How do I answer now?

[chell]

When people ask me my marital status now how do I answer? I seem to be told different things by different people. I know my situation isn't a normal one so it makes it more difficult for me to decide.

My husband and I were divorced this past September but we never lost contact with one another and were actually going to give it one more try. Monday night he called me and asked for about the millionth time if I would give him one more chance. To his shock and mine I finally said yes. He was SO happy. He could have flown - that is how happy he was. We made plans to go out on a date today. We were going to go out for dinner and discuss him moving close to me then he was going to take me to Best Buy so I could pick out which IPod I want. He knew how bad I wanted one so he was going to buy it for me. Him even thinking of spending that much money on me was enough to show me that there really were some major changes going on inside of him.

Approxamitely 12 minutes after we ended our conversation he was tragically killed. He never would acknowledge that we were divorced. Just last weekend he said something about me still being his wife and said that in his eyes I always would be.

So the question is am I divorced or a widow? See why it isn't so easy for me to know which is right. Someone said it is what I feel in my heart. If that is the case then I am crushed, heartbroken, sad beyond belief, etc. But that usually isn't a choice.

 

[newholidayx2]

youre legally divorced

 

[chell]

youre legally divorced

That was my answer to people as well but I was corrected by several people.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I don't know, but I just needed to give you a hug.

So sorry for this tradgity. It has to be so much harder because of how complacated the whole situation is. There is a lot that needs to be worked out.

I guess I would say both.

 

[raammartin]

I don't know either (legally divorced, but in your heart widowed??), but you need a big . I can't imagine what you must be going through.

 

[chell]

I don't know, but I just needed to give you a hug.

So sorry for this tradgity. It has to be so much harder because of how complacated the whole situation is. There is a lot that needs to be worked out.

I guess I would say both.

Thanks for the hugs. It isn't a black & white thing. Somehow my entire life never has been.

You wouldn't believe how bad I feel now for divorcing him. But the divorce wasn't because I didn't love him or because I didn't want him in my life. He knew that I always wanted him in my life and that I would always love and care about him. I divorced him because I loved him so much. I know that may sound strange but it is the truth. He had some problems that he would not deal with. The divorce was my last ditch effort at saving him and helping him to do what he needed to in order to get his life back on the right track.

The super ironic thing is that I didn't want him to die young from drinking himself to death. He died young anyway. Why does God give us someone to help through life and to try and help but take them away from us anyway just when they are starting to turn around and do what they need to?

 

[chell]

I don't know either (legally divorced, but in your heart widowed??), but you need a big . I can't imagine what you must be going through.

Thanks for the hug.

 

[Micca]

Chell that is tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss. As to your original question, I think you can answer however you wish(with the exception of legal/financial documents).

 

[chell]

Chell that is tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss. As to your original question, I think you can answer however you wish(with the exception of legal/financial documents).

Thanks. I just now remembered that you had met him also.

I think loosing him may have been easier on me if we had still been legally married.

 

[pfishgirl]

I'm married... I know I am a "rare" breed ...

 

[NMAmy]

Honey, I think that if someone asks, you just say whatever the heck you want. On legal documents, sure, you're divorced. But if someone asks the question, go ahead and tell them you're a widow if you want. You do what feels right for you and who cares what other people think or say.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm married... I know I am a "rare" breed ...

I think you kind of missed the point of the question. The poll pertains to the OP.

 

[chell]

I'm married... I know I am a "rare" breed ...

If I wasn't so determined to fix him and help him maybe I would still be married. Who knows? All I know right now is that I am in a terrible amount of pain and I feel like I have lost my world.

Guess some people will never understand why I divorced him. I really was trying to help him. It was the last thing left to do to make him wake up. It wasn't because I didn't love him. It was because I loved him so much. I wanted him to get better and I wanted him to be able to be a happy person again.

 

[chell]

Honey, I think that if someone asks, you just say whatever the heck you want. On legal documents, sure, you're divorced. But if someone asks the question, go ahead and tell them you're a widow if you want. You do what feels right for you and who cares what other people think or say.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thanks. Sorry to be getting so emotional around here. I'm just trying to keep my mind occupied and I'm not doing a good job at it.

 

[ducklite]

I think you answer with whatever feels right to you. By your posts, "My husband has passed on" sounds like it would be appropriate. Anyone who takes issue with that isn't anyone you want to be around anyhow.

Of course legally (taxes, banking, etc.) divorced is what you'll continue to use.



Anne

 

[DisneyPhD]

Chell, the only thing I can think to answer that is, at least he died happy. His life had been turned around, he was happy you guys were working things out. His last thoughts were happy ones of you.

I think it would of been easier to deal with this loss if you weren't divorced also. That doesn't mean that you didn't do the right thing by divorcing him in the 1st place. It sounds like it was what needed to be done at the time.

 

[ducklite]

youre legally divorced

Which means what in social circumstances?

It sounds like she truly cared for her husband, and was very unselfish, which is more than I can say for some other people.

Anne

 

[ntburns22]

I am very sorry for your loss. Just follow your heart and say whatever you feel.

 

[chell]

Chell, the only thing I can think to answer that is, at least he died happy. His life had been turned around, he was happy you guys were working things out. His last thoughts were happy ones of you.

I think it would of been easier to deal with this loss if you weren't divorced also. That doesn't mean that you didn't do the right thing by divorcing him in the 1st place. It sounds like it was what needed to be done at the time.

I am glad to know for certain that he was happy when he died. That doesn't make it any easier though. I really don't know how to get through this. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Tomorrow I am going to work on finding a good counselor.

I know I should not be second guessing myself right now but that is what I do anyway.

Thanks to all of you who have gone out of your way to support me and help me through this. I don't mean to whine or vent so much but it is much easier for me to type this stuff than to say it.

 

[zippeedee]

Honey, I think that if someone asks, you just say whatever the heck you want. On legal documents, sure, you're divorced. But if someone asks the question, go ahead and tell them you're a widow if you want. You do what feels right for you and who cares what other people think or say.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My thoughts exactly!