How do you discipline your children...

[LoveBWVVBR]

This might not be a popular idea, but why can't each parent be in charge of 1 child, even if that means each parent doing things separately. It's not much of a family vacation anyways if the family spends the entire time listening to the children bicker, KWIM?

FWIW, I get along very well with my sister. Of all the siblings I know, we are the ONLY 2 that I know of who get along, though. We didn't really bicker too much as kids either. It's the luck of the draw. If your kids bicker when they're together, maybe they just shouldn't be together so much

 

[CarolA]

I will just say this

1. Don't say "if you don't stop right now we are leaving" unless you MEAN it. (I once heard a Mom say that about 20 times to Junior. Junior was not an idiot, he had figured out that Mom was lying. I mean if you don't leave then Junior knows you didn't mean it)

2. Follow thru. My niece got to LEAVE SeaWorld last year because she would not behave. My SIL took her back to the hotel, no pool, no TV just laying on the bed screaming about how unloved she was (My SIL is good at ignoring the "drama queen" we have in our midst.) That was the LAST day my niece did not behave.....

 

[r4blessings]

I agree with PP who mentioned the book 123 Magic. Very, very helpful! I initially got it for my dd3 b/c I found I was yelling at her all day, and it really clicked for us. But I also found it helpful with my other ds who can be a bit sulky on occasion. And it is something you can do in Disney also. We were just out to dinner at Friendly's and I counted my daughter to 3 and then took her outside while DH stayed with the other kiddos. Once she realized she was without an audience and also not sitting and eating her icecream, she sat her 3 minutes and we went back in.

Hope the book helps! And hang in there!

Jennifer

 

[Melissa]

I didn't read all the posts so this may have been mentioned but I love the book "Parenting Your Kids with Love and Logic." It is about natural consequences, it is also a lot of work on the parents part because it takes follow though and consistancy. It works though.

 

[JoyG]

We just got back from vacation. I found my kids were more hyper than usual while we were there. They were over stimulated and excited. Each day was a new adventure and they really didn't know how to handle themselves.

I tried to avoid problems by making sure they had time to run off extra steam every day. Exhausted kids have less energy to fight with each other in my experience.

I also brought their gameboys with us on vacation and only pulled them out when I really needed them to be quiet. They couldn't play them all week unless it was a time I was counting on them being silent or well behaved.

I also used a little bribery. I told them they would get a treat at the end of the vacation if they behaved. They needed an occasional reminder of this, usually when they were in mid argument.

Finally, we also spank in our household, so when they got too whiny or when the fighting got out of hand, they'd get a swat on the rear.

 

[HenDuck]

DS knows the time out corner well.

I also use deprivation or take things away from him if it is a serious offense. He knows mom will follow through too.

On vacation, we use the same methods, although we cut him a little slack when he's just over-excited, over-tired, or all sugared-out. (Because it's usually our fault! )

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I'm a single parent with four children, all grown now. One thing that I did (it was actually suggested by my kids) was to give each of them a "day" of the week plus half-days that was "theirs." So - Monday was Matt's day, Tuesday was Lisa's, Wednesday was Dan's, Thursday was Jeremy's. Then Friday was Matt's until 1:00, Lisa's until bedtime, and Saturday was divvied up between Dan and Jeremy. Sunday was my day.

Then if (for example) they were arguing about what to watch on TV, or who got the preferred seat at the table, or anything, we'd just say "whose day is it?" and that person got their choice.

The others were find with it because they knew their turn was coming soon. I also would try to give each child some "one on one" time with me on their day.

Also, if they are just generally bickering with each other, I try to figure out why. Are they hungry or tired? I'm not at my best if either of those apply, and I know my kids aren't either. Are they stressed by being in a crowded, noisy place? Disney is harder on some kids than others. With my grandson, who is quite sensitive, I noticed that he did much better when we stayed at Fort Wilderness where he had the chance to be in a quieter, more natural setting for part of each day. Or are their needs for attention and responsiveness from their parents not being met? I know it's easy for me to get caught up in the other things I have to do and not notice the quieter ways that my kids are seeking some attention and caring from me.

I recommend the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, or "Hold on to Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld.

Teresa

 

[me again]

while on vacation??????

I cannot take the constant fight between my two boys, they are at it constantly, if the little one looks at the bigger one they fight they fight over a chair, games... you name it, I am tired of having to punish them constantly as our vacation time gets closer I feel like cancelling everything , they were not like this before, so this is new to us, my husband says that once we are on vacation they will be too tired to fight, but I will hate to think that they will behave like this in public. Is this normal for brothers, is this a phase that they will get over, will this get worse?

I need to hear/advise from other parents!!!!

thanks
Linnette

PS How is this budget related? ...I am about to loose 3k if this continue...

I think that type of bickering is normal, if undesirable. My 2 fight constantly, over the most silly things, like looking at each other the wrong way. No advice to give other than to know that yours aren't the only kids to act that way!

 

[mjbaby]

My husband and I don't feel that fighting is an appropriate expression of emotion. We don't insist on 100% agreement from everyone about everything, but fighting is NOT acceptable.

When my kids pick at each other, they get a "special" job to do that they'll have to work out how to accomplish together and then nothing happens until they 1) stop arguing, 2) figure out what needs to be done and 3) do it, cooperatively.

We also see arguing as a sign that two people may need to spend MORE time together, not less. Here's a quote from another board where I detailed how this works in our house:

The other day my son told me that he hated me. My first thought was to banish him to his bedroom for the rest of the night because man that *(&*# hurts. But I caught myself and instead said that I was sorry to hear that, because I love him very, very much.

Then I told him the story about "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer" and told him that for the rest of the night we were going to do everything together, on the grounds that it's very difficult to keep hating someone who you learn more about - even if you think you don't like them at first - and that "respect" is sometimes better than "like".

So that's what we did. He helped me make dinner, standing right by my side (usually he's playing in another room), clean up from dinner, fold laundry, move furniture, etc. We also played a game at his request and I sat on the toilet while he showered - so it was a two-way street. Everything we each had to do that night, we did together.

At the end of the night he said, "You're busy, mommy."

"Yes," I said, "Keeping our family and house together gives me a lot of jobs."

"I love you," he said, "Thank you for being my mom."

So, if I was on a vacation and there was arguing and picking, I might say, "Every time you guys bicker, we're finding a bench and you're sitting down together for 15 minutes until you are treating each other respectfully again." And then do it- I doubt it would require more than two or three "bench sessions" to get them on board with the idea.

 

[me again]

I do understand your concerns, about their fighting ruining a trip.

Last summer I took both kids on what was supposed to be a two-day tirp to San Antonio, they fought so much I just cut the trip short. I lost the second night hotel (paid for as part of a package), but I told the kids the trip was for them, not me, I wasn't enjoying referring their constant fighting, finally, after fair warning, I just cut the trip short. That was the only part that was enjoyable for me! The last straw was when I was trying to order a pizza (getting late and the pizza place was about to close) we were in a suite, the kids were in another room, they fought so much I couldn't hear to place the pizza order! I mean, they were yelling, screaming, throwing stuff, rolling on the floor, I was afraid someone would complain. I did complete the pizza order (only eating option since it was raining heavily), then just calmly told the kids we would leave the next day. They asked what about all the stuff we had planned, I told them perhaps another time, when they were more mature and could act better on a trip. You know, they haven't acted up on a tirp since. I did lose on the investment of the trip, but it was money well spent if they learned they couldn't act like crazy animals on a tirp and get away with it. I realize that was just a 2 day tirp, not a tirp to Disney, and you certainly have a lot more invested in your trip, but sometimes you need to let your kids know you mean business, its amazing at the lessons they retain!

 

[rentayenta]

My friend who has 2 children divides the days between odd and even, based on the date. On odd days her son gets to pick the tv show, the movie, sit in the front, pick what's for dinner, whatever....On even days it's her DD's turn. This has literally stopped them from fighting over every little thing and made her life a whole lot easier.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Okay I guess I am the oddball here. My kids rarely fight with each other. If they do however I send them each to their rooms alone or make them sit on opposite ends of the couch and tell them they are not allowed to play with or talk to each other since they can't get along. I then follow it up with the "that's your sister/brother and you are supposed to love ech other etc." speech. That usually brings on the apologies and then they hug and kiss and have to tell each other they love each other. If that doesn't work I bust out the duct tape. It comes in colors now so I can match their outfits.

 

[bbmommy]

I have not read all the replies...but we returned not too long ago from an 8 day trip to WDW, 5 days at Panama City Beach, and drove! 22 hours from Kansas! 14 days total. I have a DD 4...almost 5 and DS just turned 2, so needed ideas for her more than him...he just doesn't get it. When we got in the car DD got $10 in quarters and DS just got pennies. If she fussed, whined, complained...etc she had to pay a quarter, the whole trip she lost about 5.
My kids were perfect at WDW and we were there from open to close, in the heat and crowds.

 

[ballle_98]

I think mine don't fight as much because they are girl-boy-girl. And there are 3 years between each child. So, my DD8 isn't interested in any toys that DS5 has or anything that DD2 has. However, that has a whole other set of problems. My son never learned to share as a toddler and we had so many issues with him taking toys from other kids. Now our DD2 is having the same issues. By the time DS was age 3, he was better about it. So, I know there is hope for DD2 if we are consistent and faithful in teaching her to behave.

I agree with the separating idea. Growing up I spent large amounts of time with my cousins and when we would start fighting my mom would say, "You might need a little space." So, we would take a day off from playing together and then not fight as much.

Hang in there! You are obviously a mom who cares or you would not be so open in sharing your struggle to seek a solution.

 

[LanaJae]

while on vacation??????

I cannot take the constant fight between my two boys, they are at it constantly, if the little one looks at the bigger one they fight they fight over a chair, games... you name it, I am tired of having to punish them constantly as our vacation time gets closer I feel like cancelling everything , they were not like this before, so this is new to us, my husband says that once we are on vacation they will be too tired to fight, but I will hate to think that they will behave like this in public. Is this normal for brothers, is this a phase that they will get over, will this get worse?

I need to hear/advise from other parents!!!!

thanks
Linnette

PS How is this budget related? ...I am about to loose 3k if this continue...

I count. I don't know why or how it works, but I have 4 kids and it still works.

All I do is start saying (in an authoritative voice) ONE (long pause), TWO (long pause), THREE!!. It drives them absolutely insane.

I spanked my first child on the butt (on top of clothes and diapers) about 2 times when he was two, and it was for doing something very dangerous, I only remember one thing (he's 19 now) and that was opening the oven door and climbing up on top of it. This was before they had those tie-downs for large appliances.

The best advice I ever got was to stick to what you say always, don't threaten. If they act up in the car going to someplace they want to go, turn around and go home and put them to work doing some mundane chore that they despise.

A friend of mine used to make her kids sit on a love seat and hold hands when they fought and the only thing they could say was compliments to each other. I never wanted to spend that much time on an issue, so I just stuck to counting.

There is something that happens between two brothers though - I'm sure it's some primitive instinct thing, but they can act it out some other way that doesn't ruin your day.

Oh and you MUST go on vacation - you need it! Make a spa appt. for yourself as soon as you read this.

 

[LanaJae]

I beat them to bloody pulps - then if that doesnt help, I drug them up on Benadyl and tie them to the beds.

ROFLMAO!! A doctor told my mom in 1972 to give my brother benadryl when she couldn't take it anymore.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I count. I don't know why or how it works, but I have 4 kids and it still works.

All I do is start saying (in an authoritative voice) ONE (long pause), TWO (long pause), THREE!!. It drives them absolutely insane.

I spanked my first child on the butt (on top of clothes and diapers) about 2 times when he was two, and it was for doing something very dangerous, I only remember one thing (he's 19 now) and that was opening the oven door and climbing up on top of it. This was before they had those tie-downs for large appliances.

The best advice I ever got was to stick to what you say always, don't threaten. If they act up in the car going to someplace they want to go, turn around and go home and put them to work doing some mundane chore that they despise.

A friend of mine used to make her kids sit on a love seat and hold hands when they fought and the only thing they could say was compliments to each other. I never wanted to spend that much time on an issue, so I just stuck to counting.

There is something that happens between two brothers though - I'm sure it's some primitive instinct thing, but they can act it out some other way that doesn't ruin your day.

Oh and you MUST go on vacation - you need it! Make a spa appt. for yourself as soon as you read this.

I count to three also and they always behave at 2, except for my 8yo. He is easily distracted and won't even know I'm counting half the time , but when he does he listens. But I've been doing it for years and it works well for us.

I could never put my kids on the couch together holding hands, they would kill each other. I put them in separate corners when I need to, I'm kind of a "let the punishment fit the crime" kind of person, so if they're fighting in the pool, they're done in the pool, if they're fighting over a toy, I get the toy. But I have very strong-willed, high spirited kids so it will stop that incident, but doesn't stop the fighting all together, although next time they will behave in the pool or figure out a way to share the toy. Today all of them misbehaved at the post office, but they wanted to go to the beach when we got done. We didn't go to the beach, we went home.

 

[LanaJae]

I count to three also and they always behave at 2, except for my 8yo. He is easily distracted and won't even know I'm counting half the time , but when he does he listens. But I've been doing it for years and it works well for us.

I could never put my kids on the couch together holding hands, they would kill each other. I put them in separate corners when I need to, I'm kind of a "let the punishment fit the crime" kind of person, so if they're fighting in the pool, they're done in the pool, if they're fighting over a toy, I get the toy. But I have very strong-willed, high spirited kids so it will stop that incident, but doesn't stop the fighting all together, although next time they will behave in the pool or figure out a way to share the toy. Today all of them misbehaved at the post office, but they wanted to go to the beach when we got done. We didn't go to the beach, we went home.

One of mine was like your 8 yr. old, so I had to stare him down while I was counting lol

I could never do the hand-holding thing either, but love it that you didn't go to the beach after the PO incident (unless you really wanted to go too) - I swear there is something about post offices that make kids nuts (they bother me too!).

 

[shortbun]

OP-your kids are close in age. Do they get plenty of time apart? I'd be getting them some alone time and some personal space. If they are fighting that badly, they need separation. As a siblilng, my biggest gripe was not having any boundaries with my siblings. My parents did not force us to respect each other's space. That is a lesson children should learn early and without question. They each need time and space of their own. Before any of you say it's not possible, it is.

 

[PatsGirl]

Set the limits, explain them fully and often (each morning if necessary) and then stick by them. While my kids are normal and occasionally bicker (you would think with their age differences they wouldn't but trust me...) they know when I give them the look

I would absolutely under no circumstances allow my children to ruin my (and their own) vacation or any outing for that matter. They need to be taught early, during toddler and preschool years, that this type of behavior is just not allowed in public. I wouldn't think twice about making the punishment having to leave the park for the rest of the day. Of course, I might give them one chance too

As for the mother who said she started crying during the fireworks: My DS17 saw me crying for the first time last week. He has been really frustrating lately with not returning my calls timely and just an attitude of "please leave me alone and let me do my own thing, I'm 17". I couldn't even have a conversation with him. All of a sudden, I just broke. This is the first time I can remember that I've actually broken down in front of the kids (though it happens behind closed doors occasionally). Well, really wish I had done this earlier I went to my room and slammed the door and had a good cry with him knocking on the door, begging me to let him come in, and saying he was so sorry that he hurt my feelings, etc. etc. etc. Well, I didn't cave in and let him see how it felt and voila -- I've had a great week or two since then. I think I'll break down monthly!