How do deal with ex-in-law enounter??

[shortbun]

Stay busy, manage a smile and a polite greeting. It's your son's big day and it could set a precedent with your future DIL.

 

[alexandria674]

I know where you are coming from OP, believe me.

However, it is your son's engagement party and probably not a good time for drama. Just grin and bear it, but I would avoid her BUT I would say something to her if she was talking bad about my kids or me. Just say the mantra "Its just one night Its just one night"

 

[Lionqueen2]

I totally understand how you must feel to have your ex-MIL turn up after so many years. Unfortunately, there are some things in life that we just have to swallow and this is one of them.
Like others have said, I would make myself look as good as I could for the day. Then I'd greet ex-MIL with a smile and welcome her and thank her for coming and tell her that you hope she enjoys her day. Say it as sweetly as you can. You need not say anything else to her the rest of the day, but remember to say good-bye and thank you for coming when she is ready to leave.
You just need to be gracious to her, not friendly. Treat her as you would any other stranger attending.

 

[dbenlee]

How should you handle this? With style and dignity! Remember, you are the better person. There is no reason to drop to her level. That is beneath you, as is she. It is not worth making a scene and marring you son and future daughter-in-laws special day. If being cordial to her in public is not possible, then just walk away and avoid any type of confrontation. Also, have faith in your son. If his feelings towards her are as you describe and he knows and understand how you feel about her, then surely he won't invite her. Above all, remember, style and dignity.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You will make a choice going into the day how you want to be. Pleasant or unpleasant. But remember, either way, your son and his fiance are watching, observing, learning from, and forming opinions - of you. You may see it one way, but I guarantee they will see it another. Obviously, your son already does. He wants to connect with these people. Let him have that; and further, be happy for him.

Do whatever you like, but IME, sometimes when you reconnect with people who've done you wrong, something healing can come out of it. It's up to you if you want to take the chance. Good luck.

 

[Keli]

I can only see one choice for you in this situation.
You have to do whatever it takes to help your son have a wonderful night celebrating his upcoming wedding to his beloved bride.
I would engage in absolutely NO drama with the Ex Mil. None. Wouldn't matter what happened, what was said, or who said it. I'd smile and play nice and figure this was my best acting job ever and for my favorite audience in the world, my son.
In reality I'd stay as far away from the Ex Mil as possibly and try to have zero interaction with her but should we come to face to face she would get a smile, a nod, and pleasant hello as I quickly made my escape to take care of that really important thing I need to do far, far from her.

 

[Rence]

You came and asked folks here how to deal with this potential encounter - the advice has been overwhelming that you need to do it with style and dignity - and yet you have not been receptive to this advice - you seem to have pre-determined how you will handle the situation.

How you react to her is going to speak volumes about you - not her. There will be lots of people there that do not know you well and know nothing of the situation, the history etc. If X-MIL approaches you and do the turn and walk away snub - it will reflect on you, not her. Those who observe will see you as rude and petty and will come to have sympathy for X-MIL.

You will be around a lot of folks who do not know you well and on whom you want to make a good impression. If X-MIL is able to goad you (intentionally or unintentionally) into behaving in a way that others may interpret as being rude or petty then X-MIL wins again. She is not worth it - focus on the future and your relationship with the new family and make your decision as to what will be best for your future relationships.

As a parent, you would rush into a burning building to save your children - I would think that you could fake a smile and 60 seconds of pleasantries if needed for the sake of your son. View it as one of those sacrifices that a parent must make for the greater good.

 

[daisax]

Frankly, it sounds to me like you're really angry about your son's decision to connect with this side of the family, listing all the reasons he should feel the same way you do. And yet he is inviting her and his cousin anyway. So it seems like you're piling your anger at him doing that on top of all your old anger towards her.

If you're not hosting the party, she's just another guest at somebody else's party and you owe her no particular attention. There's no reason you even necessarily have to even speak to one another, depending on the size of the crowd. You don't have to welcome her or say goodbye. If somebody brings her over to you you can say "Hi!" and leave it at that and let others carry on the conversation without taking anything up with her. It seems unlikely that she will want to engage you either, so chances are this won't be the showdown at the OK corral. If she's confrontational, that's when you put on your grownup pants and say "This is ___ and ___'s day. I don't think anybody wants to ruin it" and move away.

I don't think there's any need to carry over bitterness to the next generation -- whatever your son's cousin's delusions or misconceptions, it's not your business to correct them or hold her upbringing against her.

And when they have their first baby, if ex-MIL is invited to the baby shower, make sure you give the baby a beautiful Star of David necklace or a menorah or something

 

[Scurvy]

Yes...lots of negativity..sorry I don't like anti-semitic ignorant people. ANd no, I will not be nice to her, in any way shape or form. The most adult thing I will do will be to walk away if she is there and comes anywhere near me. I have nothing to say to her now or ever that can be said in polite company.

And just because she shares DNA with him does not make her a grandmother. Grandmother is a title that is earned.

It sounds like you've already made up your mind about how you intend to handle this encounter. In your OP you asked for advice on "taking the high road", but when most posters in the thread suggested doing just that, you say you have no intention of doing so. I realize that any advice I might give will probably not be an option you would consider, but I am going to share it anyway.

I can understand why you would be unhappy about the possiblity of encountering this woman. But the fact that you don't want anything to do with her doesn't matter - it's your son's day, and his preferences are what matter on that day. He has chosen to pursue a relationship with that side of his family. Ideally you could attend the party and just avoid having to interact with your former mother in law. However, there is no guarantee that she won't seek you out. The way I see it, you have three choices:

1. You can attend the party and try to avoid her. Failing in that, you can be cooly polite and extracate yourself as quickly as possible. This preserves harmony, makes you look good to everyone who observes the encounter, and will probably make your son happy.

2. You can attend the party and try to avoid her. Failing in that, you can either walk off without saying anything (which would be rude) or you can create a scene and argue/insult her. This will make you look terrible and make her look good to everyone else, would be rude to your host, and will make your son unhappy.

3. You can decline to attend the party. Don't make it about you vs. her - just say you are unable to attend. That way you will be certain that you won't have to interact with her. This will also make your son unhappy, but probably not as unhappy as #2 would.

Obviously option 1 is the best choice, but if you simply are unable to be civil if faced with your former mother-in-law then I think you should choose option 3. Option 2 is rude to all involved and would make you look very immature, and would likely embarrass your son and future daughter in law. Good luck, whatever you decide. I just hope that whatever you choose does not damage your relationship with your son and future daughter in law.

 

[JoiseyMom]

You came and asked folks here how to deal with this potential encounter - the advice has been overwhelming that you need to do it with style and dignity - and yet you have not been receptive to this advice - you seem to have pre-determined how you will handle the situation.

No..I disagree..I have been unreceptive to it's his "grandmother", she is related via DNA. And I have taken the advice..all of it no..I will not turn the other cheek..but I also will not tell her what I really want to tell her .

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I choose not to give people as much power over my life & emotions as you seem to have given this former MIL of yours, but hopefully however you decide you need to behave on that day won't have too many repercussions. My Dad always used to tell me "People who ar itching for a fight usually get one".

Best of luck!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Frankly, it sounds to me like you're really angry about your son's decision to connect with this side of the family, listing all the reasons he should feel the same way you do. And yet he is inviting her and his cousin anyway. So it seems like you're piling your anger at him doing that on top of all your old anger towards her.

If you're not hosting the party, she's just another guest at somebody else's party and you owe her no particular attention. There's no reason you even necessarily have to even speak to one another, depending on the size of the crowd. You don't have to welcome her or say goodbye. If somebody brings her over to you you can say "Hi!" and leave it at that and let others carry on the conversation without taking anything up with her. It seems unlikely that she will want to engage you either, so chances are this won't be the showdown at the OK corral. If she's confrontational, that's when you put on your grownup pants and say "This is ___ and ___'s day. I don't think anybody wants to ruin it" and move away.

I don't think there's any need to carry over bitterness to the next generation -- whatever your son's cousin's delusions or misconceptions, it's not your business to correct them or hold her upbringing against her.

And when they have their first baby, if ex-MIL is invited to the baby shower, make sure you give the baby a beautiful Star of David necklace or a menorah or something

I am upset with him talking to her..yes. Yes I am. Not his, biological 1/2 aunt (there isn't a cousin..well yes I guess his 1/2 aunts young kid. He wanted to invite the 1/2 AUnt..since she initiated the connection and was interested in him. Her mother would never have done so on her own. DS is only inviting ex-mil becuase he felt it would be rude not too, since he was inviting her DD.

I will not apologize for feeling the way I do. I won't, this person gave up her rights over 25 years ago. She doesn't deserve to enjoy my son and his life. I raised him without her or anyone in her family with the help of my mom and the love of my current in-laws.

I feel like you created this great work of art and all of a sudden this person that handed you a brush when you started says hey...look at what I helped create!!

Thankfully there will be no one who will bring her over to me!! LOL, the only people there she has ever me are my DS and FDIL. It's not like DS is going to bring her to me to say hi!! He values his manhood too much!! The only place I can see bumping into her will be when I am helping out in the kitchen..at that point I will excuse myself and go out to the back yard to the other guests.

And as much as I would love to give my future grand children a Star of David, my son and dil are atheists!!

I wil keep saying to myself...smile and walk away...and keep the margaritas coming!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind about how you intend to handle this encounter. In your OP you asked for advice on "taking the high road", but when most posters in the thread suggested doing just that, you say you have no intention of doing so. I realize that any advice I might give will probably not be an option you would consider, but I am going to share it anyway.

I can understand why you would be unhappy about the possiblity of encountering this woman. But the fact that you don't want anything to do with her doesn't matter - it's your son's day, and his preferences are what matter on that day. He has chosen to pursue a relationship with that side of his family. Ideally you could attend the party and just avoid having to interact with your former mother in law. However, there is no guarantee that she won't seek you out. The way I see it, you have three choices:

1. You can attend the party and try to avoid her. Failing in that, you can be cooly polite and extracate yourself as quickly as possible. This preserves harmony, makes you look good to everyone who observes the encounter, and will probably make your son happy.

2. You can attend the party and try to avoid her. Failing in that, you can either walk off without saying anything (which would be rude) or you can create a scene and argue/insult her. This will make you look terrible and make her look good to everyone else, would be rude to your host, and will make your son unhappy.

3. You can decline to attend the party. Don't make it about you vs. her - just say you are unable to attend. That way you will be certain that you won't have to interact with her. This will also make your son unhappy, but probably not as unhappy as #2 would.

Obviously option 1 is the best choice, but if you simply are unable to be civil if faced with your former mother-in-law then I think you should choose option 3. Option 2 is rude to all involved and would make you look very immature, and would likely embarrass your son and future daughter in law. Good luck, whatever you decide. I just hope that whatever you choose does not damage your relationship with your son and future daughter in law.

I know I will not be able to be civil to her. It is gonna take all my energy just to smile (grimace) and walk away. Which was why I posted...I need the reenforcement to smile and walk away. I have nothing to say to this women after 25 years..absolutely nothing.

And nothing I do will damage my relationship with my son and fdil. They know how I feel and know that I will do my best to walk away. He and she will not be upset if I ignore her and walk away.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, if nothing you do with regard to this former in-law, to whom you have given so much power over your life and emotions, will damage your relationship with your DS & future DIL, why are you posting?

Despite your request for "advice" on what to do, you have made the decision that you are not going to try and be the bigger person, they won't have a problem with it, so there's really no issue.

Enjoy the party!

 

[sbell111]

Sounds like you just need to act like a grown up and deal with it.

Agreed.

Put on your big girl pants and be pleasant. This isn't really that different than if you bumped into someone you didn't like anywhere. The only real difference is that it's at your son's wedding, so you should definitely be at your most gracious.

 

[Mom2Nick]

The day is not about you or how you feel about your son's relatives. It is about your son and his fiancee. If they are ok with his granemother being there then you need to just deal with it. Be a grown up, say hello if you cross paths and leave it at that.

 

[sbell111]

I know I will not be able to be civil to her. ...

And nothing I do will damage my relationship with my son and fdil. They know how I feel and know that I will do my best to walk away. He and she will not be upset if I ignore her and walk away.

Here's the thing that I'm surprised that you haven't considered:

That day doesn't belong to you. It's not about you at all. Heck, it's not even your son's day. That day belongs to his bride. If you choose to cause a scene on her day, you will not like what happens.

You seriously need to make a conscious decision to be an adult in this situation. You can't be rude just because she's the devil. You need to be above this type of petty behavior. If you do not, to your husband's bride, you will always be the person who made her wedding day less than perfect. This is her one day. Do not mess it up.

Before you come back with the fact that FDIL told you that whatever rudeness you think of is OK, consider this: She is not going to tell you that it isn't OK. She may hope and pray that you don't ruin her wedding, but she isn't going to tell you to behave because she wants to be able to have a future relationship with you and doesn't want you to treat her poorly, also.

You are no longer married to that woman's son. You have almost no contact with her. On those rare occasions that you must have contact with her, act like an adult.

 

[waltsgirl]

You need to act like an adult. If you ruin the day for your son and especially his future wife, YOU will be the MIL that no one speaks with for over 25 years.

It sounds to me like you have alot of unresolved feelings regarding your own mothers death and your divorce. I mean to be carry this much anger after all these years and to let it control your life like this... I suggest that you seek counseling.

 

[ginna74]

it sounds like this absent jerk of an ex MIL/ non existant(sp?) grandma will be there and you have every right to feel the way you do and for people to say you don't have a right to feel the way you do is <insert eye roll>. BUT I would act civil twords her even if she chooses to act like a jerk to you. I personally would walk away and not let my feelings get the best of me too, if that means walking away from a situation then so be it. I understand your post completely. This person was never a grandma to your son and it she is going to be "playing the part" and it isn't right at all! BUT, there is nothing more really you can do right now except deal with it and hope that you don't explode. I hope you don't. You can hold it together though!!! She may be evil but you aren't!! you were a great mom who will be a great mom on his special day and will keep it in and come home and hit yur pillow and amagin it is her

 

[JoiseyMom]

It sounds to me like you have alot of unresolved feelings regarding your own mothers death and your divorce. I mean to be carry this much anger after all these years and to let it control your life like this... I suggest that you seek counseling.

LOL...oh please. Have you ever lost a parent?? I have no unresolved feelings regarding my mom's death. I just miss her so much and wish she could rejoice in seeing the wonderful grown men my 2 older boys have become, and knowing that she had an important hand in that! I wish she was around to meet my future dil and to meet my baby boy who is her namesake! It's called love, and respect for a person I am never going to see again who died unexpectantly and gave me so much when my sons and I needed it.

My divorce was the best thing decision I made. He was a lying, cheating loser and I will never regret leaving him.

I don't like that this women feels she has the right to be a grandmother after ignoring my 2 wonderful sons for their entire lives. Where has she been since 1985?? Where was she when I needed help to get them school clothes, a roof over their heads, birthday parties, first day of school. Where were the phone calls to ask hey..how are they doing, how is school, how are they .....?? Where were the birthday cards, the letters or postcards to say hi...we love you. Where were the grandma I love yous?? Where was she for anything grandparents do to show love to their grandchildre?? She was exactly where she wanted to be, not being a grandmother. So now that she is in her 70s and not her 50's or 40's and is old enough to be a grandmother and now that her daughter has paved the way she can be there?? I am entitled to my dislike, hate, anger whatever emotion you want to give it. Until there was contact, I haven't given this women a seconds thought. Why does this mean I need counseling. I am in touch with my feelings and they are valid.

My kids had a loving and doting grandmother for the first 14/15 years of their lives and have had another loving grandmother who has no biological connection to them, but loves them as much as if they were!

I will be a grown up...I always have been, and I will take the high road. My high road is not pushing her in the pool and making a scene, but walking away with my head held high.