How did you plan your children? Were you scared?

[DMickey28]

I haven't been around for a long time. We have been busy moving and getting out of our debt. Finally we are on the road to our future... which leads us to talking about starting a family. Relatively speaking DH and I are young, 30 and 28 respectively. However we would prefer to be "younger" parents b/c we don't want to have our third child moving out of the house when my DH is 60!

So we are thinking of starting to plan that. However I am very scared. I go all over the place with my emotions. Monday I would have told you I was certain this was the time and made my plans with my doctor for a pre-pregnancy visit. I am in the second week of my BC cycle, so planning when to stop that. Now today, I am more nervous. What if I got PG next month, even though they say it takes a few month to become regular again? What if I am due in the Fall? For some reason that scares me, somehow thinking about a baby being due after next Christmas seems so much "safer". Financially we are ready regardless, it's just my silly control factor!! Emotionally we would be ready regardless too.

So basically I am looking for your realife stories... I have posted on ivillage but those boards are so much slower!!!

Thanks... it's good to be back around!

 

[kc73]

First, welcome back!

It's an exciting time for you right now..honestly, I don't think you ever feel totally "ready" to have children. It really is scary, was for me & my DH.

We were married 4 years, got to travel & spend alone time (we married young, I was 20, he was 24). We talked about it for several months, & then decided to plunge in, deciding that we would be nervous no matter how long we waited. We found out 6 months after trying w/our 1st that we were pregnant & we were still scared but extremely excited.

Kids change your life in so many ways, mostly for the better. You really find out what true love is when your baby is born. We have 2 boys now, ages 7 & 3. They are the best thing that's happened to us since our wedding!

Good luck with your big decision!

 

[NMAmy]

Well, dd was a surprise so I didn't really plan to have her. I was 27 when she was born and her dad and I had been married for 5 years so it wasn't a total freakout but still.

You know, it's just a scarey thing, whether you plan or not. You just have to take a deep breath and go for it but once you have a kid, you just can't imagine life without him or her in it.

Good luck and best wishes!

 

[Cindy's Mom]

DD5 was born in October IMO the good part about the fall baby is that you really can't do much with the baby anyway, so we kinda just stayed in all winter then when Spring came she was able to be out and about a bit.

DS was born and the end of March and it was totally the opposite with him, our family LOVES to be outdoors once the weather breaks and with our son we really couldn't because he was even too young for sun screen.

The only drawback about being pregnant for a Fall baby is that you are REALLY pregnant during the August and September, not a big deal for me, but for some it is.

 

[Christine]

I know how you feel. I knew I wanted kids but I just couldn't make myself stop taking the birth control pills. I could not make that committment to get pregnant. So I just didn't. I was 27 at the time. Then, believe it or not, while on birth control, I got pregnant. Now I will tell you that most forms (if not ALL) of BC pills disagree with me. I had been in Micronor (the mini-pill) for 2 years with no problems. The doctor NEVER TOLD ME that I had to take it at the exact same time every day down to the hour. So of course, on the weekdays I was taking it at 6:00 a.m. and not taking it until 9:00 a.m. on the weekends. It's a miracle I went 2 years. So, I had my DD. Then I went back on the mini-pill (it still hadn't occurred to me that it was nothing more than a fluke and nothing else agreed with me). I made it another 2.5 years and got pregnant again. At this time, I was moving and I got a new OB/GYN. He was like "what are you crazy?? Those pills have a terrible failure rate."

So, there you have it. That's how I "decided" to have children. If the pill hadn't failed, I'd probably still be trying to decide at age 41!

 

[LindaR]

Sometimes it's beyond YOUR control.....

I was 27 when I had dd16. Let's see......I had never been around kids, never babysat and basically had no idea of what pregnancy was like or how to care for a baby. I was in the Air Force at the time. We had been "trying" for several months and nothing was happening. My unit was having a huge inspection followed by a major exercise and I basically came home to eat (he had food waiting for me), sleep, shower and leave everyday for 3 weeks. I honestly don't remember, ummmm trying to "create" a baby during that time (maybe I was asleep???!!), but that's when our daughter was conceived. When I was NOT trying, it happened!

I got all kinds of books to educate myself.

The fear does not go away after the baby is born! You worry about being a good parent, taking good care of your child, raising your child, how your child will turn out.........getting into a good college. Honestly, it never ends. And I would not change any of it.

I became a single parent when dd was 1.5 years old and whether you do it by yourself or have a partner, the joy and fear are there.

 

[Sandy V.]

I've always heard that if you wait until you're completely ready to have kids, chances are you never will. I don't think that you ever completely feel like you're ready - but if you're asking those question about having some doubt, to me, you're probably going to be a pretty darned good parent!! The most dangerous people in the world are the ones who think they know it all.

I'm like many here; our first was an "oops". We were married over 4 years, but we had always talked about starting a family "next year". I can remember being told the blood test results over the phone (this was before the home pregnancy tests) and hearing them say, "You're pregnant". I was 27, and I remember the blood draining from my face as I thought, "My gosh, this means I have to grow up!" I walked to my husband's office a few blocks away to give him the news. And then I watched the blood drain from HIS face!

18 years and 2 kids later (DD18 and DS15), I couldn't imagine life without my red-headed babies, who now tower over me. My oldest was just accepted at Georgetown University this week, so we'll soon be starting a whole new adventure!

Best wishes - I'm sure that you and your husband will make great parents. And it's so much fun trying to become a parent!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Each of our 4 kids were very planned. Planned doesn't mean that I wasn't scared to death! I wondered if we could afford them, how it would change our relationship, etc. After having one I worried that I couldn't love a second like I loved my first. After having 2 I wondered how I could handle 3. After having 3...well, I don't remembering worrying then. Partly because we were hopelessly outnumbered and also because we had to work harder to have him (had a few m/c's) so I had a hard time believing that I would even make it to term with him. There is never a perfect time, prefect number, etc, etc. Everything is a give and take with negatives and positives to each decision. It's true if you wait until the perfect time you'll never have children. I was 27yo when my first was born, almost 30 for my second, almost 33 for my third and 39 for my last. Each unique experiences.

Good luck in your decision. It sounds like you have some normal jitters.

 

[disykat]

We tried to "plan" a spring or summer baby because I was teaching. It didn't work because it took a while and I ended up with a November baby. It sounds like you definately want kids, it's more of a timing issue. If you want children and you feel ready, then just take the plunge! You can always go off BCP and use other methods if you chicken out.

It almost seems to me it's an ideal situation to be "almost ready". That way if you don't get pregnant right away you won't have to deal with disappointment. Then again, you may find you are more disappointed than relieved.

 

[mickeyboat]

As noted above, don't think there will ever be a point where you are not scared or totally ready / prepared. I don't think that time will ever come. I also don't believe in "planning." I know there are people who say "I want a Spring baby" and plan for conception at a certain time to make that happen. There is not that luxury for many of us. And I know 28 seems young to you, and it is, but 28 is getting towards the older side in terms of fertility.

With DH and I we had been married for three years and I decided to go off the pill. With infertility, a miscarriage and an ectopic PG, Hannah was born 4 years later. Since it took us so long the first time, we weren't all that careful with BC, and Emily was born less than a year later.

If you are not doing so already, start taking a multivitamin with Folic acid today. Folic acis has been shown to prevent some birth defects.

Good luck to you!

Denae

 

[Beth76]

If you think you're ready then you're about as ready as you'll ever be. No matter how much you think you're ready, there's always going to be some doubt and concern. I honestly wouldn't wait without a really good reason. You never know how long it's going to take.

My first was an accident, so that made it easy for us. We weren't ready, but we dealt with it. My second was a bit more difficult. We weren't sure when or if we wanted another one. I finally just decided, you know we need a sibling for our son. So, we just did it. And couldn't be happier.

Unless you're really in a bad place (financially or emotionally), you'll be ready to have a baby. I've never heard anyone regret that they had a baby. So long as they have the means to care for it.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[kldmom2000]

DH and I were HS sweethearts that married at 21(me) and 23(DH). We didn't rush into kids right away-I'd always hoped to be able to stay home with our kids when the time came, so we waited until we were able to live on one income w/o struggling. DH became self-employed about 7 yrs ago so we needed MY health insurance through my employer. We knew we'd have to pick up the health insurance cost once I had a baby. I went off the pill at 26 (August 1999) and we went to Disney Dec. 1999..... lo and behold, a Disney baby was on the way..... I had complications during my pregnancy (pre-eclampsia) and was put on bedrest for the last 7.5 weeks until DD was born 3 weeks early on July 29, 2000. My insurance covered us for the 12 weeks from when I was considered "disabled" but then we had to pick up the insurance on our own. We bought our house Dec. 2000 (New house, new baby...) When DD was just over a year old, we started trying again and I assumed it would take just the first month as it did the first time-wrong!LOL! It took 7 months to get pregnant again... our DD's are 26 months apart and I couldn't be happier!

 

[Cindy's Mom]

With DH and I we had been married for three years and I decided to go off the pill. With infertility, a miscarriage and an ectopic PG, Hannah was born 4 years later. Since it took us so long the first time, we weren't all that careful with BC, and Emily was born less than a year later.

Denae

OMG, we have the same exact story, too weird. Our joke between DH and me is that our daughter was over 100k to conceive and our son was a $12 martini.

 

[Piglet]

You will have days like that before, during and after pregnancy. I have a 9yo DD and another girl due in April and I still have days where I wonder what the heck am I doing. But just looking at DD, how much she is growing and changing in to a young lady makes me realize why we are going through this again!!!! It is worth every minute!!!!!

Melinda

 

[justhat]

What I say to my friends who askt he same question is "Don't plan your kids. Go with the surprise plan. Much more effective in making you cross that bridge, get over your fears, and get ready for your addition." Okay, I wouldn't suggest that to just anyone, just people who are seriously considering having a child soon anyway.

Our daughter was not planned, but we had been planning when to have her and looking at it now I bet we would have chickened out. We were engaged at the time I got pregnant and had been planning to try for a baby the month before and month of our wedding, so that was 11-12 months after we conceived. So clearly we weren't really 'ready', we were both in graduate school and pretty young (I turned 23 the month I conceived), plus hte baby was due 3 months before the wedding. Well, we adjusted pretty quickly (though I will admit that I had a bout a day or 2 of total panic and terror) and things worked out just fine. After she was born we got to the months we had planned to ttc and I thought "I bet if things had worked out differently we would have panicked at the thought and not tried this month." It's a huge step to take and there's no going back so I think that makes it scary for anyone at any time, no matter how sure you are that you're ready to have a baby.

Now, for the next one, we were planning for a baby anywhere between 12/06 and 7/07, so we've still got a few months to worry about that one, but right now I feel really ready to have #2. But then I get feelings of "how will I be a mommy to 2 kids?" and I panic a little again. Of course, we may have had another 'oops' moment and will have #2 a littler sooner than planned like the 1st one, but I still have another week to worry about that so I won't be too panicked yet!

 

[mickeyboat]

OMG, we have the same exact story, too weird. Our joke between DH and me is that our daughter was over 100k to conceive and our son was a $12 martini.

That is too funny. I swear I was not awake when Emily was conceived. You can bet I take my BC as prescribed, now!

Denae

 

[JVL1018]

DH and I got married young-I was 21, he was 25.
I was mature enough to know that I wasn't mature enough to have kids. LOL
Finally around the time I was 26 I decided I was ready-the going out all the time no longer appealed to me, i was ready to have a change in lifestyle.
It took almost a year to get pregant, then I had a miscarriage and then I got pregnant with DD..after all that mess I knew that I was ready and that as long as I had a healthy baby we would deal with anything else. It made me realize what was important.
I had her when I was 28..and someone asked does it feel weird to be a mother..and I said what's weird is how NOT weird it is. It's so comfortable and right.

 

[pattyT]

crap we were suppose to plan it


the first one is the scariest -
I remember saying to my mom -
I can handle a baby but i am not ready to be a mom of a teenager!
and she reminded me that I will grow too - and it will be ok.

Babies are a wonderful way to start people

 

[nick262]

My DH and I planned when we were going to have our daughter. I felt just like you the whole nine month we were trying and the whole "9" months that I was preggers. Heck, she is 28 months old now and I still feel scared one day and confident the next. Once you become a parent, I guess those feelings just become a "normal" part of your life. Good luck on what ever you decide to do. Lots of pixie dust to you and your DH.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

It almost seems to me it's an ideal situation to be "almost ready". That way if you don't get pregnant right away you won't have to deal with disappointment. Then again, you may find you are more disappointed than relieved.

Boy, do you ever speak the truth! DH and I have been TTC for about 4 cycles now...nothing. I STILL go through the "Am I really ready for this?" jitters (uh, I am 32!) but my reasons seem pretty stupid to me...I don't know if I am ready to have my body change so drastically and never be the same again. A little selfish, maybe? However, with every negative test, there is disappointment. Even when the negative test should have been a relief (we planned a vacation on a whim and I don't want to be pregnant through it) there was disappointment. It's pretty odd.

To the OP, if you are financially ready and really want kids, now is as good a time as any to start! Besides, for all the fear I had about it happening immediately, it has not...and I have the most regular cycle ever and I know when ovulation is taking place and all that. Chances are you'll have some more time to get used to the idea.