Horrible situation-Sad question for adoptive parents??

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by C.Ann
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I believe it was originally stated that this family lived in Manhattan during the week (because the father worked in the city) and then went out to Connecticut on the weekends - thus getting the boy out of the city..

At 10 years of age a child is old enough to make adjustments IF he WANTS to be with the people he's with.. City during the week - country on the weekends - seems a reasonable and fair arrangement when there is a work-place situation involved.. We don't know the entire story here but somehow I have a feeling it was more the choice of the BOY than the family.. I don't see this as him being "gotten rid of like an old pet".. I see it as a boy who was not happy with the FAMILY and the family in turn made the sacrafice by allowing him to go to a family where he WOULD be happy..

Thanks, C.Ann, you got my point. The whole point of the program that is run each summer is to match the right kids with the right families. Sometimes it's the prospective parents who make the decision that the situation isn't right, but most of the time, it is the child(ren) making that decision. There was a group of siblings 2 years ago who got on the phone with the agency and told the owner of the agency to get them out of the home. There was no abuse involved, or anything like that, the kids just knew that they didn't fit into that family. Much like the boy in Manhattan. It was his prospective mother who was the CEO.

I have a picture of my kids when they were with their first American host family. The two of them are the saddest that I've ever seen them. That situation wasn't working out for the family or the kids. It has worked out marvelously for us and for the kids.

We saw the most selfish prospective parents when we had to take our kids to JFK to return to Russia. A husband and wife had hosted older siblings. They wanted to adopt the brother at the end of the summer, but not the girl. The girl had taken some things from the mother and hid them in the house. Everyone is warned that this might happen since if you have something that you like in an orphanage, you have to hide it in order to keep it. Most of the time the things that are hidden are food. The woman said that she couldn't trust the girl to be in her house anymore. Luckily, the kids were a package deal since they were in the same orphanage, so she couldn't adopt either.

 

[poohandwendy]

That is a tough situation. I think potential adoptive parents should have the mindest of 'come what may, we will find a way to adjust'. Even if there are other (biological or not) children in the family. Any other way of thinking will not work, IMO. In this case, I think you are probably not good candidates for adoption. Mainly because you already see the needs of the 10 yo as having first priority. I am not saying that is bad, just not the circumstances necessary for adoption. It should be no different than making the decision to expand the family by having another biological child.

I think that if you really were prepared for adopting a child, you would be saying 'this will be tough, we will find a way' rather than the hesitation I am hearing.

Good luck with your situation.

 

[rae519]

Some situations make it impossible for the child to remain - the case I am going to mention is NOT my situation...but could have happened to me or any other adoptive family.

Agency states foreign born child is 8 and parents recently died; no health problems. Child is adopted by family who has already adopted 4 foreign children and has done foster care for years (disabled and handicapped). Foreign child is not 8 but 14 and small for size, found living on the street - relatives disowned him because of his violent nature. The family decided to work it all out and for nearly a year they did. Things happened but it was all "adjustment" - including fighting, stealing, verbal abuse, etc.

The final straw came when this almost 16 year old teen who has the face of an angel and size of a 9 year old was caught in the act of molesting and attempted rape of one of the young children in the household. The little girl was terrorized and is still in counseling over this incident! The other children are petrified and have just now begun to tell the parents what the teen did to them and how threatening he was to them.

No amount of preparation or persistance could keep even this well-prepared, dedicated family from disruption. Sometimes it just doesn't work regardless of what you do.

Rae

 

[twinmomplus2]

I just got my newsletter from parentpages. I am sorry I am unable to provide the link. There is a great article on adoption. Highlighting some of the issues disscussed in this thread. It is called Story of Hannah. It may be worth reading, they speak very candidly about adopting an older child and the adjustments that came with the process. Its interesting.