Holidayz Thread

[Born 2 Fish]

Okay guys, listen up, if a man’s job on Thanksgiving is to carve the turkey, then his main Christmas responsibility is the selecting and setting up of the tree.

Never, ever, buy a plastic tree. This is the cardinal rule of Christmas trees. It’s non-negotiable. A lot of myths get floated around about real Christmas trees that simply aren’t true. Yes, artificial trees are convenient. Yes, artificial trees are cheap. But artificial trees are artificial. At a time of year when you’re celebrating the most authentic things in life: joy, family, giving, and faith, a fake, plastic tree is an entirely inappropriate symbol. It’s interesting to note that the creator of the first fake Christmas tree was the Addis Brush Co., maker of green toilet bowl brushes.

You don’t want a gigantic toilet bowl brush in your living room; you want real branches made out of real wood with real green needles on each bough. Most of all, you want the scent of Christmas, the scent of pine to fill your home. Attempting to recreate this scent with an evergreen scented Glade candle is Christmas sacrilege, punishable by 50 lashes.

 

[BRDof3]

Uh-oh. I guess I could lose my man card for this one.

 

[auntie]

What is your "Elf" name ??

http://www.quizopolis.com/christmas-elf-name.php

Tootsie Candy Lips!


___________________

 

[ftwildernessrick]

I think that corn bread dressing is a "taste" thing.
I like bread dressing,,I REALLY like Oyster Dressing !!
YEAH BABY !!

Best use for oyster dressing.

Take a pile of oyster dressing, top it with a blackened chicken breast, then cover it all with crawfish tails cooked in a thick butter cream sauce.

Yum !!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Christmas Kids

A three year old once gave this reaction to her Christmas dinner:
"I don't like the turkey, but I like the bread he ate."
------------------------------

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy shoud get something "practical" for Christmas. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
--------------------------

There was the little boy who approached Santa in a department store with a long list of requests. He wanted a bicycle and a sled, a chemical set, a cowboy suit, a set of trains, a baseball glove and roller skates.
"That's a pretty long list," Santa said sternly. "I'll have to check in my book and see if you were a good boy."
"No, no," the youngster said quickly. "Never Mind checking. I'll just take the roller skates."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Christmas Tinsel:
Around 1610, tinsel was first invented in Germany made from genuine silver. Machines were invented that shredded silver into thin tinsel-sized strips. Silver tinsel tarnishes and loses its shine with time, eventually, artificial replacements were invented. The original inventor of tinsel remains unknown.

Towards the end of the 1800's, another variation of the traditional Christmas tree appeared: the artificial Christmas tree. Artificial trees originated in Germany. Metal wire trees were covered with goose, turkey, ostrich or swan feathers. The feathers were often died green to imitate pine needles.
In the 1930's, the Addis Brush Company created the first artificial-brush trees, using the same machinery that made their toilet brushes! The Addis 'Silver Pine' tree was patented in 1950. The Christmas tree was designed to have a revolving light source under it, colored gels allowed the light to shine in different shades as it revolved under the tree


Christmas Cards:
Englishman, John Calcott Horsley popularize the tradition of sending Christmas greeting cards, in the 1830s.

Christmas Tree lights:
1879, Thomas Edison invented the worlds first practical light bulb.
3 years later, 1882, Edward Johnson electrically lit a christmas tree for the first time ever.
The tree was located in the Johnson home at New York City,
in the first section of the city wired for electricty.



Snowman Invented:
Yes, the snowman was invented, many times over.
And I'm pretty sure the first one was made of snow.

 

[BRDof3]

Christmas Kids

There was the little boy who approached Santa in a department store with a long list of requests. He wanted a bicycle and a sled, a chemical set, a cowboy suit, a set of trains, a baseball glove and roller skates.
"That's a pretty long list," Santa said sternly. "I'll have to check in my book and see if you were a good boy."
"No, no," the youngster said quickly. "Never Mind checking. I'll just take the roller skates."

A kid after my own heart.

 

[VACAMPER]

Okay guys, listen up, if a man’s job on Thanksgiving is to carve the turkey, then his main Christmas responsibility is the selecting and setting up of the tree.

Never, ever, buy a plastic tree. This is the cardinal rule of Christmas trees. It’s non-negotiable. A lot of myths get floated around about real Christmas trees that simply aren’t true. Yes, artificial trees are convenient. Yes, artificial trees are cheap. But artificial trees are artificial. At a time of year when you’re celebrating the most authentic things in life: joy, family, giving, and faith, a fake, plastic tree is an entirely inappropriate symbol. It’s interesting to note that the creator of the first fake Christmas tree was the Addis Brush Co., maker of green toilet bowl brushes.

You don’t want a gigantic toilet bowl brush in your living room; you want real branches made out of real wood with real green needles on each bough. Most of all, you want the scent of Christmas, the scent of pine to fill your home. Attempting to recreate this scent with an evergreen scented Glade candle is Christmas sacrilege, punishable by 50 lashes.

Buy a real tree and support an American farmer buy a fake one and support China! Your choice.

 

[Lil' Lisa]

.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A Christmas Turkey Story
---------------------------
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don't pee on the tree - Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don't eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Frequenty Asked Questions About Christmas


Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).

Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

... 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

.. You'll love this fruitcake recipe!! I'm sure you can use it yourself, or pass it on to your mother/wife/girlfriend/etc.

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the whisky again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.Sample whisky.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp sugar. Beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup. Turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the flied druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check the tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a flick.
Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or something.
Whatever you can find.
Whisk the checky
Greash the oven and piss in the tridge.
Turn the cake tin 350 defrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl through the bloody window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

My friend Sarah announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start the New Year with a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."