Horrible husband's midlife crisis?

[sk!mom]

Simple as this I took vows that say for better or worse. I believe that people give up to easily on \ marriage. I believe that this man has many issues to deal with. I don't believe that this marriage is hopeless. To each their own who feel differently.

Wow, really? I took those same vows and have stuck with my DH through thick and thin but he was all in with me, as well.

This is not the OP's situation. Her husband already has a foot (or more) out the door. While I agree that dual counseling might be helpful in keeping the separation/divorce as peaceful as possible for the child's sake, you can't force someone to participate. Holding off in the hopes that the marriage can be saved is a path that will likely lead to the OP being taken advantage of in the divorce just as she currently is in the marriage. It's time to take action to protect assets for herself and her child.

 

[cabanafrau]

Simple as this I took vows that say for better or worse. I believe that people give up to easily on \ marriage. I believe that this man has many issues to deal with. I don't believe that this marriage is hopeless. To each their own who feel differently.

He does indeed have many issues to deal with. He's choosing to "deal" with chronic depression and who knows what else with self medicating with illegal substances and taking up a new life away from spouse and child. He apparently feels the wife's issues are the root of his unhappiness, yet is throwing away all of the resources she could use to address her issues.

I recommended nothing other than OP address her needs with counseling at this point, necessitating a reallocation of the assets. Bottom line, they have a child. One parent has to be healthy and strong to meet the needs of the child and clearly dad is unable for the foreseeable future. Raising a child in a home where a parent has unaddressed mental issues that are being "treated" with illicit substances is far more damaging than growing up with parents who don't reside together.

 

[piccolopat]

OP, you might also consider talking to the guidance counselor at your child's school. They should be aware of what your child is going through at home and may be able to provide support there that helps her cope.

 

[DaisyJ]

Maybe saying I find this post offensive is too strong of a word, but I too took vows for better or worse. I know that I hung in there and tried and the other person did not want to, even with therapy, etc. He had moved on. There comes a point where you can say work on it and fight for what you want, but you cannot force someone to love you or to want to be with you. Trying to stick it out with someone like that is very detrimental to one's well being. It took me several years to "recover" from the betrayal. (many lies, stories, blame, etc).

It sounds like the OP has been trying to keep the family together, get him into counseling etc. but he is not a willing participant.

Should she just let him do whatever the heck he wants while she stands by and let's him emotionally abuse her and ignore their child?

Judging by other posts of that poster, yes, that is exactly what she should be doing. I guess to her, only the wife takes vows.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

Hate to see this happen to ANYONE... but it sounds like you need to lawyer up!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

If he's willing to see a therapist, I think you should at least see what happens with that. And you should consider couples therapy, maybe?

Although if he truly doesn't love you anymore or find you attractive, I think it's time to move on.

 

[camreesmom]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is indeed quite likely he has found someone else. I hate that I'm still holding on to some hope. That we won't have to sell the house and move, that I won't have to share custody and spend some holidays without my kiddo...

If he's acting this selfishly now, I'm not sure that you will be spending any holidays without your kid. It doesn't sound like he's very interested in having a relationship with her at this point.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is indeed quite likely he has found someone else. I hate that I'm still holding on to some hope. That we won't have to sell the house and move, that I won't have to share custody and spend some holidays without my kiddo...

You're afraid of the changes, I get that but you need to understand there will be changes whether you stay together or not. Sure, stay together and you'll have your house but you're not going to have a happy home. You said he's never there. I bet when he is it's awkward and there's tension. Same with holidays. A guy who has decided to live a life that doesn't involve family time isn't going to suddenly be Mr. Family Man on Christmas morning.
My guess is you're holding out hope that he'll just go back to before and you can all just continue with what you were comfortable with. That's not likely to happen. By doing that you are putting him in control of your happiness and your child's too.

 

[sasywtch]

It's scary but you will get through it. My now xh left me for a 21 year old he had gotten pregnant while we had 4 kids, the youngest was 1 year old at the time. It won't get easier with time, you just get older. It will be hard but you will be happier in the long run. Read that one site that I can't remember but sure someone here knows what it is. They suggest you start building yourself a savings away from your husband, talk to a lawyer, find all paperwork, pay stubs, mortgages, etc. If he's willing to go to counseling and willing to give it a try, that's good but from your post he has already checked out. My kids who are now in early 30's, late 20's tell me that they respect what I went through and how I handled it and have some resentment toward their dad. (they see him often even though he's got a new gf and moved 2 hours away, matter of fact my youngest grandson is spending a week with him this week). The kids see and it does affect them.

 

[penn19]

What am I missing here?? You are 41, been married to this husband for 11 years but in your late 30's had an easy divorce??

I didn't understand that either. I thought it was just because I'm bad at math.

 

[bethy]

Thank you.
I am crying right now. I am truly incredibly grateful that all of you took the time to answer my post, the post of very lonely, hurt mom. This is more support that I've had in many years. Thank you again

Bless your heart, sweetie. You are NOT alone in this world.

 

[bethy]

Simple as this I took vows that say for better or worse. I believe that people give up to easily on \ marriage. I believe that this man has many issues to deal with. I don't believe that this marriage is hopeless. To each their own who feel differently.

I usually tend toward this viewpoint also. However for this situation it sounds like the OP has been fighting to keep her marriage going for up to 10 years. Also, that combined with the drugs and the loser husband's apparent complete lack of regard or love for his wife or daughter makes me jump on the bandwagon of kicking the loser to the curb! Ugh!

 

[mummabear]

I lost my mom when I was a teenager and my dad 4 years ago. I have no siblings, 1 grandmother with dementia who doesn't remember me and an aunt, both living abroad.

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you weren't offended by my suggestion.

You will discover strength you didn't know you had.
You will find a support network, you will meet other people who have been through what you are going though and bond.
Try to find a support group for yourself.
You can do this, you will make it through and be happier.

 

[awalker1015]

I have shared my story on here before, but let me just tell you he has a girlfriend...I can guarantee it almost 99.9%. That is why he is no longer is love with you, dresses and acts completely differently, etc. Don't let him blame you, his parents, his child or anything else. I have been there, and done that.

Once you come to terms with this, what you need to do will become a little clearer.

I agree. My oldest friend is dealing with this now and you basically wrote her story almost word for word. He had her convinced it was a mid life crisis, he was depressed, etc. His entire behavior changed from his attire, work performance, after hours activities, etc. always told her it was him not her. This went on a year until she finally filed for divorce. Two weeks later it came out he has been seeing someone for two years. Not a good situation nor salvageable. So sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm going to disagree with nearly everyone here. I say fight for your marriage. Go to counseling do everything you can if you want this to work out if not then just walk away. I'm a frim believer in fighting for what you want.

I get what you are saying. Certainly fighting for your marriage is something that most people do. I know you are getting flogged here.

However when your spouse does not love you anymore it is like the nail in the coffin on the marriage.

You can still be "roommates" however I am not into that sort of thing. I could not live a lie.

 

[Wailea]

You're afraid of the changes, I get that but you need to understand there will be changes whether you stay together or not. Sure, stay together and you'll have your house but you're not going to have a happy home. You said he's never there. I bet when he is it's awkward and there's tension. Same with holidays. A guy who has decided to live a life that doesn't involve family time isn't going to suddenly be Mr. Family Man on Christmas morning.
My guess is you're holding out hope that he'll just go back to before and you can all just continue with what you were comfortable with. That's not likely to happen. By doing that you are putting him in control of your happiness and your child's too.

That's very true. I'm giving him too much power. I wish there was a switch I could turn on to make all my feelings go away. Ugh!

It's scary but you will get through it. My now xh left me for a 21 year old he had gotten pregnant while we had 4 kids, the youngest was 1 year old at the time. It won't get easier with time, you just get older. It will be hard but you will be happier in the long run. Read that one site that I can't remember but sure someone here knows what it is. They suggest you start building yourself a savings away from your husband, talk to a lawyer, find all paperwork, pay stubs, mortgages, etc. If he's willing to go to counseling and willing to give it a try, that's good but from your post he has already checked out. My kids who are now in early 30's, late 20's tell me that they respect what I went through and how I handled it and have some resentment toward their dad. (they see him often even though he's got a new gf and moved 2 hours away, matter of fact my youngest grandson is spending a week with him this week). The kids see and it does affect them.

How in the world do you stomach sharing custody with someone who did you so wrong? I know he's their father and their relationship is important, but how painful was it to send them away with him?

Yesterday was a tough day. My usually happy energetic child woke up very sad and had a crying spell in the morning. That is very out of character for her. She couldn't tell me why she was crying, just that "today doesn't feel right." It broke my heart.
It's become so hard to look at my child thinking that my kid has no clue what's about to happen.
He was home last night, but only because his friends cancelled on him at the last minute. He was incredibly disappointed. Needless to say it was beyond awkward between us.

I contacted a Church organization kindly given by a DISer for support. Hopefully I'll hear from them soon.
I just remembered that one of the mothers at my kid's school works for legal aid. I'll reach out to her.
I'm just completely overwhelmed. I'm not thinking straight right now. I feel like I'm drowning. I need to try to focus and grow some balls

 

[sk!mom]

That's very true. I'm giving him too much power. I wish there was a switch I could turn on to make all my feelings go away. Ugh!

How in the world do you stomach sharing custody with someone who did you so wrong? I know he's their father and their relationship is important, but how painful was it to send them away with him?

Yesterday was a tough day. My usually happy energetic child woke up very sad and had a crying spell in the morning. That is very out of character for her. She couldn't tell me why she was crying, just that "today doesn't feel right." It broke my heart.
It's become so hard to look at my child thinking that my kid has no clue what's about to happen.
He was home last night, but only because his friends cancelled on him at the last minute. He was incredibly disappointed. Needless to say it was beyond awkward between us.

I contacted a Church organization kindly given by a DISer for support. Hopefully I'll hear from them soon.
I just remembered that one of the mothers at my kid's school works for legal aid. I'll reach out to her.
I'm just completely overwhelmed. I'm not thinking straight right now. I feel like I'm drowning. I need to try to focus and grow some balls

Hugs to you as you navigate this time. Your DD's sadness is evidence that hard as we try to shield them, kids pick up on the tension and stress. Her school counselor could probably put you in contact with counseling/support services for her. You might also be surprised at how much more at peace you both feel once he's out of the house.

Child custody and sharing her is one of the big areas where you will want to assure fair treatment. Lawyer up as quickly as possible to protect yourself.

You are developing a plan. Just keep moving forward each day and reaching out to those who might be able to help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sending you hugs.

I would lawyer up just because I would not want him to file temp. custody and then have YOU pay HIM child support.

Don't think it couldn't happen, esp. if he needs money.