How do I handle this situation????

[Willow25]

This past weekend my in laws came up (they live four hours away) to babysit our 18 month old daughter Friday night while we went to a birthday party. The next day we drove over to my brother in law's house to visit with them and have a swim in their pool. They have a 17 month old daughter as well. After we were done swimming my MIL grabbed my daughter and took her in to have a bath with her cousin who was being supervised by her mother.

After a few minutes I heard a big splash and a bang then my daughter screaming. I ran to the bathroom door opened it and was shocked to see my MIL naked drying herself off with a towel. My sister in law was not in there and both girls were standing in the bath, my daugher screaming. I asked my MIL what happened and to hand me a towel. She stated, "she JUST slipped". I got the towel ready and was trying to sooth my daughter while my naked MIL gives her a big hug. I get my daughter out of the bath and try to settle her down. I sat on the couch with her and gave her, her blankey. She sucked on the corner pulled it away and I saw blood. I called out to my husband to come and have a look at her. In the meanwhile I heard a crunch and saw the corner of one of her front two teeth chip away. Then noticed a big egg forming on her forehead. So we did everything we could think of ice, etc. and she had a dental appointment today for an x-ray.

In the meantime my MIL comes out of the bathroom and my husband asks her what happened. She says I don't know I was in the bath with the girls, then I got out and was drying myself off while they were standing watching me. I did not see what happened!!

Okay first off who gave her the right to make the decision that it is okay to bathe naked with my child. Second how can you supervise two toddlers effectively while naked and drying off. There were six adults in the house, couldn't she have asked someone for assistance.

I am trying really hard to be understanding, I know accidents happen and kids fall a lot at this age. But we are hypervigilant around baths because of how dangerouse they can be.

My MIL is feeling really low about this situation and so far the only thing we have said is that accidents happen and that we all just need to move on. However I am not sure how to broach the subject of not getting into the bath or being nude around my daughter. I work in foster care and I am a strong believer in teaching kids protective behaviors concerning their bodies. How can my husband have this conversation with her without making her feel worse? Also how can I get the image of my naked MIL out of my head?

 

[npmommie]

Wow. First I don't know how you will get the naked image out

I really think you and hubby should have a talk with MIL. I agree it was totally inappropriate for her to bathe with your child. Does she do this with the cousin? did you ask the other parents how they felt about her doing this.
also I agree her role was to supervise the kids, not be bathing herself!

I would be equally mad over her not properly watching the kids and the bathing part.
I hope your little one is ok

 

[peytonsmomie]

I think the best thing you can do is simply avoid the situation in the future. It sounds like your MIL has a solid relationship with all involved, and will only be hurt if you bring it up. I'm sure she's mortified.

If you pre-bathe your kiddos before she watches them, you can avoid having her need to bathe them. And if a situation arises where she's offering to take her into the bath, which I'd be shocked if she did after what happened this time, I'd simply say that bath-time is your special playtime with your daughter, and you'd be sad if you missed it.

What a horrible thing to happen during such a fun family time. I hope your daughter is okay. As for the "talk" we've been a really open household with our kids, leaving bathroom doors unlocked and allowing them to see how the human body is formed. So I wouldn't worry too much about teaching her about inappropriate touches. There's a huge difference between your daughter seeing a woman in her life's naked body, and being touched inappropriately. I wouldn't worry too much about it. By the time she needs to make a distinction between what is okay and what is not, this incident will be long in the past and she won't recall it.

 

[kpadalik]

First off, I think the most scarring and damaging of this entire situation is the fact that you saw your MIL naked! OMG!

Besides that, you can take comfort in knowing that at least her baby teeth are going to fall out and they won't stay chipped forever and the bump on her head will go away. (Hopefully, the X-ray shows that everything is allright.)

Now I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with your MIL, but even you said she feels really low about everything that happened. I think just having a chat with her (non-confrontational and not accusatory) about how you feel about the situation. She knows the line of work that you are in and I think telling her what you posted on here speaks volumes - I am a strong believer in teaching kids protective behaviors concerning their bodies.

Even though she never should have been in the bath w/ those children (who besides parents would ever even think about doing that?), in her defense, she was probably trying to get herself dried off before getting the kids out and dry.

It sounds like she would be pretty understanding if you expressed your feelings on the situation. Just try not to be accusatory in any way. She's probably embarrassed that you saw her naked too! But you can probably bet that none of this will happen again! Let us know what happens!

 

[Willow25]

We are sort of thinking that following her x-ray this afternoon which we are confident will show us that no permanent damage was done that my husband will give her a call and let her know that all is okay. To reassure her that accidents happen etc and that we hope she does not continue to dwell on it.

I would drop the issue of bathing for a while but I am pregnant and having a ceaserian in 5.5 weeks. My in laws are coming up to watch my daughter while I am in hospital and I need to feel confident that the bathing together will not happen again. Therefore my husband is going to talk with her tonight in a really gentle manner letting her know that we are just not comfortable with it. I think she will get upset about it no matter what we do or how we say it but I can't help feeling that we can't put it off.

 

[AC7179]

We are open aboput our bodies in my house....so I'm sure I'm coming at this from a different angle....but I would just drop it and try to avoid it in the future.

If she bathes with her again when you have the baby, which I would guess she would not because she'd be so afraid of what happened last time, but if she does, I would just not worry about it and in the future not leave her for overnights if she hasn't been bathed.

 

[Sillyminny40]

Oh. How old is MIL (not that age is an indicator)? That is not typical behavior.

 

[reginaastralis]

I guess I am coming from a different place as well, because my daughter takes baths with either myself or my mom. Sometimes she asks to take them by herself, but she is tickled pink to take a shower with one of us.

She's four, so we're starting to put a stop to it ... but I don't see anything wrong with it.

To each their own, I guess.

 

[NotUrsula]

I would drop the issue of bathing for a while but I am pregnant and having a ceaserian in 5.5 weeks. My in laws are coming up to watch my daughter while I am in hospital and I need to feel confident that the bathing together will not happen again. Therefore my husband is going to talk with her tonight in a really gentle manner letting her know that we are just not comfortable with it. I think she will get upset about it no matter what we do or how we say it but I can't help feeling that we can't put it off.

This is your DH' mother here, isn't it? He grew up in her house, correct? He surely knew that had been her habit in his childhood to share baths sometimes. You need to ask him if she has always done this, and if so, accept that she has no untoward intent in doing so. Some of us are quite comfortable being naked around family members in our own homes, especially when those family members are diaper-age babies who won't remember it anyway.

If you tell her that you don't want her doing it, do NOT spin this in terms of inappropriate nudity. Concentrate on the safety perspective, and you will have the same effect without insulting her. Just tell her that you are concerned that the toddler might get away from her again and how problematic it would be if she herself slipped and fell in that situation. As long as she would normally wear a robe outside the bathroom in your home, the nudity otherwise should not be an issue for you.

 

[katyjeka]

I hope all is well with your dd. I've learned over the years that children have an amazing ability to recover from things quickly. I've seen a few goose eggs on our dd's and thankfully they have pretty hard heads. The thought of seeing my mother inlaw naked is just to scary!!! Hope all is well. Janice

 

[brymolmom]

Obviously she already feels bad for 'dropping the ball' on watching the kids in the bath. I wouldn't think too long or hard about it - it sounds like it was all with good intentions. Next time she is around for bath time I would just casually mention that you prefer if dd takes a bath alone.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Personally I would say something to her about the whole bathing together thing. It's not that I think nudity is a bad thing, but I don't want members of my extended family bathing with my kids. I know they are not whackos but I still don't think it is appropriate. I think you showed pretty good restraint not telling her right then and there. Then again, you were probably traumatized not only by your poor baby being hurt but of getting to view your mil buck nekkid.
I hope your baby feels better soon.

 

[MiniGirl]

I guess I am coming from a different place as well, because my daughter takes baths with either myself or my mom. Sometimes she asks to take them by herself, but she is tickled pink to take a shower with one of us.

She's four, so we're starting to put a stop to it ... but I don't see anything wrong with it.

To each their own, I guess.

I think a big difference is that you know she is showering with your mom and have given your approval. Would you also be okay if it were your MIL? The bathing was done without the OP's knowledge, and frankly, regardless of my child's age, I wouldn't want anyone nude around my nude daughters without my knowing about it.

OP, it sounds like ya'll are doing the right thing. Your MIL sounds like a nice person, and I understand not wanting to upset her. Reassuring her that your dd is fine and then just being forthright and honest about the bathing issue is all you really can do. Hopefully, she will understand and get over any hurt feelings that may result from the conversation.

 

[Sillyminny40]

I think a big difference is that you know she is showering with your mom and have given your approval. Would you also be okay if it were your MIL? The bathing was done without the OP's knowledge, and frankly, regardless of my child's age, I wouldn't want anyone nude around my nude daughters without my knowing about it.

OP, it sounds like ya'll are doing the right thing. Your MIL sounds like a nice person, and I understand not wanting to upset her. Reassuring her that your dd is fine and then just being forthright and honest about the bathing issue is all you really can do. Hopefully, she will understand and get over any hurt feelings that may result from the conversation.

MInnygirl puts it very nicely about approval. But it is your choice about nudity or showering/bathing with your OWN toddler (we do NOT, just our choice) but the fall and bump demonstrates MIL cannot handle it. Your daughter will be just fine but the bathroom is really a dangerous place and adults cannot take their eyes off of a pre-schooler for a minute. Hurt feelings? Safety comes first and you do not have to pussyfoot around this in mho. Again, poor MIL's judgment and I question whether she demonstrated a right state of mind.

 

[firsttimeguest]

I agree with sillyminny40

 

[snoopy5386]

First off, I would also be very upset in your situation. I would be upset with anyone who caused my kid permanent damage (the tooth), accident or not. This includes DH, I would get over it of course, but those initial feelings of anger would be there, and I don't think you should feel bad about that. I agree it is weird that she decided to bathe with them, I would think two toddlers in the tub would make it pretty full to begin with, not to mention it is inappopriate. That said I bathe with DD (almost 3) and she also sees DH naked on a regular basis, and I have no problem with this. I also have no problem with her seeing extended family in various states of undress - she tends to barge in on folks who are staying here, as long as they don't mind (they don't), I don't mind. But I would draw the line at bathing with her without a bathing suit. And I always pick up DD and place her outside of the tub before I get out instead of after.

 

[mjmoon]

I think taking a bath with the girls was innocent enough, though I would never be comfortable bathing with children.. I don't even bath with my own kids. I wouldn't make a huge issue about that in and of itself. I do think the accident gives your DH a good jumping off point to have that conversation. He could approach it from a safety standpoint.. "Mom, I realize that what happened was a total accident but we're a little nervous now about bath time. I'd feel more comfortable if in the future you give her a bath instead of taking a bath with her." Something along those lines.

 

[leighe]

I think taking a bath with the girls was innocent enough, though I would never be comfortable bathing with children.. I don't even bath with my own kids. I wouldn't make a huge issue about that in and of itself. I do think the accident gives your DH a good jumping off point to have that conversation. He could approach it from a safety standpoint.. "Mom, I realize that what happened was a total accident but we're a little nervous now about bath time. I'd feel more comfortable if in the future you give her a bath instead of taking a bath with her." Something along those lines.

ITA. This is a calm, rational response. It would handle the situation without creating a lot of unnecessary drama.

 

[disykat]

I agree with others. Leave the whole naked thing out of it and make sure she knows that for safety reasons there needs to be an adult outside the bathtub supervising her at all times.

To me, I don't care what she was wasn't wearing. You can't turn your back on babies in a tub!

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't know, I find bathing with children not your own odd. I never bathed with my own kids and cannot think of any reason that I would have bathed with my DGD. What's done is done but I agree that your DH needs to ask his mother to remain outside of the bathtub when the children are bathing for safety's sake.