How did your "spirited" child turn out?

[Spoonful of Sugar]

Hi everyone,

My DD, who is almost 3, is definitely a "spirited" (or difficult) child. She's loving, quirky, and very intelligent, but... let's just say, constant tantrums, cranky to the max, wouldn't take her out in public if I could avoid it ... you get the idea. She's been like this since birth, so it's at least partly her innate personality, but I hate seeing everything be so hard for her, and of course it's not too pleasent for me to deal with either.

I'm just wondering if you have an older child who was like this, did they turn out okay? Any tips? How did you discipline them? To be honest, I've been on the fence about discipline styles, but I've discovered that being on the fence means I am very understanding... until I snap.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

Please tell me if anyone knows the secret! My 3 year old is exactly like that, and she will be 4 next month. Everyone tells me 4 is better than 3 - "if you did 3 right." Well I am trying to do it right but she is cheeky and defiant and knows exactly how far she can push me.

 

[Sandy321]

wish I knew -

my spirited 2 year old is now 14....

(and can I add when she went to the Catholic daycare, they had the Priest come down and "bless her with Holy Water We are still saying "YOU are not in charge, You are not the _________ (teacher, counselor, mother, father, etc etc)

She does have her moments, we hang on to those, often I am the "meanest mom in the world"

we try and stay consistent, and dont get into "debates"... be clear and concise, and dont get emotional (yes, easier said than done, Thank God for DH so we can tag team - )

 

[mamacatnv]

Firm and consistent always. If you stay consistent you won't snap as often and your DD will have a better understanding of how much she can get away with.

Also, as the parent of a very strong willed child who is a successful college student - pick your battles and pick them well. I did not want to spend my days in battle and I hate to lose. I had my lines; behavior, tantrums, mouthy & bedtimes. I looked a bit further the other way when it came to how clean his clothes were, what he ate and what his room looked like and in the middle school years what color his hair was.

 

[JessicaR]

I was a well behaved wonderful child and an extremely spirited teen. My sister was the epitome of a spirited toddler and a mellow teen/adult. Maybe there is something to that.

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

I am in the process of adopting a child like this who is 8. We have started the process of having evaluated for early on set bipolar. He has been like this since birth and has been passed around from foster home to foster home because no one could handle his violent tantrums. However, 90% of the time, he is the most loving child.

You may want to have your child evaluated for different things because the earlier you start a treatment plan, the better for the child.

 

[brookmey]

Firm and consistent always. If you stay consistent you won't snap as often and your DD will have a better understanding of how much she can get away with.

Also, as the parent of a very strong willed child who is a successful college student - pick your battles and pick them well. I did not want to spend my days in battle and I hate to lose. I had my lines; behavior, tantrums, mouthy & bedtimes. I looked a bit further the other way when it came to how clean his clothes were, what he ate and what his room looked like.

The bolded part is very important with a spirited child. You'll exhaust yourself if you don't let some things go. It'll also help your relationship with your DD because it won't seem like you're getting on her for every little thing. I read a book (can't remember the name) a few years ago about raising a spirited child and it suggested teaching the child to manage their characteristics, not stifle them.

It will get better. DD is 7 now and much better than she used to be. She has mellowed some. But we phrase things so she chooses between 2 desired behaviors, which has helped a lot because she feels like she has some control over what she's doing. It will get better!

 

[Nature Mom]

wish I knew -

my spirited 2 year old is now 14.... Mine is 11

(and can I add when she went to the Catholic daycare, they had the Priest come down and "bless her with Holy Water We are still saying "YOU are not in charge, You are not the _________ (teacher, counselor, mother, father, etc etc) Said THAT today!

She does have her moments, we hang on to those, often I am the "meanest mom in the world" Oh yeah, heard that....and a lot more....just an hour or so ago

we try and stay consistent, and dont get into "debates"... be clear and concise, and dont get emotional (yes, easier said than done, Thank God for DH so we can tag team - )Amen and amen again!

My spirited DD has a few disability issues, which make the spirited-ness even stronger. Today has been one of those days. But as PP stated, pick your battles and when it is time to stand up and fight, DO NOT BACK DOWN.

You really can't sit on the fence. Pick a side and stay there. Luckily DH and I have the whole 'good cop, bad cop' routine down pat for our 3.

Good luck.

 

[Magpie]

My very spirited little girl has magically turned into a laid-back, easy-going, mellow teen. I don't take any credit for it, I just enjoy it!

My very mellow baby boy, turned into an absolute monster of a toddler and an unpredictably explosive child. Finally diagnosing him as hypoglycemic, and correcting his diet, made a HUGE difference. Suddenly those cute baby pictures of him passed out asleep in the middle of his toys aren't so cute any more... But he's a great teen now, very responsible and reliable and thoughtful. He's got some mild anxiety issues, but that's something we can all work with. I think he's going to be an awesome man!

 

[DebIreland]

My 17yo is one of the nicest young men you could ever meet (do I sound slightly biased? lol). Seriously, people comment on his good manners all the time and his teachers rave about what a nice kid he is. He's the kind of teenager that his friends moms like to hug 'cause he's so sweet. Little do they know that between the ages of 2 and 4 he was a nightmare! He was like Damien from The Omen - crazy tantrums and unbelievable strong-willed behaviour. I think he got it out of his system young! My 14yo is moody, easily irritated and takes eye-rolling to whole new heights and yet, as a baby and a toddler, he was a dream - the quietest little guy ever. So you see? I guess they have to be 'trouble' at some point and it's nice to get it out of the way early. lol!

 

[StephMK]

Have hope!! DD11 was a complete terror until she was about 7. Seriously, I considered having her evaluated a few times and suspect she at the least had some mild sensory issues. Very much a homebody & strong willed!

She was a difficult baby & started having terrible 2 tantrums as soon as she turned ONE. She would throw herself down facefirst, kicking & screaming. When she was 3, she was still having tantrums & couldn't calm herself down. I told her one time, if we don't get these toys picked up, we can't go to your friend's house - her reply - well, I didn't want to go anyway.

She is 11 now & the sweetest child! It's so odd, I tell people about her toddler years and they do not believe me. She is chatty but has a little small voice, very polite, overly kind to all her classmates and does not at all resemble the personality she had before. I have no idea what happened. I have to say, I do miss her stubbornness at times. I liked her confident, strong will and now she is not as willing to stand up for her opinions.

 

[minkydog]

Hi everyone,

My DD, who is almost 3, is definitely a "spirited" (or difficult) child. She's loving, quirky, and very intelligent, but... let's just say, constant tantrums, cranky to the max, wouldn't take her out in public if I could avoid it ... you get the idea. She's been like this since birth, so it's at least partly her innate personality, but I hate seeing everything be so hard for her, and of course it's not too pleasent for me to deal with either.

I'm just wondering if you have an older child who was like this, did they turn out okay? Any tips? How did you discipline them? To be honest, I've been on the fence about discipline styles, but I've discovered that being on the fence means I am very understanding... until I snap.

You have to find her currency. And do it now; don't wait until she's a pre-teen. My oldest, DS25, was a piece of work. Always a high maintenence kid. Colicky, whiny, bossy. He definitely wanted to be in charge. I found that removing him from my presense to his room for a few minutes usually helped him calm down. His room held his bed and his dresser and some books , no toys or games and DEFINITELY no electronics. He was welcome to read his books, which usually settled him down. But if I could hear him screaming or kicking I just added time to his confnement. I'm not going to be pushed around by little kids. As DS got older we had to find newer currency. There was a time when he couldn't get enough of playing the piano, so one of his punishments was limiting his piano time. Another time, when he was a teen, he had done something particularly bad and he lost the privelege of living in his own room. He had to sleep on Christian's top bunk and was denied access to his own room(where all his electronics,etc, were.) Boy, did THAT get his attention! And of course, in his later teens his currency was driving the car. Bad grades or attitude could result in loss of the car for a loooong time.

and of course, we used the "broken record method" with him. When he got into that pattern of circular argument we would just respond with our answer. When he would whine about it, I reminded him that my ears can't understand his whiny voice. When he kept after me, trying to get a different answer, I would calmly repeat my answer. If he asked a third time I reminded him that the argument was done and if he asked again, he would be put in his room for X amt of time. That usually ended it.

The good news is that we all survived. We had a few years that were sketchy. But DS25 has turned out to be a nice guy, very funny and articulate. He reads voraciously, writes and produces music for guitar and piano. He has a lot of friends and good work ethic. We actually have a pretty good relationship now. As long as he doesn't live at home. When he lived at home, he reverted to his adolescence. A particularly unlovely period of his life.

 

[minkydog]

I am in the process of adopting a child like this who is 8. We have started the process of having evaluated for early on set bipolar. He has been like this since birth and has been passed around from foster home to foster home because no one could handle his violent tantrums. However, 90% of the time, he is the most loving child.

You may want to have your child evaluated for different things because the earlier you start a treatment plan, the better for the child.

That's interesting. DS25 has bipolar disorder and ADHD. Not to scare anybody. It's not likely the OPs child has something as serious as mental illness.

 

[indimom]

I think my oldest would probably qualify. The extended family nicknamed her "The Hellion" when she was about two. And she was even worse the year she started Kindergarten. Boy was that an awful year.

In her case overstimulation was a HUGE trigger. She just didn't know how to calm down once she was worked up. It was a real eye opener for me to realize that I couldn't "help" her with that. She would calm down much more quickly when we left her alone somewhere quiet and empty.

Over the years we also came to the realization that she does not sleep well and this plays a major part in her moods.

I've also discovered that when she is having a bad day (which at this age consists of smarting off, back talking, being argumentative) manual labour actually helps to calm her down. The first few times, I did it as a 'punishment' for her attitude. But before long I realized that I would send her off to clean her room or pull a few weeds and 20 minutes later she would come back to me like a new kid. Completely over whatever set her off. Sometimes even apologetic. Go figure. I think she just needs to burn off the energy/bad mood/frustration/whatever.

You will figure out the triggers and the cues and the tricks, but it does take some time. It never hurts to keep a bit of a diary. Sometimes you can miss the obvious in the heat of the moment. It took me quite a while to realize the overstimulation thing. I was constantly trying to talk her down or reason with her. Eventually, I just gave up and started sending her to her room...and she started calming down so much quicker. And once she was calm, we could talk about her behavior.

And like others have said, stand your ground on the issues that matter most. And don't let them know when they've pushed your buttons. They'll use it against you.

My daughter is 14. She can eye-roll with the best of them and I've certainly heard "I hate you" more than once, but she has outgrown the bulk of these issues/outburts. She just needed time to learn for herself how to handle her moods and emotions.

Hope this helps. Good Luck.

 

[YodaGirl]

Please tell me if anyone knows the secret! My 3 year old is exactly like that, and she will be 4 next month. Everyone tells me 4 is better than 3 - "if you did 3 right." Well I am trying to do it right but she is cheeky and defiant and knows exactly how far she can push me.

My DD was an angel at 3. At 4? Not so much.

She is a VERY strong-willed individual. Nothing bothers her. She reminds me of how my grandmother said that my uncle was growing up (and he'll admit it). He didn't care what the punishment was. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. If he got caught, so be it. She couldn't change the fact that he had already done what he had wanted to do.

At the same time, she can be the most caring, loving, and empathetic person I've met.

If she doesn't want to do something, there is NOTHING that will make her change her mind. We're consistent. We're very clear on the rules. If she gets a toy taken away? Fine. If she has to stand in the hall? Fine.

DH has even commented recently (and oh, my...he was something when he was younger!) that she doesn't seem to have a breaking point. Nothing gets to her. He said that even he would have had a point where he would've have said, "Okay. My bad.". She doesn't have that.

Honestly, just like my uncle didn't, neither did my brother. I think that they're all just very strong-willed. Eventually, it will be a good thing. At four, I'd like to pull my hair out.

 

[kellyg403]

My spirited child is now 23. She is still stubburn and she is still always right! She also one of the most living and giving people I know. Her childhood was rough and the teen years...well She is a mom herself know, and she is the one who always comes to me and says, mom, if I only knew then what I know now. She is a mom, a full time worker and going to school at night. Her dh is a Marine going to Drill Instructor school. She lives a totally different state, and the soonest I could get there is 5 hours. She is determined and independent. Sometime around 19 she started using her powers more for good than evil

The reality is, you must be consistent. If you say it, you must mean it. You have to pick the battles that are most important for her. Its tough and some days after an afternoon of tantrums or arguing, you wonder what the heck you can do differently. Be its worth it. Stand your ground and be careful when you give in. Once they learn negativity and being able to wear you down is a win, they take a long time to learn it doesn't work.

I am very happy I was given my daughter. She is the one I can always count on to call her grandmother on her birthday and a surprise visit with the babies. Once she learned to channel some of that energy to positive it got better!

Kelly

 

[Owl's Friend]

My spirited child is 11. Even her ped called her difficult (at 4 mo when she threw a huge freak out fit at his office). She's still difficult everyday.
Just yesterday she was messing around with eggs (that she knows she is allergic to). Had a reaction last night, and still doesn't get it. God help us.

 

[Michelle67]

My oldest is definitely one of those. Mine was usually very well behaved in public, and a demon at home. Truthfully, from 14 to 16 was the WORST and I wanted to kill her some days. But now she's almost 22, and while she is certainly still very passionate, she's also a pretty wonderful, compassionate, loving person. I always said that if she survived that long, her strength of will would be her greatest asset as an adult. It really is. She is certainly not the kind of person that is easily influenced or pushed into doing things she does not agree with, and her determination has served her well in many situations.

I really agree with picking your battles carefully, and avoiding power plays and contests of wills over things that really aren't that important. Draw the lines you must and stand by them, but be prepared to calmly sit out a storm without engaging. Just stand firm and do not debate or negotiate. It can be really hard not to engage, but if you do you are going to end up debating everything, all the time, and this is not okay. It becomes a constant cycle that you really don't want to get into. Some things can be negotiated/discussed as long as they are not demanding and getting their way by throwing their temper around. Other things just aren't negotiable, and we found it was best to refuse to argue or justify ourselves to her in those instances.

For punishment we generally took things/activities away. My husband was really good at "hitting" where it hurts; TV, electronics, etc usually "killed" her the most. Also, we would usually send her to her room when she was escalating and tell her she could come out when she was able to be reasonable/civilized/polite/whatever. That helped avoid situations that might otherwise have resulted in her being grounded until the 12th of never because she just. wouldn't. stop.

 

[fall08CP]

My eldest brother was a wild child. He absolutely drove my parents up the wall. By high school he quieted down, and now he's very calm and a hard worker. He's quite irresponsible with money, but other than that he's a productive member of society and no longer out of control.

 

[Pigeon]

I like the term strong-willed better than spirited, but I'm not much on euphemisms.

Get your hands on a copy of the books 1-2-3 Magic. It will keep you from pulling out all your hair.

My "spirited" kid is now 14. Being really firm and follow through are what has kept us from killing each other.