Horrible situation-Sad question for adoptive parents??

[aahmom1]

There was another case that we heard of where the president of a large, well-known company in NYC hosted a boy the next summer. The boy would live in Manhattan during the week and go to CT on the weekends. He was NOT a city boy and longed for the country. The family made the decision to allow him to find another family. He was placed on a large farm with horses, etc., and is now adopted and having the time of his life.

We are talking about a child, right????? It wasn't working out so they sent him to live with another family on a farm? That has to be the STUPIDEST thing I've heard in a really long time, unreal. I certainly hope they didn't go and adopt another toy for them to get rid of, unbelievable!!! Just because you CAN give a baby back, doesn't mean you should, how pathetic, and I can't believe you use this story like it's some sort of positive!

 

[gepetto]

Children don't come with guarantees.

You've only had the baby a month and decided that your 10 year old will never adjust? It sounds a little like you're regretting your decision and looking for a reason to send the baby back.

 

[twinmomplus2]

Children find the thier way into our hearts by Birth or adoption. I do not see a distinction between the priority of one over the other. All children deserve to feel they are the number one priority, Not second fiddle to one who shares DNA.When you get pregnant there are no guarantees that the child will be perfect. And there should not be. I have 4 children all very different. We as an extended family collectively have been enriched, and blessed to have had adoption touch our family many times over. We have....... One wonderful 1 year old baby from China. A 5 year old girl from korea. 2 american born adoptotions. And a 2 year old boy from Columbia. we are truly multicultural That being said. I am not blasting you, My heart hurts just reading this post. I will say each baby of ours.... that has arrived has been eagerly anticipated, and Loved unconditionally from the second, we saw the photo and Knew they were going to join us... whatever may come.... No guarantees, Just the absolute Privledge, it is to have them and love them. they are a gift. If for one second you entertain your Biological child being higher on your priority list, Let him go to another family as soon as possible. Someplace where he will be eagerly anticipated and Looked at as an incredible gift. I say from experience, There are many people out there that would fit this bill. As I said My heart hurts for you And I hope it works out for this little guy.

 

[C.Ann]

Well - let me answer this from another angle.. I was adopted myself - while my natural sister stayed with our birth mother and was "adopted" by her second husband - who wasn't sure that he wanted her.. It was bad - really, really bad!

If you have doubts, please don't do it.. But also, do NOT feel bad about it.. It would be a million times worse to keep a child out of guilt.. There is some reason why you're questioning whether you should keep this child or not and that alone is reason enough to let the child go..

I think it's very unfair for people to attack you for your honesty.. When this child came to you as a foster child he was just that - a "foster child" - and fostering children is MEANT to be temporary.. Rarely do they even CONSIDER foster parents when it comes to adoption - at least where I live.. My sister has fostered many, many children and it just doesn't happen that way.. You've been accused of "test driving" this child and that is WAAAAAY out of line!

Do what YOU think is best - and the......well...I can't even say what I'd like to about the people who are judging you and acting as though you are some kind of monster for being HONEST!!!

Best of luck to all of you..
C.Ann

 

[pokiemomo181]

Well, I too am adopted. If you are doubting this adoption even before it happens, don't do it. I agree with those that have said you get no guarantee's with children. I also know from expierience, that not everyone is meant to be an adoptive parent. Let this child go now, maybe he can still find that one place where he will belong. You can't force something to be what you want. You have to be willing to take what God gives you and feel like it was a gift.



Pokie

 

[Michelle]

Pnelson, I can see how much this is tearing you up. You've obviously done some soul searching and are asking yourself some very valid and honest questions.

Your post struck a chord in me. We have a 9-year-old DD (almost 10) and we have seriously considered fostering and adoption as well. After all the research, talking, thinking, and taking an HONEST look at our lives we decided not to pursue it. Our DD also has some maturity issues and other possible problems that we are in the process of evaluating, and as much as we love children and would love another child in our lives I just don't know that we would have the ability to give another child what he/she deserves.

I think it takes an incredible amount of COURAGE to admit that this is not right for you or your family. It is MUCH better to admit it now than to wait until both the child and you are more attached. I'm sorry that you are being made to feel guilty; was this arrangement with the understanding that you were the ONLY prospective adoptive family or with the understanding that you would have first CHOICE at adopting the child?

I wish you the best as you deal with these difficult issues.

 

[Claudia1]

Ditto, C. Ann!

I am amazed that your area allows foster parents to adopt their temporary charges. Being a foster parent and becoming an adoptive parent are two, completely different apples.

Having adopted two children, I understand what that commitment means. It means that you did not have any control during their formation and growth. You accept the precious gift, as is. Being a foster parent, you are providing a safe & secure temporary environment for the child, doing the best that you can to prepare them for the next step.

I think it is very short-sighted and atypical for the social worker and attorney to try to force a decision in such a short time. That is not fair to anybody.

Just curious, does your foster care system automatically enter you into an adoptive position?

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Your instincts are guiding you. Another change to another loving family will not destroy the child, especially at that age.

....... and don't give up on being a foster parent. If you are led to provide the temporary gift of a stable home to someone who needs it, then pursue it! Get some family counseling to be sure that your son understands that he is not being replaced but that his help can also help to save a life. Also, I would make it very, very clear that you will not be considering adoption for any of the children that you care for.

Hugs......

 

[dclwdwlover]

I, too, am an adopted person. I read ALL of the replies & I think that those of us who are adopted said it best. All things & everyone's feelings need to be considered & weighed.
I won't get into a psych eval. here, but I think that the majority of adoptees would agree with me that the most important thing to us is to know that we're loved 'unconditionally'.

I do not say this with judgment, but I don't think that this is the case here. You should be commended for your help to this child in their time of need, but should not be guilted into taking the child permanently if you are not 100% sure that this is what you WANT to do - no matter what the uphill struggles are or will be.

Best to you.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by aahmom1
We are talking about a child, right????? It wasn't working out so they sent him to live with another family on a farm? That has to be the STUPIDEST thing I've heard in a really long time, unreal. I certainly hope they didn't go and adopt another toy for them to get rid of, unbelievable!!! Just because you CAN give a baby back, doesn't mean you should, how pathetic, and I can't believe you use this story like it's some sort of positive!

It IS a positive thing. The "baby" was 10yo and was miserable with his new "family". HE didn't want to be in the city, HE wanted to be in the country. He could have been given every material thing that he wanted and needed by this wealthy family, but that wouldn't have made him happy in the big picture. What would have been pathetic is that if the prospective parents DIDN'T love him enough to let him go to find the right family for him. He was being hosted by this family. He wasn't adopted yet, although the family desparately wanted to adopt him. They knew that for him, he'd be better off with a glove fit set of parents than in a forced fit family. There's nothing stupid, selfish or uncaring about that.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
I'm not sure I get your point RUDisney. I am well aware your children are real. If you notice I put quote marks around my words to indicate that I didn't quite agree with the distinction others were making between her 10yo son and her foster child.

And I still disagree. I've squeezed three of them out of my body and I haven't gotten one of those moldable kids yet.

I get about 4 1/2 minutes of Headline News in the morning and I can already recite most Dora The Explorer episodes from memory. As for mealtimes - mine are usually spent trying to balance a breastfeeding baby on my lap with my left arm while I pick up peas with my right hand and put them in my mouth. No matter how I try to get him to eat first and sleep while I eat -- just can't mold him into it.

How do you thing that adopted people feel when someone uses the word "real" to describe biological children? I CHOSE to have my children this way. It wasn't a "sentence" that I was given to have this be my only choice. We are not second class for having adopted children, nor are our children second class because they were adopted. You hit on a sore spot for me.

As for molding children, I don't mean molding them to be doctors, lawyers, etc., or even molding them to be like young adults by not being bratty. I mean molding them into our lifestyles. It's alot easier to take a younger child and to teach them you likes and dislikes than to teach an older child to fit into your likes. I never realized how uncool my parents' favorite radio station was until I was in HS. That's the kind of molding/conditioning that I'm talking about. It's a slow process and not an all at once Ka-bang.

 

[rae519]

As a birth (Christopher (23) and adoptive Mom (Kayla and Michael (8), I have some strong feeling about adoption. We were fortunate that our children didn't have major problems and were very young when they were adopted (Kayla at 5 weeks and Michael at 3 weeks).

We did experience adoption disruption when the two Ethiopian girls we adopted could NOT adapt to each other and our family. We lived in major chaos for several months til the agency found other families for them (separately).

Good luck and God bless!

Rae

 

[mamajoan]

Hi, I sent you a very personal pm.. hope it helps......

God Bless Birth parents..... and God Bless adoptive parents.....

no matter what..... both are factors in bringing up great kids!

Joan

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I stopped reading at C.Ann's reply to you because it's exactly word for word what I would say to you as well.

The whole darn thing! Thanks C.Ann for being in my head today. LOL

Good luck with your decision. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that you might be making a mistake....and as C.Ann says, foster parenting, from my knowledge anyway is considered a temporary situation for a child. While people sometimes end up adopting those children that they care for, that is rarely the case in my county.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.....

Originally posted by C.Ann
Well - let me answer this from another angle.. I was adopted myself - while my natural sister stayed with our birth mother and was "adopted" by her second husband - who wasn't sure that he wanted her.. It was bad - really, really bad!

If you have doubts, please don't do it.. But also, do NOT feel bad about it.. It would be a million times worse to keep a child out of guilt.. There is some reason why you're questioning whether you should keep this child or not and that alone is reason enough to let the child go..

I think it's very unfair for people to attack you for your honesty.. When this child came to you as a foster child he was just that - a "foster child" - and fostering children is MEANT to be temporary.. Rarely do they even CONSIDER foster parents when it comes to adoption - at least where I live.. My sister has fostered many, many children and it just doesn't happen that way.. You've been accused of "test driving" this child and that is WAAAAAY out of line!

Do what YOU think is best - and the......well...I can't even say what I'd like to about the people who are judging you and acting as though you are some kind of monster for being HONEST!!!

Best of luck to all of you..
C.Ann

 

[Mishetta]

I had to post, after seeing that you said your DS is ADHD. We had a "surprise" baby 20 months ago! We had a just turned 6 y/o son at the time. He was so HOSTILE towards me during the pregnancy & we took him to counseling & they told us that he was NOT happy about the new baby joining us. (I really didn't need to pay $$ for them to tell me this....) anyway, I did have the baby & for the first week, we did not feel safe leaving the 2 in the same room together unattended. It was rough at first...DS #1 felt like no one was paying attention to him. (I guess he did get less attention since there was a new baby in the house!) Anyway, here we are 20 months later & the two are inseparable! They adore each other. They look for each other all the time. What a great big brother my ADHD 8 y/o has become! I'm so very proud of him.

I'd say to follow your heart, but don't NOT take the baby due to your 10 y/o...they will bond & find love for one another. Really, it happened in our family! No one is perfect either. My 2 were born of my husband & I & DS #1 suffers from ADHD & DS #2 is cognitively impaired & developmentally delayed. Lord knows why but that's what I was given.

Good luck to you.

 

[minniecarousel]

I'm also of the mind that foster parenting shouldn't naturally lead to adopting. As far as I know, in my neck of the woods, fostering is a whole different thing from adoption. I say, good for you for wanting to foster a baby, but if adoption doesn't feel right - don't do it!

 

[DonnaS]

I think what happens in some cases is that there is a child in the foster care system who becomes eligible for adoption-- either because of loss of parents of the parents voluntarily relinquish parental rights or for some other reason reuniting of the family is impossible. For one reason or another, the child may not be easily adopted out-- whether because of not being a newborn, being mixed race, health problems, etc.

Therefore, when this child is placed in a foster home it is placed in a home where the parents have interest in adopting the child. A co-worker of DH's did this recently and have now finalized the adoption of their little girl.

However, I do agree, that if you are having second thoughts, don't be guilted into doing it. It won't benefit anyone in the long run.

 

[snoopy]

I think Mishetta makes really good points -- I'm betting that with time the 10 year old would learn to love his brother.

I do hope the best for you and your family, pnelson - this is such a gut wrenching post to read, and I am so sad for you all. I know that you will come to the decision that is right for your family, and I'll keep you all in my prayers.

 

[pnelson]

Thanks again, and also for the PM's I received. My husband and I have spent HOURS talking about this over the weekend-we don't have an answer yet.

For those wondering, this is what's called a FOST-Adopt. We are licensed foster parents and also licensed for adoption. Right now, he is not free for adoption so we are foster parents. If he becomes free, we would be the ones to adopt him, should we choose to do so. That is where my dilemma is-I'm just not sure, after looking at all the angles, adoption is right for us. We would hope to continue to foster him until he goes back to his birth parents or goes to an adoptive home. However, they wanted him placed in a prospective adoptive home now to minimize his transitions, etc. That is where the guilt comes in-If we decide not to adopt him and he does not go back to his birth parents, we would be the cause of possibly another disruptive move for him.

Again, thanks to everyone-Even the ones who came down hard on me-All these opinions are valid and I can see everyones point.

 

[aahmom1]

It IS a positive thing. The "baby" was 10yo and was miserable with his new "family". HE didn't want to be in the city, HE wanted to be in the country. He could have been given every material thing that he wanted and needed by this wealthy family, but that wouldn't have made him happy in the big picture. What would have been pathetic is that if the prospective parents DIDN'T love him enough to let him go to find the right family for him. He was being hosted by this family. He wasn't adopted yet, although the family desparately wanted to adopt him. They knew that for him, he'd be better off with a glove fit set of parents than in a forced fit family. There's nothing stupid, selfish or uncaring about that.

Wouldn't it have been a better idea for the whole family to move to the country with their new son instead of sending him to live with yet another family. Since the child was 10 I'm sure that wasn't his first home. Poor baby, gotten rid of like an old pet.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by aahmom1
Wouldn't it have been a better idea for the whole family to move to the country with their new son instead of sending him to live with yet another family. Since the child was 10 I'm sure that wasn't his first home. Poor baby, gotten rid of like an old pet.

------------------------

I believe it was originally stated that this family lived in Manhattan during the week (because the father worked in the city) and then went out to Connecticut on the weekends - thus getting the boy out of the city..

At 10 years of age a child is old enough to make adjustments IF he WANTS to be with the people he's with.. City during the week - country on the weekends - seems a reasonable and fair arrangement when there is a work-place situation involved.. We don't know the entire story here but somehow I have a feeling it was more the choice of the BOY than the family.. I don't see this as him being "gotten rid of like an old pet".. I see it as a boy who was not happy with the FAMILY and the family in turn made the sacrafice by allowing him to go to a family where he WOULD be happy..