How do ya clear your mind from thinking negative thoughts?

[luvmyfam444]

Prayer and church are the keys for me. Sadly, I can't say any more than that without getting in trouble.

You ould always say more thru PM

 

[lovemygoofy]

Yes, I could say I have a very hardened heart without a doubt. could be described as already divorced.

I keep waiting on the major catastrophe to come along that will change things - ya know so we'll fall in love again 'cause something bad happened.

I keep tryinging to think of things positively - though I have NOT tried to keep them in a journal - good idea - seems like Oprah mentioned that MANY years ago.

I try when I'm complaining about the laundry to make my mind think at LEAST I have children to wash clothes for...that kind of thinking. That I at least have a home & bed.

That's what makes this all so difficult! "Cause my thought process shouldn't be like this 'cause I really am blessed ....

I don't think you have to think positively when complaining about laundry or whatever. You have to own whatever you are feeling. The key is to do something about it.

Are you just overwhelmed at home? Do you need a schedule to help with house stuff? I don't know how old you are but maybe your hormones are out of whack. That throws alot of women into tailspins.

As for waiting for the bad thing to happen to fall back in love, why not make an effort to fall back in love and celebrate it happening instead of waiting for it to happen. Nothing happens magically. It takes effort.

There is always a cause for someone's issue or almost always. Depression is very real and causes alot of heartache for not only you but your family. If you think that is some of the cause, then please do think about getting some help. Can't fix it if you don't try.

 

[Imzadi]

I keep tryinging to think of things positively - though I have NOT tried to keep them in a journal - good idea - seems like Oprah mentioned that MANY years ago.

Yes, she did. It was from the book, Simple Abundance. But, you don't need to read the whole book to do the gratitude part.

You want to think of putting yourself in a bubble. This way he can rant & scream and nitpic & criticise all he wants, and YOU remain calm.

You ever notice, that people who complain, ALWAYS have something to complain about, someone to complain about, and try to find someone to complain AT. All of those are currently YOU. When they can't find a person who sits there for their criticism, they will move on to find someone who will take it. That's why Customer Service lines are so long at stores. These people temporarily found a hostage to complain to and about. You STOP being that person.

Instead of wishing for some major catastrophe to come along that will change things, think of how it would be if something so wonderful happened to YOU, he could still be there criticising and putting you down, and you are just too darn happy & pleased as punch with yourself that you just don't care. Do you really think you will stop dancing to take on his criticism?

This isn't about not caring about him, but mitigating his negative effect on you.

Look at how twisted your thinking has become that you widh for a major catastrophe instead of something so wonderful, that he sees the wonderful spark that made him fall in love with you and He changes as a result.

 

[kristilew]

Prayer and church are the keys for me. Sadly, I can't say any more than that without getting in trouble.

that's exactly what I was going to say

The Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn books, For Women Only and For Men Only made a huge difference in my marriage. They do have a religious base, but are quick, easy reads that give a lot of basic persprective as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I didn't mean real appearance necessarily - we are the ones you'd bump into & think everything is just perfect with them KWIM

I'd love to change tons...I'd actually typed out a few examples on here & thought nah noone really wants the specifics so I deleted it.

In a nutshell - I'd like for him to take charge. Do the things that a "man" should do - or at least hire someone to do 'em. He's one of the types that works (yes, I know be grateful he works) & does nothing else but criticizes me that I handle the kids wrong.

He criticizes you? Now see, I can't past that. Squelching negative thoughts about this is not going to work. It is not the direction you should go, sorry.

What you can do is take charge yourself. If something needs to be fixed YOU hire that person.

I guess stop waiting on you dh to become a man and start making your life what you want. This is where personal counseling comes in handy. It will sort out your mind & give you baby steps to regaining yourself.

Your dh might get onboard with you or not. However walking on eggshells sounds like it is coming to an end for you. At least that is what I am reading between the lines.

You reach a point where it begins to make you physically and mentally sick. You have to decide where your lines are in the sand.

And I never think that a family is "perfect" so if you think you are putting on a front for people, you are mistaken in that regard.

 

[Angelhalo]

You ould always say more thru PM

Done!

 

[bumbershoot]

Nope, I haven't tried individual counseling yet - actually just started thinking about that yesterday. But I'm afraid all that is gonna get me is just shutup & live with it - Ya know?

I guess to sum it all up - if I have to do everything by myself anyway then maybe I should.

Counseling very rarely ends up with someone saying "shut up and live with it". Rather, it would likely help you work out what you truly want, and help you with ways to say it differently from how you've said it in the past, ways to help yourself, etc etc. Empowering you to get what you need.

In a nutshell - I'd like for him to take charge. Do the things that a "man" should do - or at least hire someone to do 'em. He's one of the types that works (yes, I know be grateful he works) & does nothing else but criticizes me that I handle the kids wrong.

Criticizing like that is no good. So...counseling might help you not care that he's doing it, it might help you with language to express to him how much you need for him to NOT do it, could help you speak to him so he can understand why you do what you do, etc.

As for doing what a man should do...if hiring someone is an answer there, I'd say, hire them yourself and be powerful, rather than waiting for him to do it.

I don't take any meds - I'm too chicken mainly - I have a filled prescription in my drawer from last year (or the year before ) read the side effects (and opinions on the dis) & that was it for me

The side effects certainly are frightening! Plus, this sounds like something easily overcome once you work out a way to be OK with things (or if you leave). Taking drugs sounds too much like drugging yourself so you're not a bother, or so you don't care. That sounds horrible to me. So good for you for wanting a different way to work on this!

I guess stop waiting on you dh to become a man and start making your life what you want. This is where personal counseling comes in handy. It will sort out your mind & give you baby steps to regaining yourself.

Your dh might get onboard with you or not. However walking on eggshells sounds like it is coming to an end for you. At least that is what I am reading between the lines.

You said it better than I did!

 

[tar heel]

I highly recommend some individual counseling. You need someone to help guide you through your decisions -- you'll still have to make them, though. After working on yourself, you can decide what to do about your marriage.

You sound mentally tired and very negative -- that isn't good for you or your marriage. You also sound a bit confused. This person is your "best friend" yet you don't see him as a "man." You're angry at him, but why? It might justified or you might really be angry at yourself. Some counseling will help you figure that out.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Thanks y'all. I just LOVE the DIS you sure get me thinking through things!

I will make a call for counseling---today---at least learn about it...I'd rather him not know I'm going - BUT he'll have to keep dd - so he'll have to know where I'm going.

The counseling we tried 5 yrs ago in the 1st session asked us why we were there & we said We don't know & they gave us a depression survey, told us we were both depressed & get some meds then come back later. so we got the meds - took them briefly (like less than a month) couldn't tell a difference so we stopped.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I guess I think of hiring someone to do the work (like cutting the grass) enables him to continue to do NOTHING. I had a friend come over with her lawmower & we cut my backyard side by side. he came home - didn't phase him one bit - figured it might embarrass him that 2 women were out cutting the grass NOPE! Not a bit. So either I cut the grass, or pay someone or its overgrown - had the neighbor complain once 'cause the weeds were coming thru to her side of the fence.

That's my biggest problem - I feel its bailing him out if I do it - KWIM?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I think of hiring someone to do the work (like cutting the grass) enables him to continue to do NOTHING. I had a friend come over with her lawmower & we cut my backyard side by side. he came home - didn't phase him one bit - figured it might embarrass him that 2 women were out cutting the grass NOPE! Not a bit. So either I cut the grass, or pay someone or its overgrown - had the neighbor complain once 'cause the weeds were coming thru to her side of the fence.

That's my biggest problem - I feel its bailing him out if I do it - KWIM?

It is not bailing him out. This is why you need counseling. You are beating yourself up and you need to stop it.

For whatever reason your dh has "checked out". Start dealing with what "is" and hire people. Don't live your life as you "wish" it to be.

You cannot change HIM, you can only change yourself and how you handle things.

Sounds like the situation stinks. However I will say that my dh and I had it out about 15yrs ago over "hiring people". He finally admitted he is NOT handy at fixing, painting, etc...so we agreed that we would hire out.

If your DH is not going to mow or do whatever it is, then hire someone to do it. Take away this friction in your relationship and see what happens.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I do ocassionally - someone to do the yard - but we really can't afford it - and it kills me to throw $100 out the window like that - when physically it can be done - so I often do it & so I told dd#1 how to use the lawnmower too so she's been helping me..

But doing that just makes me think more negatively i my mind - the more I take on myself shows me more & more why I don't need him...ya know?

 

[luvmyfam444]

YAY! I made the 1st baby step. I called the counseling center. Now next babystep will be to make an appointment. NOw to decide if I should do it solo or marriage -and then to see a licensed counselor or an experienced person or graduate student (1/2 the price to see non-licensed person of course). This is done through our church

 

[mickeyboat]

Good for you, luv!

I had another thought. Is your DH the sole breadwinner in your family? If so, do you think there is a disconnect between the two of you as to who is responsible for the work that needs to be done around the house? Maybe he thinks that you ought to do the lawn because he works all week. Maybe he feels that since you are the kids' primary caregiver that he doesn't have any say in how they are being raised and just wants to complain all the time. Maybe you have not been clear about your expectations of him, either.

I think it sounds like there is a major communication breakdown between the two of you, and that you need to find a counselor who will take the time to help you learn how to communicate again. Your past counselor did you a great disservice by trying to solve your problems with medication (although sometimes I think it does need to be part of the equation).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I do ocassionally - someone to do the yard - but we really can't afford it - and it kills me to throw $100 out the window like that - when physically it can be done - so I often do it & so I told dd#1 how to use the lawnmower too so she's been helping me..

But doing that just makes me think more negatively i my mind - the more I take on myself shows me more & more why I don't need him...ya know?

OK, I am going really try here for you and I hope you understand what I mean.

You are looking for things to bash your dh, reasons to think and behave negatively. (I am not saying he does not deserve it, don't misunderstand that.)

A simple saying that might make it click for you is...."the monster you feed is the monster that grows and is in control".

Right now you cannot stand him and you are making sure to MAKE your life miserable. You are punishing yourself.

This is why you need individual counseling. You need to see what you are doing instead of focusing on what he is doing.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Yes, what y'all are saying makes complete sense. Yes, he is the sole breadwinner - so i'm sure that's some of the issues - he feels thats enough. I should have all the other worries - INCLUDING where to come up with the $ when there's not any - I get all that stress alone to deal with - I don't think he even knows how much his paycheck is

Yep, I understand the monster I've created - I know its mainly in my mind - probably everyone else here would laugh @ what's bothering me - 'cause none of it really matters in the scheme of life - BUT in my mind it matters

I'm an emotional eater - so I'd LOVE to get my emotions under control & not eat my way out of the problems I have. Then maybe I could try weightloss - but not until my mind gets straighten up -'cause it wouldn't work til I solved the problem of emotional eating.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, what y'all are saying makes complete sense. Yes, he is the sole breadwinner - so i'm sure that's some of the issues - he feels thats enough. I should have all the other worries - INCLUDING where to come up with the $ when there's not any - I get all that stress alone to deal with - I don't think he even knows how much his paycheck is

Yep, I understand the monster I've created - I know its mainly in my mind - probably everyone else here would laugh @ what's bothering me - 'cause none of it really matters in the scheme of life - BUT in my mind it matters

I'm an emotional eater - so I'd LOVE to get my emotions under control & not eat my way out of the problems I have. Then maybe I could try weightloss - but not until my mind gets straighten up -'cause it wouldn't work til I solved the problem of emotional eating.

Can you get a job? I thought I read somewhere you were in school?

You really just need to focus on yourself now and not on your dh.