wonderful about the family bowling night!

My step-daughter is 21 and when she is home, she spends most of her time in her room... DH ASKS her to do stuff, but never has "mandated" it.... every now and then she will say yes and come join in something. She has almost established a "tradition" that one night a week she will invite a friend over for dinner. They WILL eat with us and chat for a while....then they will go back to her room and watch whatever Netflix series that is "the thing" at the moment.

I agree that they should never be forced into "togetherness", that would just make them not like it and they are going to pout the whole time I am sure.

 

[ashley0139]

That sounds wonderful about the family bowling night!

My step-daughter is 21 and when she is home, she spends most of her time in her room... DH ASKS her to do stuff, but never has "mandated" it.... every now and then she will say yes and come join in something. She has almost established a "tradition" that one night a week she will invite a friend over for dinner. They WILL eat with us and chat for a while....then they will go back to her room and watch whatever Netflix series that is "the thing" at the moment.

I agree that they should never be forced into "togetherness", that would just make them not like it and they are going to pout the whole time I am sure.

I agree with the forcing thing and maybe my wording was too strong (not sure if you were referring to my post or just in general), more that the expectation should be set from a very young age that some things are done as a family. For my family, it would have never occurred to us that we wouldn't eat dinner together, go out to eat, go on vacation, etc. Because it was just established from the time we were young that yes you can have alone time but we also do things as a family. Even for my brother who would have probably preferred to only ever be alone in his room lol.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with the forcing thing and maybe my wording was too strong (not sure if you were referring to my post or just in general), more that the expectation should be set from a very young age that some things are done as a family. For my family, it would have never occurred to us that we wouldn't eat dinner together, go out to eat, go on vacation, etc. Because it was just established from the time we were young that yes you can have alone time but we also do things as a family. Even for my brother who would have probably preferred to only ever be alone in his room lol.

At our house if you are home at dinner time you eat with the family, if you won’t be home for dinner let me know (my kids prefer to eat as a family). Movie nights, going to siblings games, dog walks - optional. Holidays mandatory although we do work it out with SO’s. My kids will always come on vacation or go out to dinner if possible, dd20 will miss our summer vacation due to grad school (her program is year round).

 

[ashley0139]

At our house if you are home at dinner time you eat with the family, if you won’t be home for dinner let me know (my kids prefer to eat as a family). Movie nights, going to siblings games, dog walks - optional. Holidays mandatory although we do work it out with SO’s. My kids will always come on vacation or go out to dinner if possible, dd20 will miss our summer vacation due to grad school (her program is year round).

I did not mean when they are adults and have their own lives and SOs. That's obviously a different situation.

 

[mjkacmom]

I did not mean when they are adults and have their own lives and SOs. That's obviously a different situation.

The same rules applied when they were adolescents/teens, some things were mandatory, some not.

 

[easyas123]

The same rules applied when they were adolescents/teens, some things were mandatory, some not.

I might be misunderstanding, so if so kindly correct me. Do you mean even though they are adults you consider their attendance mandatory at Holidays?

 

[mjkacmom]

I might be misunderstanding, so if so kindly correct me. Do you mean even though they are adults you consider their attendance mandatory at Holidays?

Yes, unless there is a good reason not be able to come. I didn’t expect Dd19 for Easter this year since she is 12 hours away at college, but it’s ds23’s birthday weekend so she asked me to book a flight. Dd25 lives 45 minutes away with her boyfriend and his mom, his dad lives close by too, so it’s easy to divide up holidays. The only other family we really see are DH’s parents who are an hour away. Of course everything will change if/when they move away. When my parents were alive I saw them every holiday (lived 1/2 mile away), my sister lives a plane ride away so she wasn’t there. I’m sure things will also change if/when they get married.

 

[ronandannette]

...I agree that they should never be forced into "togetherness", that would just make them not like it and they are going to pout the whole time I am sure.

Young adults are a bit of a different ballgame but if you're dealing with a 14 year-old who's gravitating towards isolation and you want to make sure the pattern doesn't entrench, yes, they may occasionally have to be required. It's hard to explain how the slide down this slippery slope can go if you haven't been through it. I wish we'd pressed through the "pout" more often.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Our doors have locks and I have the little tool to open them in our room and my husband knows where it is. Our kids are little but when they are teens I won’t have a problem with them locking the door when they are teens as long as they are alone.

I think all kids deserve privacy and as long as I have no concerns about them then they will have privacy. The minute I think they are in danger or doing something illegal that privacy goes out the window. And I’ve already started having those discussions with my 8 year old as she ventures in to the world of crushes and “secret” diaries. My husband follows my lead since my parentsused this method and I have a way better relationship with them than he does his parents and their “in my house you have no privacy” style.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My husband follows my lead since my parentsused this method and I have a way better relationship with them than he does his parents and their “in my house you have no privacy” style.

I think that's a good point although I was also thinking about it in terms of the discussion just above.

I grew up in a household that fostered reading, it didn't matter if it was reading in the car, reading while watching tv with everyone, reading on vacation, etc. Reading at the dinner table I guess never really occurred to me and perhaps that might have been a point to be like "after dinner". The library growing up was my happy place and I would be dropped off and able to peruse for an hour or longer just picking out books after books.

However, I remember the early times when I was with my husband and his family had to get used to seeing me with a book over with them. I don't think they viewed it as not including myself more like they weren't into reading. In any case if either one of my parents had demanded my full and undivided attention while watching tv together for instance or in the car or on vacation honestly I wouldn't have wanted to be around them as much if it was in the context of put that book down you're not really bonding with us. I loved reading in my room or on the bay window seat at my dad's house. I also liked to paint in my room. These were times where I could get lost in something in a positive way. It was what I realize now something very beneficial to my mental health. But is it really family time/bonding if I end up resenting it? And I'm not just meaning "gotta suck it up every now and then" but more like this is a hard rule get your butt out here kinda of thing.

I think there's a difference between isolation that might lead to depression or other issues and isolation in a natural preference to be alone. One may need intervention another may lead to a pushing back against that.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Yes, unless there is a good reason not be able to come. I didn’t expect Dd19 for Easter this year since she is 12 hours away at college, but it’s ds23’s birthday weekend so she asked me to book a flight. Dd25 lives 45 minutes away with her boyfriend and his mom, his dad lives close by too, so it’s easy to divide up holidays. The only other family we really see are DH’s parents who are an hour away. Of course everything will change if/when they move away. When my parents were alive I saw them every holiday (lived 1/2 mile away), my sister lives a plane ride away so she wasn’t there. I’m sure things will also change if/when they get married.

I also have questions about this.

What is the consequence for not attending one of these mandatory holiday gatherings? Do you tell them in advance of each holiday which child’s current circumstances justify an absence, such as your daughter being 12 hours away at school, or are they under the impression they have to be there at all costs? At what point will it no longer be mandatory, even if they remain local and/or unmarried?