Horrible situation-Sad question for adoptive parents??

[pnelson]

We have been fostering a 17 month old boy for a month and are in line for adoption. He is very sweet, seems to have no problems, and is developmentally on target. However, we have had some doubts within this time if adoption is really right for our family. Our 10 year old son is not adjusting well and does not want the baby.

Also, the baby was exposed to alcohol in the womb and there is some question as to fetal alcohol effect. He is not affected by it now, but he may be later.

We don't know if we are prepared for the "maybes" of his development later. Our son has had some issues that we successfuly worked through, and we are both being honest when we say we just don't know if we have it in us to do it again should this new baby have problems.

Needless to say, we feel terrible about this. We love the baby, but can't honestly say that with the adjustment problems are son is having and the unknowns the future holds that we are up for this.

Our social worker and the baby's attorney are very upset with us. They feel one more move would damage this baby-I feel terrible being responsible for that because he is such a happy baby.

As anyone gone through anything like this??

 

[DawnCt]

Wow, this is a dilemma. I am somewhat relieved that you have only had this child for a month rather than a longer period of time. A month is a long time in the life of a toddler but its not a very long time. I think you really need to weigh this decision intensely but come to a resolution within a short time, which ever way you decide. The longer it takes to place the child into a permanent home, the more difficult it will be for him. Given your 10 year old's feelings for this baby, I wouldn't consider becoming a foster parent until your child is up and out on his own. I know there are those who will say that your child needs to learn to share, not be selfish, etc but only you can decide which hill you want to climb. An adoption is forever, even after they grow up.

 

[aahmom1]

How sad for that poor baby. I suggest you let them find somebody who will love the baby unconditionally and won't question themselves after such a short time. A baby isn't a toy to give back when the going gets tough. And I would give it a great deal of thought before you decide to foster another child.

 

[Dodie]

You've only had the child for one month and he's only 17 months old. I wouldn't allow the social workers to lay the guilt trip on you about "another move" damaging the child. He's very young.

If you and your family are unsure of this - don't do it. Period.

There are thousands of people desperately seeking to adopt a young child.

 

[jrmasm]

Your first priority is your son. Period. End of story.

If the social worker and the attorney have a problem with it, tough!!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'm sitting here trying to form a reply.

I guess I question why you became Foster parents in the first place. Children are not meant to be "test driven." If your family, including your son, is unable to handle a child placed in your care, then you shouldn't have a child.

That is true for natural as well as adoptive children. Whenever any of us make a decision to become parents, there is always a chance that the child will have some disability. None of us our perfect and there is no perfect child.


I fully understand why they are upset. Moving children from family to family and having them "rejected" is incredibly damaging to a child.

 

[SillyOldBear66]

Regardless of your choice.....Kudos to you for doing this soul searching now and not years from now.
You are obviously not a selfish person. In your post I hear someone who is concerned for her biological son, is concerned for the baby, and wants what is best for them both.

 

[pnelson]

Trust me on this, no one can beat me up more than I have berated myself over this the last few days. I've had sleepless nights over this and still don't know what to do.

A couple of things we hadn't anticipated was the amount of distress our own son would feel. He was enthusiastic before. However, the age difference between the two children makes it hard for them do the same things and my own son has gotten very little attention the last month.

We are just trying to be honest with ourselves and at this point are really wondering if our own son will adjust to this.

And no, if this doesn't work out, we would not foster again until our own son was grown, if even then.

 

[snoopy]

If you and your family are unsure of this - don't do it. Period.

There are thousands of people desperately seeking to adopt a young child.

Ditto!

 

[Kermit]

I agree that if you aren't sure, then you shouldn't take the baby. It's sad, but it's not as sad as it would be if you adopted the baby and shouldn't have.

But I'm not sure that I agree that your DS is your main priority. They're both children, and they both deserve to have a good life. What would happen if you had a biological child and your DS wasn't happy about it? (I don't know the state of your reproductive systems, so that may not be possible, but it is possible for most people with 10-year-olds.) He WILL adjust. He's always had parents who have loved him his whole life, and he knows deep down that you still do love him. In fact, your commitment to the baby will be a testimony of how deep a parent's love is. Yes, it's sad that he's not happy right now, but I strongly feel that he'll get over it, as long as you do what you can to help him, which I'm sure you will.

 

[CEDmom]

I'm also trying to think of a reply. DH and I became the luckiest and most blessed parents in the world when we adopted our our beautiful daughter in China 3 years ago. She is a bright, happy and healthy toddler now and we hope and pray that we don't get hit with a curve ball down the road. However, we know this is a possibility and have planned for it as best we can.

As a previous poster said there isn't any guarantees with parenthood whether biological or adoptive. However, if your heart is saying this isn't right than don't go through with the adoption. This child is still young enough to recover from being placed again if it's done quickly. If you want to be a foster parent you can do so without having to be considered as adoptive parents. Most states are in real need of temporary emergency foster homes. That sound like a much better fit for your family than permanent adoption.

 

[padams]

A little different perspective... I am assuming your son is an only child. I am an only. If my parents had considered adopting a child when I was 10, I would have had difficulty adjusting, to say the least. After 10 years of being "alone" and liking it, it would be a huge shock for me to gain a sibling. (This is the reason my kids are 22 months apart in age, I didn't want older one to feel displaced as I know I would have, particularly at 10).

As an adult, I would love to have a sibling. I wish I had a brother or sister to help my deal with my aging parents. My perspective has obviously changed since I was a kid.

If you have other children, then adding the toddler isn't as much of a change - it's just one more sibling (except a toddler is a "high maintenance" one.).

However, children 10 years apart in age are not going to do much together. By the time the little one can really carry on a conversation and play ball, etc., your older one will be out of the house.

I think if you have any doubts, then you shouldn't adopt. Good luck!

 

[RUDisney]

Let me tell you my side of the story.

We were going to host a little girl from Russia 2 years ago. We had her picture throughout our house and were anxiously awaiting July for her arrival. My DH had picked out a boy in one of the pictures with her and said he wanted him. Only, he couldn't have him because he was promised to another family. In May 2001, we were told that the agency found out that our host child's mother and grandmother were schizophrenic, so that put an end to our hopes for her. It felt like she died to us.

My DH brought up the boy who was in the picture with her, but again, we were told that he was already spoken for. We continued our home study and in July, when the group of Russian children was here, he took the completed home study to the agency and told the director to let him know if any of the children weren't properly placed before we made arrangements to fly to Russia to select other children. She took out a picture of our children and he told her that they boy in the picture was the boy he wanted all along. Things weren't working out with the host family. They were younger than the families other kids and it was more of a forced fit instead of a glove fit.

The host mother said that she was not going to "keep" them and we got to meet them on Sunday night, July 22, 2001. We knew from the start that we were paired with the right children and are thankful every day that these hosts made the hard decision to give them up.

There was another case that we heard of where the president of a large, well-known company in NYC hosted a boy the next summer. The boy would live in Manhattan during the week and go to CT on the weekends. He was NOT a city boy and longed for the country. The family made the decision to allow him to find another family. He was placed on a large farm with horses, etc., and is now adopted and having the time of his life.

What better way to know if your family will be matched well with the new child if you don't test the waters first? When you give birth to a child, you can mold the child into your lifestyle but when you accept an older child into your life, they already have their own way about them, even at 17 months.

Maybe your son would do better with an older sibling? Younger than he is, but old enough to play with and do things with.

The social worker and attorney are being poopyheads. Don't worry about hurting their feelings. You have to do what's right for your family. Then you pray that the toddler finds the right home and family.

Our pediatrician adopted a 13yo boy from Russia around the same time as us. This boy has decided that he hates his new sister more than anything in life. They have him in counseling, but he refuses to even go into their pool if his new sister is in it, too. He has often speculated with me that he should have adopted a younger child instead of one whose opinions were so well formed already.

Good luck with your decision and God Bless your courage for doing what you think is best, even if it is the hardest decision you'll ever have to make.

 

[pnelson]

Padams,

Thanks for that perspective. It is a huge adjustment for a 10 year old-especially our son, who as I said, has had some ADHD/emotional difficulties anyways.

Thanks for the replies so far-even the ones who are taking me to task because I definitely believe I deserve it. As I said, what a dilemma.

 

[Gone Disney]

Originally posted by pnelson
Trust me on this, no one can beat me up more than I have berated myself over this the last few days. I've had sleepless nights over this and still don't know what to do.

A couple of things we hadn't anticipated was the amount of distress our own son would feel. He was enthusiastic before. However, the age difference between the two children makes it hard for them do the same things and my own son has gotten very little attention the last month.

We are just trying to be honest with ourselves and at this point are really wondering if our own son will adjust to this.

And no, if this doesn't work out, we would not foster again until our own son was grown, if even then.

I just wanted to say that I honestly feel for you. I know that you'll make the right decision. I can't tell you what that is. I try to follow the rule that if I have to spend so much time justifying it then I'm really just trying to talk myself into it. If it doesn't just feel right it might not be. good or bad right or wrong ??? I don't know.

I can suggest that you do a few things to make your "real" son feel a little more comfortable. One, is to make time for him one on one. Have you and your husband spend time with him without the "foster" child. Even if it's a movie or a short trip to the park.
One more thing, when you are with both children you are probably prone to putting the younger one first ( I know I do this ) you may want to try putting your "real" son first once in awhile. I'm not saying your a bad parent so please don't take it that way. I'm just suggesting things that may help.

An example, I have 2 girls 7-15. I am use to always giving to the 7 yr old even at the 15 yr olds expense. Even as simple as would you please let your sister watch whatever she wants to. That's the kind of things I'm thinking of. I'm sure yours are not fighting over the TV yet, just an example. and BTW my oldest does not like her little sister either (seriously), but I wasn't able to or willing to give her back.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your decision.
and just know I almost didn't post this so please just take my thoughts as a friend spoutting off an experience.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Patti

 

[pnelson]

RUDisney,

Thanks for that perspective also. What you said about "forced" fit and the right fit really struck home.

One thing that the social worker said, she did accuse me of not "attaching" to this baby. I replied, "If I wasn't attached, this would be an easy decision. It's because I'm so attached that's making it difficult."

 

[jrmasm]

Have you been able to determine whether you DS is truly having serious adjustment issues or is he just having a tantrum (for lack of a better word) because things are not the way they used to be? Not as great/easy as he thought they would be.

I still stand by my original comment that he is your number one priority.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'm honestly still trying to get my mind around this.
I have a feeling that you were having images of the baby coming into your home and that you would all instantly fall in love and live happily ever after.... and it hasn't happened.

I don't find it surprising that the 10yo is having adjustment issues. That is completely normal for a 10yo boy who suddenly gets a new baby thrust into his home. Believe me -- I know because I just had a baby in January with 2 sons ages 9 and 12 already in place. I honestly thought my 9yo would be the "perfect big brother." I think he spends a total of 7 or 8 minutes a day with the baby and I've been assured by his Pediatrician that is a completely normal reaction. :lol

As for you -- it is a shock after 10 years to suddenly rediscover how much work those little ones are and how completely your life becomes consumed with caring for them. I understand that also. It's only been 1 month and I can fully see where some "What have I gotten myself into" doubts might creep into your mind. In a perfect world you would have fallen 100% in love with the baby as soon as it was placed in your arms, but this world isn't perfect and I think it is going to take some time for parental love to develop.

I guess what I have to think is -- if jrmasm is correct and in your mind they are always going to be your "real" son who is a number 1 priority and the add on who you adopted....then give the baby up. There is a family out there who will give the child a much better life.

However, if you think these are all just adjustment issues, then I don't think 1 month is nearly enough time to work through them. RUDisney suggests that "real" children appear with the ability to be molded into our lives, but I completely disagree with that. All children are their own individuals with their own personalities and we all have major adjustment periods getting used to them.

I almost hesitate to type any of that however, because I absolutely fear encouraging you to keep the child longer if there is any chance at all that 6 months to a year from now you are going to decide it just won't work and throw her back into the system.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
However, if you think these are all just adjustment issues, then I don't think 1 month is nearly enough time to work through them. RUDisney suggests that "real" children appear with the ability to be molded into our lives, but I completely disagree with that. All children are their own individuals with their own personalities and we all have major adjustment periods getting used to them.

My children are quite real. I didn't need to squeeze them from my body to make them be real. Yes, children develop personalities, but at birth, they are moldable into your lifestyle, whether they are doing the molding or you are molding to their needs and wants.

I wanted children who were walking and talking, but it was a real adjustment to our lives. We went from hanging out watching CNN to watching Sponge Bob all the time. We went from enjoying our meals to getting yucks from the kids because there was something green on their plates. It was an easy adjustment for us because it was the right kids at the right time. The families who have "forced" the adoption to work wind up with alot of trouble and heartache, from what we've seen, and only a few of them are glad that everything worked out the way that it did.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

We went from hanging out watching CNN to watching Sponge Bob all the time. We went from enjoying our meals to getting yucks from the kids because there was something green on their plates.

I'm not sure I get your point RUDisney. I am well aware your children are real. If you notice I put quote marks around my words to indicate that I didn't quite agree with the distinction others were making between her 10yo son and her foster child.

And I still disagree. I've squeezed three of them out of my body and I haven't gotten one of those moldable kids yet.

I get about 4 1/2 minutes of Headline News in the morning and I can already recite most Dora The Explorer episodes from memory. As for mealtimes - mine are usually spent trying to balance a breastfeeding baby on my lap with my left arm while I pick up peas with my right hand and put them in my mouth. No matter how I try to get him to eat first and sleep while I eat -- just can't mold him into it.