How do I help my DS understand (long)

[RadioNate]

DS who is 6 loves to play outside with the neighbor kids. He LOVES it. Every time they are out he wants to run out there and join them. If I say no he throws major temper tantrums.

I'm at a loss. I can't always send him out there. DD is sleeping so I can't be out there w/him and I already feel guilty that I'm constantly dumping him on the neighbors who are out there with their kids.

Isn't it rude that he runs out there w/no invite nearly every time they step outside their house?

Then there is the fit issue. They are horrible, he screams that 'it isn't fair' and 'I want to go outside' over and over at the top of his lungs. It is a complete meltdown. He just doesn't get that these fits are part of what is keeping him inside. Of course the more I say that he can't go out the worse his behavior gets.

He sees no connection between throwing a fit and the fact that he isn't allowed to go outside.

Here is what happened today. DD was sleeping when the neighbor kids came out. I told him that I couldn't go out with him right then and we'd decide when DD woke up. That set off the screaming. After he calmed down I told him that because he threw a fit he couldn't play outside today. That re-ignited the tantrum. 40 min later his screaming has woken up DD and he is in his room pouting muttering that 'mommy is mean.' I'm sure when I go in there all his sheets, blankets and pillows will be on the floor from him throwing them in anger.

I know he still doesn't 'get' how his behavior is affecting the situation.

I also need him to under social norms and that I can't just always send him out to the neighbors.

Mostly though, I just need to vent.

 

[scottishduffy]

....

 

[wowsmom]

Do you think the tantrums might be partly related to having a new baby sister? Is there something special you can do with him while the baby is sleeping? I know it's not the same as getting to go outside, but it might be something he'd enjoy.

My older son was just over 3 when my second was born. We used #2's nap time as a time to build Legos - cuz those tiny things weren't allowed out when the baby was awake.

 

[scottishduffy]

Sometimes it just takes a while to sink in. Try talking to him when he is calm about how he needs to behave to go out side.

When I was Nanny I had a seven yr old who had big issues with behavior in public toward other kids. I would always drag her home from play dates for her behavior. Talking to her at that time was not a good time to talk with her. Usually right before she went to bed we would have 15-20 minutes of talking time. We would talk about her bad choices and how if she ever wanted to stay on a play date she needed to behave a certain way. We also role played with her Barbies where she could punish the beejeesus out of my 'bad' barbie. (She got one heck of a little power trip on that. She could have been a Medieval executioner) Whenever she would get to where she was about to be super bossy with friends I would also serve a gentle reminder to "Think about your choices". Likewise, when she made good choices we would talk about that before bed and how her good choices earned her priviledges.

Keep consistent, Keep explaining clearly WHY he has a certain punishment. It will sink in eventually. He is probably just hoping if he is bad enough you won't want to deal with him and just let it slide. Hang in there!!

 

[Sandy V.]

Hang in there and vent away!! You're doing the right thing and you're being a great mom.

At six, your son doesn't have the maturity to understand why he can't do WHAT he wants WHEN he wants, and its your job to guide him in this area.

And if he rips the blankets off his bed, he can either sleep on them on the floor or he can remake his own bed. I certainly wouldn't do it for him! He does need to have some "consequences" for that!!

Those tantrums can be so exasperating, can't they?

 

[CathrynRose]

Smack 'em.




Im kidding!

Is there a neighbor kid you could 'pay' to baby sit? How old are the kids out there?

 

[DVCLiz]

Alison - stop putting yourself through this every day and make a plan!!!!
First, go and TALK to the neighbors - the parents, that is, not the children. Explain the situation and ask what they'd be comfortable with. They might say, "Heavens! Send him out any time! We can keep an eye on him until your daughter wakes up!" Or, they might say, "We are glad for him to play with our kids but we'd like you to be here as well." Either way, you'll know what they are thinking.
Then, when you have the information you need, talk to your son and make a plan. Of course, you are the mom so you get to make the rules. And if his behavior is an issue, an easy way is to say, "If you throw any kind of fit, you stay inside today." Maybe he goes on certain days, or maybe he waits until the baby wakes up - whatever. Explain it to him and let him know what the consequences are if he doesn't follow your rules. Then stick to it.

Good luck - he will grow up faster than you think and you'll be out of this phase before you know it!!!

 

[WilmaBud]

To answer your 1st question, yes, it is rude to send him out to play every time your neighbors are out there. We used to have a neighbor whose kid always wanted to come over when he saw my kids outside. It was terrible. A lot of times, my kids would just stay in because they didn't want to play with him. Sometimes we felt like prisoners in our own home.

I don't mean this as any reflection on you or your son. It's just nice to feel like you can go out in your own backyard alone sometimes without having to entertain or play with anyone else.

It sounds like you're having a battle of the wills with your son. He's coming close to the age of reason. I think at 6 he's old enough to understand the consequences of his actions and choices. If he rips his bed apart, I'd make him put it back together or sleep on it as is. Eventually, he'd have to put it back together, or I'd give some other consequence.

It must be exhausting dealing with this and having a baby, too. Stay firm and consistent, and don't feel guilty for saying no and disappointing him. Keep your explanations short and simple This, too, shall pass. Good luck!

 

[va32h]

I had a similar problem and I did as DVCLiz suggested - talked to the neighbor mom. She said he was welcome to play anytime and since they lived behind us it was easy for me to keep an eye on him in their backyard.

Now my son is the type that can play all day, so from time to time I would talk to her again, "are you sure it's okay for him to be in your yard for hours!". And when my youngest was awake/able to play outside, I would invite the kids into my yard, to repay the other mom for her kindness.

My son also did the "throw the blankets off the bed" thing. I would just tell him that he couldn't come out of his room til he 1) stopped having a tantrum and 2) cleaned up the mess he made.

Of course I don't have a baby trying to nap, so I could afford to let him holler until he realized it wasn't doing any good.

 

[RadioNate]

ahh - of course you are all right. I seriously need to get organized and get my life in order. I wasn't good at being a SAHM to 1 kid, now there are 2!!

I guess working forced me to get it together. oh well. tomorrow is another day.

thanks for all the great suggestions, you've given me hope that one day he'll get it and not be screaming like a crazy child.

btw - he did remake his bed. now I need to sleep, any tips on getting a 6 week old to sleep, lol.

 

[Aidensmom]

Do you know the other children's parents that are out there? They may not mind, maybe you should just ask if you are being an imposition. In the house we used to live in, whenever we were in our yard with our son, all the neighborhood kids came running over. We didn't mind, we were out there anyways, and the children were respectful to us. I would only have had a problem if the children wouldn't listen to our rules.

We moved a few months ago, and we seem to be beginning to have the same situation again...honestly, as my son is an only child, we kind of like that the other kids want to come play catch or tennis or whatever we are doing.

On the other hand, I do understand where you are coming from because I would feel guilty if I was not able to help out with watching the kids. We are probably just overprotective, but there is only one family we let ours go outside with without us. We just tell our son basically what we feel....we don't feel comfortable with him being out without us for a long time, and that we will make the time to take him out to play with the other children at another time.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I think it is very normal for kids to go out and play with other kids. Don't know who would be upset about it. If the mom didn't want him there, she'd go say, "It is time for you to go home." But if you're all that worried, go talk to her!

The behavior is another issue. If you want him to stop throwing temper tantrums, just ignore him totally. Let him scream it out. They'll get worse for a while, but then they'll get better and disappear entirely. Ignoring is a LOT easier than trying to make the child understand why you say, "no" to things. That's MHO.

 

[Aidensmom]

Do you know the other children's parents that are out there? They may not mind, maybe you should just ask if you are being an imposition. In the house we used to live in, whenever we were in our yard with our son, all the neighborhood kids came running over. We didn't mind, we were out there anyways, and the children were respectful to us. I would only have had a problem if the children wouldn't listen to our rules.

We moved a few months ago, and we seem to be beginning to have the same situation again...honestly, as my son is an only child, we kind of like that the other kids want to come play catch or tennis or whatever we are doing.

On the other hand, I do understand where you are coming from because I would feel guilty if I was not able to help out with watching the kids. We are probably just overprotective, but there is only one family we let ours go outside with without us. We just tell our son basically what we feel....we don't feel comfortable with him being out without us for a long time, and that we will make the time to take him out to play with the other children at another time.

 

[Aidensmom]

Do you know the other children's parents that are out there? They may not mind, maybe you should just ask if you are being an imposition. In the house we used to live in, whenever we were in our yard with our son, all the neighborhood kids came running over. We didn't mind, we were out there anyways, and the children were respectful to us. I would only have had a problem if the children wouldn't listen to our rules.

We moved a few months ago, and we seem to be beginning to have the same situation again...honestly, as my son is an only child, we kind of like that the other kids want to come play catch or tennis or whatever we are doing.

On the other hand, I do understand where you are coming from because I would feel guilty if I was not able to help out with watching the kids. We are probably just overprotective, but there is only one family we let ours go outside with without us. We just tell our son basically what we feel....we don't feel comfortable with him being out without us for a long time, and that we will make the time to take him out to play with the other children at another time.

 

[Aidensmom]

Do you know the other children's parents that are out there? They may not mind, maybe you should just ask if you are being an imposition. In the house we used to live in, whenever we were in our yard with our son, all the neighborhood kids came running over. We didn't mind, we were out there anyways, and the children were respectful to us. I would only have had a problem if the children wouldn't listen to our rules.

We moved a few months ago, and we seem to be beginning to have the same situation again...honestly, as my son is an only child, we kind of like that the other kids want to come play catch or tennis or whatever we are doing.

On the other hand, I do understand where you are coming from because I would feel guilty if I was not able to help out with watching the kids. We are probably just overprotective, but there is only one family we let ours go outside with without us. We just tell our son basically what we feel....we don't feel comfortable with him being out without us for a long time, and that we will make the time to take him out to play with the other children at another time.

 

[mickeyboat]

Did you ever have a chance to read 1-2-3 Magic? It is very helpful with these kinds of behaviors - and helps to set clear consequences for bad behavior. I highly recommend it.

Denae

 

[fan_of_small_world]

Around here, the kids mostly play out front or ride bikes/scooters around the cul-de-sac; we fully expect the neighbors kids to show up if ours are playing outside. Isn't that what kids do? It gives them someone to play with.

Is it posiible for you to sit outside and keep an eye on him while your little one sleeps? I used the baby monitor for just that reason.

As for the tantrums, he will eventually grow out of them, but it can take a while. Stay consistant with the consequences of pitching fits, and he will finally "get it." Hang in there!!

 

[RadioNate]

Did you ever have a chance to read 1-2-3 Magic? It is very helpful with these kinds of behaviors - and helps to set clear consequences for bad behavior. I highly recommend it.

Denae

I bought it....then I had a baby 3 week early. I forgot how crazy having a newborn can be. How did I go back to work at 6 weeks with DS? I feel like I don't have my feet under me at all yet.

ok, will read the book, lol.

thanks again for the support, we don't have a lot of other children (or parents) in our life so it is really comforting to know that other people go through it and that it'll pass!

 

[Mkrop]

I went through the same exact thing with my kid minus the tantrums, he just got real sad.

my suggestion are to also go ask the other parents, they might not mind, my neighbors did not care at all.

some days I brought the baby monitor out and watch them play as well, they are right next dooor and play in the front yeard and driveways so this worked

and some days I had to go close the blinds so he wouldnt see them

It was a very hard transition to having your life revolve around you to being told, we have to wait until your sister wakes up.

I am sure there was not a lot of waiting to get what he wanted before the baby came along.

Be consistent, and you will manage.

 

[Erin1700]

How about making a stop or go sign for the door? If it is green he is free to go outside, if it is red he must stay in.