How do you deal with temper tantrums?

[va32h]

ACtually I really don't understand it--but i have heard that. So not true for my kids. Their reward is getting to be out and about in public.

My kids are homebodies. Whenever I have to go anywhere they ask "isn't there anyone who can babysit us?"

This comes in handy though, when I need to go somewhere without them, where they might want to go, such as Christmas shopping. I just say I am running errands, and that sends them screaming in terror down the hallway. "Errands" is a terrifying word in our house!

My oldest was an angel - behaved perfectly everywhere. My son and 2nd daughter have much worse tempers. When my son was between the ages of say 18 mo - 3 years, we just ceased eating out altogether, because he was so prone to tantrums. And I just got tired of sitting in the parking lot of every restaurant, watching my husband and daughter enjoy their meal.

Now at age 6, he will pout and sulk in public, but he has outgrown the tantrums.

Dd2 will have tantrums in a store, because she doesn't like to ride in the shopping cart. I think she doesn't like to ride backwards. So I use the stroller whenever I can, although I can't push a grocery cart and a stroller, so grocery shopping continues to be stressful.

 

[ncdisneyfan]

Just kinda curious, I read a lot of gripes about how people should remove their kids from the situation.

I know that when my son was younger he would have them sometimes because he didn't want to be somewhere, say the grocery store. Well, we need to eat, he's got to go sometime. When he had one, yes, I was an awful parent that ignored it and continued to shop while he screamed, kicked, and attempted to throw things (I'm quick, he never actually got the chance. If I had left the store, I would be giving into his demands.)

He knows better now.

Seriously, am I the only parent who has done this?

Spanking, that's how we dealt with it. I say "dealt", b/c since we "dealt" with it, we no longer have to "deal" with it, b/c they figured out early on that it would get them nowhere. I suppose we could have just let them have their fit, and still not give in, but then we would have had to listen to the fit, and I don't really want to do that! A good swift tap on the rear-end, early on when they could associate punishment with their actions (around 2 or so), and they learned that it wasn't acceptable, and quit doing it. What if we were in public (grocery store, restaurant, shop, etc...)? No different. It can be handled pretty discretely if you know how to, there doesn't have to be a lot of crying and belly-aching and blubbering going on, deal with it quickly and effectively. Worked like a charm for us! We wanted to make sure that our kids knew that THEY were not in charge, WE were in charge. We set boundaries, and they had to follow them, or they knew they would get punished. I personally think kids WANT that, but often times don't get that.

 

[MrsPete]

Prevention is often better than cure. If at all possible, avoid taking the child out when he's already tired or hungry, and remember that a two-hour trip is an eternity to the child. (I'm thinking of toddlers here -- school-aged children should be able to manage a bit of discomfort.) And be sure your expectations are in line with the child's age; don't punish him for being two. Prevention isn't a total solution, but it gives you a fighting chance.

TEACH THE CHILD on short, quick errands. Involve him in what you're doing -- talk about the groceries you're choosing, the colors of clothes you're seeing, the letters on the store names; praise him for his good behavior; and try to end with something positive for the child: a few minutes playing with the trains at the bookstore, a minute at the fountain outside -- try not to make the "reward" a new toy -- that leads to an entirely different set of problems. Plus, toddlers want one-on-one playtime time with mom and dad more than they want toys. It's easier to do this if you can take just one child at a time. Accept that you will not be as quick and efficient as you would be if you were shopping alone.

If tantrums are already an established problem, you have to break that negative behavior. Plan some non-necessary trips so you CAN leave if necessary. Explain in positive terms what you expect ahead of time: Stay in the stroller, quiet voice, whatever is important . . . then explain the reward at the end: If you're good, we'll stop by the big fish tank in the middle of the mall, and we'll count all the fish! During the shopping trip, remember to engage the child in what you're doing (you wouldn't like to be popped into a stroller and rolled around to things that didn't interest you for hours on end, would you?). Keep the trip short -- you need the child to earn the reward at the end. If the child starts to fidget, remind him of your "expectations talk" and the reward: How many big fish do you think we'll see? Do you think that little bitty one has grown any? When the child does well, give him plenty of time to enjoy the reward. Sit down and play with him, tell him he did a good job, and tell him how proud you are.

Try to arrange it so that the child can be successful and reach the reward, even if he's only able to manage a 15-minute errand. Let him be successful in something small, and work up from there. If he fails, don't allow it to be a "win" for him. (I was unhappy in my stroller, I threw a tantrum, ans we left -- cool!.) Instead, remind him that he does NOT get the promised reward now: you will not be reading a book together at the park, or you will not be stopping by the pet store to look at the puppies. Make sure that nothing interesting is going on at home either: no TV, no playtime with mom. Don't keep guilting the child about the failed trip; toddlers learn more from positives than negatives.

The bottom line is that if the child learns that running errands with you can be fun, it'll be easy for you. If running errands with mom means singing songs in the car, stopping to look at things that interest him, and interacting with mom, the child will learn to behave well (most of the time). On the other hand, if running errands means being strapped into a stroller and pushed through a series of uninteresting stores while mom doesn't say a word to you, the child will never learn to behave, and in fact will only find new ways to protest errands as he grows older.

 

[MrsPete]

Spanking, that's how we dealt with it.

I'm not opposed to spanking -- not a bit, in the right situation -- but I think the goal here is to teach the child how to be a pleasant companion on errands, and I don't think spanking accomplishes that particular task.

 

[ncdisneyfan]

I'm not opposed to spanking -- not a bit, in the right situation -- but I think the goal here is to teach the child how to be a pleasant companion on errands, and I don't think spanking accomplishes that particular task.

And that's certainly you're opinion which you are obviously entitled to. And, if it works for your children and family, great! No problem.

I personally feel that a lot of the "let's reward Johnny and Susie for being good little boys and girls, and not come down on them too hard" thinking really does nothing more than cater to the kids. I love my kids very much. But it is also my responsibility to teach them right from wrong, and to prepare them to move out and be responsible adults. I don't believe my job is to cater to them. I don't want to go on "non-necessary trips" so they can learn how to act, b/c I have neither the time nor the desire to do so. They can, and should, act correctly when we're out on a necessary trip, b/c it's what they've been taught at home. I'm not looking for a "pleasant companion on errands", I just want my kids to behave correctly when in public. And if they don't (though they normally do), then they know they'll be punished for it.

Again, anyone is welcome to disagree. And anyone is welcome to use whatever parenting method they feel appropriate for their kids. I'm not trying to tell anyone to change, just saying what has worked marvelously for us.

 

[Serena]

I don't want to turn this into a debate, but spanking a child does help in certain situations and in controlled situations.
A swift swat on the behind helps to get the attention. It startles them out of the cycle they are in.
But I rarely had to do that. My kids were really good in public, for the most part. They very rarely had temper tantrums at all, let alone in public.
At home they could have a tantrum if they wished. But they had to do it alone in their room and told them to make sure the neighbors heard it. They were not aloud to break anything or hurt themselves, but after that, they could kick and scream all they wanted.
I told them as soon as they were done they could come back out. Having permission seems to let a lot of the steam out.

 

[Southern4sure]

Threats and following through of embarrassment works better than spankings

 

[ozarkmom]

And that's certainly you're opinion which you are obviously entitled to. And, if it works for your children and family, great! No problem.

I personally feel that a lot of the "let's reward Johnny and Susie for being good little boys and girls, and not come down on them too hard" thinking really does nothing more than cater to the kids. I love my kids very much. But it is also my responsibility to teach them right from wrong, and to prepare them to move out and be responsible adults. I don't believe my job is to cater to them. I don't want to go on "non-necessary trips" so they can learn how to act, b/c I have neither the time nor the desire to do so. They can, and should, act correctly when we're out on a necessary trip, b/c it's what they've been taught at home. I'm not looking for a "pleasant companion on errands", I just want my kids to behave correctly when in public. And if they don't (though they normally do), then they know they'll be punished for it.

Again, anyone is welcome to disagree. And anyone is welcome to use whatever parenting method they feel appropriate for their kids. I'm not trying to tell anyone to change, just saying what has worked marvelously for us.

I'm with you this is the way my parents raised me and I'm raising mine the same way. I still think that adults/parents should be in charge not the children.

 

[Aidensmom]

Just to clarify, my child does not have tantrums often. I don't need to learn how to avoid the tantrums, already been there, done that, that is why he only has them on occassion. He is just stubborn, and sometimes he thinks he is going to out-stubborn me and get his way if he has a tantrum. It has never worked, we don't give in. And we HAVE left places, including Disney parks, when he has had them, as long as his goal was not to get us to leave. To me, if I have to leave a cart full of groceries sitting in the store and sit in the car for an hour and then have to go back and grocery shop AGAIN, when I could have just ignored him for 10 minutes while he was having a fit, he has won. Your opinion may differ.

We choose the method of ignoring tantrums to deal with them, that is what works with him. We were at our wits ends for about a month after he turned 3 trying to deal with them through all the other methods, and one day were just too exhausted to deal with it and let him just tantrum. After a few minutes we discovered we actually found the way to deal with them, as he stopped tantruming when he was ignored.

Perhaps we are the only ones who use this kind of method, I was just curious if anyone else did.

 

[Southern4sure]

Just to clarify, my child does not have tantrums often. I don't need to learn how to avoid the tantrums, already been there, done that, that is why he only has them on occassion. He is just stubborn, and sometimes he thinks he is going to out-stubborn me and get his way if he has a tantrum. It has never worked, we don't give in. And we HAVE left places, including Disney parks, when he has had them, as long as his goal was not to get us to leave. To me, if I have to leave a cart full of groceries sitting in the store and sit in the car for an hour and then have to go back and grocery shop AGAIN, when I could have just ignored him for 10 minutes while he was having a fit, he has won. Your opinion may differ.

We choose the method of ignoring tantrums to deal with them, that is what works with him. We were at our wits ends for about a month after he turned 3 trying to deal with them through all the other methods, and one day were just too exhausted to deal with it and let him just tantrum. After a few minutes we discovered we actually found the way to deal with them, as he stopped tantruming when he was ignored.

Perhaps we are the only ones who use this kind of method, I was just curious if anyone else did.

I might be wrong but I think what your experiencing is normal. What child does not have a stubborn streak for some sort. I have always proved to my kids that I win the stubborn battle...always.

Everyone parents differently so you do what works best for your child. I mean, that is what really matters right?