How can I support my boyfriend?

[singingpixie]

Some background:
I'm straight, and my boyfriend is bi. We're in our early-mid 20s. Most of his longer-term relationships have been with girls, and he's ended relationships with girls on more than one occasion because he felt like he should pursue a meaningful relationship with a man (often that would be one of many reasons, but still a strong one). After several months (and several short-term relationships and dates with guys), he'd meet another girl and things would click, and then he'd end up in another longer relationship. I've known this since we first met, but it really doesn't bother me. I've never been this happy with anyone before, and I want to let it run its course. If he decides he'd be happier with a guy, then I want him to be as happy as he can be. But for now, I'm ecstatic that he's with me!

A couple days ago, he told me he loved me, but I could tell it was hard for him to come to that conclusion. We talked about how he still felt like he should have a meaningful relationship with a man before he settles down with whomever he ends up with (whatever gender/sex that person ends up being). I told him that just because he was in love with me does not mean I expect or want him to somehow stop being attracted to, or wanting to someday be in a relationship with, men. He seemed really relieved to hear me say that, but I think it is still kind of scary for him to find himself in love with a woman when he still has all of those "what if"s. It's almost like he's happy now but is worried that I'll somehow expect a lifelong committment. If that happens eventually, great, but I'm certainly not expecting him to want that or feel ready for that anytime soon.

I guess I just wonder if anyone has any thoughts or advice for how I can express to him that I love him for who he is- all of it- and that above all I want to do everything in my power for him to be happy. If that's being in a romantic relationship with him, wonderful. If that turns out to be being a really good friend while he ends up with a man, I'm prepared for that too.

I think that part of what's bothering him is that he's constantly worried about what our relationship means for his identity. I'm the first straight (as opposed to bi) girl he's dated in years. I think he feels on some level that that makes him less of a part of the GLBTQ community. In general, he likes everything in life to fit neatly into categories and boxes. Following that mode, he tends to view parts of his sexuality as opposing, instead of all being part of a coherent whole that includes many facets. I'm sure this makes him feel horribly conflicted.

There's also the factor of his parents. He's out to them and they're moderately accepting, but his mom I think keeps hoping that it's a phase, and his dad has expressed concerns about his safety and chances for a long-term committed relationship if he ends up with a man. He wants them to head up PFLAG meetings, and they're still coming to terms (after several years) with what this means for his life. I certainly understand where he's coming from and I wish they were more proactive in their acceptance, but I also understand that they have to do things at their own pace. Just like they cannot dictate how he deals with things in his life, he really can't dictate how they deal with this. I think that he worries that our relationship might make them hold out hope that he'll end up with a woman, instead of accepting him as who he is and wanting him to be happy with whomever he ends up with. (I think they do just want him to be happy, but are struggling with some preconcieved notions about relationships between men that are unfounded but deeply ingrained).

I know this is very long and rambling, but am hoping some of you might have some insight. There isn't a magic thing I can say to help him be ok with himself and his life and how other people (from his parents, to his GLBTQ friends, to his straight friends) percieve him, but I wondered if there was anything else I could say/do besides holding him and showing him that I love him unconditionally. Thanks!

 

[smartestnumber5]

(Sorry, this turned out really long! )

Hmm, it sounds like a lot of issues surrounding bisexuality that I have heard before and experienced personally. A friend of mine who is partnered with a woman came out to her parents as bisexual, and I think just like your boyfriend's parents it gave them hope that she'd eventually end up with the a guy. My family, on the other hand, seems to have just put me in the "lesbian" category since I've been with GF even though I came out as bisexual to them and have never indicated any change to that .

I think it's very common for bisexual people to feel that their identities are mostly invisible because people tend to read others' sexual orientation off of who one is partnered with--probably what my family is doing. In my department in graduate school I have been bringing GF to events and it kind of bothers me that everyone around probably thinks that I am a lesbian because I am with a woman.

There is also still the very common thought that there is no such thing as bisexuality or that bisexuals are just confused. When I first came out as bisexual in college I wasn't dating/hooking up with/interested in anyone, male or female. I had a couple lesbian friends at that time who eventually told me that they thought I was really a lesbian, not bisexual (even though I'd been with men before and hadn't at that point ever been with a woman)--they just got a lesbian vibe from me. I just laughed that off at first, but a little while later I did hook up with a guy and upon hearing about it one of them just freaked out. She had really convinced herself that I wasn't "really" bisexual. Events and comments like that really made me feel like I had to constantly be "proving" my sexual identity. It also made me feel like I had to totally interrogate myself about any sexual attraction or sexual encounter or romantic interest I might have to see if there really was some way that I felt differently about men and women.

(Of course, I think it definitely is true that many people who eventually identify as gay or lesbian begin the coming out process by identifying as bisexual. For some I think this may be a somewhat conscious self-defense mechanism. For others I think it's really quite unconscious. GF reports that she first identified as bi and then slowly realized she really wasn't interested in men, but was more interested in being able to think of herself as still somewhat straight. I think that's quite different than how many bi see themselves. Many bi activists--especially academics--tend to see bisexuality as being particularly radical and much more of a challenge to heteronormativity and traditional ideas about gender than homosexuality or lesbianism is. And I think bisexuality can be a challenge for the glbt community at large because of the usual terms of the debate in political and social struggles for marriage and social recognition. The debate is often cast in terms of "Look we were born this way. I just can't make myself be with someone of the opposite sex--it would be a lie." Bisexuals who are in same-sex relationships obviously can't make that case.)

I think these issues are definitely magnified when a bisexual person is in an opposite sex relationship. In that case it isn't only that their bisexuality is invisible, but as you say, that their "gayness" or "queerness"--what makes them different than straight people--is invisible. Does your BF have any bisexual friends? When I came to graduate school I moved in with a bisexual roommate (who actually did research on bisexuality! ) and we made another close friend who was bi. It was really great to have that and to be able to talk to other people who felt the same kinds of pressures as we did. You said your BF encourages his parents to go to PFLAG meetings--does he go to any kind of support group? I think that might be especially important if he doesn't have a network of bi friends around.

As for what you can do--it really sounds like you are doing all the right things already! I think it's important that you (as in, you and BF as a couple) can be very open and talk honestly about these kinds of issues (which it sounds like you can). And I think it's important that you make clear your acceptance and affirmation of BF's identity (which it sounds like you already do). For instance, GF never forgets that I am attracted to men. We're very open about our past sexual/relationship history. She has asked me questions about what it is like to be with a man. We also talk to each other about fantasies and mine have men in them. She knows that if I were not in a monogamous relationship with her, I would be pursuing relationships/dating/sex with both men and women (not necessarily at the same time....though I wouldn't rule it out ). So I personally don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything because I'm with a woman but I'm attracted to men--no more than I'm missing something because I'm with one particular woman and there are millions more out there that I'm not with.

Every once in awhile though, when I'm feeling kind of negative about problems in our relationship or something, I do start to wonder about being with a man. I think that I use it as a kind of defense mechanism. Like, "Oh, you know, being in a long term relationship can be hard sometimes. But wait, maybe it's not just the normal hardness. Maybe this is about me being bisexual--or maybe I'm not bisexual. Maybe I really like men and somehow I just managed to have a 3 year relationship with a woman ." Of course I snap out of that in like 5 seconds--yeah, I'm not interested in women at all, just totally in love with one, planning to marry her and have babies with her, and physically intimate with her. I wonder your BF could be having worries in a similar defense mechanism type way. It seems like he has a pattern in which he gets into something serious with a woman, and then breaks it off and one of the big reasons is wanting to pursue a relationship with guys--yet the serious relationship with guys doesn't happen. It does seem like it's got to be more than a coincidence if it's only after it gets serious with a woman that he feels this strong pull (strong enough to end a relationship) to be with a guy.

I'm not a therapist (though I've played one for GF on many occasions!), but I would say that I'm not sure you can do much. But it seems like there might be some personal identity/sexuality/relationship stuff that he needs to do for himself. Does he feel that it was a good decision to end the relationships with the women in the past? Or does he have any sense that he sabotaged what was really a pretty good thing? Does he have a take on why a long term relationship with a guy never panned out?

I would say you should keep doing what your doing--being accepting and supportive. I would add that in your post you say a few times that if it turns out he'd rather be with a man then that's okay, you want what's best for him. I'm wondering if you mean this just in the sense that anyone in any relationship might be realistic about the possibility that it won't work out. For instance, do you also think, "Well it might be that he'll be happier with some other girl, and that's okay." I'm kind of curious about this. I'm wondering if the attitude that it would be different if he broke up with you because he felt needed to pursue a relationship with a man could somehow be detrimental to your relationship in the long run. It seems like if you always have in the back of your mind that he might decide that he has to pursue a relationship with a man, then it would be hard to be fully committed to the relationship. And at the same time if BF really is having commitment issues more so than sexual identity issues, then that attitude would be enabling him to keep up the same pattern. When things get a little tough in your relationship he can get out of it without looking like the bad guy--he just has to say, "You know, I think I really need to pursue a relationship with men" and then you being a nice person and understanding of the complexity of sexuality won't be mad at him they way you might if he broke up because of commitment issues, or to play the field amongst women or something.

I just asked GF what her reaction would be if I broke up with her because I felt that I needed to pursue a relationship with a man. She said that it would be one thing if what I meant was that my sexual identity had changed or that I had been wrong about being bisexual. If that wasn't the case though, she says she'd see it as no different than if I said, "Honey I need to break up with you to pursue a relationship with a blonde"--i.e. she'd be amazingly ticked.

Now of course it may be that your BF is having genuine identity issues and not any kind of commitment issue. Maybe he is further on the gay side of the Kinsey scale than he thinks--but then it's kind of puzzling how/why he continues to have long-term relationships with women . Sexuality is confusing. I'd say whatever is going on--sexuality issues, relationship issues, parent issues, commitment issues--that a therapist would be a good idea. I've been to a few therapy sessions to talk about sexuality stuff and family stuff and it really did help to talk to an outside objective person, even for just a few sessions.

Anyway I hope something here was helpful. Good luck!

 

[singingpixie]

(Sorry, this turned out really long! )

I think it's very common for bisexual people to feel that their identities are mostly invisible because people tend to read others' sexual orientation off of who one is partnered with--probably what my family is doing. In my department in graduate school I have been bringing GF to events and it kind of bothers me that everyone around probably thinks that I am a lesbian because I am with a woman.

Yeah, I think that he goes through the same thing- worries that people assume he's straight because he's with me. I had never really thought about that before he mentioned it to me.

I think these issues are definitely magnified when a bisexual person is in an opposite sex relationship. In that case it isn't only that their bisexuality is invisible, but as you say, that their "gayness" or "queerness"--what makes them different than straight people--is invisible. Does your BF have any bisexual friends? When I came to graduate school I moved in with a bisexual roommate (who actually did research on bisexuality! ) and we made another close friend who was bi. It was really great to have that and to be able to talk to other people who felt the same kinds of pressures as we did.

He has a couple, but the vast majority of them are girls (and mostly exes). Also, I believe he's the only one of his bi friends who's currently in an opposite-sex relationship.

You said your BF encourages his parents to go to PFLAG meetings--does he go to any kind of support group? I think that might be especially important if he doesn't have a network of bi friends around.

He's not involved in a support group per se, but he is heavily involved in the Pride Alliance and a couple of activist groups at the university we both graduated from

Every once in awhile though, when I'm feeling kind of negative about problems in our relationship or something, I do start to wonder about being with a man. I think that I use it as a kind of defense mechanism. Like, "Oh, you know, being in a long term relationship can be hard sometimes. But wait, maybe it's not just the normal hardness. Maybe this is about me being bisexual--or maybe I'm not bisexual. Maybe I really like men and somehow I just managed to have a 3 year relationship with a woman ." Of course I snap out of that in like 5 seconds--yeah, I'm not interested in women at all, just totally in love with one, planning to marry her and have babies with her, and physically intimate with her. I wonder your BF could be having worries in a similar defense mechanism type way. It seems like he has a pattern in which he gets into something serious with a woman, and then breaks it off and one of the big reasons is wanting to pursue a relationship with guys--yet the serious relationstrong pull (strong enough to end a relationship) to be with a guy. ship with guys doesn't happen. It does seem like it's got to be more than a coincidence if it's only after it gets serious with a woman that he feels this

Yeah, it wasn't until we were talking about it that he realized that the relationships he was in had other problems, and it wasn't just that he wanted to be with a guy.

I'm not a therapist (though I've played one for GF on many occasions!), but I would say that I'm not sure you can do much. But it seems like there might be some personal identity/sexuality/relationship stuff that he needs to do for himself. Does he feel that it was a good decision to end the relationships with the women in the past? Or does he have any sense that he sabotaged what was really a pretty good thing? Does he have a take on why a long term relationship with a guy never panned out?

It's a combination of not meeting a guy that he clicked with in a "serious relationship" kind of way, and just feeling safer with girls. He feels like he's always on his guard when he's with a guy, while it comes much easier for him to trust girls.

I would say you should keep doing what your doing--being accepting and supportive. I would add that in your post you say a few times that if it turns out he'd rather be with a man then that's okay, you want what's best for him. I'm wondering if you mean this just in the sense that anyone in any relationship might be realistic about the possibility that it won't work out.
For instance, do you also think, "Well it might be that he'll be happier with some other girl, and that's okay." I'm kind of curious about this. I'm wondering if the attitude that it would be different if he broke up with you because he felt needed to pursue a relationship with a man could somehow be detrimental to your relationship in the long run. It seems like if you always have in the back of your mind that he might decide that he has to pursue a relationship with a man, then it would be hard to be fully committed to the relationship. And at the same time if BF really is having commitment issues more so than sexual identity issues, then that attitude would be enabling him to keep up the same pattern. When things get a little tough in your relationship he can get out of it without looking like the bad guy--he just has to say, "You know, I think I really need to pursue a relationship with men" and then you being a nice person and understanding of the complexity of sexuality won't be mad at him they way you might if he broke up because of commitment issues, or to play the field amongst women or something.

It's definitely just in a "being realistic about expectations" way- we've only been together for three months, and I don't want him to think that by taking a step to get a little more serious, I'm suddenly expecting a lifetime commitment. I'd be thrilled if it went that way, but I'm in no rush to get there just that. I think that by saying that I'd be ok if he decided he needed to be with a man, I'm just having a hard time articulating that I'm accepting all of his identity. I think he worries that, as a straight person, I may not quite understand the complications of being bisexual- and in a lot of ways, he's right, because I've never lived it. Because he's worried about the pattern he has of breaking up with girls and looking for a relationship with guys, he told me about it early on and asked if it bothered me. I told him that it doesn't bother me any more than the possibility of him breaking up with me for another girl, etc. I'd be upset at the idea of losing him (at least romantically), but not about who else he might end up with.

Now of course it may be that your BF is having genuine identity issues and not any kind of commitment issue. Maybe he is further on the gay side of the Kinsey scale than he thinks--but then it's kind of puzzling how/why he continues to have long-term relationships with women . Sexuality is confusing. I'd say whatever is going on--sexuality issues, relationship issues, parent issues, commitment issues--that a therapist would be a good idea. I've been to a few therapy sessions to talk about sexuality stuff and family stuff and it really did help to talk to an outside objective person, even for just a few sessions.

He's seen therapists in the past, and currently he's meeting regularly with a friend who's a pastor- not a therapist per se, but he's going through training to become a therapist in addition to his ministry.

Anyway I hope something here was helpful. Good luck!

Thanks so much!

 

[hematite153]

Looks like you already got a bunch of good advice. (It doesn't matter if it's long, if it's all useful! )

The only thing that I can think to add is...

I agree that there is likely little that you can do directly. However, you can consider how you feel about poly relationships.

Some people (bi, gay and straight) find that monogamy is difficult and feels unnatural to them. Perhaps there is something like this at the core of his struggle.

There are many poly models out there and you could think about what might work for you. (One thing about experimenting with poly relationships that some people miss is that it's okay to try out the idea--or even just talk about it--and then decide that it doesn't work for you.)

I haven't read it, but many of my friends have told me that the book "The Ethical Slut" helped them explore their monogamy/bisexuality/etc.

Btw, I do understand the struggle that both your BF and smartestnumber5 have described. I don't like the fact that people think that I'm a lesbian just because I married a woman and have committed to a lifetime monogamous relationship.

I wish you both luck!

 

[singingpixie]

Well.... looks like the issue of him never having been in a serious relationship with a guy was too much. He broke up with me on Thursday. He just doesn't think he can go through life with this big thing looming over him without exploring it, and he didn't think it was fair to keep dating me while knowing that some day he would have to do this. Somehow, knowing it was probably coming doesn't really help like I thought it would. Gah, dating sucks. Especially the "falling in love with someone who isn't in a place to love you back the same way" part.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Hugs for you, Singing Pixie. So sorry about the breakup.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

 

[singingpixie]

Hugs for you, Singing Pixie. So sorry about the breakup.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

Thanks! We had brunch this morning and I'm feeling a little better... still really sad about the relationship, but reassured that him saying he wanted to stay friends wasn't just lip service. Once he figures this issue out specifically and his committment issues out in general, he'll be in a better place for a relationship- whether it's with me, or a guy, or a different girl. I do know that logically... it still does hurt though.

 

[hematite153]

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

I'm impressed by the wisdom evident in your choices of words. Good luck with your own grieving process and remember that you have friends here if needed.