How do I POLITELY do this...

[soulmates]

Hi guys,

It's been over 2 months since my son's wedding. I asked a friend of mine, had she recieved her thank you yet, no. Ahhhh, WTH? I've read they "Technically" have 6 months...but that's Christmas and I KNOW they won't get done then. My DIL is not one to say thank you. This is an issue for me. I was brought up to send thank you's. I don't expect her to do that, but at least say thank you. Last year we sent her a check for her BD, never heard a word about it. Now, they've had a wedding, and you know what? These were MY friends and family that brought gifts and traveled 3000 miles to be with them. Aaron is in Afghanastan, so I won't say anything to him, he's got enough on his plate. But she's just going to school full time. I know she has time in the evenings to write them out. How do I tactfully let her know this is unacceptable to NOT thank people for gifts & money? Please don't think I'm a total wench, but this is a huge deal to me. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries.

Thanks, I've only been a MIL for a few months now, still new to me!

Chris

 

[rosiep]

Offer to help. Casually mention that so and so remarked that they hadn't received a thank-you; Make it seem as if it's important to them (not you), then tell her you know how busy she is with school and what if you came over on such and such a day to help her address the envelopes..Make it sound inviting...offer to bring dessert.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

You ask your son if the thank you notes are complete. If not, have him write thank yous to your friends and family.

I would not ask the DIL - there is not an easy way to do that. Anyway your son should be responsible for half the notes anyway.

 

[soulmates]

Offer to help. Casually mention that so and so remarked that they hadn't received a thank-you; Make it seem as if it's important to them (not you), then tell her you know how busy she is with school and what if you came over on such and such a day to help her address the envelopes..Make it sound inviting...offer to bring dessert.

Good idea, very good!! Thanks

You ask your son if the thank you notes are complete. If not, have him write thank yous to your friends and family.

I would not ask the DIL - there is not an easy way to do that. Anyway your son should be responsible for half the notes anyway.

My son is in Afghanastan, he has no idea of what's going on here, and I really don't want to cause friction with them. Thanks

 

[rpmdfw]

Chris, there isn't an easy way to handle this.

I can see where you don't want to worry your son about this while he's deployed in Afganistan (thank him for that, by the way!_

My advice is to casually mention to DIL that you know she's VERY busy and cheefully offer to do them for her. No, it's not your responsibility, but she doesn't seem to care about doing them, and if you want your friends and family to not be offended, then you're going to have to do them.

OR . . . you could let it go and let the friends and family think of her what they will think of her (which you don't have any control over, anyway). The thing about this option is that if you don't do anything, you have to really let it go. You can't let it fester and bother you for years and years.

So if you can get past it, let her do her own thing. If you can't, do them yourself, but only after you've offered and she's accepted your offer. If you offer and she says no. Then it is not in your best interest to do them "behind her back".

 

[soulmates]

Chris, there isn't an easy way to handle this.

I can see where you don't want to worry your son about this while he's deployed in Afganistan (thank him for that, by the way!_

My advice is to casually mention to DIL that you know she's VERY busy and cheefully offer to do them for her. No, it's not your responsibility, but she doesn't seem to care about doing them, and if you want your friends and family to not be offended, then you're going to have to do them.

OR . . . you could let it go and let the friends and family think of her what they will think of her (which you don't have any control over, anyway). The thing about this option is that if you don't do anything, you have to really let it go. You can't let it fester and bother you for years and years.

So if you can get past it, let her do her own thing. If you can't, do them yourself, but only after you've offered and she's accepted your offer. If you offer and she says no. Then it is not in your best interest to do them "behind her back".

I will thank him Rob Your so right, there is NO easy way with this. She was raised differently then my children. Her parents are wonderful, they just aren't big on things like this. My family however is. My BFF actually emailed me and mentioned, she's heard nothing from Michelle. My first reaction was embarrasment. But you know, your right, I am NOT responsible for her. I can't control what she does. I know if Aaron were here, I would have no problem mentioning it to him...but it's different. She's not my child and we're not close like that. She's always very nice to us and she's a joy to be around..but again, things like this aren't a priority for her. I'm going to send a brief email and just mention that if she hasn't already done them, I'd like to help, since I know how busy she is with school. After that, there is nothing I can do. My friends & family will have to get over it.

Thanks everyone, this really did help me. I love my DIS friends!

Chris

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Good idea, very good!! Thanks



My son is in Afghanastan, he has no idea of what's going on here, and I really don't want to cause friction with them. Thanks

Nonsense!! This is your son's fault too -his lack of manners is apparent.

I know two people in Afghanistan - one got married on leave, and one had a baby. They were able to write their notes from overseas.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I HATE when people do not write thank you notes. HATE IT!!!

DS is required to write thank you notes for his birthday and Christmas gifts. I had a mom approach me at school after his birthday last year and express her SHOCK at receiving a note from him in the mail. Um, guess we shouldn't be looking for a note from her son? Good thing he didn't have a birthday and invite DS!

At my previous job a friend of the family was griping to me about the nanny I replaced. My boss threw a huge baby shower for this girl, and she didn't write a single thank you note. The family friend was APPALLED. So my boss said something to the ex-nanny and the ex-nanny said "in her culture" they don't write thank you notes. Excuse me?

I would tell your DIL that several friends have asked if the couple received their gifts, so you would love to give her a hand with all those thank you notes. Really, if anything was misplaced or lost in shipping it would be much easier to field those inquiries from the senders if thank you notes have been sent for everything they received.

 

[rpmdfw]

I will thank him Rob Your so right, there is NO easy way with this. She was raised differently then my children. Her parents are wonderful, they just aren't big on things like this. My family however is. My BFF actually emailed me and mentioned, she's heard nothing from Michelle. My first reaction was embarrasment. But you know, your right, I am NOT responsible for her. I can't control what she does. I know if Aaron were here, I would have no problem mentioning it to him...but it's different. She's not my child and we're not close like that. She's always very nice to us and she's a joy to be around..but again, things like this aren't a priority for her. I'm going to send a brief email and just mention that if she hasn't already done them, I'd like to help, since I know how busy she is with school. After that, there is nothing I can do. My friends & family will have to get over it.

Thanks everyone, this really did help me. I love my DIS friends!

Chris

If you do end up doing it, let me know. I think I've still got the spreadsheet/form letter I used to do ours. I could email it too you

Yes, I know that they're supposed to be hand written and personalized, but that was NEVER going to happen. So I created a spreadsheet that fed into a form letter than made it look like a very personalized note printed onto the thank you card. Since I included a mention of the gift, whether or not the person attended the wedding or not, and our plans for their gift, everyone (including my mom) thought we had hand typed each note. Worked like a charm.

 

[soulmates]

Nonsense!! This is your son's fault too -his lack of manners is apparent.

I know two people in Afghanistan - one got married on leave, and one had a baby. They were able to write their notes from overseas.

Just wanted to let you know, where my son is, isn't even a base. It's called a FOB. They have no internet, no cell no nothing. It's a war zone. Writing thank you notes is not a priority. We haven't heard from him. I can't imagine when I do, asking him to write thank you's because his wife who goes to school and has evenings free, doesn't feel like it. Just because you know someone who is over there, doesn't mean EVERYONE has it like them. The last time my son was there, he had alot of the comforts of home. This time, it's very dangerous. He left right after they got married. It's easy to be quick to judge, when you don't have all the facts.

 

[jeanigor]

Nonsense!! This is your son's fault too -his lack of manners is apparent.

I know two people in Afghanistan - one got married on leave, and one had a baby. They were able to write their notes from overseas.

Everyone's situation is slightly different, Aaron may not be able to. Although I would agree that both of the newlyweds should share in the thank you writing, this is a non-typical situation and Michelle seems oblivious to other people's graciousness and generosity.

 

[dustyraye]

If you do end up doing it, let me know. I think I've still got the spreadsheet/form letter I used to do ours. I could email it too you

Yes, I know that they're supposed to be hand written and personalized, but that was NEVER going to happen. So I created a spreadsheet that fed into a form letter than made it look like a very personalized note printed onto the thank you card. Since I included a mention of the gift, whether or not the person attended the wedding or not, and our plans for their gift, everyone (including my mom) thought we had hand typed each note. Worked like a charm.

Ooh, this is so clever!!! You could probably make some money selling something like this.

 

[wallyb]

Chris, there isn't an easy way to handle this.

I can see where you don't want to worry your son about this while he's deployed in Afganistan (thank him for that, by the way!_

My advice is to casually mention to DIL that you know she's VERY busy and cheefully offer to do them for her. No, it's not your responsibility, but she doesn't seem to care about doing them, and if you want your friends and family to not be offended, then you're going to have to do them.

OR . . . you could let it go and let the friends and family think of her what they will think of her (which you don't have any control over, anyway). The thing about this option is that if you don't do anything, you have to really let it go. You can't let it fester and bother you for years and years.

So if you can get past it, let her do her own thing. If you can't, do them yourself, but only after you've offered and she's accepted your offer. If you offer and she says no. Then it is not in your best interest to do them "behind her back".

I'm in lock step with you here Rob

Nonsense!! This is your son's fault too -his lack of manners is apparent.

That's not the only thing apparent here.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Just wanted to let you know, where my son is, isn't even a base. It's called a FOB. They have no internet, no cell no nothing. It's a war zone. Writing thank you notes is not a priority. We haven't heard from him. I can't imagine when I do, asking him to write thank you's because his wife who goes to school and has evenings free, doesn't feel like it. Just because you know someone who is over there, doesn't mean EVERYONE has it like them. The last time my son was there, he had alot of the comforts of home. This time, it's very dangerous. He left right after they got married. It's easy to be quick to judge, when you don't have all the facts.

Yeah, I am familiar with forward operating bases and what their purpose is. You are asking me not to judge your son - but you are freely judging your DIL - some double standard.

good luck

 

[sirJeffrey90]

Eeeeek. That's a yucky subject. You don't wanna seem like the meddling mother-in-law. I agree with someone who posted earlier; try to make it seem like people want them, but I think it's a BAD idea to say people have been commenting. Don't make her feel like it's a chore, and offer to help; that'd be nice for both of you.



you know it's funny....I was JUST watching an Everybody loves Raymond episode about this.

 

[wallyb]

Someone seems to need a nap.

 

[soulmates]

Nonsense!! This is your son's fault too -his lack of manners is apparent.

I know two people in Afghanistan - one got married on leave, and one had a baby. They were able to write their notes from overseas.

Everyone's situation is slightly different, Aaron may not be able to. Although I would agree that both of the newlyweds should share in the thank you writing, this is a non-typical situation and Michelle seems oblivious to other people's graciousness and generosity.

Thank you, and I agree. IF he were here, this wouldn't be an issue.

Ooh, this is so clever!!! You could probably make some money selling something like this.

I'm in lock step with you here Rob



That's not the only thing apparent here.

I love you Wally

Yeah, I am familiar with forward operating bases and what their purpose is. You are asking me not to judge your son - but you are freely judging your DIL - some double standard.

good luck

I'm having a hard time trying to see this from your point of view. The facts are SIMPLE, he's in a situation where he physically CANNOT write thank you's. He left RIGHT after they got married. She goes to school during the day. She has evenings free. She has never sent anyone in our family thanks you's before. Those are the facts. Not judging her, as I said, she's a JOY to be around, she was raised differently. What else can I possibly say here? He's not at summer camp, he's not on a base where he has access to what most people have, he's in a war zone. If you've watched the news then you would know where he is, is THE hotspot. He's 82' nd Airborn, and he's fighting for his life. Thank you's haven't crossed his mind.

 

[PghLybrt]

I just got one from a friend. It was not personalized for each person, I will give you that, but it was cute. They did a photo card of different pictures form the wedding and simply said thank you. I really like it , now I have pictures of them. It looked quick too. ( with 2 kids and 1 in the way they needed that!)

Now, I do not now for sure but I thought it was a year.

 

[wallyb]

I was JUST watching an Everybody loves Raymond episode about this.

I flashed on the same episode.

The orange invitation candle!

 

[soulmates]

I flashed on the same episode.

Too funny. I NEED that laugh too! I had NO idea this would get outta control.